US Pop Eye - 6/1/01

Hold on! Whose idea was it?! As I recall, Ally was AGAINST the US Pop Eye. It was my idea! MINE! Just 'cause Ally's pretty doesn't mean she has all the ideas.

That being said, I'll be back with my US Pop-Eye comments later today.

Pop Eye!

Enough already with this "Ally's pretty" shit.

Calm down, Bri! ;-)

I posted this because I thought what Ally wrote here was a good idea:

Here's a thing: if ya'all wanna do a US Pop Eye, how about tomorrow one ya'alls goes and posts a new thread called US POP EYE 6/1/01 and see what gets started in this bitch? I just love calling things "this bitch" these days. That's so great. But seriously, see what happens and if there is stuff to say then think about doing a new US Pop Eye

Ah well, at least I'm not being put down for being from the midwest this time round. ;-)

I will post my comments about the charts a little later too, I think I need more coffee before I can do any proper writing.

Things that leap to the top of my head:

No matter how many times the song is played, I will never get tired of the happy summer party vibe of "All For You". The fact that the shrieking behemoth that is "Lady Marmalade" tops it causes me to despair in my fellow man. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for that SHRIEKY NONSENSE to be at the top of our charts. Why is it that we reward artists with severe mental illnesses with accolades and success rather than medication and counselling? (Yes, I am talking about Mecha- Christina. There is something deeply wrong with that girl.)

"Survivor", shmurvivor. Bring on "Bootylicious", already! Hell, release "Apple Pie A La Mode" as a single, since that's the best song on the album.

I really want "Drive" to hit number one. It won't happen, but it would make me very, very happy.

"Oochie Wally" is my new favorite song. Everyone should run out and buy a copy of it. Also, get a copy of "Hit 'Em Up Style" by Blu Cantrell while you're at it (my previous new favorite song).

Lady Marmalede is a great track that those 4 by some miracle have not ruined. I do not like destinys child. I have not heard most of the rest since i do not listen to hip radio.

The "more, more, more" bit at the end of "Lady Marmalade" says it all, eh? I’m not much on the original in the first place, but this one is just an exercise in one-upmanship, as these things tend to be. Considering those involved it ends up being an exercise in caterwauling, in which of course the all-powerful Mecha-Christina seems predetermined to come out on top. (Why is Mya so low in the mix?). Outdueling M-C was probably as encouraged as showing up the boss at the company picnic. And doesn’t Lil’ Kim’s entire rap ("Hey sisters / Better get that dough, sisters") contradict the Pink manifesto?

No matter how many times the song is played, I will never get tired of the happy summer party vibe of "All For You".

Substitue "Ride With Me" and I agree. Reason, No. 134 for why I like that song: There’s something delightful about a track that tosses off a line as modern as "running credit checks with no shame now" alongside the odd and dated Vanna White name check. (and remember that made-for-TV movie with our gal Vanna the angel?)

"Oochey Walla" is treat, though. So deliciously naughty!

You know those awful spot-the-Grateful-Dead-song posters? ("Ooh, I found ‘Fire on the Mountain!’") "Fiesta" is the aural equivalent, only you’re spotting hip-hop clichés.

"What Would You Do?" is the new "Waterfalls," the after-school special of music. I guess this is supposed to be social commentary, but if a track is going to say something at least it can hold my interest at the same time: I could care less about whether Oxide and Nuetrino get A-listed on Radio 1, but I can’t stop listening to "Up Middle Finger."

I know it’s not available yet for sale, but "Pop" only jumps from #29 to #23?

Incredibly, "So Fresh, So Clean" is going to stall at #30. If it got any bigger, I’d say the columnists would be picking apart the Anne Frank bit. (Uh-oh, don’t get me started on Neutral Milk Hotel again.). Richard Roeper, hello! Please return to missing the point of "Memento" instead of missing the point of "Ms. Jackson." Anyway, I’m still surprised it hasn’t furrowed any brows.

Nelly Furtado, fly away. Please.

