Mr Swygart's thoughts on the top 20 for the week ending 27/4/2003

i think that Lisa Maffia track is as good as the Mis-Teeq (i.e. meh-borderline-ooh) but the lyrics are just TOO annoying, 'cept for the 'Liiiiisa' bit indeed

i dread next week's chart if it involves Good Charlotte AND that terrible 'Do It With (or is it Like?) Madonna' song

Kelly Rowland
Tomcraft
Killer Mike
Li'l Kim
Puretone
Craig David

Out of that lot, Tomcraft seem like the only real #1 contender. I think Good Charlotte and the Androids (KILL) are out the week after.

Someone remembers Jennifer Paige. Overblown power ballad in a really, really bad way. Fingers crossed that she won’t get another hit. Please. Wes has made some hilarious anagrams of her name. Too hilarious to share.

19) PLUMMET – Damaged

Dave Pearce approved dance (it may be trance, it may be techno, I don’t know the difference). But it’s one of those things Big Daddy Baseball Cap plays over and over on Dance Anthems, and as such reminds me severely of bathtime on Sunday night before going to school and panicking about double physics in the morning, and as such it is making me feel really unhappy, and as such I am considering listening to The Delgados instead.

18) D-SIDE – Speechless

But no, I resisted the temptation, and oh, what a reward… modern pop marketing is a fickle bastard. D-Side have been almost as disturbingly ubiquitous on telly as Busted this past week, and they go down nine places. Unless they’ve got a true killer of a second single (judging by this piss-weak 5ive rip-off, can’t see that happening), I’d be slightly surprised to be hearing from them again. Plus which, all their voices are identical. Exactly identical. There’s a bit where one goes ‘a bit falsetto’ to try and differentiate himself. It sounds like he’s trying to take the piss out of Tim Burgess, and failing.

17) JENNIFER LOPEZ & LL COOL J – All I Have

Seven, eight weeks on the chart, something like that. It’s still not any good – slow and pretty much sleep-walked, sufficient namechecking of the block and the street and that shite, possibly has a chorus somewhere. Not really sure. LL sounds like he’s only there cos Ja Rule was washing his hair that night.

Wes continues to big up the One Big Weekend competition. Yes, let’s go and see Feeder and The Stereophonics. OOOH! Wes delivers KILLER Stereophonics cuss! Again, far too good to repeat.

16) DANIEL BEDINGFIELD – I Can’t Read You

First decent tune of the twenty, Big Sweaty Hamster over-emoting to buggery, not quite the same without the accompanying flailing, and not quite as good as If You’re Not The One, but knocks Turin bloody Brakes into several cocked hats all at once. Bless ‘im. Ah – hang on – utterly forgot the acoustic breakdown where he just winds up into this enormous YELL, and that is fucking beautiful. Mr Bedingfield, you are a lovely, lovely man.

15) BLUR – Out Of Time

Smile is the Sunday morning kids’ programme on BBC2. They have a chart of the five most popular songs among their viewers. This was top, and the presenters had to try and dance to it. God, did I feel for them. Decent song, but you just wish Damon could try and not be such a tight arsed twonk every now and then. No, Gorillaz doesn’t bloody count.

14) MIS-TEEQ – Scandalous

Sorry, just really do not quite ‘get’ Mis-Teeq. This does sound rather too like One Night Stand for my liking, and I just wish they’d stop fucking namechecking said song in the chorus, the way they put special emphasis on it as well… it’s not bad, but by the same token it’s not Bedingfield.

13) GARETH GATES & THE KUMARS – Spirit In The Sky

But hey, at least it isn’t this. Biggest selling single in the UK so far this year, which only makes me feel like outlawing all charities ever. ‘Skits’ not funny, Gates sounds and looks like the world’s smuggest shite – he really does sound like he believes he’s “Never been a sinner, never sinned – I gotta friend in Jesus”. Bollocks. Fuck off.

12) MADONNA – American Life

Madonna comes up with this, and Guy Richie produces Swag for Channel 5. How long till the divorce? Basic gist of single – America – bit shallow, innit? So heavy handed and ‘look, look, satire, LOOK’ that, after outlawing all charities, I would also like to outlaw all anti-capitalists ever, please. Thank you.

11) ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Come Undone

Did think this song was sincere anger when I first heard it last week, so I quite liked it, then on TOTP he’s all Mr Twatabout again. Which was a little annoying. But it’s still not too bad, bit power-ballady in a better-than-her-off-Neighbours-but-not-quite-as-good-as-Bedingfield kind of a way. And it’s a good deal better than Madonna.

They run back 20 to 11. No new entries. It feels like it all happened last year. It’s a bit depressing, really.

And now the hot 10. Do you reckon Wes wants to sound like Steve Penk, or can he just not help it?

10) KYM MARSH – Cry

Ol’ Dead Eyes is back… Never has pronouncing ‘I’ as ‘AH’ been covered up quite so painfully. It thinks it’s Natalie Imbruglia. It’s a bit too average for all that. Rain and pain and gain all rhymed in the space of one line. Well done you.

9) JUNIOR SENIOR – Move Your Feet

Scary Thought – do you reckon this is what Albarn thinks Gorillaz sound like? Great on TOTP, one of the few singles thus far that seems like it really does have a stupidly huge smile on its face, and as such I want to hug them.

