Great Britpop songs that never existed

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1. Met Bar

(features the opening line "I met her at the Met Bar...they said she wouldn't get far")

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 20 October 2003 11:51 (twenty-one years ago)

all of them

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 20 October 2003 11:54 (twenty-one years ago)

2. Streatham

"I live in sunny Streatham/But girls I cannot get 'em"
(there is no second line)
(mercifully)

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 20 October 2003 11:55 (twenty-one years ago)

i maintain that the thread title is a redundancy

― the surface noise (electricsound), Monday, 20 October 2003 11:56 (twenty-one years ago)

(xpost)
also this is now factually untrue, doubly so as I'm moving to Hampstead in time for Xmas :-)

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 20 October 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago)

3. Lock On Tommy

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 20 October 2003 12:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Camden Rock

"We play... Camden Rock!!!!
We're in a pub in Camden Lock!!!
Where all the cool girls can be found!!!!
You can get there in the underground!!!!!

Ba ba ba ba ba.... "[That's the "sixties" style chorus, BTW!!!!]

― Old Fart!!! (oldfart_sd), Monday, 20 October 2003 12:28 (twenty-one years ago)

4. Dennis The Menace

He wears Red and Black chinos
Like he is in the Beano
He's Dennis
The Menace
Dennis
The Menace
He's got a wire-haired dog
And they do it in the bog
He's Dennis
The Menace
Dennis
The Menace
Yeahhhh
(organ riff in homage to Free or someone)

― William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 20 October 2003 12:47 (twenty-one years ago)

"Good Time Gertie talks dirty when she's shirty / That's Good Time Gertie, Gertie, oi! / She'll fiddle with your knob for a couple of bob / Good Time Gertie - oi oi!"

I stole this from the 'funny page' of an old issue of Melody Maker

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Monday, 20 October 2003 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

'shake ya arse'
'ian wright's dead hard'
'panties & cigarettes (not a good combination)' (beats int'l remix)

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:02 (twenty-one years ago)

9. 'Where Did It All Go Wrong?'

"So you woke up in bed with Miss World, not as impressive as that cup winner you curled...swearing like a docker on Wogan, 'best get another round in' was your slogan"

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:07 (twenty-one years ago)

10. Celestial Heights

"Take me to your celestial heights, i'm so sick and tired of these bedsit nights - come around later and i'll bake you a cake, a dessert of comfort and care to share"

(yes i meant great in the pejorative sense)

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Richard and Judy-by one of those twee britpop girl bands Graham likes.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:16 (twenty-one years ago)

12. 'Delia Marding'

DO YOU SEE?!

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

13. Return Of Lamacq

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:21 (twenty-one years ago)

14. 'wake up liam'

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:23 (twenty-one years ago)

15. "Hey, Men", as sung by token skinny female with entirely male backing band.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

16. 'funkee jamm!' (kick-ass bongo breakdown)

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:37 (twenty-one years ago)

"Top of the World" (not that one) by

See me shining like a star now
I'm a beaming blah blah blah ahhh
Look a look a look ma
Im on top of the world...

sorry about line two, got bored...

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 20 October 2003 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Tequila Sunrise -> Champagne Supernova -> Vodka Singularity -> Snakebite Black Hole

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Monday, 20 October 2003 14:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't forget Crooksy's overlooked 2nd LP, Sunday Down The Green Man, featuring the little-heard tracks 'Shandy Girl', 'Posing At The Cottage', 'I Didn't Mean It To Come Out Like That' and the epic, underrated 'Your Nation'.

― the pinefox, Monday, 20 October 2003 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

"Beating Off with the Union Jack"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Monday, 20 October 2003 15:32 (twenty-one years ago)

26. 'I Wanna Be Ray Davies (In a Rowboat on the Thames Wearing a Straw Boater)'

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Monday, 20 October 2003 16:02 (twenty-one years ago)

27. "Raising a Pint for the Queen Mum (Phwaooar!)"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Monday, 20 October 2003 17:25 (twenty-one years ago)

28. "Union Jack"

Union Jack, he's so happy...
Dressing up, looking snappy...
Out on the town...
Say hello to Union Jack...

― John Fredland (jfredland), Monday, 20 October 2003 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

The boys in the band - get all the girls
The boys in the band - know it's their world
The boys in the band - check out their moves
The boys in the band - oh we love you!

― Ben Dot (1977), Monday, 20 October 2003 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

30. London Lights

o/~ always ends up at his door
she wonders what she came here for
for dirty sheets and cigarettes
and early calls and late regrets

(it's just) another london night
under neon london lights
she's just another london light
in the london sky tonight... o/~

[with epic(TM) strings]

― cis (cis), Monday, 20 October 2003 22:29 (twenty-one years ago)

The Pinefox won this thread seven posts ago.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Monday, 20 October 2003 23:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Best ILM thread, lately

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Monday, 20 October 2003 23:16 (twenty-one years ago)

The Pinefox won this thread seven posts ago

That is because he is a super genius.

