[A Calum thread abt how important his erection is to us all]

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Check this out:

http://www.playboy.com/sex/features/indierock/

And check this out:

http://www.playboy.com/sex/features/indierock/results.htmx

Come on Nixey lovers - are we gonna let the hottest lady on the list slump into last place with only 2% of the vote or we gonna make Calum a happy chappy and give Nixey the much deserved layout whereupon she pouts to the camera in several sexy undressed situations?

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:48 (twenty-two years ago)

blah blah blah yaddda yadda chauvinist pig, blah blah blah yadda yadda freedom of speech, blah blah fucking censoring me, blah blah blah you big twat, blah blah blah calum a serious issue for ilx, blah blah blah but if we do this then blah blah blah why do we hate calum, is the beast within me blah blah blah blah sex obsessed, blah blah blah ilx censor brigade shutting me down, blah blah blah no sense of humour, blah blah blah double standard, blah blah fucking blah.

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Yay, 'chauvinist pig' that's what I WANTED to hear Ronan.

Ah yes, you really don't go out much do you Ronan? Do you? Never really look at girls or, Gawd forbid, fantasise? Heh heh, by your reckoning, every girl in a club looking for a guy is a pure fiction (girls don't like sex) and every guy looking at girls is a CHAUVINIST!!! I love ILM, I love it - a forum for music but without the 'sex' that is so central to every record ever made ever!!!!

I love you ILE. You still haven't grasped the irony of a rock and roll forum where any talk about sex labels you a chauvinist and yet chatting about bands that boast about all the sex they obtain through being in a band is fine...

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 13:56 (twenty-two years ago)

My post was pretty neutral actually.

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 27 April 2003 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh stop re-naming my threads. My erection is private (as it is embarassing). (what about re-wording your posts? - mod

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 14:11 (twenty-two years ago)

////////////|||||||////////////////||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\~~~~~~~->>
i love 1lm, i love uit - a froum fto mjusic but without teh"sex" that si so centtral to everry record eva rmade evar!!!!!!!!111~~~~~~ I L0VE U iLE!!!!!111~~~~~~~ LOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~ ypous till haveN"t grasped te ior|\|y of a RiXoR nad orll frouM whjare any talk abuot seX0 rlabels ypou a chauvinist and yet chatting about bands tjhat boast about all teh seX0tr tehy obtai|\| through biEng in a band si fine llololololo~ .. 1 own joo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|||||||||||???|??|??|??|?|?/////\/\/\////
then why the fuck not start your own motherfucking mail list if it fucking bothers you so fucking much for fuck's sake eat shit and die motherfucker fuck fuck piss fuck shit motherfucker

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Calum you could just copy-and-paste what Ronan wrote from now on and it'd leave you more time to polish the bishop

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Too much ever, besides, I kinda like Pashmina's use of English. It's terrible but amusing. And what's wrong with saying p0rn star?

ILM is bizarre, it's like a Twilight Zone where sexuality is kept under a box and if opened can only be labelled as wrong, misogynistic, sexist etc etc Strange but funny all the same.

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Calum, people do talk about sex all the time around here. What they're telling you is that the way you do it gives them the creeps, 'cause you sound like a caricature of somebody experiencing sexual feelings. Like a character out of Viz or summat.

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:11 (twenty-two years ago)

I've known more girls to quote Sid the Sexist lines than men in my time. But he IS funny.

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Like a character out of Viz or summat.

... or Penthouse Letters...

― jm (jtm), Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

also, Ronan wasn't calling you a chauvinist. He was pointing out that every thread you start seems to proceed from the same premise & follow the same predictable lines. The "blah blahs" are Ronan's predictions of how the postings in this thread will go. Given his uncanny ability to see into this thread's future, Ronan = the Irish Nostradamus. Wherefore I must ask Ronan: who do you like in the sixth at Belmont?

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 27 April 2003 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

change that 'ILM doesnt believe music is primarily motivated by sex issues' record or whatever the fuck its called Calum...why you continue to generalise an entire message board's clientele in all thinking the same thing bugs me. it may suit your apparent 'everyone hates me cos i'm just a free-thinking rebel who plays by my own rules, and i those rules usually revolve around wanking over slim hot chicks, wahey!' beliefs but its wholly inaccurate.

that said, i didnt have a problem with your initial post.

