The UK Top 20, 11/05/03

New entries this week – Hell Is For Heroes (#39), Terri Walker (#38), Groove Armada featuring Sunshine Anderson (remember her? #31, anyway), HIM (#30 – jel will presumably be over the moon), Saffron Hill featuring Ben Onono (#28) and Dead Or Alive (#23). 15 new entries this week sees a lot of old dreck finally do the collapse, including – YES! – Delta Goodrem down SEVEN! Get the friggydiggydiggydoodaheh INNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

20) KYM MARSH – Cry

Bizarrely long-running one, this. Sounds like it’s been remixed with extra echoey bits and backing vox and stuff. Maybe I’ve just got the radio on a wee bit loud. It’s still dull as all hell, though.

19) JUNIOR SENIOR – Move Your Feet

Longest runner this week, sez Wes, though obviously he’s not allowed to tell us how long because the official UK chart company owns that information. And him. Presumably. I still haven’t bought the album, but if the New Pornographers is out tomorrow then I think I might, if only out of gratitude for making my Sunday afternoons a little less shit for the past month or so. It’s grate, really it is.

18) THE DANDY WARHOLS – We Used To Be Friends (NEW ENTRY)

First new entry inside your UK official top hot 20 soaraway singles countdown on this sizzling summer Sunday afternoon and it’s shit. Looked like utter twats on Jonathan Ross, but even ignoring that this just screams “XFM C-LIST”, with regulatory shitty ‘electro influence’ and pseudo-clever lyrics – “If ever again, a greeting I send to you…” – dear god, it’s like everyone’s suddenly forgotten how shit The New Electrics were...

17) SNAP! – Rhythm Is A Dancer (NEW ENTRY)

“Rhythm is a dancer, smoking gives you cancer, needles give you HIV…” Man, it’s just like I’m 8 again. Before you know it, I’ll be finding David Baddiel funny and everything. However, this is a slightly dodgy Dave Pearce-esque reworkage, that appears to have completely written out Turbo D’s bits – not a good thing, because all you’re left with is the chorus going over and over. Not much fun.

16) ROOM 5 featuring OLIVER CHEATHAM – Make Luv

Slowly slipping out of the public consciousness. Fingers crossed.

15) THE ANDROIDS – Do It With Madonna (NEW ENTRY)

It’s not often that the top 40 proves the assertion that you can’t polish a turd, but this is a blessed example of that – having been on CD:UK for about three months solid, all over the radio and shit, and they can’t even go top 10. UK Record Buying Public, you are fucking beauties, and I salute you (till I find you’ve put Good Charlotte in the top 10).The tune itself – The Rembrandts go comedy. With transvestites. But even worse than that sounds.

14) DMX – X Gon’ Give It To Ya

Oh, to be a radio editor for this man. The intro sounds like it’s just occasional snatches of him breathing… Dysfunctional as all hell, and it still rules. His growling is particularly fantastic.

13) RONAN KEATING – The Long Goodbye

Ah shit. I was just starting to enjoy myself, and I forgot this was coming. I’ll just nod off for four minutes or so, then. Still, at least it’s down ten from last week, so hopefully it’ll be out of the top twenty completely next week.

Shit on a stick, this is dull. I mean, I know that’s obvious, but I honestly cannot remember the last time a song numbed me to this extent… fuck off Keating. Just… fuck off.

12) FEEDER – Forget About Tomorrow (NEW ENTRY)

Feeder nick the strings off of U2’s Beautiful Day, and use them a tiny bit better. Obviously this is still pretty bleh and the lyrics are rubbish, simply by virtue of this being A Feeder Single, but dammit, they just seem like such dreadfully nice people, which is better than, say… U2.

11) KELLY ROWLAND – Can’t Nobody

Perhaps I was a bit harsh on this last week. But only a bit – it still feels too damn long, and it just doesn’t really go anywhere. She was naff on TOTP as well.

Into the hot 10 now. Wes says “20 – KYM MARSH – CRY!” like he’s a fucking field marshal or something.

By the way – Emma B – why?

10) LISA MAFFIA – All Over

Still alright-ish. The horrendous Game Stars, on which she made an appearance, was repeated yesterday lunchtime. Full review here.

9) BUSTED – You Said No

Three weeks inside the top ten. So it goes.

8) 50 CENT – In Da Club

Is never actually going to leave the top 10. Ever. Seriously. Everything else is collapsing down the chart like a wedding cake mounted on toothpicks, and this is only down one. I don’t know if I actually have an opinion on this song anymore. It’s not so much a single, more a fact of life now…

More interestingly, there’s still five new entries to come – Husan, Cheekies, R Kelly, Big Brovaz and Good Charlotte.

7) BHANGRA KNIGHTS & HUSAN – Husan (NEW ENTRY)

Hey hey hey, it’s the new Babylon Zoo! Song off a popular ad, snatch of the song played on the ad is fantastic and everyone thinks, “Wow, TUNE!” Then they hear the rest of the song – the ‘Zoo had their “images of fascist votes” bit, this one has a man rapping in the style of Partners In Kryme. As such, it becomes a bit shit,and Panjabi MC pisses all over it.

6) GOOD CHARLOTTE – Girls And Boys (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. It ALMOST sounds like it’s gonna be alright, the opening’s all sort of 80’s synth stuff, almost like All Of My Heart – then he goes and opens his fucking mouth. He’s the American Kelly Jones, the way his voice is unbearably mannered, the way he sings every half-decently so-and-so lyric like it is THE CLEVEREST THING IN THE WORLD EVER, the way every sight of his fucking face makes want to KILL… it’s better than their last one. But it’s still cack.

5) CRAIG DAVID ft. FALLACY – Rise and Fall

Wes still reckons Fallacy is actually Sting in disguise. Put him right – buy Big ‘n’ Bashy tomorrow. If it’s 2 CD’s, get the one with the DJ Die mix on.

4) TOMCRAFT – Loneliness

Best thing on TOTP, still doing quite well this week. Which, for a reason I just can’t quite fathom, is actually really heartwarming.

3) THE CHEEKY GIRLS – Take Your Shoes Off (NEW ENTRY)

It’s nicked the backing from the original NES Super Mario Bros., I think. It’s shite, obviously, but it does raise this question – Lou Bega only had one top 40 hit, but it was a #1. The Cheeky Girls have had two top 40 hits, but neither got to #1. Who wins? (Answer: Las Ketchup, cos they were great)

2) BIG BROVAZ – Favourite Things (NEW ENTRY)

It’s a decent sample. And that’s about as good as it gets, because this would appear to be a tribute song to a column the editor of the Redbrick Music Section, Mr Dan Smith, once wrote on how to dress hip-hop stylee, in that they have nicked all the brand names and shoehorned them into their rubbish rap stylings. However, Dan is great, and this sucks – hip-hop as approximated by some people who presumably enjoy being ‘street’ by driving down Brixton High Street with Richard Blackwood’s solo album booming out of the speakers. Shite.

1) R KELLY – Ignition (NEW ENTRY)

In which Kelly leaves the Earth, and appears to be orbiting a wee planet all of his own. Nice, floaty, occasionally bouncy (as signified by him repeating “Bounce” about nine or ten times in a row), like Usher would be if Usher wasn’t crap. Even ignoring the wonderfully ham-fisted sex references (“I’mma stick my key in your ignition”) and misplaced namechecking of Murder She Wrote, really rather good, and definitely one of the better number ones this year. Not as good as Big ‘n’ Bashy, though. Which is out tomorrow.