Things that can always be relied on to happen at gigs

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Captain Tall and the six-foot-six club park themselves right in front of you minutes before the band come on stage.

Only two people employed behind the bar (for packed gigs, read 'one person')

― Kim Tortoise, Monday, 9 June 2003 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Someone drops full cup of beer near you, splattering it all over you (I committed this very crime all over JG "Foetus" Thirlwell at a Firewater show some time ago).

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 9 June 2003 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

feet will get trodden on, even if you are at the back away from everyone.

you will see someone who you kinda know but do not know there name so you will have to do the embaressed eye catching nod.

― james (james), Monday, 9 June 2003 14:52 (twenty-two years ago)

oh and after you have had a bit to drink the £5 band tee's outside always seem more appealing than usual

― james (james), Monday, 9 June 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

(as a performer...)
Someone will (drunkenly) request a song you have neither the knowledge nor the desire to perform.

(as an audience member...)
You will smell marijuana.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 9 June 2003 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Someone in the crowd will noisily request songs from the cannon of the lead singer's former band, a band whom he is desperately trying to move on from.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:01 (twenty-two years ago)

There's a 20 minute minimum queue for the toilets, of which one is blocked and overflowing, one appears to have been permananently squatted and none of the remainder have seats or contain any paper.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Most people will be standing on their tiptoes with their hands in their pockets, and some will pretend to "dance" in this position

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

When you do eventually get to the bar they're out of either whatever it was you were drinking the last couple of times or what one of your mates (who you were supposed to buying a drink for but has who has now disappeared) wanted.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

You'll smoke far too many cigarettes to alleviate your embarassment as you watch the lame support band try to woo an unimpressed crowd..

― Jacob (Jacob), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

You notice the audience is older than you imagined it to be.

― Siegbran (eofor), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:17 (twenty-two years ago)

(as performer) - chronically arsey staff try and hustle you on as early as possible

(as spectator) - chronically arsey staff try and hustle you out as early as possible

― dave q, Monday, 9 June 2003 15:18 (twenty-two years ago)

(for gig goers over 35 years old) You notice the audience is YOUNGER than you imagined it to be.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:20 (twenty-two years ago)

"on as early as possible" = 1 1/2 hours late

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Your capacity for cool will be seriously undermined by the presence of a large group of male engineering students in Deacon Blue T-Shirts singing along faithfully to every word of your favourite artist's songs.

― Kim Tortoise, Monday, 9 June 2003 15:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Someone will have gone right to the front despite obviously not being built to withstand being at the front and will need to be pulled out by Security.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

there will be a fat old bloke with a beard at the back, nodding his head

― Robin Goad (rgoad), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:26 (twenty-two years ago)

You're having a great time in the pit, and wonder why you get angry stares from the stiffs on the side.

― Siegbran (eofor), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Upon entering and leaving the venue you will have an absolute minimum of 5 flyers thrust into your hands.

None of these will be about anything that you are remeotely likely to be interested in but weren't previously aware of.

Everyone in the audience will try to leave at exactly the same time - although approximately 50% will be anxious and pushing to get out quickly and urgently whilst the other 50% will be content to dawdle aimlessly (stopping to do up their shoe-laces / compose and send text messages / read the posters on the wall for events which took place 3 months ago) thus creating a total log jam.

The Management of the venue, in clear defiance of all logic and reason, will chose this moment to close one or more doors or erect barriers otherwise restrict and prevent people from leaving.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:34 (twenty-two years ago)

"there will be a fat old bloke with a beard at the back, nodding his head"

Darned right - us fat old blokes with beards operate a rota system to ensure that at least one of us is in attendance nodding their head at all gigs.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Some chick with a shrill voice will stand behind me, light a cigarette and begin to talk about what an asshole her boss is.

The opening act will suck.

If it's a Tuesday, the band will take the stage at 12:45.

The band will play a 25-minute version of the slowest song anyone's ever heard.

