Metal Mike Saunders on American Idol

AMERICAN IDOL - 3/16 Top 12 Heat

Last night's Top 12 American Idol heat: I am POSITIVE there must have been something bigtime messed up/f*cked up with the stage's (vocal/music) monitors for the singers. Singer after singer after singer botched up their intonation--especially two of the three "girls". (as in "my girls," of white and Hawaiian extract).)...Like the one who locked-up stone cold flat on "You Keep Me Hanging On,"(Denise?) and poor Hawaii's LEAH who has a wonderful vocal sound but was absolutely petrified the minute her fourth line of "Son OF A Preacher Man" fell off a cliff. i played it back, her vocal sound was wonderful for the first three lines...then it headed south on the 4th line, and after that point she imitated (vocally, i'm not even talking about her "firing squad already? i thought it was just coffee break time!" frozen terrified facial expression) a dead deer in the headlights& nbsp; She couldn't even keep up with the beat, and "Son Of A Preacher Man"'s a slooow song. .

Jasmine (the 3rd "girl," from Hawaii not San Francisco, with the flower in her hair) has nice chops and range, but her voice is completely indistinctive. It's just, nothing. I think that's what Simon said. I'm not in Jasmine's fan club anymore altho she's sweet and the flower in her hair is fine...Hey, HOKU was much sweeter and wore better flowers.

I finally realized Geofge is NOT a Temptation. He's the 3rd member of the Four Tops---when he cuts loose, he's got some real power. And like the Four Tops (Levi Stubbs), his intonatoin is for shit. He hasn't hit even half the notes on pitch in anything he's done. And jeez.....smiling, doing washer/dryer spin circles like "Dock Of The Bay" is some kind of Barney Singalong. helllllo george? "Dock Of The Bay" was a pensive song, and overrated Otis died right after (during?) its chart run. please. don't smile when you're singing it. but i love George, off key notes and all. He really IS a Four Top! he's the 3rd Four Top. not even a 2nd lead singer. but he'd be great ripping off the occasional bridge out ojn the oldies summer circuit. He already knows all the cheesy 60's Motown stage moves. yeah, he'd be just fine on "Bernadette" and "Walk Away Renee" and "Standing In The Shadows Of Love" and alla those Four Tops songs I never even liked that much that first time around.

I have hated every second of Latoya London and Macy Grey Jr. ( the latter whose real name I refuse to say). I can't stand (the sound of) Macy Gray's voice, so like Simon says, "it's just my personal taste that I think you suck." Ya, you suck, so go back to North Carolina. Latoya London on the other hand is just hideous. I have no clue what the judges like about her. She howls through everything and her rhythmic sense is for shit. She's like an out of control drummer who can't come out of a drum roll on the beat. . Last night she had big intonation problems, but so did everybody else. Latoya--shut up, before I strangle you. Anyone who sings "All By Myself" should be shot. . SHE CHOSE THAT SONG. Jeeeesus christ in fuck almighty.

Ahhh...the big idiot football player guy who sang "Too Hot Too Handle" like a bar audtioin night reject and grinned about it--dude, yo stewpid. ya y'all footballl players got y'all's brains knocked around 'n over for shit, y'all huh? I agree with Simon's amusement---how the fuck again is this guy still here? He's not in the Top 1,000 of karaoke singers. Let's shoot all football players who try to sing too. Two words: the Chicago Bears shuffle. Ok, three.

Some ginning ninny from Bakerfield with red hair and a career job at the hair salon was let into the competition by mistake. She once heard a Stylistics song in her sleep, and thinks that's how you're supposed to sing it---as if you're asleep. I hated her at Day 1, and now she's really wearing out the welcome she never had. Go fucking live under the Bakersfield sign, Miss Annoying Ninny girl, if you like it so much. Don't worry, you can still run away to join the Broadway musicals you love so much.

The red haired kid who "sings like Sinatra" is useless. He's got nice phrasing and vibrato, very close to Mel Torme...but his vocal sound is zip. Utterly bland and undistinguished. Hell, Buddy Greco's old albums that clutter up the "Easy Listening" reject vinyl dollar bins, cut the hell out of this 16 year old overachiever. Hope ya have fun in the swimming pool, kid. It's as close to show biz as you're ever gonna get. . Kid: you're no Buddy Greco. And that is nowheresville indeed..