I know it’s not available yet for sale, but "Pop" only jumps from #29 to #23?

Quite so. Because it is poo.

CA is looking more and more like Dee Snider. Do you think she wants to rock?

Are there any fans of that "modern rock" that crops up on the US charts? I suppose it has its moments, I know Tom liked Third Eye Blind's "Never Let You Go", LFO's "Summer Girls" and New Radicals's "You Get What You Give". But those songs share a rather upbeat, typically "poppy" (let's not argue over that adjective) atmosphere complete with all those big hooks. Groups like Lighthouse, Staind, Tantric and ( possibly the worst band ever ) Orgy pollute the US charts with this sludgey brand of alternacrap that rates from lousy to ear-achingly awful. You might think differenly, though.

Holy Toledo, I have never heard any of those songs! I am a sucky American I guess. But I think these days the "hot one hundred " isn't a measure of the most popular-among -all-people chart so much as most- popular-markets list. So I maybe needn't worry. Jennifer Lopez is hot though, I like her fat butt.

According to my brother, Nikka Costa is on the verge of making Jennifer Lopez irrelevant.

I must admit that, against all expectations, I find myself really liking Staind.

Staind? They seem like the power ballad end of the rap-rock axis? Which track?

CA is going a bit Dee Snider, isn't she? Hair and makeup. Maybe she'll be directing straight-to-video slasher flicks in 15 years time.

Have yet to hear Nikki Costa, but I strangely enjoy that Blu Cantrell song as well.

Not to get all caught up in labeling things, but LFO is "modern rock"?!?

Lighthouse ? You probably mean Lifehouse - but I like the idea, Lifehouse as the Lighthouse of 2001. Maybe that makes Vertical Horizon the Five Man Electrical Band of right now. And Three Doors Down = Mashmakhan. Yeah, that's it. But who's 2001's Guess Who ? I'm sure Lenny Kravitz would happily have the job, but he's just not funny enough.

Well, first of all, if we are going to slag off the entirety of the Modern Rock / Nu-Metal, we should at the very least be a bit more specific at what we're slagging.

Lifehouse & Tantric seem to both me nth-generation grunge humpers. (Tantric includes 3/4ths of another would-be grunge humper, Days of the New. I HOPE you haven't heard them.) Orgy is the bastard bastard of NIN and Marylin Manson, but with more panache. And Staind (despite their dreaded association with Fred "Baby Daddy" Durst) is probably the least of all these evils. Meaning that their power ballad(s) - "Inside" and "It's Been Awhile" - aren't THAT cringe- worthy.

Odd seeing Gwen Stefani represented on the list TWICE. "Odd", because I would think that to be a guest vocalist on a song, you'd have to have a GOOD voice. (Though, then, why Macy Gray?) Gwen fits nicely with Eve, though. Sassy. And nice abs.

Spots #26-29 - all "country" songs. I don't know if they're of the Mutt Lange variety, or that awful "new Nashville", "let's make it sound REALLY country" sound.

And it looks like "Butterfly" is swiftly falling from the Top 50. A moment of silence, please.

And I'm all for Nikki Costa to boot Jennifer & other funk-fakers from the list. If "Like A Feather" isn't a hit, I'm going to ... well, I won't do anything except grouse at the fact that "Play" is nothing but a "Music" rewrite. An OBVIOUS non-obvious rewrite. With no sociological analysis - at least Madonna namedrops the bourgeois. And, no, borrowing the funky guitar scratch from Prince's "Kiss" doesn't make it better.

Now, borrowing would-be licks from T. Rex - that's the ticket.

And why are we saying LFO is "modern rock" when it's so obvious that BBMak is SO much more rock. They're like a modern-day Bee Gees. But without, you know, the thing. (I think it's the beards.)

I'm unfamiliar with most of these songs, but I did hear "Get Ur Freak On" the other day, and I must say I was very unimpressed with Missy Elliot's rhyming skills--very. What's the deal here? I know Timbaland is awesome and stuff, but what's the catch with Missy?

