The UK Top 20 Live-Esque

Time not being very kind to it, cos the lyrics just sound worse and worse… but what would Katie Griffiths of ballboy say?

Answer – nothing. She’d probably just titter in a slightly embarrassed fashion. She’s great.

Extremo. It’s emo, but EXTREME. Y’know, like Extreme Dinosaurs, or ‘More Than Words’ by Extreme. I don’t like it very much, as you might possibly have guessed. If Biffy Clyro were Welsh, they would sound like this. Actually, they already do. Do you remember My Vitriol? No? Well done.

Go away. You no fun anymore. Unlike Ollie from MBICR, possibly.

Here is James from MBICR.

I am unaware of his opinion of Wayne Wonder.

Wes doesn’t bother introducing this, just lets the intro float in, and it’s easily the greatest thing he’s ever done.

He then comes out of it by bigging up his fucking Busted competition yet again. They may have a record out. Or perhaps they just enjoy being on every television programme ever. Except ‘For Your Love’, obviously.

And so to complete the set, Emily Gray of MBICR.

Two notes:

1) we do not endorse the smoking;

2) We do not necessarily mean to imply that Beck is a ferret. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. I don’t actually like Beck, though. He does seem a bit of a tit.

I am not wrong.

MBICR wow it up live:

Not even gonna pretend that has the slightest thing to do with this. Maybe it does. I can't spot it though.

Not as good as the song of the same name by The Datsuns. Ballad. Dull. Bit of Spanish guitar, which may or may not have something to do with that.

This sounds like Chicane. But without Bryan Adams. For the first and possibly last time, that severely detracts from the appeal.

I have never knowingly spotted Busted on ‘Now Is The Time – Night Of Combat: Kickboxing’ either.

Obviously ripped off The Littlest Hobo (“Mehbee toomarraow ah’ll fahnd mah wehhhhh hurrm”). I am now imagining the Stereophonics being savaged by dogs. Big dogs. Alsatians, maybe. Or Dobermanns. Maybe both, actually. It’s a nice thought.

Here comes the top ten, with five new entries. Is Radio 1 and the BBC in general about to be subverted upside its head?

I must reiterate here:

Panjabi MC, he say, “No”:

I will write an article on this. It will be bluddy grate. It will not nick catchphrases from PopEx, because I’ve not played that in years and it was rubbish anyway. This is still top, to as great an extent as a song that’s at number nine can be top. Yeah. Isobel Campbell:

Return of the ultimate non-threatening boy. He wants to know if you’d like to go for a drink with him. He reckons that Pirates Of The Caribbean might be quite good. Johnny Depp is quite good in it, apparently. You tell him you aren’t interested, however, because he’s rubbish.

Does this constitute jumping the shark? Cos, y’know, they were quite pish in the first place. But now, they sound like Texas. Yeah, stuff all that, “Hey, we’re the new face of drum and bass!” booshidd, let’s make the music we want. Let’s boom it out of the Mondeo at an acceptable volume.

Dom reckons this song is shit. He proposes some jokes from the Biggest Pub Joke book in the world ever instead.

- The only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner is when the power goes off.
- What did God say after creating man? “Hmm, I can do better than that.”
- What does a ghost take for constipation? Spirit of figs.

More Isobel:

And more joke:

What did Julius Caesar say when he saw the elephants come down the hill?

“Plums are coming down the hill.” (He was colourblind).

£9.99 in all good bookshops. Or, more likely, The Works.

Is very, very, dull. He also would appear to not be a Civil War recreationist. Unlike a different Isobel Campbell to the one who used to be in Belle & Sebastian. She took this photo:

Robbie does sentimental ballad, spoofs Pop Idol in video, uses lots of brass in the manner of his big band covers album. Probably is a bit post-modern in the lyrics too. I don’t like this, no.

Ooh. That Diwali stuff again, isn’t it? And it’s very good. Drums and bass up high and lomping along lovely, she trills up the top, it’s all dead, dead niceness. And it’s beaten Robbie. Haaa.

This is my favourite number one in at least a month, ever since Evanescence left the top slot. Definitely one of the top three number ones of the year, if only on principle. See, the BBC and more or less everyone else was banking on Robbie at number one this week. Knebworth, Sara Cox never shutting up about him on her programme, and him just being generally every bloody where. They never mentioned this. This is not on the Radio 1 playlist. This was not mentioned on TOTP or TOTP Saturday as being a number one contender… or, in fact, existing.

HA!

Now, I hated Blu Cantrell’s previous chart hit, that being Hit Em Up Style. Her voice irks me. But this has Sean Paul on, and this bass bit with more bounce than a tumble dryer… and is generally fucking fantastic. And Wes is furious, and so is Scott Mills, and so are Colin and Edith and Coxy and Whiley and Bonnin and Cowey and Dave and Moyles… the UK’s number one, and Radio 1 completely missed it.

Katie is happy. Gordon is happy. Today, we are all winners, except Wes. Fantastic.

Did Dom really impugn the good name of the wonderful Imani Coppola? For shame.