OH. Now I remember what Simon and I agreed on: Diana Diagarmo. Simon basically told her---to shut up. Welll I'm telling her to shut the fuck up too ( = quit singing).. She's clueless. She howls thorugh her tunes like an air raid siren gone wrong. Powerful voice and no clue which direction to point it in--she's Sammy Hagar in sweet Gerogia pigtails. Her singing style reflects her personality, I'm afraid: she's not very bright. So...shut da fuck up and go back to Georgia. Uh, she had BIG intonation problems long before tonight. Like when howled through that damn Kiki Dee song stone cold FLAT from the starting block.. She was badly off key (dead on at least, like a blind man pummeling a pinata) all thorugh "Think" Which again points to the obvious culprit: something was awry up up there with the sound system (and its vocal monitors).

On NASHVILLE STAR they have the sense to use a real auditorium stage with a full band right behind (ok, way behind) the singers). NO ONE (well, no more than the ordinary failure rate) has had these kind of pitch problems on Nashville Star, not en masse.. It was going on al through last night and I'm still bugged about it 24 hours later. The judges murdered a couple poor lambs for transgressions in the land of bad pitch, but--.it wasn't like they could stop the show and go, "what the hell? did we hire a deaf sound man at this new dipshit stage??" I sure would have. That's why I'M THE REAL THIRD JUDGE ON AMERICAN IDOL. The third fucking wheel. Randy's so useless, put him out to pasture. If I hear the word "dawg" one more time, I gonna dawg his damn sorry ass, that's for sure. Yeah, Randy, we know you're heard the original by Aretha. Like wow. You're stunned that Simon hasn't heard any mu sic that was cut before 1976? Jeez. Which letter of PWL are you having trouble spelling, Randy? Ya dawg ya. I hope Randy gets larygitis and loses his voice for the next six weeks.

So, it's not Diana Diagarmo's fault that them there Geyawgia peeps gave her a skimpy DNA and she's not sharp enough to realize that he realllly needs some coaching, not to mentoin life xperience. Two words: SAT study courses. Come back when you break triple digits. I'm not being harsh. This girl is (musically) stewypid.

Speaking of the two singers left standing who are expreienced and they show it---.

My two favorites haven't changed form day 1. Hell, now that we've sent George out on the summer amusement park oldies circuit wiith the Four Top, they're all we have left. (Jasmine with the nice vocals chops but faceless voice can just be put to work putting flowers n their hair). In my universe, one of them should win. And the other one should have at least as many runnerup radio hits as Clay Aiken. .

JON FROM IDAHO is awesome. He has STYLE and musical smarts...as in, a geniuinely gifted interpreter. He took two songs I postively hate, I mean really fucking hate, and made them pretty damn cool to hear reinterpreted by him (just a little--the guys is very agile rhythmically). -- "Tiny Dancer" and "Drift Away." God do I hate those songs, and god did Jon somehow make them an interesting musical experience for their three minutes combined.

The Elvis song "Little Bit Of Conversation" is a dog too, stiffed at #69 Pop stiff in 1968--.but Jon did swell things with it to blow hiimself into the Top 12 Jon the Hobbit Boy ROCKS. He's cocky/smirky as fuck because he knows he's good. And that's why he's my automatic Runner-Up american idol.

There's only one singer competing who's on a whole another planet from everybody else.:. JENNNIFER HUDSON from inner city Chicago and her lifetime of church singing.. She is GOOD, as in hella good and could be great.. Simon doesn't like good singers (esp black girls), they're too hard to bully around. But even he gives it up for Jennifer. Who also has star quality and an adorable "little sister" personality. Well, I do agree that last night she didn't choose the best possible Aretha song to fit her ("Baby I Love You."). I suspect they drew straws and dumdum Diana D won the rights to howl through both girls' first choice, "Think." And Jennifer had off/on pitch problems. Like everybody else. As a stage performer, forget it, contest over. .

Yes, for sure it was the "Best Final 12" (of three years, whoop whoop doopy doop) as the judges kept saying over and over like a Paula Abdul CD gone awry. Yeah, they are. And my favorite thrree came right out of the Wild Card round. I'm going to go back and play my Wild Card tape with my eyes closed, cause I'm not letting go of the Katie Webster thing. She had one of the coolest "dance music" voices I've heard in years. She doesn't know it, and the judges don't know it cause they don't let dance music onto the show (except for the occasional lame cover of various disco classics.).

I think the singing football player ought to do "YMCA" next round. Otherwise, just give Jennifer Hudson the trophy and send Jon straight into the contract signing room also. I really really don't want to hear the other singers anymore, ever (besides cool guy George the 3rd Four Top), they'
re starting to annoy me everytime theyopen their mouths (to sing). This week is was wack messed up intonation (EVERYBODY), who knows what it'll be next week.

Just turn the whole hour over to Jenny-L and JON THE IDAHO POTATO BOY. Jon's got 5,000 karaoke tunes up his sleeve I'm sure--I wanna hear them all.