She kicks ass and you don't. But don't worry, neither do I. My girlfriend said her London show was marred by wandering in the audience and bizarre talent contests, so go figure.

Why is nobody raving about Peaches & Cream? The bass is so damn dirty, it feels like someone took Play and Let Me Blow Your Mind and threw 'em in a cement mixer. And then they ask "know what I mean?" as though the sleazy metaphor would be too tricky for us to figure out. Damn I love this song.

Dream's "This Is Me" bounds up 12 spots to 39. This first sounded like a great kiss-off to the other teen-pop acts. Now I'm already sick of it, especially since it has no new pronunciation of "me" to spice things up.

But Erick Sermon's Music is up 14 on its second week, which gives me great hope. The vocal-cut ups are new to US charts, and the vocals are from Marvin Frikin' Gaye.

The new Staind single, which mercifully is absent from the charts, is godawful. It seems that he sings in a monotone, and all the pitch is added via protools. Hideous, flat, drek.

Clarke - I was relatively underwhelmed upon first hearing "Freak" too, what with the talk it received around FT and elsewhere. I warmed to it upon purchasing the album, though. Maybe I'll try to write something about it soon, I haven't done that at all yet I think.

The demise of Napster has severely limited my ability to comment on all this stuff. Oh well.

"Let Me Blow Ya Mind" - what's more surprising: that Gwen can sing nice or that Eve is prepared to? Excellent stuff anyway, though y'all have to hear the reggae-tinged "No No No" for further evidence of Eve's nice vocal chords.

Dream's "This Is Me" is all up in technology's ass, but if it has a discernible tune I'm yet to hear it.

Nikka Costa had a former life as an alt-pop-hopeful in Australia, and on that evidence she's nothing particularly special. I'll be interested to see if she's transformed herself, but last I heard she was doing some sort of rootsy, bluesy affair. How is that challenging J Lo?

Speaking of J Lo, "Play" is great - the best r&b for dancing so far this year - as opposed to r&b for training, seducing or throwing things. And it's got a better groove than "Music" had. Love the way there's a gratuitous rhythmic stutter in the bridge as a way of saying "just because I like Prince, doesn't make this old skool shit."

And finally, "Lady Marmalade" - I like it more all the time. Yeah Mecha-Christina is thoroughly disturbing, but... Lil' Kim? How can I hate anything Lil' Kim's in? FYI: usually when Kim raps about sisters gettin' that dough, she's referring to table-top dancing, stripping or prostitution rather than just flossin' with their boyfriend's bling-bling; this also fits in with Moulin Rouge's theme. Not that this anyway *excuses* her, but I'm pretty sure she's not contradicting Pink here. Not that it would matter.

I think Nick is pretty.

Sterling, "Peaches And Cream" is yet another song that is DA BOMB that's on the countdown. I was singularly unimpressed with their previous efforts, but everything I've heard off of their new album has been beyond PHAT.

Small, irrelevant note: I'm not American, but I get some audio channels on the TV that are piped from the US, one of these channels is the mostly despicable "alternative". So I'm not sure if the bands that I was complaining about actually make dents on the US chart. And, yes, I meant "Lifehouse".

I saw Nikka Costa on MTV yesterday. Is she the one with the crappy hippy guitar or the one with the backing that sounds like Prince? I get confused. Help me out, flatmate.

Clarke, I think it's the jungle rumble sound that people like about Get Ur Freak On more than the rapping. Although you must like it when she goes 'HOLLER!'.

I think Nick is pretty.

Aw. That's nice. But how do you know? I'm saving up my photo for the return of Am I Cool Or Not? Actually, fuck that - I'm too worried that people will guess straight away that I'm a Belle & Sebastian fan.

Oh. My. God. R. Kelly's "Fiesta" remix with Jay-Z has to be the smoothest crusin' tune since E-I was topping the charts. Smoother perhaps, if only because it mentions so much damn cris.

My god. It's almost like searching through a bargain bin looking for one, even just ONE, winner. Um. Haven't heard some of those and if I were feeling foolishly optimistic I might have hoped that would make a difference. As it is, Dido, Moby and the Madonna one are...ok.

