fiddo centington's crystal ball presents a little peek into the future of pitchfork...

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>> JAY-Z REVIEW

Yes, this warrants its own paragraph, mainly because it comes out next Friday, and DiCrescenzo had the preposterous-- nay, brilliant-- idea for each of us to contribute
a blurb for each song. As you are certainly aware, the big deal about this album is, of course, that it's Jay's last, and that each track features a different producer.
Plagenhoef and I are currently working on assigning writers to match each producer in personality: Mullah would be Eminem (surly as fuck, button-pusher, makes no
compromises), Brent D would be Rick Rubin (old-schooler, been in the game forever, "rockist"), etc. Just an early warning! You best download now (it's all over
Soulseek) or let me know you want out.

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:31 (twenty-two years ago)

+ 01 Intro [Just Blaze] -- Ryan's intro
+ 02 December 4th [Just Blaze] -- Rollie Pemberton
+ 03 What More Can I Say [Buchannans] -- Hartley Goldstein
+ 04 Encore [Kanye West] -- Rob Mitchum
+ 05 Change Clothes [Neptunes] -- Ryan Schreiber
+ 06 Dirt Off Your Shoulder [Timbaland] -- William Bowers
+ 07 The Threat [9th Wonder] -- Special Guest Star Sam Chennault
+ 08 Moment of Clarity [Eminem] -- Mullah Omar
+ 09 99 Problems [Rick Rubin] -- Brent DiCrescenzo
+ 10 Public Service Announcement (Interlude) [Just Blaze] -- Rollie Pemberton
+ 11 Justify My Thug [DJ Quik] -- Chris Dahlen
+ 12 Lucifer [Kanye West] -- Rob Mitchum
+ 13 Allure [Neptunes] -- Ryan Schreiber
+ 14 My First Song [Aqua] -- Scott Plagenhoef

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:32 (twenty-two years ago)

i feel like a kid on xmas eve

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Hahahahahahaha how did you get a hold of this?

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:36 (twenty-two years ago)

i have my sources

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:38 (twenty-two years ago)

This is GONNA be so good! I can't WAIT!

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

B-b-but where's Chris Ott?

― nate detritus (natedetritus), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Out arranging things so PITCHFORK is the most powerful music source on the PLANET, perhaps?

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:43 (twenty-two years ago)

but the album's already in stores here in Iowa!

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

maybe this will be the last pitchfork review ever too

― gaz (gaz), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

is they bored?

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Ott is GONE! He's RETIRED!

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

but the album's already in stores here in Iowa!

They bumped up the date by as much as three weeks to compete with all the downloading. Jay-Z was pretty cool about it. He's like, "What, again? Oh well."

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Music criticism is getting corny.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:47 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, it needs to be more experimental

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Ott is GONE! He's RETIRED!

And he's now fully joined the ranks of us failed rock critics.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:48 (twenty-two years ago)

J0hn, I think Jess is quoting from an e-mail (from Ethan?)

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:49 (twenty-two years ago)

More droning run-on-sentences in MUSIC CRITICISM would sure shake things up, dontchyatink?

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:50 (twenty-two years ago)

There's part of me that wishes that instead of giving a few of the writers two slots (Schreiber, Pemberton, Mitchum), they'd farm the assignments out to some corny indie fuxxors like Matt LeMay!

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:54 (twenty-two years ago)

there's a part of me that wishest pitchfork wouldnt even bother

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:54 (twenty-two years ago)

With what?

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Which part?

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:56 (twenty-two years ago)

the heart

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:57 (twenty-two years ago)

and my big toe

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:57 (twenty-two years ago)

the left one

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey, and whatever happened to Spencer "I loved Weezer when I was in 4th grade" Owen?

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 03:57 (twenty-two years ago)

He discovered girls.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:00 (twenty-two years ago)

We need to employ more fuckwits at Stylus, maybe we'd make some progress then.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:02 (twenty-two years ago)

"more"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:02 (twenty-two years ago)

thank you dom

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:07 (twenty-two years ago)

It's five am here, I don't even know if that's sarcasm.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

It's actually 4:09am, I read the clock wrong. Do let us know, anyway.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:09 (twenty-two years ago)

"Mullah would be Eminem (surly as fuck, button-pusher, makes no compromises), Brent D would be Rick Rubin (old-schooler, been in the game forever, "rockist"), etc."

That sentence makes me want to punch someone for no apparent reason.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:22 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, no, there is a reason Milo.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:23 (twenty-two years ago)

that sentence is awesome!

― Sonny A. (Keiko), Monday, 17 November 2003 04:31 (twenty-two years ago)

hey jess, why don't you write for pitchfork yet?