AMERICAN IDOL 3/23 -- Two Down, Ten To Go

This week's musical genre is "country." Hoooo boy. I don't think we're going to be getting Kitty Wells, George or Loretta, Merle or Jean Shepard...or even Shania Twain. Know why? Shania has refused permission for American Idol to use any of her songs, since day one. Smart girl!

DIANA DeGARMO sings a Martina McBride ballad as if she were Rip Van Winkle sleeping, badly and OUT OF TUNE. Every fucking note. Her pitch is so flat I could iron my work shirts on it. Simon tells her she sucks, the audience boos, Paula and Randy (who like off key singing as long as it's "representing" something...actually, most of the evening Paula just comments on the singers' outfits/clothes...keeping it "real" I guess) high-five each other because...well, they're stupid motherfuckers. They should form a rap group called Da Stupid Mothafuckers. Paula could dance and Randy could yell "dawg!" a whole lot.

GEORGE HUFF lames out with the ballad "I Can Love You Like That." Why, George, why? Well, at least he sings it like one of the Four Tops. Simon tells him his clothes suck. Simon, that's Paula's job. Stick to the stuff Paula knows nothing about (like any music that's not Whitney/Celine/Mariah).

FANTASIA: I hate Macy Grey. Go, go, far far away. We're talking Greenland, hon. (She mumbles her way through Willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind"). (THREE straight ballads--man, I am just waiting for Jon Peter Lewis to whip out something like "Who Shot Sam" or "White Lightning" and wake the place up).

JON STEVENS sings "King Of The Road"--finally, a decent song. He seems confused--no one's told him Dean Martin cut all kinds of crappy country albums (Dean "Tex" Martin Rides Again from 1963, among others) in between the Bristol Stomp and Altamont. Paula babbles some incoherent shit about Jon's "Dum de dum"s--shut UP. I am so sick of Paula and Randy I'm going heat seeking missile shopping tomorrow.

CAMILLE VELASCO used to be one of my three favorite "girls" (with Jasmine and the departed Leah) until her massacre of "Son of a Preacher Man" last week put her on a one way ticket to the glue factory. Uhhhh. She's singing the Eagles' "Desperado." A bad song, sung really badly. She has horrendous pitch problems. I mean as stone cold flat as a live-televison Lila McCann performance. But Lila's a real country singer. Camille--you're out of my will even if you were my granddaughter. Don't cry, c'mon--I'll let you live in the guest house with the hired help.
Randy criticizes Camille for putting a "hip hop" vibe into the song. Dude. She sang a bad song really badly--whoa. Simon nails her point blank: "Out. Of. Tune." Yeah, no shit. Commercial break.

JENNIFER HUDSON sings the uptempo "No One Else" by Wyonna Judd. It is GOOD. Ha. An uptempo rock/soul tune by a country artist, snuck through the rule book. Jenny-L is by five miles the best female vocalist left. I know this, she knows it, and it seems like a lot of people in the audience agree. All three judges make stupid, clueless comments. Then Paula and Randy backtrack after Simon's closing comment blows way through the clueless ceiling to the "i'm an idiot and i'm deaf" attic, and they say Jennifer is Top 5 material. Pssssh. Top 1. Unless Jon Peter Lewis shows up overnight reincarnated as the son of Elvis, the Beatles, and Bon Jovi all combined.

JON PETER LEWIS....boy. Once again, Idaho Hobbit Jon sings a wretched song and makes it entertaining: Kenny Rogers' "She Believes In Me." Man, i never thought I'd hear myself saying that. The audience luuuuuuuuuvs him. Yeah, me too, and i'm not even female (or gay). This guy is GOOD. Great vocal tones, ditto his phrasing, neat tight controlled vibrato--his voice is honest to god distinctive.

JASMINE TRIAS is the last one up from my original three "girls." They show lots of her baby/kid pictures--she's adorable. Uh oh. She sings "Breathe" by Faith Hill, a truly lame song. Parts of it are tortuous (and out of tune, flat); some parts are cute--she has a terrific high range. I close my eyes, and for the umpteeth time in a row, her voice has no character at all unless she's way up in her upper range. I like a cute girl with high vocal range as much as anyone, but her stale date is gonna be sooner than we thought.

MATT ROGERS sings "Amazed" by Lone Star. Well, I told ya we weren't going to be getting George Jone singing the hits of 1957. This fat slob is so clueless he can't even sing country. Maybe he's waiting for the "heavy metal" round, when he'll break out his Iron Maiden mascot outfit. Ya think?
Simon uses the word "nauseating" and "horrible" in the same sentence describing Matt's singing. Dude, you're being kind.