'I Wanna Be Ray Davies (In a Rowboat on the Thames Wearing a Straw Boater)'

Not with that amount of sludge in the water.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 20 October 2003 23:42 (twenty-one years ago)

"Union Jack" could have been a perfet Blur chorus around 1995 :-)

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 08:03 (twenty-one years ago)

The Thames is actually the cleanest it's been in about 300 or 400 years right now! If you fall in, they no longer have to pump your stomach.

― kate (kate), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 08:55 (twenty-one years ago)

I can never find Crooksy's first LP "A Fruitmarket? Not the place where most Cup runs begin".

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

what happened to Crooksy? i know Dean the drummer went on to join The Spaniels but what of the others?

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 10:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Toby the bassist's debut novel, about a failed pop star who gets drawn into the seedy word of card sharking, was published last year.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 10:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Tarquin went into movies and did the score for 'Snatch'.
Rita is now the controversial columnist for a broadsheet Sunday Supplement.
Tommy now drives minicabs in New Cross.

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 10:26 (twenty-one years ago)

man i remember seeing them supporting Cable at the Bull & Gate in '94 and thinking they'd go far...real far...like Pontefract...

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 11:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Did they ever get round to doing that cover version of "Come Outside" with Sonya from Eastenders?

― Lynskey (Lynskey), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 12:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I think that 'Union Jack' and 'London Nights' deserve special mentions. Who were they by?

― the pinefox, Tuesday, 21 October 2003 19:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Union Jack was by Claimer.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 21 October 2003 20:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Claimer were shite weren't they? 'London Nights' was by Starling. more Gene wannabes basically. lead singer Kevin Davis was accused of stalking Martin Rossiter for a while.

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 12:11 (twenty-one years ago)

"All This And Heaven Too"

He's a consummate professional
Perfectionist in every way
He's got his finger on the pulse
Got a brand new image every day
You know the gab, he's got the gift
The women love him, so they say
All the boys they want to be him
Dandy, cad, effete and fey

All this and heaven too
But there's nothing they can do
They'll never be like him
They don't know what's within

He's burning candles at both ends
He tries so hard, he spends so much
He loves himself more than his friends
He's losing weight, he's losing touch
But he who goes against the fashion
Just ends up its pauper slave
He doesn't understand that passion
Can't be bought - you only crave

(chorus, middle eight, chorus, explosion)

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:18 (twenty-one years ago)

on second thoughts, that's a terrible Britpop song that did exist. I always get it so wrong, so very wrong...

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:22 (twenty-one years ago)

wise words tho...

'Mmmmf'

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:26 (twenty-one years ago)

"last call at the good mixer"

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

"Pleasant Peasant"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:38 (twenty-one years ago)

"Anorak Motherfucker"

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:48 (twenty-one years ago)

"Kippers and Condoms"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 14:51 (twenty-one years ago)

wise words tho...

I often feel my 20 year-old self was far more perceptive than the current version...

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 15:31 (twenty-one years ago)

"Shepherd's Pie and PCP"

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Wednesday, 22 October 2003 23:47 (twenty-one years ago)

"Toad in the Arsehole"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Thursday, 23 October 2003 00:15 (twenty-one years ago)

You're right -- "Union Jack" was by Claimer. Their February '96 release "Out Come The Lads" was a chipper slice of Britpop, a staple in the dormrooms of many an Anglophile American. Tunes like "Union Jack," "Mum And Dad," "Miss Marmalade" and "Took My Girl A Daisy" effectively balanced lead singer Nigel Smith's sense of whimsy with just the right smidgen of Johnny Spencer's guitar grit. (The Hodgson twins, Pete and Andy, were the smiling rhythm section.) Touring the US in support of Spacehog helped build some goodwill. Unfortunately, Johnny Spencer got the "OK Computer" fever real bad in late '97. When the Claimer's next effort, "Analog? Digital?" hit the racks in September '98, fans discovered an incoherent mess. Spencer seemed barely interested in Smith's whimsical contributions, which caused tunes like "Big Bird" and "Secret Garden" to drown in saccharine. Instead, Spencer threw his energy into sub-"Paranoid Android" jams like "Your Number, Not Your Name" and "DVD Suicide," which wound up tuneless and aimless. As would probably be expected, Claimer wasn't long for the world -- they broke up in May of '99.

― John Fredland (jfredland), Thursday, 23 October 2003 10:07 (twenty-one years ago)

omg i totally forgot 'Silence Glenda' by Chipping Norton

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 23 October 2003 10:51 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

Brilliant thread!

But:

12. 'Delia Marding'
DO YOU SEE?!

No, Stevem, I never did see...

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:14 (twenty years ago)

'formica mornings'

― N_RQ, Friday, 5 August 2005 10:23 (twenty years ago)

me OTM

― shine headlights on me (electricsound), Friday, 5 August 2005 10:26 (twenty years ago)

"me and you and a doctor named who"

― the goulash archipelago (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 5 August 2005 10:35 (twenty years ago)

London (Day Return) - Peter and the Wolves.

― danny boy, Friday, 5 August 2005 21:32 (twenty years ago)

Kanye feat. Jandek - Wonderwall

― Team Roc (Rob Uptight.), Friday, 5 August 2005 21:35 (twenty years ago)

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