― vahid (vahid), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:36 (twenty-two years ago)

because i still have mirrors in my house.

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:39 (twenty-two years ago)

ha. i said "write for" not "write like".

― vahid (vahid), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:43 (twenty-two years ago)

oh, two reasons i guess, a. $$, and b. ryan pitchfork fucking hates me

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:45 (twenty-two years ago)

"what's HER problem??"

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:46 (twenty-two years ago)

haha

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:46 (twenty-two years ago)

So what, does he "tolerate" Ethan?

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:47 (twenty-two years ago)

it's very strange

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I actually like this idea [[ducks]]

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:52 (twenty-two years ago)

The idea could be worthy, but the context and execution is...unsettling.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:53 (twenty-two years ago)

you'll notice i myself have not passed judgment on the idea

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:54 (twenty-two years ago)

the crystal ball sees all but does not impart opinion, merely fact

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:54 (twenty-two years ago)

keeping the cards krazy-glued to his vest, ladies and gentlemen it's fiddo centington!

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:54 (twenty-two years ago)

See, Fiddo, now I imagine you saying that in a Prince voice.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:55 (twenty-two years ago)

"oh yeah, say it to me in the prince voice baby"

― cinniblount (James Blount), Monday, 17 November 2003 05:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 11 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Ryan Pitchfork speaks out on hating Tupac and loving shit with balls:

Ryan: man it's like hip-hop emo
Ryan: this site hates emo, read any emo band's review
Ryan: we've been against that shit since 1998!
Ryan: and there's a difference-- a big one-- between indie and emo
Ryan: indie = punk/DIY
Ryan: emo = whiny breakup songs
Ryan: cause look at the lyrics and that precious delivery
Ryan: they're little little dogs cowering in corners!
Ryan: they have NO SELF RESPECT
Ryan: indie rock is ROCK not simpering acoustic guitar bullshit
Ryan: "MAYYYKKIINNGG OUUUUUTTTT"
Ryan: it really sickens me
Ryan: that fucking precious turn in their lyrics
Ryan: indie rock is what punk started being before it became a genre
Ryan: i'm not talking like Epitaph shit
Ryan: that's watered down, it's the punk version of emo
Ryan: i'm talking original 77-82 punk
Ryan: and current art-punk
Ryan: weird shit, or at least shit with balls

― Ryan Pitchfork, Monday, 17 November 2003 06:05 (twenty-two years ago)

the crystal ball confirms this

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:06 (twenty-two years ago)

i almost wish it didnt

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:07 (twenty-two years ago)

man do I ever hate people who refer to themselves in the third person. Fuck Schreiber, Kevin Shields, and Queen Elizabeth!

― hstencil, Monday, 17 November 2003 06:07 (twenty-two years ago)

surely you don't hate rickey henderson though?

― cinniblount (James Blount), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:08 (twenty-two years ago)

don't go breaking my heart stence

― cinniblount (James Blount), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:08 (twenty-two years ago)

But BIG PROPS to Bob Dole!

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:08 (twenty-two years ago)

tara reid?

― Keith Harris (kharris1128), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:09 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, you're right, I do love Rickey Henderson and Bob Dole though. Damn.

― hstencil, Monday, 17 November 2003 06:09 (twenty-two years ago)

does tara reid refer to herself in the third person?

― cinniblount (James Blount), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:10 (twenty-two years ago)

hstencil doesn't need this.

― pretending to be hstencil in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:10 (twenty-two years ago)

She did in a Rolling Stone interview I read.

― Keith Harris (kharris1128), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:11 (twenty-two years ago)

http://rm-rfstar.org/i/u/what-the-fuck.jpg

― vahid (vahid), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:11 (twenty-two years ago)

[[excuses self from ILx]]

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

GUH

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Is that Mortis?

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:13 (twenty-two years ago)

After gangrene.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:14 (twenty-two years ago)

i think the other thread could have used it more, maybe about 50 threads back.

― vahid (vahid), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:16 (twenty-two years ago)

er 50 posts.

― vahid (vahid), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:16 (twenty-two years ago)

most apropos image URL ever

― nate detritus (natedetritus), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I swear I'm a nice guy if you get to know me. I'm black, I wear nice hats, I am a fan of button-ups, I have dreary prose. I'm just doing my thing here, I don't quite see why Pitchfork has such a negative stigma.

On that note, I'd like to stake my claim as the only person, in the world, who likes "Justify My Thug". I think it's quaint.

― Rollie Pemberton (Rollie Pemberton), Monday, 17 November 2003 06:57 (twenty-two years ago)

What are button-ups?

