You're on a transatlantic plane flight and you're sitting between Nicky Wire and Emma Bunton in 1st Class...

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Okay, you win a trip to New Zealand and you're all sat down and ready for take off. There are three seats and you eagerly await to see who is sitting at the window seat and who will be sitting at the aisle. As it so happens a well known, but shit, Welsh rock star called Nicky Wire comes past and squeezes past you to sit at the window seat. He introduces himself as "Nick, you might know me from the revolutionary and important rock band The Manic Street Preachers who have had two number one hits and met Fidel Castro and are the subject of a legendary missing person case". You nod along, feigning interest, when all of a sudden - dressed in a slinky green number - Emma Bunton sits next to you. You're eyes are fixated.

"Hi, I'm Emma - former member of The Spice Girls, now flogging a very shit solo career but somehow looking rather fit these days when before I was probably only considered to be borderline cute. Discussions about me on an online music forum called 'I Love Music' usually result in some moronic idiots complaining about issues of sexism when, actually, I'm trying to sell my image as a hot and horny you lady to impressionable teenagers".

Anyway, as the flight begins, Emma takes an interest in your general background, and seems to be genuinelly intrigued by the conversation. However, you are getting increasingly irritated by Nicky Wire who keeps interrupting and saying: "Ooooh you fancy baby Spice you do" and "I bet The Spice Girls haven't heard of Fidel Castro" and "Why would you be interested in her? She has never even read Capital by Karl Marx". Emma is also getting a bit embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Ali Campbell from UB40 is walking around, only he is dressed in clothes similar to Osama Bin Laden, is looking rather flustered and is making a "tick tock" sound. He keeps muttering the line: "I am Ali Campbell and it is time to JIHAD this plane in opposition to the tyranny of the West".

So, ILMers, what do you DO? Eh? EH?

― Calum, Sunday, 20 April 2003 14:19 (twenty-two years ago)

And the early reviews are in...

"Best thread evah!"

ILM Daily News

"A true masterpiece!"

The Sunday Times

― Calum, Sunday, 20 April 2003 14:23 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.sjhnasalsinus.com/images/snore.gif

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Sunday, 20 April 2003 14:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Why would it go across the Atlantic to NZ? Surely it would go east via Singapore?

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Sunday, 20 April 2003 15:46 (twenty-two years ago)

i keep thinking the black collar is actually that guy's feet, which just makes it all the funnier

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 20 April 2003 15:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought it was a bunny in a goth tutu doing a shit.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Sunday, 20 April 2003 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

so what is with airline peanuts these days? i mean you need a wrench to open the bag, oy...

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Sunday, 20 April 2003 15:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Talking fron experience you would be going East, but if you're going from The States you may have to go via the UK first. But, hey, it was bad wording. Singapore airport is fantastic by the way - if you ever visit be sure and enjoy some petty rebellion as you chew gum safe in the knowledge that such an offense in Singapore could give you a fine of $500!!!!

― Calum, Sunday, 20 April 2003 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

they'd have put you to death out there Calum, gum or no gum

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 20 April 2003 16:55 (twenty-two years ago)

panic?

― jel -- (jel), Sunday, 20 April 2003 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

What sort of skanky airline is it that has three seats from the window to the aisle in first class?

Anyway, I always book two seats one for me and one for my ego.

― its in his kiss, Sunday, 20 April 2003 17:40 (twenty-two years ago)

"Why would you be interested in her? She has never even read Capital by Karl Marx!" = BEST INSULT EVER.

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 20 April 2003 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Why would I win a trip to New Zealand?

― Cozen (Cozen), Sunday, 20 April 2003 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Order all the alcohol that I can in one round, down it all as fast as possible, the listen to Tell You Today by Loose Joints on my Headphones.

After the second or third round I'd ask Baby Spice to join me in the lavatory. I would then proceed to tell Nicky from MSP that the only Welsh cultural export that was worth half a shit was Dylan Thomas, and that he wasn't even in a real rock and roll band because nobody in America ever gave a shit about Manic Street Preachers.

After the fifth round I would go into business class and start yelling at the stewards and passengers, telling them that "I AM REM" and if anybody tried to stop me I would then tell them not to fuck with me, because I am in fact, a Viking.

After all of that happened, I would probably wander back to my seat in first class, put on my headphones and pass out to Here Come The Warm Jets by Brian Eno.

― Mike Taylor (mjt), Sunday, 20 April 2003 19:23 (twenty-two years ago)

After the sixth round i would UNLEASH THE FUCKING FURY

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 20 April 2003 19:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Just to point out that no one has addressed the Ali Campbell problem.

― Calum, Sunday, 20 April 2003 19:40 (twenty-two years ago)

we do not consider Ali Campbell a threat to our way of life

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 20 April 2003 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.nd.edu/~aford/princessbride/stupidity.jpg

― Ally (mlescaut), Sunday, 20 April 2003 22:31 (twenty-two years ago)

― James Blount (James Blount), Sunday, 20 April 2003 22:54 (twenty-two years ago)

swano roboto

― James Blount (James Blount), Sunday, 20 April 2003 22:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Ali Campbell? I thought that would be Cat Stevens. :-)

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Monday, 21 April 2003 00:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I would pester Nicky with eyeliner advice. That is really all he is much good for, even if he has given up the habit.

― Nicole (Nicole), Monday, 21 April 2003 01:09 (twenty-two years ago)

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