The UK Top 40, 16/11/03

1) The song Wes plays is called ‘God Is A DJ’. It contains the line “Lover, hey, fuck you.” Radio 1 have forgotten to radio edit it.
2) At roughly twenty-nine minutes past four, “Lover, hey, fuck you” goes out across the nation.
3) Wes fails to notice this or apologise for it.

Let’s storm the BBC and demand the deposition of this vile, horrid man forthwith before he goes spreading even nastier words in the minds of our children.

New entries outside the top 20: The Cooper Temple Clause #37 (half-decent indie-ing, till it gets to the chorus, because, like most British indie singers these days, he has A Rubbish Voice, and the chorus is where he is required to put a bit more emotion in, and it just sounds cack generally); Linus Loves #31 (what sounds like a fantastic house track gets an unnecessary vocal track that doesn’t actually fit laid over it in order that Dave Pearce can understand it. Thus, the world marches ever onwards); Elephant Man #29 (do you remember Reel 2 Real ft. the Mad Stuntman? This is like that, but rubbish); Mel C #27 (a ‘modern ballad’ [i.e. features both piano AND acoustic guitar – at the same time!], and for the first minute or two it isn’t rubbish. Then it carries on being the same for the next minute or two. And becomes rubbish); and Basement Jaxx & Dizzee Rascal #23 (ah man – crap marketing sucks… I’ll write more on this one later, probably).

Wes is really pissing me off this afternoon. That will most likely manifest itself in a deeply sweary manner later on.

20) ANGEL CITY ft. LARA McALLEN – Love Me Right (Oh Sheila)

This is exactly as blaagh as it has been for the past three weeks. Shall I write about Basement Jaxx now then? Go on. The song is Lucky Star, it’s got Dizzee Rascal on it, and it’s bloody fantastic. Usually I hate Basement Jaxx, because they’re the kind of thing that gets put on the soundtrack to Diarmuid Gavin Builds A Shed Out Of Purple Emulsion, and it’s all just a bit mediocre somehow (the fact Where’s Your Head At? sounds like it was specifically engineered to be yelled by drunken hockey shits doesn’t really help matters). But this… oof. Dizzee Rascal is all over it like Pac-Man, eating anything that moves or otherwise, grinding out his R’s, elongating and squeaking and just utterly everywhere – best bit being when he goes “Rrrrrrround Rrrrrrrrrround Rrrrrrrrrrrround we go,” like he’s some kind of human pepper grinder or something. The backing track goes mental in an enjoyable kind of a way, all Arabic horn bits, blippy things and, er, stuff, the vocal appears to feature the helium-voiced types from Scooter on loan with slightly-deeper intonation, and the whole thing is one of the best singles that’s been released this year. And it gets to #23 because it’s had nix-all publicity aside from the Radio 1 A-List, cos it come out after the album which itself came out in the same week the Strokes came out and as such got overshadowed there as well. Thus, they release this in one of the strongest weeks for singles this year (at least nine new entries in the top 20). And to think I had it down as the one where Dizzee well and truly crossed over. Oh well.

19) SUGABABES – Hole In The Head

Wes sounds deeply amused that they’re playing Butlins in Minehead tonight. Because he’s obviously far too famous for all that.

18) JAMELIA – Superstar

Still clinging on grimly and gloriously. This has actually brought a tear to my eye, I’m not sure why. I might get the album. I mean, I feel somewhat guilty in giving this one the love every week, considering I really didn’t care for Jamelia beforehand. I really disliked Bout, though that might have been because it had Rah Digga shouting on it. I dunno. This remains fabulous, anyway.