Some dick in a retro-ironic T-shirt will request Freebird.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:50 (twenty-two years ago)

There will be nondescript/entirely inappropriate music being played on the PA. Every time one of the songs ends, enthusiastic younger people will begin to cheer, thinking that this means the band is about to come on. Another song will start. When it ends they will begin to cheer again.

The crowd will shout for an encore. The band will come on for an encore and everyone will pretend it is spontaneous and not a stupid-ass farce ritual.

― Ferg (Ferg), Monday, 9 June 2003 15:52 (twenty-two years ago)

band will pause at least 3 or 4 times between songs to

a) futz
b) mumble
c) open beer ostentatiously
d) tune
e) etc

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 9 June 2003 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Band member has to restring something; other member tells funny annecdotal story.

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Monday, 9 June 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

A screw will fall out of my glasses, and eventually, I will find it. This has happened at a concert at least twice to me, including a suffocatingly crowded Smashing Pumpkins concert circa Siamese Dream. It's a talent.

Also guaranteed: sheer unadultered boredom as band sets up gear/band breaks down gear.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Monday, 9 June 2003 16:48 (twenty-two years ago)

DJ from radio station that NEVER even recognizes band's existence will come on out, intro band, and get booed.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Monday, 9 June 2003 16:50 (twenty-two years ago)

NYC, circa '95: Evan Dando will be a fucking dick.

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Monday, 9 June 2003 16:51 (twenty-two years ago)

defn of "non-anecdotal story" req'd, pls!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 9 June 2003 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Some dick in a retro-ironic T-shirt will request Freebird.
and if the lead singer of the band is in a retro-ironic t-shirt, he will oblige retro-ironic audience asshole by, indeed, playing the world's worst rendition of "Freebird" imaginable.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Some dick in a retro-ironic T-shirt will request Freebird. and if the lead singer of the band is in a retro-ironic t-shirt, he will oblige retro-ironic audience asshole by, indeed, playing the world's worst rendition of "Freebird" imaginable.

see also me and "SLAYER!!!!!!" @ Dianogah, Spring 2002. :/

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

best thing abt Southpaw in Brooklyn = the curtain in front of the stage. crowd is still bored silly by dumb "warm-up" sounds emanating from speakers but is thankfully spared the aforementioned de rigeur setup/breakdown "skits" that bookend the actual performance

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Three girls and one guy will take turns jumping onstage to take close-up pictures of the band because, of course, there is a major shortage of live close-up photographs of bands.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:24 (twenty-two years ago)

People signigicantly {older,younger} {give you dirty looks,make a nasty comment} to stop you from {dancing,pogoing} to the {obscure opening band they're too lame to like, the legendary act that they've come to see some pop punk band open for}.

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:29 (twenty-two years ago)

someone will say something well-intentioned but ignorant about the American president.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:31 (twenty-two years ago)

some frontman for a band composed entirely of middle-class white males will make a comment about taking down the system of middle-class white males in Parliament (even though our official head of state is an asian woman).

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

If it's brought to you by the folks at ____, the guy at the door will puff out his chest as he checks your ID. But you don't even care about presenting an ID because all of their beer sucks anyway.

― dave225 (Dave225), Monday, 9 June 2003 17:52 (twenty-two years ago)

some dude that dances like he has epilepsy alwasy decides to stand right next to you

― JasonD (JasonD), Monday, 9 June 2003 18:25 (twenty-two years ago)

alwasy = always

― JasonD (JasonD), Monday, 9 June 2003 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

the beloved early/rare song you heard they've been playing on this tour doesn't get played.

you finally notice an X on the hand of the girl you've been spying all nite and realize you're a creep!

― Aaron A., Monday, 9 June 2003 18:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I leave early.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 9 June 2003 18:57 (twenty-two years ago)

even though our official head of state is an asian woman.
Offical head of state is an old woman in England, her representitive figurehead is a little old Asian woman who finally married her long time common law would be philosopher in order to get that gig.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 9 June 2003 19:01 (twenty-two years ago)

There will be feedback during the one of the first two songs.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 9 June 2003 19:02 (twenty-two years ago)

A little more guitar in the drums will be requested.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 9 June 2003 19:03 (twenty-two years ago)

if it is a hardcore band, the vocals will be nearly inaudible or not sound nearly as good as the record.

