Stock Defense: dance music is unoriginal/tuneless/fake

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I need a stock argument/soundbites/lines to take against the office bore who thinks "dance music" is boring/sounds like a doorbell ringing/unoriginal (they only use other peoples music)/fake (much easier using a keyboard than playing a proper instrument!) and so on.

Tell him why he's wrong.

― dale, Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:38 (twenty-two years ago)

"Stop harshing my buzz" usually works.

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

"fuck you"

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:43 (twenty-two years ago)

for boring say 'thats just pure preference, you might as well say all melodic rock is boring'

sounds like a doorbell ringing = why is this a problem? refer him to great dub tracks that used this effect also

unoriginal = sampling was a reasonably inventive concept and many artists have utilised it in novel ways - see all hip hop, DJ Shadow, Cassette Boy, late 80s italo-house, Norman Cook etc. - as a last resort say if anything sampling has become useful in introducing people to the original tracks themselves

fake/much easier using a keyboard = punch him in the face

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Replace the coffee creamer with MDMA powder.

― Siegbran (eofor), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:45 (twenty-two years ago)

More helpfully just make sure you're not arguing on his terms - don't bother 'justifying' dance music in rock terms, for instance.

Or just slag off what he likes. "It's boring, too slow, out-of-date with limited sounds and you can't even mix it!"

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:46 (twenty-two years ago)

siegbran wins

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Taunt him mercilessly for hating fun.

― Andy K (Andy K), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Re: the skills issue: ask him how many of his favourite artists do the production, mix & mastering of their own records.

― Siegbran (eofor), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

His killer line: "i like all sorts of music, from bluegrass to ska to prog rock." Sheer genius.

― dale, Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:54 (twenty-two years ago)

tell him about the time you had a threesome with twin raver girls.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:57 (twenty-two years ago)

horace 'wins'.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 13:58 (twenty-two years ago)

send him a memo that just says PLUR! in ASCII format

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Get Carl Cox to DJ the office Christmas party. Then you could have something like that one episode of "The A-Team" when the Culture Club played at a cowboy bar and were being booed at the beginning of the song but cheered at the end as all the cowboys gradually came to realize that they really like the Culture Club.

― Tom Breihan (Tom Breihan), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Or, easier, raverporn.net.

― Tom Breihan (Tom Breihan), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:01 (twenty-two years ago)

99.9999999999999999999999% of all music is unoriginal/tuneless/fake

― Dadaismus (Dada), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I apologise for the scattered nature of this post. I'm in a rough emotional state.

My friend and I were having an interesting conversation about this last night.

We were listening to some Farben tracks (minimalist glitch-house) and considering the shift in listening habits we'd both undergone over the past ten years. He used to listen to largely classical music, whilst I used to predominantly listen to metal and pop. We were discussing what it would be like for someone who exclusively listened to classical music to suddenly hear this house stuff, and we realised that if one were listening to house as one listens to classical music, obviously you're going to get really fucking bored. I mean, where is the development of theme? Counterpoint? Harmony? "All I hear is this repetitive beat."

Meanwhile, my friend and I are sitting there really getting into this loop which has only very slightly changed over the past 3 minutes. We are transfixed by the texture of it. We're examining every nuance of the sound, and at the same time kind-of chairdancing as the rhythm takes over us. What would it be like to listen to classical music from this reference point? A bit fucking bizarre. All these harsh and samey orchestral instruments, warbling on the same way they've been for a hundred years.

The same could be said for the sound of a guitar or drum kit.

Anyone who immediately discounts dance or electronic music simply because it's electronic is a simpleton and a bigot. Appreciating such drastically different types of music requires adaptability, patience, and above all else an open mind.

One argument I used against someone (who expoused a viewpoint similiar to your friend) when I was something like:

Me: Do you agree Mozart was a brilliant musical mind? (nb: I'm not so sure this is true, but it works.)
Them: Yeah, of course.
Me: Do any recordings of Mozart playing actual instruments exist?
Them: No.
Me: So he's famous for his compositional ability, rather than his instrumental virtuosity, right?
Them: Yeah...
Me: So what does it matter if a composer (of electronica, for example) doesn't play ANY instrument?
Them: I'm an idiot.

Or at least that's how it's supposed to go.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Also, anyone who says "you can't mix it" isn't trying hard enough.

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

2ManyDJ's to thread!

― Siegbran (eofor), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 14:09 (twenty-two years ago)

tell him those qualities are exactly what you like about it

― Snowy Mann (rdmanston), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 15:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Andrew, all good points.... However, that also means that my washing machine is a fucking work of art.

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 16:00 (twenty-two years ago)

dance music is a triumph of engineering

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 16:03 (twenty-two years ago)

take a dump in his desk drawer

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Thus linking neatly with the mdma and twin raver girls arguments...

― Jacob (Jacob), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

dance music is a triumph of FUN!

― Siegbran (eofor), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Or, easier, raverporn.net.

Cough. Its at eroticbpm.com now. Not that I have a membership or anything. COUGH.

― Xii (Xii), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 17:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Tell him that if Jimi Hendrix were alive today, he'd be making Eurotrance records, then stand back and watch the fireworks

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

then assert that Jimi Hendrix actually is alive only he spent all his money on plastic surgery and he now goes by the name "Sasha"

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 19:58 (twenty-two years ago)

tell him there's no reason why music shouldn't be repetetive, it's an age old thing etc, and the repetition is used to enhance the influence of the sounds being repeated.

then tell him to go eat a dick

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 20:01 (twenty-two years ago)

BAG of dicks

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 20:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Tell him that music that isn't extremely repetitive brings you out in a rash.