17) BLUE – Guilty

Gives rise to the question – were Wes to actually do a DJ set, what would it consist of? It’s a puzzler, to be sure…

16) STEREOPHONICS – Since I Told You It’s Over (NEW ENTRY)

No. No, no, no. There are some people that can elongate vowels. There are some that can’t. And then there’s Kelly fucking Jones. Sorry, “ffycin’”, because you’re The Epitome Of Being Welsh, aren’t you, Kelly. This lasts roughly nine years, and the end of every line features KFJ elongating the end of “ov-uuuuuuuuuuggggggggh” or something that rhymes with it. And it has pointless trumpets and stuff, just like Handbags & Gladrags did. Which came out roughly the same time of year a couple of years ago, and was their biggest hit ever. See what they’re trying to do? Well, they’ve failed. Thankfully.

15) JAVINE – Surrender (NEW ENTRY)

Wes interviews Javine beforehand, and she comes out with some spiel about how she’s proud of her new direction in a solo direction of direction and isn’t in Girls Aloud and stuff. This is a cover of something Diana Ross did. It sounds rather like Superstar, but not as good. Not so much ‘pales in comparison,’ more ‘looks less good in comparison.’ There’s some horns and stuff, and a very nice little spoken word bit at the end. But Jamelia is better, thus there.

14) LUDACRIS – Stand Up (NEW ENTRY)

Fact of the day: Ludacris will never have a UK top ten single. Ever. Unless it’s in conjunction with someone else. There’s just something very… unspectacular about him, something not quite there. He even came over and promoted this sort of properly (RI:SE & Jools Holland counts, doesn’t it?), and it’s a good tune as well, he comes off quite wittily in the lyrics, and the beat sounds like rocks grinding (not like the Stereophonics, that would be like teeth grinding). But, well… he’s Ludacris. It’s destiny. Simple as, really.

13) ATOMIC KITTEN – If You Come To Me

Then We Can Watch Question Of Sport And Midsomer Murders Then Go Upstairs And Listen To Runrig And Beverly Knight. That Will Be Fun, Won’t It?

12) PINK – Trouble

D’you reckon it will get Wes sacked, the swearing and that? Then again, they’d just replace him with Scott Mills. Every loser wins, or every winner loses, or something like that. Dennis Waterman. Wes probably reckons he’s more famous than him as well.

11) RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS – Fortune Faded (NEW ENTRY)

It might have been Paul Young who did Every Loser Wins, thinking on it. I’ll have a look in a minute. I was eating dinner when this was on, but I hate the Red Hot Chilli Peppers anyway so I’m not too bothered that I could only hear it in one ear. It sounded rubbish like that, but I don’t think it would have been any better on full. It’s one of the ones where they try to go jangle, I think, and Anthony Kiedis spits unto us his wisdom, like “This life is more than just a read-through” or something else dead deep and stuff. Shits not given.

10) MISSY ELLIOTT – Pass That Dutch (NEW ENTRY)

“Hello there, I’m international hip-hop superstar Missy Elliott. You may remember me from such songs as That One With The Sitar Bits, or That One With The Backwards Talking. Here, for you, is a new single from me, which will be referred to by future generations as That One With The ‘You Have Five Seconds To Catch Your Breath’ bit.” Because aside from that, and the applause bit, there isn’t that much going on here, is there? She sort of goes “Ooh, I’m Missy Elliott, I pronounce words a bit funny every now and then,” and… that’s about it. Oh well.

9) RONAN KEATING – Lost For Words (NEW ENTRY)

Ronan Keating In ‘New Rockier Direction’ = Ronan Keating In ‘New Sounding Like Bryan Adams Direction’.

8) BLACK EYED PEAS – Where Is The Love

There is a very long and not very interesting bit where Will-I-Am tries to explain breakdancing to Wes. Oh, those funny hip-hop people. It’s all just talking, you know.

7) BLAZIN’ SQUAD – Flip Reverse

This was number two last week. It’s been a very long week, somehow. I had loads I was gonna write this week, I know I did. Spent all weekend anticipating, I was even gonna come down and do it in advance. Things are just… weird. I don’t know what’s going on in my head right now, but it’s not great. What this has to do with Blazin’ Squad doing a half-decent-ish single despite clearly having far too many members and yet having one obviously marked out for ‘Solo Career’ (clue: he sings the hook) is beyond me. Maybe it’ll come back to me later.

