The UK Top 40, 12/10/03

20) FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND – She Drove Me To Daytime Television (NEW ENTRY)

I hated At The Drive-In. Funeral For A Friend sound like At The Drive In but even worse, i.e. they sound like Biffy Clyro. Urgh. No.

19) ELTON JOHN – Are You Ready For Love?

This is actually a really good record. I have finally realised it, after however many weeks of it being in the chart (must be at least eleven), and I really like it. Perhaps it’s a flood of nostalgia prompted by Ultrabeat finally leaving the top 20, but hey. Yes. I like this now.

18) TRAVIS – Re-Offender

One week of this, however, and I really hate it. So, indeed, it goes.

17) ELVIS vs. OAKENFOLD – Rubberneckin’

I’ve always hated this one, though.

16) SCOOTER – Maria (I Like It Loud) (NEW ENTRY)

“SKIBADEE! SKIBADANGER! I AM THE REAL RANGER!” WHO IS BACK? SCOOTER IS BACK! And they sound EXACTLY the same as they’ve always done, straight outta 1992-techno beats with mad bloke doing the shouty-shout, but with helium voiced girls replaced for this single by ‘The Mixologist’, a large growly man who appears to have wound up there by accident, but Scooter have got him drunk and are starting some kind of unfortunate sing-along thing. This is easily the best single in this week’s chart, but then you knew that already.

15) AMY STUDT – Under The Thumb

Since when did the musical career of Toyah Willcox become an aspirational model for the young women of this country? Actually, no, they had one of Toyah’s singles on TOTP2 the other week, and it was miles better than this… oh dear. Can you play Scooter again, please?

14) SUEDE – Attitude (NEW ENTRY)

Righto – year of unanticipated career rebirths continues apace, as Suede decide they’re gonna sound a bit like Gary Numan. Brett Anderson’s voice is actually working properly again, the guitars are so creepy they should be doing voiceovers for daytime TV adverts… and it’s all surprisingly fantastic. Dear me. Next – Menswear…

13) BLU CANTRELL ft. SEAN PAUL – Breathe

Aw. Well, this is a decent enough substitute, I suppose. And this song itself is actually perilously close to qualifying for phenomenon status – it’s outlasted Ultrabeat, Elton, and, sweetest of all, Busted (HAHAHAHA FUCKFACES) in the top 20 (barring massive drop next week), and it doesn’t look like going anywhere anytime soon. It really is the new Ignition (Remix), isn’t it? Aces.

12) BLONDIE – Good Boys (NEW ENTRY)

Blimey. Three lovely tunes in a row (and it’s not like I was listening to that Studt bint, so let’s call it four) – when was the last time that happened? Yeah, it was probably last week, true, but anyway – Blondie have decided to sound a little like Saint Etienne. Debbie Harry’s voice has been effectualised up so it sounds just like Sarah Cracknell, and the backing is all very disco-punked up, and this song is so, so much better than it has any right to be. I am perching perilously on the edge of a good mood…

11) BIG BROVAZ – Baby Boy

So yes, this song’s arrival was a bit inevitable,really.

And it’s the top ten! Please, please let someone have taken the Black Eyed Peas off number one. Or I will not be pleased…

10) FAST FOOD ROCKERS – Say Cheese! (Smile Please) (NEW ENTRY)

Now, imagine if Scooter were British, didn’t have the shouting bloke, and were just generally like Ian Van Dahl but even worse. Some kind of horrific Logan’s Run command to “SMILE PLEASE!” yelled by perma-beaming perma-tanned perma-shites, possibly all in the name of irony. After all, Iain Lee’s ironic, and I can’t stand him neither.

9) TEXAS ft. KARDINAL OFFISHAL – Carnival Girl (NEW ENTRY)

Right, so obviously BEP are gonna be number one again. Spiteri sounds half-dead as she drones “join the carnival of luuuhhv” on a single that sounds more or less exactly the same as every other mid-tempo Texas single since the mid-90’s. The Kardinal gets buried under layers of dreary Dulux mixing but doesn’t really have anything to do in any case… it’s very, very shite, yes.

8) S CLUB 8 – Sundown

Whew. Thank Christ for this one, then… nice bit of the old disco reviving, as opposed to the FFR’s attempt at suffocating it with a big evil pillow.

7) THE STROKES – 12:51 (NEW ENTRY)

And now here’s more toss. Trying to make songs that sound like the theme to some imagined BBC Schools physics programme from the 1970’s is not a bad idea. Till you put Julian Casablancas’ bloody voice all over it, which makes you realise just how flat and dull and tired and craaaaaap it all is. Oh dear.

6) DIDO – White Flag

Is also boring.

5) THE DARKNESS – I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Right – thing about the Darkness – they’re not as good as Evanescence, because the Darkness try to be funny. But not yet have they come up with anything as brilliant as the following:

- Amy Lee proclaiming “This week it’s not Top Of The Pops, it’s Top Of The Rocks” the week Bring Me To Life got to number one
- Ben Moody saying “Yeah, take that R Kelly!” when Wes told him that BMTL had knocked Ignition off number one
- The fantastic use of metaphor in the video for Going Under (those who have seen it will presumably know what I’m talking about here)

Rest assured, a checklist is being kept. We will inform you when The Darkness surpass any of these milestones.

4) RACHEL STEVENS – Sweet Dreams My LA Ex

We’ve not had any pictures this week, have we? Lee, Herring, Cyberman:

3) JAMELIA – Superstar

Ahahahah… it is the dark horse, going clippety-clop on the rail, and going up for the second week in a row. Is this the one? It must be! Jamelia, from Yet Another British R&B Failure, has suddenly become The People’s Champion! Perhaps it was due to her impressive brag that “I’ve got my own flat” in her last single. Though that only got to #38, so perhaps not. But y’know, if any song could take the BEP off #1… well, obviously I’d like it to be Scooter, but it would be well cool if she could make the leap. C’mon…

2) BEYONCE ft. SEAN PAUL – Baby Boy (NEW ENTRY)

This could have removed them, but for one very important thing – it is pish. The jingle they play to introduce it is a splicing of the jingles Beyonce and Sean-eh have doen for the top 40 chart in the past, and gives about as convincing an impression of them ever having been in the same room together as the song, which sort of sounds a bit Arabic-ish, and has her going a bit “Hmm, Male Vocallist, I fancy you quite a bit, probably,” and he goes a bit “Er, yes, Female Vocallist, you also are reasonably attractive in my eyes, I presume,” and it’s just very dull and toss and…

1) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?

Has now been number one for six weeks. This should be remarkable, and if this were, say R Kelly or Blu & Sean or Evanescence, I would be in fits of glee as the challengers crumbled and fell. But this song is rubbish and dull and you can’t even fucking dance to it or anything and no-one cared about this Beyonce single and I’m trying and trying and TRYING to persuade myself this is a triumph of the absurd… but it’s not. It’s bollocks. And Justin Timberlake sings the hook. Grr. And the internet’s down, so I’ve forgotten the URL of the Hoddle pic. So here’s the Lee & Herring one again. Try and imagine the Cyberman as Hoddle. It’s not that hard, really…