― d k (d k), Monday, 17 November 2003 07:40 (twenty-two years ago)

"I don't wear jerseys, I'm 30-plus/Give me a nice pair of jeans, nigga, button-ups" - Jay-Z

You know, button-up, short sleeve dress shirts.

― Rollie Pemberton (Rollie Pemberton), Monday, 17 November 2003 08:09 (twenty-two years ago)

(Rollie, dude, don't tap the glass! Just look and move on ... )

― Chris Dahlen (Chris Dahlen), Monday, 17 November 2003 13:24 (twenty-two years ago)

does ethan still write for pitchfork?

― robin (robin), Monday, 17 November 2003 13:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Surely I can't be the only person who thought that this was just an incredible spot-on parody until they scrolled down the page?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 17 November 2003 13:41 (twenty-two years ago)

does ethan still write for pitchfork?

Yeah, as Mullah Omar, primarily in the WATW section. I think he went to prison and converted to Islam? I don't really know how he works. Great writer though.

― Chris Dahlen (Chris Dahlen), Monday, 17 November 2003 14:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Except he doesn't actually appear in this review now!

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 November 2003 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

What does it say about pfork that rs has to come out and do a whole "see we have this guy called etc. and this is his shtick -- get it!" thing?

i mean, was the shtick too SUBTLE before!

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Monday, 17 November 2003 17:12 (twenty-two years ago)

omg I heart Brent D!!

― Sonny A. (Keiko), Monday, 17 November 2003 17:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Hey, Clover, it wasn't clarification for the readership, it was a diss. If Ethan did to you what he did to me at 5am this morning, man... And then I see this! Oh man. The gall of this kid! Do I just love the abuse?

― Ryan Schreiber, Monday, 17 November 2003 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Mullah Omar's "unpublishable" 0.0 review, all caveats implied for being written at 5 a.m. and trying self indulgence as joke AGAIN but whatever:

0.0: Why I Stopped Listening To Jay-Z

I won't bother with more than six or seven examples, but 2003 was a weirdly lazy year considering he's never been more famous; barely-charting singles "La La La" and "Excuse Me Miss", pathetically dropping out of the 50 Cent tour mid-summer, half-laminated guest verses on State Property Chain Gang and that unforgiveable Outkast album, gray loungin' on the cover of--

...Is there anyone out there that you like, besides Dre from OutKast? Do you even listen to rap?

I like fucking Coldplay and shit. And I'm still on Jill Scott's whole album. And I like John Mayer, surprisingly. I think that's fresh, I'll fuck with him. But as far as rap... fuck. Eminem is, you know, it gets no more creative. 50 Cent's energy is needed when everybody's making the sing-song, sing-along song....

[XXL Vol. 7 No. 11, December 2003]

--and, really, not much else, its been low profile.

Remember last year, that track on the Missy album, and Jay's verse was okay on that declawed hyper-referential Mad Skillz kinda tip, but then the chorus was all "remember back in the day, blah blah blah, hiphop has chaaa-aaanged"? Thats what this is like, except its not the chorus, it's like Jay set out to reverse the old Meth rap critic dis and decided that its how critics talk should dictate his life more than the fans or the streets or himself. His lyrics are all about making records, and then VH1 confessional stuff. In the 1970s some people made singer-songwriter folk guitar records, and rock critics liked them, I think because they were about the singer-songwriter's life and because they were "true" instead of some universally-appealing artifice and (this is an undeserving parenthetical, and really I should avoid biting the hand that meagerly feeds me, but I was assigned the Eminem-produced track based on my "personality", what is this bullshit?! Embarrassingy Jay and Em both fell out my must-listen top five a long time ago and now I really can't get amped up by either, though at least Em doesn't hate hiphop) making thug rhymes or returning to the streests, because no this isn't a "return to the streets" for a damn minute, if he wants to be so gully why is he making moody, introspective home-listening songs? The whole retirement gimmick is fine with me too maybe if Jay's rock critic-happy ass stops making "albums" he'll actually make some club tracks and write some tight rhymes again instead of this total cop-out.

(Thats how I felt when I heard it once, so I gave up on Jay-Z.)

