Great put downs

Dave Marsh on the Osmonds - "The only people I've ever heard who deserve Andy Williams. Sometimes I wish they'd learn to ski, then meet his ex-wife"

isn't the taylor parkes s*m*a*s*h interview the one that people usually put forward to this?

How about one about a book about a band? It's probably one of the best ripostes I've read about ANYTHING. And it's probably better if you've read the book, too. Skewers the book's author, the publisher, the "indie rock" aesthetic, and even manages a few sly jabs at the article's author as well.

The book is _Our Noise_. The book's author is Jeff Gomez. The article was written by Franklin Bruno. The link to said article is here .

Slightly off topic, I was in a small-time band (A Nation Mourns) who got a less-than-glowing live review from your good self in the NME in 1985. We were supporting the Primitives at The Hammersmith Clarendon. Anyway, our keyboard player reputedly punched you at a later Primitives show. So....

1) None of us believed him. Were you ever assaulted at a Primitives gig?

2) If yes, sorry.

3) You were right - we weren't very good really

4) You were wrong - we were sonic visionaries.

5) I don't expect you to remember any of this!

Dr C. You're raving mad, mate. I don't have any recollection of any of the above events whatsoever.

I loved it when a certain writer called Smashing Pumpkins clowns...and Billy was so offended that he wore a clown suit and whined about people hating him. Worra little crybaby -- if he really was the rock and roll superstar/badass he so desperately thinks he is, he would have been able to shrug it off.

Ironically, he turned up for the Bozo special a fews weeks back. Coincidence? I think not.

I think Fred Durst's antics recently have been more of the same. Pathetically mewling about all of the "haters" out there who despise Limp Bizkit, and how he'll make them sorry they did. It makes him look like a spindly snot-nosed 13 yr old whose been kicked in the balls by every kid in class who then threatens to burn down all of their houses, but just runs to his room to sob and play with his Holly Hobby easybake oven. It's made him look even more laughable and limp (pardon the pun) than he did before.

Spin magazine, late 80s - Max Roach turfs the writer out of his house, yelling "I can't stand it, I can't stand it. Now you're telling me Led Zeppelin invented hip hop. Get out of my house you motherfucker." If memory serves me, the writer was a frequent contributor to this board, although I could be mistaken.

I used to like John Mendelssohn's bitchiness, whatever happened to him? "Vince Neil, self-proclaimed bad boy who wears make-up and pink spandex, is about to serve 30 days in the pen for drunk driving. I'm betting on him having a pretty hectic 30 days."

It was Frank Owen, Dave. Don't think he's *ever* contributed, unless trolling.

Re Jon Mendelsohn's bitchiness -- you should read his "Kinks Kronikles." The hatchet job he did on John Gosling (referred to as "The Exquisite One"), who was the Kinks' keyboardist during the Seventies, was priceless. I don't think Ray Davies speaks to or of Mr. Mendelsohn anymore b/c of that book.

Oh yeah, I also think that Jon Mendelsohn was publicly threatened with physical harm by Led Zeppelin as a result of a really nasty Mendelsohn review of one of their records. Tho' I love Zep, I also gotta love a critic like that!

To second Nicole's first observation -- we both cackled over that one in another thread elsewhere, but it does rather bear mentioning. I entertained people for months afterward with a dramatic reading of it. ;-)

Those who wish to amuse themselves again with the Taylor Parkes meets S*M*A*S*H scenario can go here.

A while ago I stumbled upon Paul Morley's interview with Duran Duran c. 1982; as much as I'll admit to liking their first two records, it had me laughing throughout. He kept referring to them as Duran Daft, Duran Damp, etc. The best line said something to the tune of "And do Duran Diane place much emphasis on clothes?"

That Franklin Bruno piece was a scream. Glad I never heard of the original novel, actually!

Jerry - your having no recollection does not necessarily mean I'm raving mad! It's a long time since 1985, anyway. However, thankfully it DOES mean that our keyboard player didn't stick one on you. That's good. The gig and your review are real - The Primitives first London gig, I think - promoted by Jon Beast.

1. Frank Owen? The fellow who did the incendiary Morrissey interview c. early 1987 or so? (1986?)

2. Dr C supported the Primitives at their first London show!!!

Words fail.

I would think so, Piney, and I'll hate him forever for that.

What happened with Weller punching the journo that had a go at him? And I'm sure Kevin Rowland had a few "intense" one on one moments from time to time. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PURITY!

No, nor your dungarees my young mang.

Frank Owen? The fellow who did the incendiary Morrissey interview c. early 1987 or so? (1986?)

It was funny that Mark mentioned trolling in the same sentence as Frank Owen, because that's precisely what Frank Owen did as a writer: trolling. I always got the impression that he wrote to upset and inflame certain music fans rather than any real love of music. At least that's the impression I got from his years at Spin. I guess that type of writing has it's uses, but it gets a bit ho-hum quickly because he would trot out the same 2 or 3 "incendiary" ideas in every single article.

I think he went on to write about music for Time magazine, and got all blandy-wandy since a time-warner-aol paycheck was involved.

