Some pop star re-inventions that would never sell

*Letting NME's comments of his 'sexual prowess' go to his head Chris Martin "accidentally" releases a sex video of him and Gwyneth Paltrow to rival that of Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. Sadly, the resultant video shows Mr Martin to be afraid of oral sex and to have a fetish for sniffing Gwyneth's feet while she spanks him with a wet haddock (Result: Coldplay change the lyrics of "In my Place" to "On my Face" in homage to Chris's hangups and the band continue to be boring as fuck).

*Nicky Wire convinces himself he should run for Prime Minister. Running as an independent he agrees that socialism would be a good form of government and his election campaign is well publicised thanks to sponsorship from Coca Cola and Sony records. He also thinks that more money should be given to the Met Bar in London, thinks that all pop stars should be entitled to three large houses in Wales once they hit the top ten and feels that if you suffer the loss of a close friend you should be entitled a year off work. But only if you're in a band that releases chart worth singles (Result: Everyone thinks he's a dick. No difference there then).

*Britney Spears goes the method acting route for her next role - a fictional sequel to "Raging Bull" in which she plays the female version of Jake LaMotta. Piling on the pounds ala DeNiro during the final reel of the original, Britney soon rivals Alison Moyet in the chunky stakes (Result: Her acting still sucks, no one goes to see the film, critic Barry Norman revealed as having a fetish for young fat girls when he chats Britney up in an interview and shows signs of impending senility by asking for a blow job... but there is a sudden end to stalkers going through her underwear drawer).

*All rap artists agree to sit around a table and have a few beers so they can see that they are rich and happy and don't really need to be shooting each other (result: surprising harmony for a while until 50 Cent comes out as a homosexual and the rest of the rap fraternity takes out a $5 million reward on his head).