Definitely not the best chart ever... (UK Top 20, 25/5/03)

But now, time for the top 20. Five new entries… This may not be fun.

20) MR REDZ vs. DJ SKRIBBLE – Everybody Come On

They got some breakdancers to do stuff in lieu of actually enticing the Flipmoders to go on TOTP. It made a bit of a change, y’know, nice idea and that. But it’s still a bit… y’know, it just sounds a bit too like Renegade Master, the chorus bit comes in too awkwardly and too often, and when it comes out, that doesn’t work neither… not my fancy, really.

19) BUSTED – You Said No

Oh Jesus fucking Christ… oh, how many years is it now, Maurice? Maybe I’ll luck out. Maybe the Wildhearts will have gone back up the chart. But so far, the signs really, really aren’t very good. Come on, Will. Smile. The kickabout tomorrow should be fun, shouldn’t it? You can do the washing up tonight as well if you want.

18) BON JOVI – All About Loving You

I HAVE BEEN GOOD, I swear I have. This isn’t fair. It isn’t. Hell, it’s better than Busted, but so is the German Eurovision entry, and I ain’t exactly rushing to download that…

17) SONIQUE – Can’t Make Up My Mind (NEW ENTRY)

Probably the second best song in the top 20 thus far. That is saying precisely fuck-all, by the way. Oddly enough, sounds like it could be a Eurovision entry, for, oh, Holland or someone. The lyrics certainly could be – “Should I be good or bad? Should I go with the flow/Or should I take control?” Deux points, at a stretch.

Wes reminds us we still have Love Inc’s new single to look forward to. Man, this sucks.

16) DMX – X Gon’ Give It To Ya

First decent record to go back up the chart, but given what has gone before, this feels like the best song ever. Good old Mr Simmons. Hey, maybe it’ll overrun and Wes will have to cut one of the other songs out. Big Brovaz, maybe. Or Husan.

15) GOOD CHARLOTTE – Girls And Boys

So I was hoping for too much, then. The man still has a very, very twattable voice, by the way, and it still fucks the song over, even considering that it was already piss. “Losing their souls in a material world…” – piss off.

14) LISA SCOTT-LEE – Lately

I’m perilously close to liking this. It’d have won Eurovision, I reckon. I still would not be able to tell you how she sounds different from the other two women in Steps, though. Kym Marsh’s next single will probably sound like this. Ho hum.

13) 50 CENT – In Da Club

Actually goes down two places this week. Which is unexpected, maybe, a bit, well actually probably not, but, y’know. Yeah, I’m clutching at straws. What of it?

12) BHANGRA KNIGHTS VS. HUSAN – Husan

I saw this coming, you know. Sat there all the way through Fiddy Sen thinking, “It’s gonna be bloody Bhangra Knights next, isn’t it?” Maybe I can actually turn the chart off and just do the rest of this on guesswork. It’s not like I’m gonna miss anything by turning this particular song off. It really is a temptation, you know. Just give it another go – next up… Cheeky Girls.

11) CHEEKY GIRLS – Take Your Shoes Off

Fuck. I am skill. What’s very interesting about this song is actually how much better Romania’s Eurovision entry was. I mean, the woman was a really, really horrendous singer, and she did look like Sally Gray, but the tune itself was very nice. This is shit. (Do you remember Sally Gray? She used to present 50:50, and It’ll Never Work [with future Big Breakfast failure Rick Adams, if I remember right], and see always seemed to be on those travel programmes that came on when we were eating dinner. She’s disappeared now. Perhaps it was her after all. Hmm.) Next , oooh… Love Inc. No, actually, Craig David.

10) CRAIG DAVID & FALLACY, YOU FUCKING CUNT, WES, NOT FUCKING STING, YOU ARE A DIV, AND I HATE YOU, AND YOUR HAIR – Rise & Fall

Ah, sod off with your “I can only take your first answer” bullshit.

Right, Wes, you talk over Fallacy, that is when YOU GO TOO FAR. Now you gots me very angry. I’ll get Mark Morrison’s community service lookalike to get Mark Morrison to get Suge Knight on you. I will have to first find and befriend Mark Morrison’s community service lookalike, yes… ooh, I hate you.