LATOYA LONDON. I repeat, for the fifteenth time, anyone who chooses to sing "All By Myself" of their own free will SHOULD BE SHOT. Well Miss Shoot Me Now doesn't slack off now that it's country time: she's chosen a lame Garth Brooks "rocker" called "Ain't Going Down Till The Sun Comes Up" that she sings with all the rhythmic dexterity of Pat Boone on pep pills. La Toya: go die.

It's a shame Jasmine Trias has no real vocal sound because, in the "country line dancing class" they sent the natives to during the week with its accompanying footage...jeez, she's cute. She's the first hot musical Filipino girl since the Millington sisters in Fanny. Who definitely did not play no Garth Brooks songs.

Finally, it's all over. AMY ADAMS combines the worst of broadway, off-broadway, and six blind men playing foosball on Ladies Night, in a mangling of the Dixie Chicks' "Sin Wagon." Dude, it's awful.

Back up the truck, Chuck, I'm goin' home.

sunny west wrote:
What song would you have sung? i 100% would have sung "Queen of Hearts"/Juice Newton, whom I retardedly have an aoutographed photo of (at least a friend sent it to me). The only song I've ever karaokeed.

mike wrote:

if I was a black/white girl with a big voice, in the Final 12? I'd have no chance of winning because i'd have a "bad attitude," so I would make my political-musical statement and just let the chips fly:

It'd be a 90's dance hit of course. Since you're playing to the audience, NOT the judges, it'd have to be a big Top 10 pop hit and one instantly recognizable to the audience. Like for instance-- WHAT IS LOVE/Haddaway (that SNL used to goof on). This song'd have to have a long introduction so I could booty shake/dance at the edge of stage, and nice (instrumental) gaps so I could continue same when i wasn't singing.

I'd introduce the song: "it seems like the judges have a complete disrespect for dance music. anyone who agrees with me, get up in the aisles and DANCE!" yeh it'd blow the roof off. specially cause i'd stripper-like tear off my first layer of clothing off during the long intro, and have a hot dance-club-singa outfit on (neon purple hotpants? i mean i'm a gurl in this scenario after all)

but if I was in the Final Two showdown and a femme vocalist (black or white) with a great big voice? easy. again, it'd have to be a giant pop hit of the last 10 years, instantly recognizable by the crowd/audience, AND a great song, AND one you could put a lot of emotion into and connect with the live/TV audience.

yep, Max Martin's greatest hit tune/production: "That's The Way It Is" by Celine. on a good loud stereo the rhythm track to that sucka is as powerful as any Phil Spector classic (yet oddly tinny when heard from overhead speakers in a dollar-store's background shopping music). AND the song edits perfectly...1st verse/chorus, jump to the monstroso bridge/key change, and into the the last chorus (since the show never allows entire songs to be song, apparently). there's plentya spots in the tune to show off vocal range. .

special clothing? courtesy the "7-Up / Yours" crew. The girls' top would say

I AM

on the front.

i wouldn't turn around until the bridge, starting from planted sideways (the first two lines), then another 90 degrees to be facing backward during the next two lines, showing the back of my bright top which says:

YOUR
AMERICAN
iDoL

then i pivot around and plant my feet a split second before the bridge does its big vocal jump on the world "alllllll" then into the key charge (and then the last chorus).. (and lots of extended arm finger-pointing in all the key places).

i'd be cocky as fuck. Ryan would ask me how i thought i did, and i'd say, "I won."

this is America, we love cocky contesetnts.

of course this "i'm all that/cocky" strategy only works if you go LAST (of the two finalists).

the Max production/tune is absolutely one of the best ten pop hits/songs of all time, it'd be unstoppable. after editing out the 2nd verse/chorus, that still leaves a full 3:04 to wail and connect the musical dots for the 20 million TV viewers or whatever. .

----------------------

but if I was a guy who'd made the Top 12? it's such an anti-rock, girly oriented contest/show, I'd again just make a musical-political statement.

I'd wear ripped Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirts and sing Nugent classics like "Stormtroopin'" and "Where Have You Been All My Life" and "Stranglehold" and "Snakeskin Cowboys" and "Hey Baby" (in other words, the entire 1st CBS Nugent album circa 1975 which is alll rock). man, i'd get enough both guy AND girl votes ( = tight jeans on the backside) to hang around for a while before the judges removed me bodily from the contest.

