The UK Top 40, 2/11/03

a) Sophie Ellis Bextor is #19. This is not right.
b) I really could do with not hearing Let Me Entertain You ever again.
c) Precisely who told Bryn Terfel that singing My Heart Will Go On in Italian was a good idea?
d) Ignition (Remix) is still one of the best things ever.
e) Jamie Cullum most assuredly isn’t.
f) REM are number one. This is great because it means Radio 1 have to play a song by An Old Band From Several Years Ago, specifically Losing My Religion. The unexpectedness of this is wholly lovely.

Wes plays the whole of Someday by Nickelback (#39). Worst single of the year is wide open, but this definitely has its nose near the front of the pack…

New Entries outside the top 20: David Sneddon #38 (retiring from pop singing to do pop songwriting instead. So near, and yet so very, very far…); Dave Gahan #36 (Dave does a song about alcohol addiction. Better than his song about drug addiction, but still a bit ming); Kym Marsh #35 (A Kym Marsh Single, a bit like A Delta Goodrem Single but worse); Underworld #27 (Born Slippy with new piano line. Fair enough); Mark Owen #26 (forgotten what this sounds like for reasons explainable in a little bit, but it seemed OK); and UB40 ft. United Colours Of Sound #22 (UB40 do Swing Low. Yes, you do know exactly what that’s going to sound like).

Explanations – dinner was ready around the time of #23, thus distracting me for a bit. I did manage to listen to it though, but it’s now #11, meaning I’m nine songs down. Commence rushing:

20) THE DARKNESS – I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Long-time readers may remember we went through a spate of putting lots of pictures of Katie Griffiths from ballboy in the rundown in place of having to say anything about Deepest Blue, or whoever. Well, it transpires she’s leaving ballboy to move down to London with her fiancé. This week, therefore, we present:

I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT MIS-TEEQ: A TRIBUTE TO KATIE GRIFFITHS FROM BALLBOY

19) WAYNE WONDER – Bounce Along (NEW ENTRY)

Like his last single, but not really as good. He has his groove on, a bit, and he’s changed the drums a smidge to signify. Well done. I remain eight down…

18) DIDO – White Flag

Seven…
17) STACIE ORRICO – (There’s Gotta Be) More To Life

Wes interviews Stacie and it transpires that her surname is Italian. Wes immediately sets about going “Orrrrrrrrr-EEEEco!” Rumours his catchphrase will be changing to “It’s-a me, Wes!” remain unsubstantiated.

Six…

16) 50 CENT – P.I.M.P.

Still six to go…

15) EMMA – Maybe

This really is very good, isn’t it? Just wish Sophie Ellis Bextor had sung it instead, cos then it would have been number one for, like… a week, at least.

Five…

14) OBIE TRICE – Got Some Teeth

Four…

13) HILARY DUFF – So Yesterday

This is going to be around forever, like that Leann Rimes thing. God knows it’s just as dreary.

Three…

12) JAMELIA – Superstar

Back to three… c’mon…

11) ANGEL CITY – Love Me Right (NEW ENTRY)

Know a girl who went to school with the girl what sings on this. I’ve had better claims to fame – this lot are apparently going to be appearing on Dance Anthems with Dave Pearce later, and this certainly sounds like the kind of thing Dave is mildly excited by. In other words, rubbish house that I have forgotten about ten minutes after hearing. Tssch. Still three to go…

10) PHIXX – Hold On Me (NEW ENTRY)

Them lot that failed to get into One True Voice. Reasoning, not unreasonably, that as such their voices might be a bit rub, the producers bury them under a ton of blip-blop drums and synths that sound a bit like the Human League, thus polishing the turd sufficiently to produce a record that’s actually really quite good. Though they will obviously dance and look exactly like D-Side or Triple 8 or whoever they were a few months back, which will be a bit disappointing. Hmm.

Two…

9) LIBERTY X – Jumpin’

Still two, but we’re gerrin’ closer…

8) HOLLY VALANCE – State Of Mind (NEW ENTRY)

“People only buy her records cos they find her attractive,” say Teletext or Ceefax or whoever it was said that. Bollocks. She looks like Carol Vorderman. A younger Carol Vorderman, obviously, but still the kind of person that laughs at Richard Whiteley. This single, however, is really very, very good. Her singing is again buried under production, which is something of a bonus. She sort of screeches a bit about something being a “stay-dov-mahhn” while some electric bits jar and shudder very loudly over the top, like a pissed-off Add N To (X). Least, that’s how I remember it, so that could be bollocks, but I’m still catching up for fuck’s sakes…

7) PINK – Trouble (NEW ENTRY)

She’s trouble. We know this because she tells us so about ninety-four times. There is much rocking, probably. It’s all a bit… dull.

Two down… c’mon…

6) SUGABABES – Hole In The Head

Crisis! The main ballboy fansite is DEAD! It Is Not There Anymore! Bastidge!

5) BLUE – Guilty

There must be more pictures somewhere…

4) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love?

THANK YOU BBC OXFORD!

3) ATOMIC KITTEN – If You Come To Me

Hmm. This is a maturing in Atomic Kitten’s sound, probably. Thus, it sounds like a substandard Ashanti single. Well done girls.

2) KEVIN LYTTLE – Turn Me On

And we catch up. Whew. “Got me python crying for mercy” – I’d say that I sympathise, except I don’t, quite. Wes cuts this a clear minute short, oddly…

1) FATMAN SCOOP – Be Faithful

“I AM FATMAN SCOOP AKA BIG COLORADO! THIS IS THE ONLY CHART I CARE ABOUT! Y’HEARD!” As top two’s go, this is quite a decent one, isn’t it? Certainly if you fancy pissing off your mates. “It’s a fucking ringtone!” segue-ing straight into “It’s a fat bloke shouting!” This remains a wonderful thing to be at number one, simply because pop needs mad shouty people (no, Pink, that doesn’t include you, no matter how often you flip the bird), particularly if they let all their flab hang out on Top Of The Pops thus creating a fantastic “This Is What You Could Have Won” moment, coming as it did immediately after Blue, who did their whole “Ooh-wee-ooh, bay-behhh, I’ve just been down River Island and got me some lovely brogues, and now I’m off to make sex with your sister” thing. It’s not just a fat bloke shouting, it’s The Best Fat Bloke Shouting Ever, where ‘Ever’ means ‘this year within the confines of the number one spot’. I think. Oh well.

Bye bye, Katie. We’ll miss you.