9) TOMCRAFT – Loneliness

This cheers me up mildly. The chart should get better from here on, though, some decent shit coming up.

8) LOVE INC. – Broken Bones (NEW ENTRY)

OK, apart from this. And Big Brovaz. And the Stereo-cunting-phonics. But, hey, Sean Paul! TATU! R Kelly! That’s all still to come, though. Now we have this woman grunting unnecessarily over something that will probably be on the next Euphoria thing, a lot. And that’s really not very nice at all. Love Inc are from Canada. Just so’s you know.

7) TATU – Not Gonna Get Us (NEW ENTRY)

Oww… cuss. I quite liked them on Eurovision last night, you know. The ginger one looked very, very scary. In a ‘scary’ fashion, as opposed to the ‘eh, me and t’blurrrrks were out drinking WKD and Dave pulled this well scary bird!’ fashion. This is the best thing in the top 10 thus far, but it’s not their best. Why didn’t they release How Soon Is Now? That’s properly killer, as opposed to this, which is just very good. Hell, take what you can, I suppose.

6) SEAN PAUL – Get Busy

Last week revealed his ignorance of TOTP etiquette by asking the audience to “SCREAM!” They don’t do that, Sean. They just sort of sway, Jools Holland-style. Speaking of which, how brill was Cat Power? Then they cut to Robert Palmer. That was not very good at all. This, however, is most definitely great, the snaking theremin-type thing, the drums, the bass, the evil xylophone hybrid thing in the verse, it keeps grooving and will not stop for anyone, apart from the bit where Wes talks over the end, presumably. First time in this chart that I’ve sung along, by the way. Mr Paul, I like you very, very much.

5) GIRLS ALOUD – No Good Advice

Hmm – this has fallen off a bit, then, in that it’s lower in the chart than Big Brovaz. Which ain’t really where you wanna be. But hell, it’s still very, very good. Also featuring the infinitely disturbing Nicola Roberts and her impossibly blank facial expressions. What is it about modern female pop types that have ginger hair all being massively terrifying? Is it just me that feels this way? Oh crumbs…

4) STEREOPHONICS – Madame Helga (NEW ENTRY)

The Stereophonics have now had 15 top 40 hits. This fact makes me want to burn commemorative tea-towels… And yes, it’s crap. Kelly Jones’ singing makes Jemini sound… actually, no it doesn’t. But he’s up there with Good Charlotte fuckwit in terms of sheer “I am a LY-RI-CIST” smugness kick-head-in-ability. The song itself is like their last one, and the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that… but you knew that already, didn’t you? Shit, yes.

3) BIG BROVAZ – Favourite Things

Third week in the top 3. Why? You can’t rap, your lyrics are cack, the beat is uninteresting, it’s complete and utter fucking turd. I still can’t make out if I hate it more than I hated Spooks… it must be very, very close. They’re still both preferable to City High. But only just. Let us pray they go away very, very soon. Come on, God. What you done for me lately?

2) JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – Rock Your Body (NEW ENTRY)

And yer man Kelly does it again, but the midweeks apparently had him ahead by a very long distance, so it’s not really as exciting this week. Still, considering just how omnipresent this tune’s been lately, it’s a fair achievement. As for this one itself… hmm. It does feel like his weakest single thus far, somehow. I don’t actually believe he wants to dance with anyone, least of all me. There’s a void at the heart of this, especially that video, which obviously was very expensive, but somehow just isn’t terribly impressive. Eels’ drummer did the whole floating in mid-air thing much better, plus which he did it with a drum. Beatbox to that, goatee boy.

1) R KELLY – Ignition (Remix)

Saw the video for this for the first time this week… and it just makes it all seem even odder. R does his ‘PAIN’ face a lot, and there’s this completely random shot of his head turning around, and he doesn’t actually have a ‘fro, and though there’s a lot of women none of them actually seem to be terribly interested in Mr Kelly himself… crazy. And number one for three weeks. Considering the shit I’ve had in my ears for much of this countdown, I can’t help but smile.