George Smith wrote:
Heh -- "Stormtroopin'" and "Stranglehold" nearly have no lyrics to sing. I always thought of 'em as instrumentals with vocal punctuations added on to satisfy the record producer. Your all right with "Just What the Doctor Ordered," "Snakeskin Cowboys," and "Hey Baby" since they were St. Holmes vehicles. "Hey Baby," in fact, would be a quite capital choice. A big hack TV band and orchestra would make the R&B lick terrific for a belter to sing against.

mike replied:

yeh--every chump in the world wears a AC/DC t-shirt and think that makes them "rock" instead of just wearing the same shirt as 5,000 other mallster clones. unoriginal. i think a T shirt customized to read

Lynyrd
Skynyrd
kicks your
ASS

would be pretty catchy on the american idol stage

(with the last three words marked in by hand)

in the last-32-down-to-8 round there was a San Juaquin Valley waitress/cheerleader girl who freaked the judges out cause she sang "Some Kind Of Wonderful" (grand funk, tho technically a cover) in a feet-planted legs-spread crouch "like a bar singer!"--Marissa Joy. she was a cutie too, all the ex-cheerleader energy. oh yeah, a regular future hootchie mama. you know she's sung "Hey Baby" in someone's rec room at some point in time. her ai site bio said she was moving to orange country to live with one of the other round-32's who didn't make it (the big blonde girl). she's born/raised in Fresno--where else?

Fantasia is my favorite.

Dude, Nick....DUDE....dawg, what's UP! you really did your thing with that post, dog! You were a little pitchy at the end but overall I was feelin' it.

Priceless.

That's it!

I like Fantasia best too. But Simon is the real star of that show.

http://rockcritics.com/metal_mike_interview.html

Metal Mike: Meltzer's a lot older than me, or I should specifically say WAS. He was like 26 when I was a 19 year old headbanger in 1971 (saying and writing good things about Grand Funk and Black Sabbath, who at that time weren't touched with a 20 foot stick by anyone else in the rock prozines except Lester Bangs). So I would interpret this as a piece of older brother - younger brother criticism. Who knows what he meant, since explanation is not found in any of the VOM lyrics (recorded or unrecorded...our set had about 14 originals w/Meltzer lyrics, plus "My Eyes Have Seen You" and "Louie Louie").

AMERICAN IDOL 3/30/03 -- If It Wasn't So Bad I'd Feel Sad (by Metal Mike)

I'm not looking forward to any of this, after last week. That and seeing that my two favorites since-day-one, Jennifer "Aretha Jr." Hudson and Jon "Hobbit Boy" Peter Lewis, are only placing middling-to-poorly in the "who will be cut next" internet opinion polls.

CAMILLE VELASCO opens with "For Once In My Life." Wanky greeting card song, sung badly of course. Jeez why is she, I mean--who the hell let her into the Top 12 a month ago? (Ed--dingbat Paula, out of the Wild Card round, who'd you think?). This is so leaden it sounds like a dead karaoke singer wiring it in by sea mail. Randy and Simon suggest that Camille make her next stop at the AICPA. Ohhh yeah. I'll drive the doggy hearse for poor Camille. She'd be out of her league singing at a bowling alley. Putting her on national TV is like shooting blind bunny rabbits on easter--not fair. .

Huh? Someone let second-rate 60's/70's Motown songwriters Ashford and Simpson on the show, seated at the judges' table. Pssssh. One great Smokey song wipes A&S's catalog out of the house, out of the yard, out of the country. Oh -- it's "Motown Week." (this bodes favorable for George Huff who gets to sing last). I can only assume that every other writer of every other Motown hit 1960 to 1970, "Shop Around" clear out to "I Want You Back," was asked but replied: "Dude, i would rather be impaled six times by a 12-foot sword than sit at the same table as Randy and Paula for sixty minutes." So would I. And my biggest hit's called "My Old Man's A Fatso."

JON PETER LEWIS does the Isleys' "This Old Heart Of Mine." I close my eyes so I can really follow his phrasing closely. Man, this guy is AWEsome. He's got the late 60's male hit vocal stylings DOWN. His phrasing and rhythm just scream, "turn the radio up, it's a hit." As you would expect, Randy and Simon make dimwitted comments that qualify them for a lifetime residence in the Idiot Farm for Deaf People.

LATOYA LONDON sings the Miracles' "Ooh Baby Baby" like a female Pat Boone impersonator. Or more precisely, daughter Debbie Boone on decaf. I say it every week. La Toya: go die. You suck. You have less rhythm (or funk) than any white person alive...and amazingly enough, you aren't even white! I'm calling in the scientists on this one.

Everyone's second-favorite Bakersfield hairdresser, AMY ADAMS, struggled with "Dancing In The Streets" like a five-foot-two white NBA point guard wearing a 6" afro. Man! Amy has a new haircut/coloring that is really cute! Then she opens her mouth (to talk, even) and I wanna throttle her two seconds later, to make the bad noises stop. (I'm including the talking as well).