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Monday, 9 June 2003 19:06 (twenty-two years ago)

The Gov-Gen signs the bills & makes 'em laws, her official duties are to govern as head of state in the Queen's absence.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Monday, 9 June 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

The gone drunken leaner with lit cigarette in mouth is coming your way and the big burly guy getting down to the music a bit too much is getting ready to launch him towards you like a Marlboro missile.

You hope your face is spared as your holding both beers in both hands because a friend is either a.) making a move b.) flailing c.) gone to the head or d.) dissapeared outside to admire greenery.

― earlnash, Monday, 9 June 2003 19:10 (twenty-two years ago)

the guy next to you will be taking a piss into his empty beer bottle.
(a taper with a thirst)

― kephm, Monday, 9 June 2003 19:18 (twenty-two years ago)

someone will say something well-intentioned but ignorant about the American president.
Someone will offer inappropriate praise for our current (p)resident. (Country and Western Concerts only.)

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Monday, 9 June 2003 19:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Captain Tall and the six-foot-six club park themselves right in front of you minutes before the band come on stage.

If it's any consolation, I'm almost six-three and someone taller than me almost always comes and stands right in front of me, too.

― Lee G (Lee G), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 02:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, Lee...it's a universal constant. If Shaquille O' Neill came in wearing stilts, he would still end up looking at the back of some gangly ninnies head.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 02:38 (twenty-two years ago)

The singer will make the appropriate pointing/thumbs up motions to signal that he/she desires more vocal in the monitor.

If you are in New Orleans: someone in the band would like to introduce you to their buddy, "Philip...Philip the Bucket!"
(fillupthebucket DO YOU SEE?!?!?!)

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 03:32 (twenty-two years ago)

No matter where I stand, I seem to be in the "corridoor" where the crowd moves back and forth between the band/bar/toilets/back of room, resulting in me being bumped into/trodden on all gig.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 04:57 (twenty-two years ago)

If you're taping the gig, someone will come up to you and shout ARE YOU TAPING THIS????!! into the walkman.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 04:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Various oikish males will bellow along in inappropriately oikish voices to the most beautiful songs of the band's repertoire and drown the singer's voice - cf any New Order gig I've ever been to.

― darren (darren), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 06:39 (twenty-two years ago)

I will feel invisible as people shove past me to get to the front and ruin the vantage point I showed up early to stake out. Then they'll half-mumble "sorry" and I'll say "no you're not" in full voice (I mean they're not; these asshats do this at EVERY show and they'll do it 'til they die) and they'll pretend they didn't hear me and I'll spend the rest of the night glaring passive-aggressively at the back of their head.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 07:09 (twenty-two years ago)

(Etiquette question: Is it horribly cunty to say "excuse me, that was rude"? I almost feel like doing that is more assholish than whatever the other person did.)

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 07:12 (twenty-two years ago)

-Some hideous bloke will continually attempt to grab yer ass, pull yer ponytails, stare at your breasts under the guise of commenting on the band whose t-shirt you are wearing.

-a whole gaggle of annoying squealy girls will squeeze in front of you as if they are trying to force their way towards the stage and then STOP, forcing you to hold the uncomfortable position you assumed solely in order to let them through for the rest of the set

-Some fuckwit (usually a skinny model girl type) will light a cigarette and then hold it daintily at a right angle away from her hair so that the smoke doesn't go in her face, but goes in YOURS

At this point you wonder why you still go to gigs at all, and wish you'd stayed home listening to the CD instead. Sigh.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 08:24 (twenty-two years ago)

hence why i avoid gigs of popular (>500 in the audience) bands. the show is rarely good enough to justify the effort in putting up with the audience.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 08:50 (twenty-two years ago)

"Some hideous bloke will continually attempt to grab yer ass, pull yer ponytails, stare at your breasts under the guise of commenting on the band whose t-shirt you are wearing."