8) TRIPLE 8 – Knockout (NEW ENTRY)

It’s the Bristol D-Side, in that they’re ripping off 5ive’s ‘uptempo’ numbers. That Simon Fuller – far-seeing man. This isn’t very good, by the way – Lenny Kravitz fused with… well, 5ive. What does this git who’s doing the ‘rap’ bit think he’s doing, by the way? Jesus. Hopefully down the chute just as swiftly as their Irish twins.

7) THE WHITE STRIPES – Seven Nation Army (NEW ENTRY)

Think this is the New Rock Revolution’s first impact on the top ten, which with the amount of fuss the NME kicked up is a bit surprising. But I really do like it, honest I do. The intro on its own is lovely, the guitary bit that sort of stands in for the chorus is really nice, the bass-o-twang under the verse is also great – yeah, Meg’s not the greatest drummer ever and Jack does seem a bit of a twat, but maaaaaaan... And yet I just can’t see myself buying the album, even if Fearne Cotton does think they’re ‘great’.

6) DMX – X Gon’ Give It To Ya (NEW ENTRY)

I’ve got a feeling this might be his first ever top 40 single over here, which seems odd. It’s Ja Rule’s big, angry brother. And he appears to have Gold Chains on production. This is a rare magic indeed. It’s probably meant to be dead serious, cos I dunno quite how you could dance to it (look, yes, I am an indie kid, lay off, eh?), but I’m just sitting here giggling. The beat is clomping about so awkwardly, DMX is ranting in a slightly incoherent fashion, the chorus seemingly comes in when it feels like it… smashing.

Dave Pearce’s big feature – win a chance to have dinner with Boy George to celebrate the release of Hi-Gate’s new record. Hold me back.

5) 50 CENT – In Da Club

In case D-Side are listening, this is how you do a debut single, i.e. make it memorable, at least. And this is definitely that. Dunno what the verses are about, but that chorus just feels like it has a mortgage out on everybody’s soul. Quite good an’ that, and as such Wes cuts it off early. I love this man.

4) THE SONG OFF THE DEODORANT AD

This had one chance for redemption, i.e. keeping Busted off number one. It has failed. Thus, this is THE WORST THING EVER apart from that Gareth Gates record, and Busted (not their current single specifically, just them generally). The sound of Music Sounds Better With You photocopied on loo-roll ten billion times then wanked over by a giraffe. Pish. Go away.

3) DAVID SNEDDON – Don’t Let Go (NEW ENTRY)

Ah fuck. This was the only thing that had a chance of beating Busted (I think), and it’s fucked up. He chose The Saturday Show over CD:UK. Your loss, son. Anyway – this song has a triggered off a big neon flashing sign in my brain. The sign says 1987. And it’s… well, it’s sort of OK, weirdly enough. Though I do smell big chorus. Here it comes… oh well. Something about this song has me sort of liking it a bit. Possibly because it’s not his last single. Oh hang on, fake pause, THEN big chorus! Too damnably clever for me.

2)LISA MAFFIA – All Over (NEW ENTRY)

Oh, it doesn’t matter anymore, cos Busted and their street-team gonkoids are number one. The LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-SA! Bit is very nice. Other than that, it’s a bit like Mis-Teeq but not as good. Ah well.

(Just before Busted came on I had to go upstairs and have dinner, thus missing the epoch-defining moment when Wes got to tell them they had their first number one, and the actual playing of the record. The following is therefore entirely guesswork.)

1)BUSTED – You Said No (NEW ENTRY)

They’re big, ugly, failed child actors, their voices are like the whiney shit out of Blink 182 but even more kick-head-in-able, they have even less riffs than the Datsuns, they WILL NOT GET OFF MY TELEVISION, they WILL NOT GO AWAY, they have to appear on EVERY FUCKING PROGRAMME THAT IS ON BEFORE LUNCHTIME AND A FAIR FEW AFTER AS WELL, and now they’re number fucking one. Come back Room 5, all is forgiven.

I watched Kym Marsh on some C5 pop special this afternoon. She seems really nervous and lacking confidence. Her every move is so tentative. She abandoned the mic stand halfway through (in exactly the same place as on TOTP - it's obviously been choreographed) but she looked terrified. The song isn't bad though, on second listening. It has a quality that appeals to 12 year old girls, I think. A sort of wistful, rites of passage thing (same as Imbruglia's 'Torn' as William suggested).

The Room 5 record is probably one of my favourites of this year actually. The comparison with the Stardust record isn't quite fair. I don't think it's kitsch at all. And I'm really impressed with the beat. The old trouper Cheatham has sold it well with his tv appearances here also.

Having said all that the Stardust thing remains a winning formula and before it was overplayed I quite liked the song.

I'm not sure what point I'm missing. I fail to see how it's any advancement on that formula, while still acknowledging it's a nice record.

By the way, does anyone remember the original Plumb Damaged from the Broken Palace soundtrack ('98? '99?)? Gorgeous dreampop...I was rather surprised to hear this as a trance remake (although, perhaps not THAT surprising, considering all the remixes of downtempo Delerium songs...).

This had one chance for redemption, i.e. keeping Busted off number one. It has failed. Thus, this is THE WORST THING EVER apart from that Gareth Gates record, and Busted (not their current single specifically, just them generally). The sound of Music Sounds Better With You photocopied on loo-roll ten billion times then wanked over by a giraffe. Pish. Go away.

What song is this?