6) OUTKAST – Hey Ya (NEW ENTRY)

This got on Top Of The Pops this week, for no apparent reason. It was quite tragic watching Andre 3000 expecting a massive crowd response to the “ICE COL’!” line, then only getting shouted back by his DJ. This remains very good though… and at the moment, I’m listening to Dave Pearce’s Dance Anthems cos I’m that far behind. Turn it off Will. Turn it off. Turn the chair round and turn it off.

(‘Hey Ya’ is the new single by Atlantan rappers OUTKAST, the second taken from their critically acclaimed album ‘SPEAKERBOXXX/THE LOVE BELOW’.)

Turn It Off Will. It Is Eating Your Brain And That Is Bad.

Right, turned it off. Outkast. On th’ MP3. Wicked. Handclaps, bit sort of country goes soul goes gospel goes hiphop hoo-rah, lovely little lyrics – “Lend me some sugar – I AM yo’ neighbour!” And it’s those handclaps that drive it all along, and they drive it very fast and very enjoyably. It’s very good.

5) FATMAN SCOOP! CROOKLYN CLAAAAN! – Be Faithful

Why the fuck are they clomping about upstairs? Jesus. Oh, it’s a wicked web we weave, the chart finished 45 minutes ago, and I said I’d write about Fatman Scoop at greater length this week. I was having apple pie when it was on, and I didn’t bother having my headphones in. Sorry. Next week, promise.

4) KYLIE MINOGUE – Slow

“Hello there, I’m international pop culture icon Kylie Minogue. You may remember me from such singles as…”

3) KEVIN LYTTLE – Turn Me On

This one I specially danced around the kitchen to this week. God bless Wee Kev. God bless the ringtone-esque sound of his backing track. God bless his incredibly high-pitched and nervous-sounding voice. God bless him referring to his penis as his “python”. God bless the mildly crap dancing with tiny flags in his video. God bless the way this song is mixed so his guest rapper’s verse is entirely overdubbed with Wee Kev going “Ooh yeh yeh”. God bless in particular the way this song just will not get out of your head for a good hour after you hear it, and you find “Hug me hug me, kiss me squeeze me, hug me hug me kiss and caress me” entering your head at utterly inappropriate times of day or night or whenever, and whenever you remember one part of it about twenty other bits immediately follow (even if one of them is from ‘Bounce Along’ by Wayne Wonder, for some reason). Can we have this as Christmas number one, please? Or number one for a week at least. Wee Kev deserves just the one week. How about next week? It’s only her out of Fame Academy next week. Go on. Make Wee Kev #1. For Christmas. Go on.

2) BRITNEY SPEARS ft. MADONNA – Me Against The Music (NEW ENTRY)

