Wire Drinking Game

Now that I'm pissed, I think I'll go and listen to some Melt Banana...

That's 4 and 8 then, right?

Will someone come up with a Wire drinking game proper, please?

the 154 game - everytime you think to yourself "gee id rather hear one of the first two albums", you have to drink a beer.

winner dies.

or else he wouldn't be here, now would he, eh?

If the answer is yes to any of these, chances are you read the WIRE. The nation's top, nay, only publication for that sort of thing, the WIRE, has long been a champion of music they define as "adventurous", but we call "difficult". Priding themselves in covering everything avante-garde in the microgenres of modern music, their distinctive academic reviews often leave us worried that we are too stupid to listen to the music they write about. We often compare reading the WIRE to sitting through a Noam Chomsky lecture. Both are equally worthy, we are on both their sides, but jeez... a little levity for fuck's sake!

Well, we here at Get Retarded have come up with a way to make reading it even more fun with our patented WIRE drinking game! All you have to do is find some friends, grab a copy of the WIRE each (it doesn't matter which copy, for reasons which will become obvious), and a quantity of your preferred booze. Slap on a Keiji Haino CD, follow these simple rules, and let the drunkenness commence!!

BEER: Fill up your pint glass. Open your copy of the WIRE and start play.

Every mention of WIRE favourites Evan Parker, Derek Bailey, Anthony Braxton or John Zorn. ONE FINGER

Every mention of Scanner, Phillip Jeck, Otomo Yoshihide, Terre Thaemlitz, Coil, Charles Gayle, Ryoji Ikeda or Kid 606. TWO FINGERS

Every mention of the words 'improv', 'hermetic', 'laptop', 'glitch', 'installation' or 'Jim O'Rourke'. ONE FINGER

Every Merzbow or Muslimguaze CD reviewed. ONE FINGER

Thurston Moore does something 'jazz'. THREE FINGERS

Bill Laswell attempts to fuse another genre of music with his trademark global funk brew. TWO FINGERS

Every artist or label with unpronounceable punctuation in its name. TWO FINGERS

Whenever a reviewer pretends to like a CD of total silence in an attempt to disguise his rage at being ripped off. ONE FINGER

Any record you can bear listening to more than once that is not dismissed as 'whimsical'. DOWN ALL BOOZE IN THE HOUSE AND GO STRAIGHT TO BED

Amongst the esoteric articles and reviews in the WIRE, you will occasionally come across an artist or a record that really grabs you. For the next 2 months your life shall revolve around this record.

Not because the WIRE journo has so powerfully evoked in words the beauty of the Morocco-Vienna glitchadelia axis, and the resulting birth of pan-arabia record labels fusing Rai, glitch and polka structures.

No, more likely because one of the most distressing episodes a WIRE reader goes through is actually trying to get hold of the records you read about.

Don't worry too much. The WIRE drinking game can help numb the pain...

SHOTS: Choose from Scotch, Vodka or Tequila. Absinthe will be required as well.

Go to the reviews section. Pick a review at random and note what label it is released on. Flick towards the back of the magazine to the page on which label distributors are listed.

If your chosen label has a UK distributor. HOORAY!! GO AND ORDER THE RECORD FROM YOUR LOCAL RECORD SHOP

If your chosen label has no UK distributor but a UK address and contact number is listed. ONE SHOT

If your chosen label has no UK distributor, but an overseas address is listed. TWO SHOTS

If your chosen label has no UK distributor, no address anywhere and the item can only be ordered from the detailed website address, which is always under construction. THREE SHOTS

If your chosen label only has a fax number in Ontario, Canada. REACH FOR THE ABSINTHE

Repeat for 5 random reviews.

Ha ha that was my first thought after Peter Smith's first post...how would anyone survive after Pink Flag? Could anyone drink a beer in the space provided by "12xU"?

I prefer Chairs Missing. Which means I have to drink another beer if 154 is playing! Ouch!

Vic - I'm slightly sorry to spoil your game there but the 'label directory' did vanish from the mag just recently!

3:03
0:28
1:23
2:17
2:26
1:12
0:40
0:53
1:14
3:50
0:49
0:44
1:12
1:25
3:58
1:18
2:37
0:43
1:46
1:21
1:55
1:36

good luck!

ps - DONT DO THIS!

It's not 'my game' it's the one referenced in the first post from June 2001.

For every set of five consecutive pages WITHOUT a mention of John Cage -- TWO FINGERS (to accomodate non-drinkers)

Every time their party line on genre names ("HipHop") leads to an incongruous phrase -- DRAIN YOUR GLASS
(example: the capitalization in "he has also released a large volume of work in jazz and Improv")

Best post ever.

I can imagine me forcing any children I might have to play this game at their 7th birthday party. Beer 'n' all.

from sonicyouth's board

I heard an anecdote about Robert Gotobed last night. I missed the start of it so I'm not sure when it happened but I would guess it as the punk era or just before. Anyway, this guy I know knew RG and I think he probably shared a flat with him - or more likely a squat. Somebody had got hold of some opium and they decided to smoke a little before they went to the pub. So they each had a a small puff. 12 hours later they still hadn't made it to the pub. So it was suggested RG went out to buy some chips from a chip shop. Some time later RG returned. Without any chips. My friend asked him what happened to the chips and RG said he was standing in the queue at the chip shop and when it came his time to order he opened his mouth and no sound came out, he literally couldn't speak. I also used to know someone who knew an ex-girlfriend of RG and who had chucked him and broken his heart, she had no idea he'd ever gone on to have any kind of career in music.