The UK Top 40, 30/11/2003

Oh dear. For the first time since I started doing this, I’ve chosen to turn the radio off during the chart. Well, it is only the albums chart, but still. You see, when running down albums they have a tendency to skip the tracks of old bands. This week, however, an exception is made. No, not for the Pet Shop Boys, for although their complete singles compilation was out this week, it hasn’t made the top 20.

No, it’s the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

With ‘Under The Bridge’.

Wes introduces this as “classic Chilli Peppers.”

Having seen this week’s All New Top Of The Pops, I was ready to enjoy Wes by comparison. So much for all that…

Also:

a) it is worth noting once more that the Pet Shop Boys’ singles compilation isn’t in the top 20. Britain Has Failed.

b) Michael Buble and Cliff Richard both re-enter the top 20. Both appeared on Children in Need last Friday. Wes seems hesitant to make the link like he did after Elton being on Pop Idol resulted in his album climbing.

c) Lemar #15 – have you forgotten how great Dance (With U) is?

d) Alex Parks #5. Wes says “Alex Parks’” like it’s pronounced “Alex Park’s”, thus making her sound like a rugby league ground.

e) Alex Parks’ version of ‘Mad World’ blows the Gary Jules one out of the water. But he got there first, so she had to release her one that sounds like Coldplay as her single instead. Plus which Fame Academy is about ORIGINAL TALENT, not releasing covers, despite the fact that’s all they ever performed on the programme. Ah well.

f) Westlife are number 1. Well done Westlife.

New Entries Outside The Top 40: Mary J Blige ft. Eve #40 (her man does her wrong, so she gets Eve in to shout at him. Rubbishly); Room 5 featuring Oliver Cheatham #38 (remember ‘Make Luv’? So do they. So they’ve decided to do it again, but with different lyrics this time. EXACTLY as rubbish, mind); Dizzee Rascal #30 (Wes interviews him. It is one of the worst things ever. He asks him why he’s spelt ‘Jus A Rascal’ as ‘Jus’ instead of ‘Just’. Wes says that if he dropped the last letter of his name, he’d be called ‘We’. No, Wes, you’d be called ‘Twa’. Dizzee is not impressed. Bless ‘im. Quality single too – I will listen to his album tomorrow, honest); The Coral #23 (a bit like ‘Dreaming Of You’, but slightly lacking the springiness of step that had. Still quite good in a nu-wave of skiffle-pop type way, though, and definitely the best single they’ve had off this album); and Meatloaf #21 (A Meatloaf Single. You know exactly how this goes, and will enjoy/hate it accordingly).

20) NO DOUBT – It’s My Life (NEW ENTRY)

A cover of the old Talk Talk song, which sounds more or less the same as the old Talk Talk song but with Gwen Stefani singing instead of Him Out Of Talk Talk singing. Thus, it isn’t as good. They probably have their own reasons for not covering ‘It’s My Life’ by Dr Alban.

19) BLAZIN’ SQUAD – Flip Reverse

Wes is incessantly bigging up All New Top Of The Pops and Blazin’ Squad’s performance thereon. Not talking about that here, cos I’m doing an article for Stylus on that on Tuesday. Suffice to say, though, that that was not the best piece of Blazin’ Squad related telly this week. Rather, that was Simon Amstell talking to them on Popworld this morning. Scenario – Blazin’ Squad performing at Popworld’s big concert thing this week, and rehearsing their version of ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ by Slade, as all the acts performing are doing A Christmas Song. Amstell is Jewish – the discussion went thus:

AMSTELL: So, do you know if any of the acts are doing a song for Hannukah?

(Two of Blazin’ Squad look rather blank)

A: You know, the Jewish festival? Anyone doing a song for the Jewish community?

SQUAD MEMBER #1: Erm, I dunno… you’d have to ask them.

A: You don’t know if anyone’s doing a Hannukah song, then.

SM #1: Umm, nah…

SM #2: Umm… we’re doing a Slade song.

18) LIMP BIZKIT – Behind Blue Eyes (NEW ENTRY)

“No-one knows what it’s like/To be the bad man/To be the sad man.” As sung by Fred Durst. The boy Does Not Learn. Anyway, BIZ-KIT are all quiet and acoustic and ‘down-tempo’ on this song from the soundtrack to the New Smash Hit Halle Berry Film ‘Gothika’. Have a guess if she’s in the video. Now guess if Fred gets to snog her. Mmm-hmm.

17) KYLIE MINOGUE – Slow

So then. The Pet Shop Boys. ‘PopArt’ is the sort-of box set, containing two CDs (unless you get the three-CD set which has an additional CD of mixes that I haven’t listened to yet), and it’s essential, really. Packaged simply yet wonderfully, with a photo-montage of their various looks throughout their career in place of a long and pointless article by Someone From MOJO Magazine, and all the top 20 hits. You’ll love it, really you will. Best thing about it – they open with ‘Go West’. Balls of brass.

16) ENRIQUE IGLESIAS – Addicted

Pitman:

“Take a chill pill/In fact, overdose and die.”

Well, maybe not die… but don’t release any more singles. And issue a ban on all your previous ones being played anywhere ever again. Thanks.

15) BLINK-182 – Feeling This (NEW ENTRY)

Ooh, they go mature = ooh, they sound like Jimmy Eat World. Well done Blink. I still don’t give a toss for you, but this must be a great victory in some way that I don’t recognise because I Have Sold Out or something.