Tell him melody is in poor taste.

Tell him you learned to appreciate the beauty of repetitive events by watching sunsets.

Tell him you are instinctively drawn to music people like him don't like in the hope it will make you cooler.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Bag of CRUNCHY dicks.

― Cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 20:59 (twenty-two years ago)

Rock and roll is a symbol of a certain domineering bourgeois and industrial society that has to be destroyed. Used as this society uses it, Rock and Roll is an arrogant instrument that excludes all those who know about music.

The concert is dead, long live music.

― Francois-Rene Duchable (mjt), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 21:04 (twenty-two years ago)

start calling him "geir" all the time, with consistency, to his face, and watch the humorous miscomprehension just pile up

― jess (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 21:05 (twenty-two years ago)

put him in stocks

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 21:12 (twenty-two years ago)

bag of crunchy DONKEY dicks

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 21:19 (twenty-two years ago)

the dicks thing is sounding more like a reward with every embellishment

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 21:45 (twenty-two years ago)

haha yes with garlic ranch dressing!

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

a FESTERING bag of crunchy donkey dicks

Not so rewarding now, eh mark?

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 22:09 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm not planning on eating the BAG you mentalist

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 22:17 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.phys.uu.nl/~hettinga/data/smilie_tanz.gif http://www.phys.uu.nl/~hettinga/data/smilie_tanz.gif http://www.phys.uu.nl/~hettinga/data/smilie_tanz.gif http://www.phys.uu.nl/~hettinga/data/smilie_tanz.gif http://www.phys.uu.nl/~hettinga/data/smilie_tanz.gif

― Siegbran (eofor), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 22:31 (twenty-two years ago)

& when the stock efence doesn't work step up to the waterman defence

― duane, Thursday, 10 July 2003 05:57 (twenty-two years ago)

if you put on the king britte remix of contemplation by josh one, those guys dance perfectly to it. it's almost scary.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 10 July 2003 06:54 (twenty-two years ago)

GIFBPM

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 10 July 2003 06:59 (twenty-two years ago)

a festering bag of SUPPURATING crunchy donkey dicks

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 10 July 2003 12:43 (twenty-two years ago)

bulging tattered sheepskin rucksack full of necrotically-ripe, syphilis-infected donkey schwantzen coated with oozing purple chancres and a faint hint of a shallot and braised shiitake mushroom marinade.

and if *thats* not a mouthful and a half, I don't know what is.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Thursday, 10 July 2003 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

there used to be like a 20 person punk band 'round these parts called "eat a bag of dicks"

― Felcher (Felcher), Thursday, 10 July 2003 18:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Give up and start listening to nothing but Pachelbel and GWAR

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Thursday, 10 July 2003 18:32 (twenty-two years ago)

if you're listening to dance music expecting to find the same things you like about rock music (or progressive bluegrass,goa skiffle,or whatever your man likes) you're obviously going to be disappointed

and at the risk of being too obvious,you need to dance to it

i explained my liking techno to my parents (who made the obvious points about it being repetitive,blahblah) by comparing it to abstract art,which might be "all the same" or whatever,but its about the subtle shading,differences gradually emerging,etcetc

loads of painting might look similar,but if they all look nice what does it matter,its just a question of looking at them and thinking "that looks nice" rather than "i could do that"

― robin (robin), Thursday, 10 July 2003 19:55 (twenty-two years ago)

http://saucyjack.phys.columbia.edu/sjk/catalog/rothko_greenonblue.jpg

― robin (robin), Thursday, 10 July 2003 19:56 (twenty-two years ago)

i can't believe it's that easy to post images
i've never bothered before...

― robin (robin), Thursday, 10 July 2003 19:57 (twenty-two years ago)

and if *thats* not a mouthful and a half, I don't know what is.

Best Freudian slip ever.

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Thursday, 10 July 2003 20:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Give up and start listening to nothing but Pachelbel and GWAR
Yeah...like these are two seperate things.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Friday, 11 July 2003 03:28 (twenty-two years ago)

and if *thats* not a mouthful and a half, I don't know what is.
I was hoping someone would notice and add to it...but you're the only one, J0hn. The prize was a packet of cookies. Unfortunately, it was stored in the sheepskin rucksack. Do you still want them. They still look fresh.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Friday, 11 July 2003 03:30 (twenty-two years ago)

soggy biscuit!

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 11 July 2003 03:36 (twenty-two years ago)

and at the risk of being too obvious,you need to dance to it

No, you don't. Dance music has to be the most useless genre name ever.

― oops (Oops), Friday, 11 July 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

How true! The only rock music I've ever liked was dance music. Which happens to be all rock music between 1949 and 1967, and a good deal of it afterwards too.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Friday, 11 July 2003 05:29 (twenty-two years ago)

the fact that you can dance to types of music other than the type of music categorized as "dance" doesn't negate my suggestion that this type of music is best enjoyed while dancing

― robin (robin), Friday, 11 July 2003 07:33 (twenty-two years ago)

but if you like to dance then almost any music is 'best enjoyed while dancing'

― oops (Oops), Friday, 11 July 2003 07:56 (twenty-two years ago)

music needs Surgeons General Warning stickers like those on prescription meds.
Warning: May Cause Dizzy Gillespie. Do not Operate Heavy Metal while under the influence.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Friday, 11 July 2003 11:07 (twenty-two years ago)

but if you like to dance then almost any music is 'best enjoyed while dancing'

This is probably the truest thing I've ever seen on ILM.

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 11 July 2003 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

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