Yeah, I hate it when that happens to me too.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 08:53 (twenty-two years ago)

hence why i avoid gigs of popular (>500 in the audience) bands. the show is rarely good enough to justify the effort in putting up with the audience.

Or indeed *any* show at the Barfly.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 08:55 (twenty-two years ago)

as a young 'un, it was squashed and bleeding toes. even with ten-ups dammit.

for the goods to rarely live up to the hype

*cough, cough, Jet, cough, cough*

― Chris Radford (Chris Radford), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 09:30 (twenty-two years ago)

HSA just won't go to gigs any more, because he can't believe the way that venues and promoters treat the punters - i.e. how terrible the sound is, how dank the venues are, how expensive and not-nice the drinks are, yadda yadda.

Mind you, he's spoiled, cause in the art world blah blah blah, there's *always* free wine and sometimes even food at the openings, and yadda yadda when he played the Hayward Gallery they brought in a job lot of sub-bass woofers so he could get just the appropriate amount of HUMMMM for his electric mains resonance, etc. etc. and they're so much nicer to punters at art galleries, why would *anyone* want to go to a rock show any more is beyond him.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 09:34 (twenty-two years ago)

You see movement at the side of the stage, it's the band, oh wait, it's that flipping roadie again.

― Kim Tortoise, Tuesday, 10 June 2003 09:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Esp if it's a hip hop gig and you (a female) are alone: someone approaches you and says (in a slightly hysterical way) YOU LIKE HIP HOP MUSIC.... you're.... (long pause) alone.

― nathalie (nathalie), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Nat, I think that can be any female at any non-mainstream - i.e. not pop and not trendy gig. You want to be stared at, you be a female, by yourself, down the front of an Experimental Audio Research gig.

Sigh.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:15 (twenty-two years ago)

I dunno, only hapened at hip hop gigs. One more plus for being in a relationship: you are left alone while you grumble between your teeth "No, I am not here because my boyfriend likes the band." hah

― nathalie (nathalie), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Usually the boyfriend has been dragged under false pretenses and is bitching about the sound quality and lack of sub-bass and mumbling about wanting to be at home while I am happily bopping...

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:20 (twenty-two years ago)

i rather shamefully missed an E.A.R gig cos i couldn't persuade anyone to go with me

― leigh (leigh), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:36 (twenty-two years ago)

It's funny cause I've never really felt that way. I've got so used to going to gigs by myself that it seems weird sometimes, going with other people.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:43 (twenty-two years ago)

spectator: i will be the only person dancing.
performer: creepy drunk guys will come up afterwards and comment on how they liked your music and then they will tell you they thought you looked hot in whatever you were wearing, subsequently you leave feeling really angry. if you're a chick doing something cool someone always has to put you in your place for it - your place being on a meathook at southkill.

― di smith (lucylurex), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:52 (twenty-two years ago)

see also: Live reviews where the (male) reviewer spends ten paragraphs describing what you look like, and what you were wearing, and one paragraph describing your music.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:54 (twenty-two years ago)

i go to loads of gigs by myself so i don't know what stopped me that time

― leigh (leigh), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:54 (twenty-two years ago)

The thought of experimental music geeks staring at your breasts because you happen to be wearing an "every t-shirt needs a synthi" shirt. ;-)

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 10:58 (twenty-two years ago)

(as an audience member...)
I will attempt to talk to a girl. She will snub me.

(as a performer...)
We rip-roar through our set. We get done and tear down. I will attempt to talk to a girl. She will snub me.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:09 (twenty-two years ago)

at a noise show:
people will stare at performers and clap awkwardly upon completion of set
if performance has breaks in it, people will not be sure if they should clap

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:14 (twenty-two years ago)

When I used to go to indie gigs in London several years ago:
There would always be two japanese girls down the front.