What's with dogging on nu-metal for being would-be grunge? None of it sounds like grunge at all, it's not made by hippies, you can dance to it with short hair, the singers at least give off the impression that they're trying to have sex (or rape someone, which is alot easier for a 14-yr old to empathise with than Eddie Vedder), and the guitars (at least on the good ones, like "Breakdown" by Tantric, "Butterfly" by Crazy Town, and "Bartender" by Hed Planet Earth) sound like hungry snakes rather than domesticated boars. Other favorites: "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse, "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot (the best grindcore ballad ever), "When Worlds Collide" by Powerman 5000 (the best Marilyn Manson song ever), Saliva's "Your Disease" (the best nu-metal song ever).

Sterling, can you explain the Cris references to me.

But yeah, "Fiesta" is a hella cool tune (I'm saving my thoughts on it - and 112, QB's Finest, Erick Sermon etc. etc. - for Skykicking though).

Kim, what you on about? I would kill for the Australian charts to look like this.

Explain cris references? Uh.... Cris = Cristobal (sp?) champagne, the liquor of choice of rappers who be bling-blinging everywhere. Jay-Z and R. Kelly mention lots of Cris in the song, is all.

Ah, I'd expected it was some sort of champagne, but I wanted to be sure. I asked because I also noticed all the references in "Fiesta", as well as just about every other hip hop/r&b track at the moment. It seems to have replaced Moet in much the same way as cunnilingus has replaced anal sex as the fetishised object/activity of choice. Hip hop is fun.

Nikka Costa is the one that vaguely sounds like Janis Joplin singing through a fuzzbox. My brother's exact quote was, "I mean, who needs a non-funky, lesser-talent, ass-hider like Ditty-Diddy Bang-Bang's ex when you can get some ol' Janis Joplin 2000 isht, complete with backfield and a bugged out web site?"

He does go on to say, "Of course I haven't even heard the record yet, so I reserve the right to kick Nikka and her pfat australian booty to the curb if she ain't reppin' more than some pleasing imagery...", so he's covered either way. :)

fred, no. not even close.

Nikka Costa almost makes Macy Gray palatable. Almost. I'm not judging this by bootyliciousness, just by zer music. I'd rather pull my fingernails out than ever listen to it again, it's bound to be less painful than the turgid funk she churns out. It almost makes one long for Lenny Kravitz.

I have to say that I was absolutely thrilled to see old Lady Marmalade at number one. I have done a complete turnaround on Mecha- Christina. She's fabulous now, with her bizarre attempts at glamour and her loss of contact of reality. Cher seems far too sensible these days, so someone has to usurp her Queen of Bad Taste crown.

Of course, her singing is still awful.

However! It doesn't take away in the slightest from Lady Marmalade. All of Pink and Christina's caterwauling puts it totally over the top, kind of like a pop Welcome to the Jungle. And of course, Lil Kim is always welcome, providing an almost classy antidote to all manner of wailing going on elsewhere in the song. It makes me mad I still haven't seen the video for this...

when i saw the nikka costa video, the first thought that came into my mind was: "what if macy gray had a somewhat good reason to think she was hot shit?" though if this was an emode quiz, the pairs would be macy gray/lenny kravitz and janis joplin/nikka costa. and i know what i just did.

"lady marmalade" is a fucking juggernaut, though i don't know if that's a good thing. it basically just FRIGHTENS all competition. in the video, mya looks like the poor russian girl who's forced to sell her body for her family like sonya in crime & punishment, whereas the rest of the "girls" look like utter professional whores. lil' kim aside, pink looks most like a "lady of the evening" if only because she seems like she'd actually walk the walk, whereas christina seems so into herself that she'd make you pay to watch her masturbate.

lifehouse is total dawson rock. i never noticed how young they were until the other day. jeez. i wouldn't know "fiesta" if it bit me in the ass. lil' romeo is a str8 playa. how cool must it be to master p's son? and how bad are things going for no limit that he makes his son rap, possibly against his wishes? it'd be so great if his name actually is romeo.