Did not some meody maker journo slag a (IIRC) Bauhaus release, and the band then challenged him to a live "debate", which was billed as the "support act" at one of their shows. If memory serves well, the journo verbally battered the 'haus, so much so that THEIR OWN FANS LAUGHED AT THEM. Does this ring a bell w/anyone, or did I imagine it?

xoxo

Steve Sutherland it was, and if I remember right there's a snippet of that on "Party of the First Part," found on the BBC sessions disc. I would have loved to have seen that myself, though I hear that Bauhaus wasn't being that roundly abused by the crowd. ;-)

I assume the Pinefox is referring to the interview Owen did, I think in MM, in September '86 where Morrissey first said that to get on TOTP you had to be, by law, black (was there ever a 1986 Pops where the majority of the acts were black? I doubt it). Actually the "explanations" of "Panic" are the least interesting part of the interview, which contains some great Moz quotes and both poignant and hilarious recollections of Manchester. From memory (I don't have it to hand right now) he seemed to have no grudge against Moz, so there's no need to hate Owen, DG.

Other Morley lines: "Duran Dream", "Duran Smile".

Actually by trolling I meant using a false name, which in fact on saturday in the sky i learnt it did not mean. Can any of you youngsters help me programme my video... etc etc [cue jokes abt mark s being immensely old and out of touch]

Robin: I do think that Frank Owen did have a grudge against Morrissey. I am not basing this on the interview in question, but on the basis of him bringing up Morrissey in some form or another in every article he did for spin magazine, usually on the basis that he wasn't culturally relevant anymore with the advent of dance and rap (this was in the late 80s). For ex. he did an interview with Mike Tyson where he asked him about Morrissey -- Mike replied he had never heard of Morrissey. Frank Owen: Aha! Morrissey isn't relevant to the kids anymore because Mike Tyson has never heard of him. It just seemed like an axe to grind to continue to bring him up like that in every piece he wrote.

Be very, very thankful that you never read "Our Noise", Ned. I started, and about 50 pages in I realized that I had never, in my life, done anything so despicable to have deserved suffering through 50 pages of gratuitous namechecking and failed cool-brokering. The Bruno piece was great, but that's also because it was very short. One of the very few books I've ever hurled across a room in disgust.

This topic is owned by Neil Kulkarni's demolition review of that Ned's Atomic Dustbin album somewhere in i dunno 94? In Melody Maker of course. Somewhere in the archieves in some thread about MM someone put a link to it (or even copied it) if I remember correctly. Anyway, we didn't hear much of Ned's ADB after that one.

And, to think, Gomez wrote a SEQUEL! _Geniuses of Crack_ - which, fittingly, was given a roasting by the woman (Jenny Toomey) whose band (Tsunami) wrote the song that gave said book its title. Her review isn't as scathing or drop-dead hilarious as Franklin's, but it's concise and direct and makes some very good points. I'm kinda hoping Gomez writes a 3rd book, so maybe another musician/critic can have a go - he seems to inspire some excellent criticism.

FYI: Frank Owen is actually currently a staff writer at the Village Voice. He contributed a piece to the cover package on the death of NYC nightlife the other week: http://villagevoice.com/issues/0128/owen.shtml

Pinefox - and their second.

Do the Primitives have the Pinefox seal of approval? (A sort of songwriters' kite mark?)

Did the Primitives actually exist? I thought they might have been a bad nightmare I once had. Oh man.

'People like Bruce Springsteen are slowly boring music to death' - MM, 90s (not me, but from my sister's boyfriend)

Well you apparently liked them at the time!

Yeah, Jerry -- the Lazy 86-88 compilation specifically mentions a rave review from you. ;-)

Actually it was me who copied the Kulkarni / Neds review, Omar. A masterpiece in the art of casual destruction of someone's reputation.

"play with his Holly Hobby easybake oven"

I felt this phrase in Nicole's Durst put-down should have its own post, as it actually towers over some of the things that have been raved at on this thread.

This Neds/Kulkarni thing is ridiculous :

1) Too easy target - not worth the effort. Anyone with any sense/taste knew they were of no consequence to start with.

2) Presumably Kulkarni's piece made no/little difference to any of their fans who actually read it, except for inspiring hatred of Kulkarni.

3) Therefore a waste of Kulkarni's time.

I don't agree Dr.Killjoy, it didn't really matter who was the target could've been Ned's/Weller/Ocean Colour Scene/whoever, it's the writing itself, the template of destruction, the sheer poetry that counts. But on other hand Kulkarni had a tendecy to kill a fly with an atom-bomb didn't he?

Agree that the writing itself can be fun, but it's only deserving of respect if the target is a bigger fish than the hapless Neds, and/or can give some back to the journo too.

Greil Marcus had a line about Limp Bizkit that goes something like...

'Limp Bizkit will be playing a show in support of Napster for free -- a bargain at twice the price.'

2 x 0 = 0. Ho!

YOU SUCK!

Some boy band a couple of years back got this review for their album:

It's so funny! From the moment I put this CD into my player until the moment I took it out I couldn't stop laughing!

One day I might even get around to listening to it...