how do you write about mediocre music?

Same applies for publications that do care about the quality of the writing, except then you have the added bonus of heading off on whatever tangent takes your fancy.

Damn, mediocre music is almost the *easiest* to write about. Not least because you have no emotional investment in your review or article, so you can relax and just write it.

I try to not be one of those guys who go into long stories about completely unrelated shit, mainly because I hate those reviews myself. Not to mention that I'm a terrible writer, so it would've been particularly obnoxious if I were to try it!
But I've received a few promos, though I generally decline the offers, and I know -exactly- what you mean. I stare at the screen, then end up just writing the most boring review possible, though I try to at least describe the music. It's definitely not easy going, as there's really nothing that you can latch on to and rave about or completely trash into the ground.

Then I write something moronic like "Oooh, megafans of the genre might like it, but the rest of us can safely steer well clear!"

It's a good thing I'm clogging up the internet with my garbage http://home.online.no/~poholsen/dontgothere.gif

The problem is this -- dull albums make dull writing. It's hard to spruce up something that you find dull. A good reviewer can't help but give his opinion away -- the writing itself reflects the feelings involved. I can always tell when Ebert didn't give two turds about a movie -- he'll give it three stars and write the most uninteresting review ever. Those are the movies I most avoid.

do you think plumbers sit around and ask each other how they fix a leak that they don't care about?

Then I can probably safely say that they bore me to tears particularly their "rock critic in residence".... zzzzzzzzzzz!

Jerry, check your email!

That'd be a lot better for the reader than having you take the assignment as an excuse to write some faux-clever Pitchfork crap.

It may also be a good idea to show some empathy and not just slag it off, because you're judging something someone spent some time, energy and money into creating. Try to find some value in the work, and let the reader know about it.

Mike, I suspect the problem may not be "I have no opinions about it" (because you clearly do: you think it's mediocre) but "I can't think of any ways of describing it" (reads similar, but is entirely different). In which case.... no, you probably shouldn't be writing about it. But assuming you will anyway (because hell, a paying gig is a paying gig, right - er, *like I know*) then relax. It's not difficult, this criticism lark. Do some research (the Internet is a fucking boon!). Make a cuppa. Listen to some stuff you like. Then try again

Damn rumbled... and I thought I was being all, like, cryptic and everything...

I consider my 12-year-old stepsister all of the above, too, and respect her musical opinions far more... and I seriously mean that.

I can spell just fine - I just can't type!

He is bloody dreadful though isn't he... total fucking donkey of a writer, same with Lynskey, too... Both have written pieces that have damn near had me gouging out my eyes and tearing out my hair!

CTCL does not make a profit. If you ever smell the paper we use, you'll understand why... For the last 16 months or so, I've been working an average of 30-40 hours a week for free (obviously I enjoy it)

Add scare quotes to any word you want in that sentence, preferably the last.

I still have a copy of the fanzine he once did. I should dig it out the next time i need a good laugh.

But he's ambitious, he always wanted be the editor of a national newspaper, he's half way there, give him another five years........

God help us all... then again I make my living at national newspapers, so I can actually see this happening... Better stop as by the sounds of it my career may one day be in his hands... it's a sickeningly unjust world.

1. Claim it is much better than it is.
or
2. Claim it is much worse than it is.
or
3. Give it to someone else to write about it

In the year 2003, if the like of Mojo are anything to go by, 1 is the preferred option especially if it is a "respected artist" or one that record companies have a lot of money invested in.

1. Forget about quality as a relevant factor (98% of pop music is mediocre, life's too short to be serious about finding the 2% that isn't).

2. You must do your research, ie FIND OUT HOW HIP PEOPLE RATE BAND X. This is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Misread the trends and your career is in the toilet before it even starts.

3. If you've decided band x are hip, praise them extravagantly. Make it clear you liked band x before everyone else. Better still, claim they started out by rehearsing in your bedroom. The lead singer/guitarist is such a close pal he regularly gets pissed and beats you up, which of course you view with amused tolerance after that incident with the groupie. Take plenty of swipes at not-quite-as-hip bands y and z, along with snide comments about their fans who don't have the cool to "get" band x. Analyse band x's lyrics in a way suggesting they have something profound to say about contemporary society, even though you know they are meaningless shite. A basic education in English may help with this but isn't essential.

4. If you decide not hip, denigrate mercilessly. Expose their lyrics as meaningless shite. Your level of hostility should increase exponentially with the band's popularity. Special levels of bile should be reserved for unhip bands liked by people who insultingly appear to believe they are as hip as you are, especially if you secretly fear they may be right.

5. You must NEVER take the view that if band x are not very good that is a bit of a shame, but not a big problem because you can go across to your cd player and put on something else. The mere existence of not-very-good band x, and their purportedly mystifying (but secretly highly comforting) popularity with the less hip exposes the rotten core of our political/social/cultural values and potentially blights all our lives.

Obviously this doesn't cover tricky situations like bands who are no longer hip but were when you hailed them as the saviours of pop music, or bands who were never hip but your editor thinks are, or whose fans buy the mag in large numbers.