Nikka Costa ain't got that much reason to think she's hot shit either, though certainly a better reason than Macy Grey.

Christia Aguilera has the most unattractive body I've ever seen on any famous person in the entire universe. What possessed her to put on all these whore clothes? I can't think of any other reason to be interested in her besides her looks, since she's a mechanical robot singer and certainly has no personality, so I don't feel bad dogging her physically because what the hell ELSE can you say about Christina Aguilera? And that HAIR.

Christia Aguilera has the most unattractive body I've ever seen on any famous person in the entire universe. What possessed her to put on all these whore clothes?

Because, despite all the evidence otherwise, you can tell by her triumphant smirk that Christina thinks she is the most attractive and talented diva ever. She makes Mariah look almost...normal and down to earth by comparison.

Nicole: You're right, but I'm wondering why she thinks this. It's kind of sad, I just want to grab her and shake her and do her up to look somewhat decent, maybe it'd help? I mean, she looks like she's starving to death, she has that body type, the emaciated shoulders, arms and legs (complete with knocky joints), but with that big bloated stomach you get with extreme malnutrition. I mean, what's going on there? She really DOES look unhealthy, like she hasn't eaten properly in years, and it bothers me. And that HAIR.

I said, and that HAIR:

didn't anyone tell her, incidentally, that if you aren't attaching the garters to anything you're meant to remove them?

I'm sorry, I'm being really catty today.

Actually, the turgidity of "Like A Feather" is exactly why I like it so much. The beat is a swollen, bloated monster frat-boy staggering down the stairs after doing one keg stand too many, while Nikka growls in the background like the extraordinarily stoned sorority girl leaning against the bannister who will kick some major ass if the frat-boy dares to spew vomit on her new leather pants. I'm kind of into the production tricks they worked on that track where they took a fairly bangin' beat and submerged it and the vocals under water, making it simultaneously hyped and chilled.

Mecha-Christina is officially the scariest woman in the universe. The only thing that could be scarier would be if she started giving beauty tips to Margaret Thatcher. (Okay, I voulntarily place myself in the penalty box for inadvertenly invoking the mental image of Maggie in the "Lady Marmalade" video... sorry.)

well, at least you didn't say that you'd like to give her a rim job, "hoestyle."

i did, though.

How would you be able to that with your boneless chicken? Hmm?

Nicole, some questions are NOT MEANT TO BE ANSWERED.

This is not one of those questions.

― Dan Perry, Monday, 4 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Um, stop being bold, please... (Damn. Now I'm in the penalty box for fucking up HTML.)

Is it a coincidence that I just checked Groke and the first sentence reads:

"Excitement plays chicken with me constantly."

I think not.

I thought "Kris" was short for Kristal. I've never heard of Cristobal champagne, are they the same thing?

Pop Eye: Whoever stole Christina's ass should steal her wig too, and probably just steal her while they're at it, even though of all the marmalade ladies' car crash caterwauling, hers is certainly the most spectacular (is she taking a Bullit for Fidel? She is half-cuban isn't she?). The real action in the charts is in the 3,4,5 spots -- the return of southern rock to the radio. Nelly, getting off "Gimme Three Steps" style, except he's grabbed the gunman's girl on the way out the saloon...Unkle Kracker Carpetbagger, putting the mellotron into modern country like he thinks the Beatles or REM would actually talk to a guy best known as Kid Rock's friend that isn't a dead midget, or the guy that does the worst theme song in WWF history (Is "Follow Me" is his one moment of brilliance, his "You're So Vain", or is ther more coming?)...I could totally imagine Nirvana doing "Hanging By A Moment" if they were still around, considering how spiritual Kurt was getting by the Unplugged days. It's basically Nirvana meets Hanson.

