Best. Chart. Ever. (The UK Top 20, 18/5/03)

In a week which sees Shed Seven return to the top 40 with a really good single, and the Wildhearts unleash the lyric of the year thus far (“I need you needing me/LIKE UFO’s NEED HORSES!”), somehow it only seems fair that this incomparably inconsequential single sticks in the top 20 for another bloody week. Not bad, not good, not anything really. Hey, at least I won’t have to pretend to care about it next week. Hopefully.

19) BONE THUGS ‘N’ HARMONY featuring PHIL COLLINS – Home (NEW ENTRY)

I remember them. They did that song that Blazin’ Squad covered, and some song off the soundtrack of one of the Batman films, and something else, so obviously this is the ideal time for their comeback, cos… umm… hey, it’s Phil Collins! Sounding very like, er, Phil Collins. In fact, I could swear that this did come out when I still had to have a bath on Sunday night and try hiding the homework diary from my parents. Anyway, I can’t really make out the words, but it’s all dead socially conscious and shit like that, and, well, it just sounds like a cover of that cover of The Way It Is that Tupac did, but with the rapping a bit faster. It’s not much cop, no.

18) LISA MAFFIA – All Over

Why is it British urban acts are so obsessed with namechecking brand names? Have they not read No Logo? Anyway – yeah, still pretty much alright, but Junior Senior aren’t in the top 20 anymore, and Wes just skipped over them and played Room 5 instead, and we lost the Cup Final yesterday, and it JUST – ISN’T – FAIR…

17) DMX – X Gon’ Give It To Ya

Ah man. Yeah, now I’m cool. DMX feels me. Gizza cuddle, you big lug. (Side note – Wes still pronounces “Gon’” as “Gonna”, and seems really proud of this. Fool)

I’m now trying to remember how the Bone Thugs ‘N’ Sussudio song goes. I have completely forgotten. But hey, DMX is still great.

16) THE RED AND WHITE MACHINES – Southampton Boys (NEW ENTRY)

One of the Artful Dodger is involved with this. MC Alastair. He is rapping like Bob The Builder. Fuck it, man, it’s a top 20 single bigging up the silky skills of Chris Marsden. If that doesn’t put a smile on your face, then… you’re probably DJ Martian.

15) DEFTONES – Minerva (NEW ENTRY)

Oddly, only their second top 40 entry. And… it’s not that bad, which is weird, cos I used to utterly hate it. I mean, it’s not wonderful, cos it’s all sloooooooooow and meeeeeeeeee-ninnnnnnnnnnng-fulllllllllll, and the lyrics are slightly annoying, but it’s not Staind, which is only to be commended, and the whole thing’s actually kind of pleasant to listen to, which probably wasn’t quite what they wanted, but, y’know, it’s OK all the same. It’s not going too badly this week, is it? God bless us all, indeed.

Wes cusses Chino Moreno’s trousers. Oooh.

14) BUSTED – You Said No

The tall one likes Aereogramme, and he went to see them play Nottingham, and they cussed Busted on stage, which pissed him off. So he demanded they apologise, to which Craig B, the ‘gramme’s balding ginger singer, replied, “Just cos you’re here doesn’t mean we’re not going to say we think your band’s fucking shit,” and as such the ‘gramme’s Sleep and Release album is now firmly ensconced in my top 10 of the year. Busted, on the other hand, are still shit.

13) MR REDZ vs. DJ SKRIBBLE – Everybody Come On (Can You Feel It?) (NEW ENTRY)

Hmm. It’s a big beat remix of a garage remix of Busta Rhymes and The Flipmode Squad, and it sounds very, very Yates’ Wine Lodge. It doesn’t really go anywhere, though there’s a nice bleepy bit they drop in every now and then… the new Room 5, but without the twatty dance, so it’s a mild improvement. Still not very much fun, though.

12) GOOD CHARLOTTE – Girls And Boys

It’s also a step up from this, but then again, you already knew that. He rhymes “conversations” with “situations”. Hey, maybe one day he’ll be as clever as Idlewild. Probably not, though.

11) 50 CENT – In Da Club

And so, ten weeks later, it’s still here. Apparently he will eventually release another single. Can’t wait…

TSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! It’s The Hot 10!!! No, Wes calls it the big ten. This may not be solely to piss me off, but with this man, I rule nothing out.

10) BHANGRA KNIGHTS VS. HUSAN – Husan

There’s a lot of shit rapping in this week’s top 40 – Lisa Maffia, MC Alastair, Lisa Maffia’s mate, Big Brovaz, etc. – but somehow, muppet-boy here is still worse than all of them. “Them look good like say they from Bollywood.” Because it’s got a sitar on. Do you see? Oh good.