JOHN "Dean Martin" STEVENS does the worst "My Girl" since the Rolling Stones (wait, that was "Under The Boardwalk"). Go John! He hits and hold one high note starting the second verse that is pretty neat. Camille and John are definitely the lead candidates for tomorrow night's glue factory contest.

JENNIFER HUDSON fits her Aretha voice onto "Heat Wave," and it's not the best chosen singer/song match in history--A/B'ing Jenny-L's biig voice onto the smallish snarky hit vocal by Martha Reeves. Jen still finds enough holes in the lyric to fit in several of her big Aretha high-register gospel moves, really lets them rip. Yeah. For me personally though...it's hard to hear the Motown original with clean ears ever since the Who rumbled through it on the Quick One (UK) album in 1966. I would've suggested something big and boomy like "Together Til' The End Of Time" by Brenda Holloway (1965/Tamla, didn't even chart R&B) but it probably wasn't on the "song list."
Simon has a moment of clarity and the light bulb goes off over his head: he realizes Jennifer's the best girl singer he's gonna hear all month. "Extravagant, manic, mad--but good" opines Mr. Potatohead. Ah, don't let Simon into a Journey concert--the excitement'd kill him.

JASMINE TRIAS murders "You're All That I Need To Get By" by Marvin & Tammi (#7 Pop, 1968). Bad variable pitch problems, colorless voice, man, it's just plain bad. The audience whoops and hollers cause she's cute. But so is Hilary Duff's older sister Haylie. Is she on American Idol? I have no answer for this complex rhetorical question, so I go to the bathroom during the commercial break.

Oh dear god oh no, it's DIANA DeGARMO, still on furlough from the trailer park in Georgia. She sings what used to be the Contours' "Do You Love Me." Omigod. Omigod. Omigod. This is actually and honestly one of the absolute worst vocal interpretations (with performance to match) in the history of anywhere, anytime, anyplace, and i mean in the history of the world. Did I say last week that this girl was stupid? I did. Did I say that she was musically clueless? Yep, I think so, and dude, I underestimated her. This sounds like Dolly Parton on Saturday morning, howling at double volume from underneath a pink hairdryer at Amy Adam's "Superdupercuts $8" salon shack in East Bakersfield. (you have to live in Bakersfield to understand that joke). I think I'm going to kill myself or buy a 8:45pm ticket departing to Pluto. Anything to make this meltin g pot of aural hideousness stop.

FANTASIA has ignored my suggestion to take up residence in Greenland. Instead she wastes two and half minutes of our time with a pretty lame "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" (written by Whitfield-Strong, not Ashford-Simpson, but you knew that). Ah, ha, d'oh! I have just realized that Jennifer Hudson probably lost the coin toss for this song, too bad, she would've wailed on it. Miss Fantasia does a "yeh yeah yeh yeeeh yeh yeh yeeeeah yeh yeh eh yeh" at the end of the song that not even a Holiday Inn cover band would let out of the practice room.

GEORGE HUFF makes the mistake of choosing the Temptations' "Ain't Too Proud To Beg." Man, unless your middle name David Ruffin, you don't touch that tune. Hold it--the last chorus is cool, some high notes not on the Motown hit. You know, I think George just plain sort of semi-choked. He is not the brightest of vocal mike owners either--put him on any song 1965-1969, side by side with Jon Peter Lewis, and half pint Jon'll clean George's clock.

I'm tired of saying this. Jennifer Hudson and Jon-PL are between good to great, every time out. The rest of you singers just plain suck. Let me spell it out. S U C K. El suck-o. You suck. Spelled with a capital "K." Go home. All of you.

I gotta replay that not-to-be-believed "DOLLY DOES MOTOWN" monstrosity by Diana DeGarmo, though. The most amazing part of it is where Ryan Seacrest introduces the song, "and now singing Do You Love Me Now." Do You Love Me Now.

Man oh man. Come back O-Town, at least your last single sounded like a decent John Cougar cop!

This is possibly the most otm paragraph ever committed to ilm.

plus my daughter now has a crush on nick ashford's hair

I've decided to try and have a positive attitude about this. Overnight by dint of my Positive Mental Attitude, all singers involved will hereby have woken up this morning transformed into the living reincarnations of "Thriller" Michael Jackson or 1967 Aretha Franklin. Jennifer Hudson's already got the spitting vocal image of the latter down, so we're 1/9th of the way there even before pancakes time.