Most of the rap and R&B in the charts is quite bad...GURFO is Timbaland choking off his own revolution (it's so unfunky and ostentatious and Missy is just as embarassing a rapper as Magoo; "One Minute Man" makes me want her to just sing all the time and let other people rap), "Oochie Wally" is someone else choking on Timbaland's fumes, plus Nas at this point is probably an even worse rapper than Missy Elliot, "So Fresh So Clean" is only good for Andre's first verse ("Gator belts, patty-melts, and EL-do-RA-dos" is my kind of manifesto). As for Fiesta, here's a direct quote from my little brother, who listens to nothing but rap and R&B: "Give me something to listen to; I'm so sick of all this Fiesta Fiesta bullshit that I bought the new Linkin Park CD". I told him to listen to "Let Me Blow Your Mind". I'm beginning to really like Gwen Stefani, she can carry Moby and get carried by Eve. A total pro.

Unrelated to pop-eye: after doing some research, I've concluded that Slipknot is the best american band there is. Naked City-ish rhythms that sound like they were belted out on trashcans; a nu-metal vokillist that doesn't sound like a constipated child; brilliant, raving choruses like "You can't see California without Marlon Brando's eyes" (from "Eyeless"), costumes and makeup nearly as frightening as Christina's. Someone care to prove me wrong?

kris: dude, "nobody does it better." carly simon has two songs. uncle kracker is comfortable rock. he's like the dave holmes of the music scene...until dave holmes went and put fucking streaks in his hair. man.

i think you explained why lifehouse is so awful. on the other hand, hanson are working with gregg alexander. isn't it weird? missy is an awful rapper, you'll get no arguments (i hope), but why does "gurfo" need to be funky? it's very stilted, yes, but that's exactly why i like it.

be careful with your brother. that kid who shot up santana high was listening to linkin park too. linkin park makes me think that my hometown should change its name back to beavertown (!). i'm starting to like gwen stefani too, heh heh heh. she should've gone ghetto YEARS ago. and now the neptunes are producing no doubt. what next?

slipknot aren't the best current american band. not much in the way of proof, but hey.

Whoa ! Kris deserves some sort of trophy for that bit of chart analysis - I'm even willing to give him the benefit of the doubt about Slipknot.

I didn't know Kid Rock had any friends besides the dead midget and James King. Jesus. Where have I been? I totally am out of the scene.

Fred's starting to like Gwen Stefani because everyone else is. I still hate her and in fact I hate her more now, but I like some No Doubt songs so who knows. I'll never like her, she's the annoying girl at my high school, this girl who was called Alisha and then she changed her name to Ally because she was stalking me and wanted my boyfriend and she started dressing like me, too. She reminds me of Gwen Stefani. So I really hate Gwen now that I thought about it.

no, i'm obviously starting to like gwen stefani because she doesn't do ska anymore, gavin rossdale doesn't appear to be anywhere in the picture, she's dressing better, and that STOMACH. she's welcome in my bed any day, just as long as britney or beyonce isn't over.

Well, she does appear to favor pathetic wussbags such as Gavin Rossdale, so perhaps you have a shot.

Gwen Stefani w/Eve = cool, because her voice was quite breathy and subtle and didn't have the whiny plainitiveness that usually makes her voice so nails on chalkboard. Plus, as she didn't write the lyrics there's no dopey "Wah, my ex-boyfriend is so mean" subtext. Whether she could pull off something similar on her own is highly questionable, though.

What the fuck did Gavin Rossdale ever do to you, Nicole, that you compared him to Fred?!?! Jesus, the poor guy. I mean, he seems like an idiot, but jesus....

Uh, Kris is, I think, half right. The actual name is Cristal, I think, and I don't know where the hell I came up with the other name from. Anyway. Whatever happened to Rob Zombie?

Also, Gwen still sux. Because she was good at ska. I kid you not. She does nothing for the Moby track, and the Eve track is all about Dre, not any sort of vocals. Dre notably crafts a beat which compliments Eve's awkward flow, as opposed to usual when the beat seems to make her flow sound that much weaker.

They're the ones spelling it wrong; Kris should always be spelled with a K.

well i think kris is spelt with a c get what i mean chris

US Pop Eye - that's an idea.