9) BON JOVI – All About Lovin’ You (NEW ENTRY)

Baby, they’ve been to hell and back again. He’s going to lay it on the line. He’s gonna find a way. I swear, at some point in my life, can’t remember when, but at some point, I liked Bon Jovi. What that was all about, I really have no idea. I just want Junior Senior back man. I want it so bad, I just want this to stop and I want that big fat Danish lummox to make all my troubles dead and gone, and… has it ended? Please? Whew. Right, I’ve got to download Move Your Feet as fast as I possibly can…

8) CRAIG DAVID & FALLACY (NOT STING, FALLACY, THEY DO BOTH HAVE SHIT NAMES, YES, BUT THEY ARE QUITE OBVIOUSLY NOT THE SAME PERSON, ARE THEY, NO THEY AREN’T, SO SHUT UP WITH YOUR ‘CRAIG DAVID FEATURING STING’ SHIT, BUTTERS, DO YOU HEAR ME?) – Rise & Fall (Blacksmith Remix)

Right, Big & Bashy did not go top 40 this week, which is just plain WRONG, particularly when this is still in the top 10. Big & Bashy is so much better than this it isn’t funny. However, my copy of Big & Bashy is upstairs right now. I will listen to it a great deal later on as tribute. We tried, man, but those FASCISTS are just holding him down, and that just isn’t damn fair, but, like Chris Marsden said yesterday, he’s still young, and he will show you. And if Marsden says it, you know it is true.

7) CHEEKY GIRLS – Take Your Shoes Off

I used to know a bloke who took his shoes off whenever he felt like dancing at the indie nights at uni. The security would immediately order him to put them back on again. It sounds very similar to L.E.D.’s old holiday staple Zorba’s Dance, but with them singing over the top. And as such, it is an awful, awful lot worse.

6) LISA SCOTT-LEE – Lately (NEW ENTRY)

Dear god, it’s VHS Or Beta! No, seriously, it is! Got to audiogalaxy.com, they’re hosting a song called Heaven by VHS Or Beta, and if you take the vocals off this… it’s this! But better! Anyway, sounds more or less exactly like that Kym Marsh single, but with the switch flipped to ‘disco’ instead of ‘ballad’. It’s not horrendous, and it certainly isn’t H & sodding Claire (whatever happened to them, anyway), but it’s really nothing like as good as you’d imagine 3SL’s ex-manager thinks it is.

5) TOMCRAFT – Loneliness

She probably thinks it sounds a bit like this, but with her singing on the top. It doesn’t, because this is really quite good, and a fair bit better than her song. Not sure if her singing on top would improve it any… actually, no, course it wouldn’t. You’re being silly, Will, quit being silly!

4) SEAN PAUL – Get Busy (NEW ENTRY)

Ah man. 80’s Matchbox, Shed 7, Wildhearts, Fallacy, and now this… will we see a better week for singles this year? Anyway – this is proper fucking irresistible, the beat is skanking all over, Paul’s vocal is this relentless flow of jiggiosity, and it’s got this wee Lamacq-a-like grooving like a motherfucker. Dan Smith, if you’re reading this – 1) email me; 2) you are so fucking right about this man it ain’t even funny.

3) BIG BROVAZ – Favourite Things

Too good to last, obviously. Only down one this week. Still, at least Boys and Girls isn’t on the telly anymore.

2) GIRLS ALOUD – No Good Advice (NEW ENTRY)

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But not necessarily in a bad way, because R Kelly, the ol’ dirty bastard himself, has pulled off one of THE great chart upsets of all time. This, as has been documented copiously elsewhere on ILM, is a really very good single indeed, bending My Sharona all the way round and blowing most other British pop singles this year clean out of the water. Plus which, the ginger one is possibly the most disturbing person in pop today. And they were all over the telly, like – well, like women’s hands are with R Kelly’s ‘fro… and they’re number two. My word. In one week, the UK Top 40 has been completely reinvigorated. And it’s Popstars The Rivals and R Kelly what done it. Fuck. Ing. Hell.

1) R KELLY – Ignition

My word. This is the most incredible top 40 ever, and sitting right at the top of it is this man, this man who has been responsible for some of the most atrocious singles ever recorded, this man who thought that filming himself having sex with possibly underage girls couldn’t possibly have any nasty side effects, this man who has utterly improbably held off one of the most heavily-promoted singles in history… and this song makes no more sense than that either. As Dom has pointed out, the lyrics are, at best, utterly dimwitted, there’s this bit where, for no reason, R says “Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce”, but the whole things just floats by like the music for the end credits of the best film you’ve ever seen, which you see while lying in bed sipping cocoa and marshmallows as your bed floats gently through the clouds, and for no apparent reason the moon is replaced by Chris Marsden's head, and he says hello, and man… fucking ace. This is so fucking ace. Damn, it’s good to be alive.