Oh. #1 or bust here, really. She’s been on our televisions for a good month or so now, and it’s just been very scary realising how little there is upstairs. Every question seems to be answered by her pulling a face and saying “y’know,” coming off like a deeply confused and frightened ten year old. On Popworld this morning, Simon Amstell showed her photos of British popstars to find out which ones she fancied. She said, almost without exception, that they were all “cute”. She didn’t appear to be listening to anything he was saying, and it was all… terrifying. This record and her new album are meant to be “more about her.” Is there anything there for them to be about? This, for instance, is okay enough, but lacking in anything particularly special. And then Madonna comes in, and things start to really spiral out of control. Madonna repeatedly refers to Britney by name, as if she’s saying “I, Pop Cultural Titan Madonna, Do Hereby Solemnly Swear That Britney Spears Is Also A Pop Cultural Titan, Just Like How I Was And Still Obviously Am. I Hereby Declare That All Of You Will Now Go “Wow, Britney And Madonna On The Same Record! Wow!” And Realise Just How Significant An Event Us Snogging Was.” The record becomes a disaster, as two people desperately clamour for something approaching relevance by ripping off TATU but without the tunes to go with, or the conviction, or anything at all, just “Hey! Look! Girls! KISSING! LOOOK!” And you can see the backlash from miles off, people talking about how Britney’s lost it and Madonna’s lost it, and the vultures come swooping down to round on her, and it’s not even as if she’s done anything to particularly deserve this mauling-to-be. She’s just not as famous as she used to be, and this record isn’t really much good. But at the same time, this record is all about riding on reputations. And Britney… well, she’s 21 now. She didn’t used to be. So, y’know… she’s not very good anymore, and we can all go “Aaaaah” in her face, or something. It’s tragic, really, cos now this hasn’t got to #1, people will very much be of the opinion that she’s lost it. I can’t work out whether or not to feel sorry for her… no, I’m not. This record is an ambulance chaser, a desperate record, that nicks ideas from a lot of other things but not as good and with no identity of its own. But I’ll have no part in this mass slaughter, cos Robbie Williams has been getting away with the same for years now, and you don’t see people taking the piss out of him.

1) BUSTED – Crashed The Wedding (NEW ENTRY)

So Busted are number one. Wes is over-excited, because Wes is always over-excited about this kind of thing. They did a jingle for him, you know. Busted… I was close to warming to them. Then I saw the video for this. And I realised. I really, really hate their faces, and there they were, jaunty-angling away again, doing that sort of half-sarcastic stare thing, the whole ‘smarter-than-U’ smirks and nods and winks. They play all the characters in the video, in make-up and stuff, with the net result that all the characters in the video look like Paul and Pauline Calf. We did not need a British Good Charlotte. We did not need Good Charlotte. And the whole ‘hating fun’ thing. Fuck off. I don’t hate fun, I hate smart-arsed twods who act like they’re all bloody above this pop stuff cos they listen to Sparklehorse and say “shit” and such, and play their own instruments and write their own songs and wear The Darkness T-Shirts… it’s like they made a record of Coupling. The Observer reckons they have variety because they do ballads. That’s like Wet Wet Wet saying they occasionally rock out. The NME said their album was a perfect picture of how it is “being a teenager in Britain today.” This is assuming, of course, you are being a teenager in a sitcom on Children’s BBC.

Oh god. I was gonna be good this week, I was gonna write about how Dexy’s at the RFH on Monday was positively evangelical, how there have been few sweeter sights than Kevin Rowland pumping his fist with the audience when they came back for the second encore, how This Is What She’s Like was the best gig experience I’ve ever had, how I failed to punch that twat from Does Doug Know?... and I was gonna apologise for skying the Angelica review on Stylus over the bar by only writing it the night before it was due, and by making an utter mess of the ending. I miss Angelica. Listening to those two albums they did again, it made me realise that if they’d got themselves together, if someone had really given them a proper run at an album, then they’d be here right now, in the top 40 – in the top 20, even, and I’d be writing paragraph upon paragraph about their glory. Instead I decided to spell the backing vocals and settled for saying they were too good to be forgotten. Yeah, that’ll swing ‘em. It was important, cos no-one writes articles about Angelica, or bands like Angelica. Perhaps this is why we have an underground, so we can do fanzines then discard them when we start writing for proper magazines. Or so when we start writing for proper magazines we can swan about displaying our knowledge of The Handsome Family like we are The Shit. But Angelica – who’ll resurrect them? They’ll just be a footnote under The Cooper Temple Clause or whoever. It was important, and I skanked it. This does tie in to Busted, somehow. Angelica did songs that could make people dance just as well as Busted’s do (you could even do the jumpy-uppy-guitary-thing if you fancied). Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. It’s not a bad chart this week either. But Busted… I really, really don’t like them. Sorry.