I never understood how or why heads gave up on Jay-Z after Reasonable Doubt, I mean yeah it's good by mid-90s standards but still too conservative productionwise and timid lyrically for a supposed hottest album (I'd rate it as Dynasty Roc La Familia, then Vol. 3, then Blueprint 2, and then after that it sort of blands out to the first Blueprint and Vol.2 and Reasonable Doubt all evenly matched). So yeah, given that, he has said some inexcusably ponderous shit before, but even then I still could probably name--

10) Ja Rule ft. Jay-Z and DMX - "Its Murda"
9) "Parking Lot Pimpin"
8) Too $hort ft. Jay-Z - "Here We Go" (J.D. Remix)
7) "The Watcher 2"
6) Puff Daddy ft. Notorious B.I.G. and Jay-Z - "Young G's"
5) "Brooklyn's Finest"
4) freestyle over B2K - "Bump Bump Bump"
3) "Reservoir Dogs"
2) "Change The Game"
1) "So Ghetto"

--his ten streetest verses just entirely off the dome. No its not about fucking "selling out", or "pop appeal", or whatever the fuck, Jigga stayed mad fucking real when he blew up off money and girls and just some wild-out party shit, and I'm really fucking mad now, because now suddenly he wants to be fucking Common and Talib!?!? For fuck's sake Jay why don't you just idolize the fucking Cream of Wheat guy!?! I remember when Hov used to come out with just some random gangsta throwaway line and it was so gangsta that you'd nod like, "damn... goddamn, yes!!", and make that quick teeth-sucking sound of agreement and awe (not quite the one you make for a fine girl or man but similar). This song is the first time I've ever cringed at a Jay-Z line. So look, I'm gonna come straight from the heart and the soul now. Listen up y'all, this is the real me, I'm speaking truthfully. The rest of this review was insincere and phony. I want to dedicate this, in second person. Jigga, I love you. I copped every album and I know every rhyme. I'm not going to cop this one. I'm going to buy G-Unit. -- Mullah Omar

― ----, Monday, 17 November 2003 19:13 (twenty-two years ago)

I like it. I like the tone - sometimes I wish you'd write a little more like this more often. However, you had to know this wasn't going to fit in the Jay-Z review.

― dleone (dleone), Monday, 17 November 2003 19:26 (twenty-two years ago)

man if Ethan ever writes a book I am BUYING that fucker

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Monday, 17 November 2003 19:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Pretty damn beautiful writing, this. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 17 November 2003 19:44 (twenty-two years ago)

"after that it sort of blands out to the first Blueprint"

Isn't this the same cat who wrote this review:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/j/jay-z/blueprint.shtml

If this is supposed to some kind of alter ego shit, it's really really not funny.

― Josh Love (screamapillar), Monday, 17 November 2003 19:46 (twenty-two years ago)

whatever man, read the byline on that article.

― vahid (vahid), Monday, 17 November 2003 19:56 (twenty-two years ago)

fiddo's crystal ball could not have forseen that the luke vibert review would be the worst thing published on p-fork today.

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 November 2003 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

yawn

― nate detritus (natedetritus), Monday, 17 November 2003 23:59 (twenty-two years ago)

wow, that vibert review is next-level shit. as in shit. im pretty taken aback...

― ambrose (ambrose), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 00:24 (twenty-two years ago)

actually i like the part in that review where it seems like he can't sort out what kind of stance he wants to take on the Belleville 3 so he lets YOU make the call.

― vahid (vahid), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 00:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I think the Babbletron review was yesterday's worst. It's just flat out wrong. The best part of that record is DJ Pre's production; the contributions from RJD2 (throwaway) and MF Doom (a mess) just amplify this fact.

― scott m (mcd), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 14:34 (twenty-two years ago)

The chorus [of Dirt Off Your Shoulder}is about shedding a stigma, about the actualization of a capitalist dream, about legitimacy, about arrival--

Maybe I'm oversimplifying here, but why am I the only one who thinks this is about a DANCE MOVE??

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

what idm is for: enough endeavouring to want to make acid house palatable to someone senselessly resistant to it

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe someone else mentioned it already but in that Jay-Z review Ryan S says "Change Clothes" is the worst Neptunes production since "Pass The Courvoisier". WTF? "Pass The Courvoisier" is awesome!

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Tuesday, 18 November 2003 23:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, what the fuck was that?

― Colin Beckett (Colin Beckett), Wednesday, 19 November 2003 04:13 (twenty-two years ago)

i was going to say something but then i remembered that "where's your head at" was a terrible single

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Wednesday, 19 November 2003 08:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh the intricate politics of internet music critic society!

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Wednesday, 19 November 2003 10:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Wheels within wheels motherfuckers!

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Wednesday, 19 November 2003 10:28 (twenty-two years ago)

haha that vibert review, "WHAT IS THIS NEW FOUND NOSTALGIA IN HOUSE MUSIC"

It certainly didn't exist back in the day.

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 19 November 2003 10:54 (twenty-two years ago)

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