Shows I go to in Austin now:
There will always be two people with faces illuminated by camcorder screens as they record it all.

― rw, Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:24 (twenty-two years ago)

yea, providence shows = 30 nerds with minidisc recorders and ftp/hotline sites for euro/japan noise people to listen to

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:26 (twenty-two years ago)

It's those SAME TWO JAPANESE GIRLS at every damned gig!

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:29 (twenty-two years ago)

When ranom arty band lapses into fifteen minutes of purposeful, intentionally discordant, shapeless, feedback-drenched squall, two or three self-conscious hepcats will insist on "dancing" to imply that they "get it." After eight minutes or so, said hepcats too will stop, wait, and feel like duped chumps. At this point, band will lock back into some semblance of recognizable song structure.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:41 (twenty-two years ago)

When at dronerock show:

Band will end the set by errupting into feedback squall, then prop their guitars up against their amps, still squealing feedback, and walk offstage like this is the most original thing any band has ever done ever.

Band will then look like knobs when they have to walk back ONTO the stage to turn their amps off. They'll look like even bigger knobs if the soundman or the next band have to do it FOR them.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:44 (twenty-two years ago)

If they rip out the fuseboxes and proceed to invoke Satan while doing so, then they're getting somewhere (but are still probably not really original).

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:47 (twenty-two years ago)

And even bigger knobs yet if they are the first of four or five bands who proceed to do EXACTLY THE SAME THING!!! (Yes, I have been to a show where they did precisely that.)

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Even my cliches are already cliches!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I meant my post, not yours, Ned. I've never actually seen anyone do what you describe.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:57 (twenty-two years ago)

*Causal fans will applaud at the fake ending and ruin it.
*People will try to sing along who don't know the words. (Recalling R.E.M.'s Hyaena.)
*A fat guy will come and stand in that small space right in front of me. (I will then decide to use that space intermittently for activities such as: quickly extending my arms & pouring out warm beer.)

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 13:59 (twenty-two years ago)

large hardcore shows = someone lights up a joint and 30 straightedge kids quickly cover their mouths with hankies

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Causal fans = Casual fans that cause me to be pissed.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I will be dancing and bump into a girl who will look at me like I just molested her.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Wherever you position yourself, one of the band will be completely unsighted, leading to post-gig 'I thought I heard a trumpet' conversation.

― Kim Tortoise, Tuesday, 10 June 2003 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Someone will loudly discuss trivia related to artist in rockist pissing contest.

(Might be me)

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 01:19 (twenty-two years ago)

every gig i go to there is some hideous couple making out and dry-humping each other right next to me.

― keith (keithmcl), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 03:33 (twenty-two years ago)

When at Great White show - lose my lighter but find out I don't need one

― dave q, Wednesday, 11 June 2003 07:37 (twenty-two years ago)

If in London - Rat Tail Jim will be down the front, taking photos of every semi-attractive female in the band from vaguely unflattering angles.

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 08:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Bands who are unacquainted with the charts (or possibly even sales) announce song as 'our hit single' in ironic manner.

― Kim Tortoise, Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:40 (twenty-two years ago)

But... but... but... we had a hit single in Canada! We DID!!! Our EP charted higher than Godspeed You Black Emperor! And Radiohead!

Ask Mr. Noodles! He will back me up!

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.thelollies.co.uk/images/earshot.gif

Though I don't understand why we didn't get a Cancon star. I feel chizzed.

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Is saying that you had a hit single in Canada the indie equivalent of saying you have a girlfriend in Canada?

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:44 (twenty-two years ago)

In what universe does Tabla Beat Science make the charts?

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:46 (twenty-two years ago)

In the Canadian college radio universe, obviously!

― kate (kate), Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:51 (twenty-two years ago)

If the Squirrel Nut Zippers announced 'This is from our top ten album' I'm sure there'd be a bit of heckling!!!!!

― Kim Tortoise, Wednesday, 11 June 2003 10:57 (twenty-two years ago)

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