A real classified ad I saw the other day [the most horrific musician ad I have ever seen]

(x-post HA! Horace you dog you!)

for band with gigs, some industry leads and ready to rolll. Bass/sing/song & Guitar/sing/song seeking drummer to reform semi established Hard Rock/Rock N Roll band. Looking to re-record. Into all classic rock band, hard and rock n roll. from zepp, beatles, aero, kiss to aic, stp and evrything in the middle. Not looking to waste time, no egos, dramas, flacks, imaturity. Have some paid gigs, a following, major label connections and looking to do it all and do it right asap! We're in 20's and Looking for those who understands the commitment and dedication it take to maintain a band and manifest the objectives.

I'm not sure whether I should be interested or appalled.

Average drummer... [1. "I Admit I'm mediocre."]
...looking for pro band. [2. "Hopefully your brilliance will cover up my inadequacies."]
The setup will be... [3. "I am a powermad lunatic..."]
...two guitarists, vocals, and a solid bass. [4. "...with no imagination. ie. lets form a band thats indistinguishable from the 4,999,999 other band out there."]
I have a sweet studio in my house... [5. "I own a boombox that has a 'record' button on it."]
...that I'll charge the each member [6. "I am a greedy schyster. Fuck Elvis...Colonel Tom Parker is my hero"]
...per hour us of our practice. [7. Bad grammar]
We will be recording... [8. "And if you miss a note, I shall beat you with a stick..."]
...giggging and attracting major label interest within the year [9. "This is either optimism or delusions of granduer. I'm not sure which."]
...as our following grows. [10. "We might suck warm sick through a short straw, but these sheeple will buy anything. ie. we will sound like Creed."]
Please be serious musicians [11. "I prefer contientious slaves"]
(don't waste my time) [12. "This whole 'music thing' cuts into my valuable 'building obscene boats out of popsicle sticks' time. So lets make it snappy. I want to be rich and famous by...oh, yesterday.]
between the ages of 21 and 25, [13. "I wish to suck away the best years of your insignificant lives"]
have pro gear, [14. "Remember that 'studio' I was talking about. Well, it needs microphones...and a mixing desk...and soundproof panelling...and, um, er...wallls."]
pro attitude [15. "Well somebody has to be professional here."]
and reliable transportation. [16. "I have no drivers license"]
Influences include Mazzi Star, [17. "They're a local Hope Sandoval cover band."]
Tower for Power, Madonna, Wham and early Hendrix. [18. "I randomly chose names out of the 1991 RS Album Guide."]
Get ready to ROCK! [19. "I prefer polka, but if rock we must, I guess I'll trudge through this."]
Also, a plus if you're good looking... [20. "Stand in front of my drumkit, so as to block my horridness from the audience."]
...with strong stage presence. [21. "Stay awake while you sing."]

Official score: 21 errors.
Grade: D-

Are you talking about the Wham! ad or the Zeppelin one? The Wham! one was deleted the day after it was posted (it was posted last Friday), probably because a million people like yourself inundated his mailbox with witty assaults on his character. : )

You forgot that there aren't any drums in this setup. I think that makes it a sturdy F.

Re drummer seeks proficient musicians
Reply to: see below
Date: 2003-07-21, 6:32PM

You could possibly be the biggest moron walking the planet

or this...

RE:Drummer seeks proficient musicians
Reply to: see below
Date: 2003-07-21, 5:28PM

Hey how bout you come to my studio so I can make some quick cash?

"giggging"? Who knew Porky the Pig was a drummer?

I know - yet he isn't a part of the setup. I could see it if he said "I'm looking for...", and then listed the other guys, but he actually said the setup of the band would consist of everyone but a drummer.

The stuff he did with Little Richard and the Isley Brothers. You know, when he was "authentic."

GOTTA GET DOWN

I'M SO HIGH

ON LIVE

On this note, I played with some guys this weekend. They did not know the songs that I wanted to play, were not very good in
general and complained about having to pay. Sorry, this equipment didn't just get up and walk into my house. I'm bringin it,
please bring it!

death metal band seeks drummer
(must hate world)

Yeah, I really wonder what those songs might be.

JITTERBUG!! DUH DUH DUH JITTERBUG!

"DO YOU MAKE WEIRD SOUNDS? DRUMMER AND BASSIST SEEK SYNTH/KEYBOARDIST FOR something something GROUP something something phone numbers influences blah blah blah"

We were going to call them up and be all like "Yeah dude! I make all kinds of weird sounds! Like check this one out! NYEEER NA NYEER NYEEER NA NYEER NYOWR NYA NYEER NYOWR BWOOOOP!!! Or this one I came up with last week, like BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLLBBLBLBLBLLBLBLBLLLBLBLBLBLBLUHH, or check this out, OOTCHA OOTCHA OOTCHA OOTCHA OOTCHA OOTCHA OOTCHA OOM, like that right? Whadya think?" etc. for as long as we could hold a straight face. We ended up realizing we would never be able to pull it off and gave up.

SINGER WANTED
For serious electro/house productions. Female or male. Must have attitude and an excellent voice. German or U.S. accent is a plus. Influences - Chicks on Speed, Miss Kitten, The Hackers, Golden Boy and Felix the House Cat. Contact: shiftfunc@dform1shiftfunc.net

"Did you call before? There can't be more than one of you."

Please enlighten me.

I have to say that I'd never noticed it was 'Kittin' rather than 'Kitten' before however.

on another thread where it talks about records you have in more than one format... i have had great phone calls on LP,CS and CD (slightly different tracklistings on all 3).

Of course it's best for Oz bands to use their own accents.

Zervus--JS