My positive attitude ends when our host reveals that the entire evening will be devoted to Elton John songs. Arrrrgggggh. Why, god, why? Aren't there just as many cool Billy Joel songs? Like, say, three? I have hated Elton John's music since the first five seconds of that lame "Your Song" tune in early 1971. And i'm not gonna change my opinion now. Ahh, fuckit, I'm a big boy, bring it on.

FANTASIA is first -- I don't even know what the hell the name of this song is! Some dopey assed ballad. I hate this grrrl's voice, and whenever she goes "yeh yeh yhuh yeh" I want to kill anything within buckshot range starting with my cat. Simon tells her that she screeched (like a cat), and that her singing sucks bigtime. Man. Simon is my hero for the next sixteen seconds.

JON PETER LEWIS, what do you know. I love this guy. He sings "Rocket Man" (a song I have heretofore hated, and resume hating an hour later after the show) like a cocky dwarf doing a great world class 1958 Mel Torme impersonation. Seriously, he drops certain words right in front of/ahead of the beat just like a good jazz singer. Jon hits all kinds of notes and phrasings that aren't in the (lameass) original hit. Hell, it's waay better. Elton himself (in the canned "color" footage from during the week): "Good pitch, great phrasing." Yep. Paula, Randy, and Simon haven't the vaguest idea of what a "Mel Torme vocal" might be--it's like the great divide between freshman Calculus 101 and a rabbit frantically figuring out how to get out of the giant hat. Physics -- or jazz singer phrasing -- just ain't gonna figure into it.

JASMINE TRIAS starts singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Two lines in, I want to kill myself. The first high note she attempts (and falls short of by at least a full one-third pitch/tone), I want to kill her too. She is so resolutely flat it's like listening to a neighborhood high school glee club reject train-wreck auditionee who mistakenly huffed the entire glue bottle thinking it was her asthma inhaler. We're talking astonishingly, wackassedly flat. Randy and Paula throw around the world "pitchy." Psssht -- oh well, I'd be deaf forever too if (my name was Paula Abdul and) I'd had to listen to an entire Paula Abdul album on loud studio headphones. Simon kindly points out to Jasmine that her performance sucked.

JON STEVENS performs the equivalent of public gay sexual acts (the ones with gerbils, or worse) on Elton's best (only?) rock song, "Crocodile Rock." Wow. The "la, la la la la la" bridge is beyond gay. Man! Astonishingly bad, i find myself laughing like it's a Gong Show taping. This guy has just made Pat Boone sound like James Hetfield! Amazing. The judges struggle to try and find words for the hopeless gas chamber audition they just saw. Simon doesn't mince words: "the musical equivalent of an Edward Wood movie." Yes! "Excruciating." And hilarious. Go Jon!

CAMILLE VELASCO is still around. Crazy. That's like musical random chaos theory at work. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" gets kicked around like a leaking beach ball. I hate the song anyway, so I kinda enjoy hearing the bizarre shit she puts it through. She's also out of tune in about five different ways (flaaaat being her favorite). Randy is in love with the worlds "pitchy" and "rangy"; Paula favors "shaky"; Simon's just plain pissed off that he had to listen to this girl still once again and no one can explain why. He tells her: "Elton John's going to throw a TV set out of his window when he hears that!" Man. Rock riot at the Hyatt House!

GEORGE HUFF and "Take Me To The Pilot" are a rather dodgy match, like the Four Tops doing "If I Were A Carpenter." He hits some cool high notes during the last verse/chorus, and all three judges act like they just got reprieved from death row. It's actually pretty mediocre.

DIANA DeGARMO is gonna sing "I'm Still Standing." This is a kinda cool song (and with a snappy beat), and the world-heavy verse/lyrics disguise the fact that DeGarmo has never sung one note dead on in tune in her entire life. The judge aren't fooled, and nary an encouraging word is said after Miss Trailer Park Georgia 2004 has finished.

LATOYA LONDON does "Someone Saved My Life Tonight' which is a pretty ok ballad. And man, once again this howling amusical nitwit has NO sense of rhythm. It's like watching a human wind-up singing-toy that's stamped "DEFECTIVE" on the back. Lots of bad (offkey) notes. Simon calls her a "wedding singer." Ha ha...not at my fucking wedding you don't. In about five minutes, plus a commercial, LaToya is going to get blown back to whatever shrimp boat farm she came from, and will in good time return to.

Elton John on the evening's last contestent: "blew me away...she sent chills up my spine." (from more canned earlier "hanging with Elton John" footage). "Circle Of Life" sung by JENNIFER HUDSON gets a straight-outta-church big ballad/giant voice rendition by one of my five favorite female singers in America. It borders a bit on Shirley Casear gospel-overkill but nonetheless blows down about half of the back wall of the auditorium. The audience suitably goes semi-crazy. Randy: "That was the best performance of the night, and your personal best of the competition." Paula: "This is who you are!" (??) Simon: "That was great."