14) FATMAN SCOOP! CROOKLYN CLAN! – Be Faithful

Great Advances In The World Of Me Liking Fatman Scoop This Week – I realise it’s called ‘Be Faithful’ because it rips the chorus from a song by Faith Evans. See? Me clever, hmm? Anyway – yes. Dinner not ready yet – Action! Time! Vision! Fatman Scoop is great because this song doesn’t sound like anything else in the chart, and certainly doesn’t sound like something that should actually get in the chart at all. But it’s that raw hit of THE MOMENT, like pretty much all of ‘Bring Me To Life’, ‘Move Your Feet’, ‘Big N Bashy’, the chorus of ‘Carrion’, Lemar letting go on ‘Dance (With U)’, the brass on ‘Junior Kickstart’, “Turn me awn! Turn me aw-waw-awn!”… where “An’ after the showww it’s the” is automatically followed by “Af-tuh-par-tay!” and “Gal free up de vibe an’ stop actin’ cray-zay” is automatically followed by “Breeev!”, so where “FAT MAN SCOOP!” leads “CROOKLYN CLAAAAN!” will always follow. And the whole song is that brilliant, so simple and infectious, you leap in and out cos you know exactly what’s coming next but when that fat bloke yells, we all yell along. Human nature can, every now and then, be a wonderful thing.

13) IRON MAIDEN – Rainmaker (NEW ENTRY)

And you know how this goes too. I took so long writing the Fatman Scoop entry that I’ve forgotten, though. Think the lyrics were of the order of “HE IS THE RAINMAKER! HE MAKES IT RAIN!”, and the guitars were very, very loud and fast and grr. And it went on a while. And featured drums. Generally, better than the Darkness.

12) LEMAR – 50/50

I was a bit distracted by dancing to this as well. Even if the album’s supposedly a bit average, this lad will go places. Best of all, as my mum pointed out, “He seems like a nice man.” That, of course, is what really matters.

11) BRITNEY SPEARS ft. MADONNA – Me Against The Music

My mum also pointed out while watching ANTOTP that Gareth Gates “is ugly”. Now that’s perception.

10) OUTKAST – Heyyyyyyy Ya

This is still in the top 10. Looking at it, there are some utter class records in the chart now. When this, Fatman and Wee Kev were all right next to each other the other week, I was dancing like FULE. There are some proper irresistible songs around right now, and this is most assuredly one of them. It ain’t exactly a golden age, but it’s not half bad.

9) JA RULE – Reigns (NEW ENTRY)

Then again, there’s this too. “Ain’t nobody loves me/Wish someone would come down and hug me.” Toto’s ‘Africa’ is sampled, and the chorus is changed to “I think the rain is falling Murrr-der.” Ja, people don’t hate you because you’re pop. They hate you because you’re shit.

8) BUSTED – Crashed The Wedding

Or ‘Crashed At The Wedding’, as the TOTP voiceover would have it. Apparently might be splitting because Charlie wants to be in a band that PROPERLY APPRECIATE SPARKLEHORSE and stuff. Hmm. Right.

7) KEVIN LYTTLE – Turn Me On

And where “Oooh yey yey” leads, “Ooh yey yey” will most certainly follow…

6) ALEX PARKS – Maybe That’s What It Takes

ANTOTP played two of last week’s eleven new entries on its BBC1 show (there was a show on BBC3 too, but no-one gives a toss). This wasn’t one of them. Furthermore, in his intro to Will Young’s performance, Tim “Have You Ever Been To A Harvester?” Kash laid the diss on David Sneddon. Do you think the Beeb might be sending Alex a message there?

5) MICHAEL JACKSON – One More Chance (NEW ENTRY)

Produced and written with R Kelly. Perhaps not entirely advisable given recent events, but the bits Kelly does he does well – it all drives along nicely in the background, and has got a nice, solid chorus. But if Jacko ever had magic, it’s deserting him on this. There’s something not terribly right about it, like Jacko’s pushing all the buttons but they just go ‘click’ instead of doing anything. It’s alright… but that’s all it is.

4) GIRLS ALOUD – Jump

This is growing on me though. I mean, Nadine Coyle is a lead-vocal-hogging solo-career-aspiring bint, but she can yell very volubly indeed. All the sincerity of a utilities executive, but this isn’t as bad as it used to be.

3) WESTLIFE – Mandy

This will always suck, though.

2) SHANE RICHIE – I’m Your Man (NEW ENTRY)

Oh. I thought everyone laaaahved Alfie Moon… oh well. This song isn’t really too fantastic, Richie belts out the old Wham! Number with the expected “makes up in volume what it lacks in tune” gusto, as backed by the BBC Special Event Orchestra having a day off from doing jingles for Holiday In The Sun or something similar. It’s not terribly loathsome, but it’s not much cop either.

1) WILL YOUNG – Leave Right Now (NEW ENTRY)

Oh, I wish I had something interesting to say here… this is a decent ballad. Nothing that makes you want to scratch your eyes out or suchlike, aside from maybe his pronunciation of ‘made’, and certainly preferable to his previous work along with anything Gawiff or Darius have ever come up with. He’s held off a big record too… here to stay? Could be interesting. Eventually. Just not right now.