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 27 April 2003 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks Steve, I didn't have a problem with it either.

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

ILM is bizarre, it's like a Twilight Zone where sexuality is kept under a box and if opened can only be labelled as wrong, misogynistic, sexist etc etc Strange but funny all the same.

No it isn't Calum, you just think it is...
let me break it down like this: i like girls, some people here like boys, many of us like music about shagging, because a huge amount of music is as you say about sex.
the problem is that you don't make any of these things sound very interesting Ð I mean, what precisely are we debating here?

― bored person (Dave Stelfox), Sunday, 27 April 2003 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

bang on

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 27 April 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

We're debating Nixey in Playboy! And maybe the title of the layout. What about "England Made Me... A Babe!" or "Babe Box Recorder" or "The Facets of Loveliness" or something??!?

― Calum, Sunday, 27 April 2003 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

UPDATE: Due to a recently liking for Fran Healy, Wendell will no longer be writing this column. He was a part of my band, the Spice Stalkers. Wendell was Sporty Stalker. I kicked him out because he was a pussweed for following that loozer and Andy Bell around. I also fired Baby Stalker, Posh Stalker, and Ginger Stalker--leaving myself, Scary Stalker. My real name is Theymine Allmine Gallagher, and I am the elder brother of Noel and Liam Gallagher. Noel and Liam THINK their elder brother is Paul, their mommy is Peggy, and their daddy was . . . hey, they can't remember his name, so don't expect it out of me. They also THINK their names are Noel and Liam, but I am here to tell you that they are lying, as usual. Noel's real name is Coco, because he looked so much like a cute little coconut when he was born; Liam's real name is Bunny because Coco--well, Noel to you--tried chewing on his leg at Easter when he was five. The name fit my youngest brother very well, because his face now looks like that of a rabbit thanks to his new front teeth.

I decided to go solo in my stalking, finding my bandmates were a hindrance to me.. My whole purpose in this endeavor is to move my brothers and myself into a cave, where we will live forever with our brothers, the Morlocks. And YOU thought H.G. Wells was writing fiction?! NOT SO!!!!!!!! Hairy, cannabalistic, and combative creatures really DO exist--and sometimes they form rock-n-roll bands and mate with human women! Coco and Bunny are proof of that. Here are the journal entries from last week's Stalker's Diary:

1-6-03: Burgled Coco's house today. What were all those Victoria's Secrets panties and thongs doing in his sock drawer?

1-7-03: Spied Bunny at the playground with some of his offspring he begat upon human women. Playtime was cut short when Bunny took colic and puked up his formula upon the human woman's Angora sweater while being burped.

1-8-03: Still exploring Coco's house. Why is there so much HAIR in all the sinks--even in the kitchen?

1-9-03: Bunny at Coco's house today. Many windows smashed plus profuse profanity at obscene decibel levels. Bunny developed colic and puked on Coco's Man City doormat. Coco very angry.

1-10-03: Coco at Atomic Kitten concert with offspring begat upon human women. Female cub exited squealing, "Kylie! Kylie!" To which Coco replied, "Shaddap, Bonehead!" Such a little nurturer, our Coco.

1-11-03: Bunny still puking. I move the vat of battery acid away from the Guinness Stout keg in Bunny's garage and empty it out into Bunny's wading pool. Bunny seems to be feeling better this afternoon, although his human female brood-creature should NOT have washed that Angora sweater in the wading pool.

1-12-03: Coco visiting Bunny, angry over loss of battery acid. Says it gives his beer the little "kick" he likes. In a bellicose mood, Coco goes home to listen to records from Burr, a Scottish band with whom he had a tiff in the past.

4-15-03 (she's been on holiday!): Some call them delusions; I call them premonitions, but I knew I had managed to warn Coco in time when, in the course of giving an interview and being asked why he'd shoved his bed out the large third story window of his house, he said: "The British Tax Service (I don't know WHAT England calls its version of the Internal Revenue Service) has wired my mattress--if they can't burn me on withholding, they'll fry me in bed."

― On Point (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 27 April 2003 17:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Coco & Bunny!

― stevem (blueski), Sunday, 27 April 2003 17:47 (twenty-two years ago)

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