Ok, I'm happy now.

---metal mike

Of the little bit of this show I caught last night, I must say, I'm in 100% agreement with you. I have not been following Am Idol - turned it on last night to find it's the Elton John variety show. I too, wondered...why? Was Phil Collins busy? But this is the first time I've seen the show and the first singer I caught was the guy singing Rocket Man. I thought wow, I wonder if everyone else is this good. I totally agree - it was by far the new & improved version of Rocket Man. It was so great to hear someone who wasn't so in love with their own voice that each syllable lasts for approximately 5 minutes, ala Whitney. Which brings me to the twit with the flower in her hair. Kill yourself? Kill her? Hell, yes! And line Whitney up with her! From the first nauseating, overblown, dare I say "pitchy?" strains of her first few notes all I could think of was jeez, I bet these lame judges will eat her up. At least they proved me wrong on that account. But honestly, isn't that all we need -- another female vocalist warbling over the top like her voice is spewing gold? Here's a suggestion, flower girl: Close your mouth every once in a while and give our ears a break. Make each note last less than 5 minutes apiece. Please.

(ED--yep, that's exactly right, "particle physics"--re American Idol (the country's #1 rated TV show I might point out, and with three platinum or multi-platinum graduates--Clarkson, Aiken, and Stoddard). five of the ten American Idol "finalists" last month were genuinely terrible singers even by big-city karaoke-bar or audition-night standards. but then there's inner city Chicago church-choir grad Jennifer Hudson, who might be one of the five best crossover (gospel to pop/R&B) female black voices of the last fifty years. I mean her voice/chops, and control of them, are so far off the board you can't measure it by normal standards. It makes young Aretha or Shirley Cesear look like also-rans. The TV audience of course has no reference point for this. They've grown up with the common wisdom that the last 15 years of Whitney/Mariah/Celine (and now X-Tina) caterwauling (ie, chops and nothing else... ha ha, the Great Kat comes to mind as a guitar analogy, huh? yea?) is "good singing." Randy/Paula/Simon parrot this yardstick, altho they're never consistent in anything they say before/after any two consecutive commercial breaks (if that). So, Jennifer Hudson's weekly 1-800 call-in votes on american's #1 rated TV show careen anywhere between 2nd/3rd place (of 9) (last week) to 9th place (of 10) (two weeks ago), depending on the alignment of the stars on that day. Man, i can't imagine the drama going on in that girl's head. She obviously knows she's the best singer (on AI) by a country mile, plus is charasmatic (not even counting her height, which apparently is quite tall...she's young Aretha on steroids) stage performer (and it's quite clear she can get all the way inside a song, and become possessed by it, like a great pro athlete hitting a "zone") , and she gets voted 9th one week? WTF? (even facto ring in the expected white male "bias" against big chubby black girls). I do ackowledge that it was hella funny, last wednesday night, to count/take note that the top four (of nine) vote getters...were the remaining black singers, ha ha, with the five white people trailing and four of them (white or pacific islander girls plus the failed dean martin wannabe) clearly lined up on the glue factory plank. I still maintain however that no white singer (rock/grunge/metal bands excluded) could be as horrible as whitney/mariah/celine. oh wait, what the hell race is celine anyway? "Canadian"? aren't they the mongrel out-breed of the entire western white race? just kidding, Rush is the greatest rock band of all time, and Skye Sweetnam is the first-female/next Bob Dylan. And I saw Avril play a free seven-song set at our local shopping mall yesterday afternoon. (one of these statements is actually true. Hint:&nb sp; Skye is probably instead the girl-y combination/crossbreed of Johnny Rotten, Debbie Harry, and your textbook "advanced track" honors student. which she is. i mean one of those three, in present time. you're not allowed to collect "new debbie harryjohnny rot" credentials until the debut album finally drops).

Yeah, re white singers and the eternally clueless/deaf Randy/Paula/Simon judges' trioka: if you took every single white-male-vocalist radio hit 45 single between 1967 and mid-1970 (and many of the black Top 40 hits to boot), ran them through a blender and threw in a little of the early 70's, you would get: what Jon Peter Lewis -- the Idaho Potato Hobbit Boy (presently #5 in last week's 1-800 voting, apparently...i should gratuituously note that BOTH of my "Wild Card Round" favorites are now prospective Top 5 finalists at the moment, ie Jennifer and Jon Boi). His phrasing and interpretative ability (to make a lame or mostly-lame song interesting/compelling) are close to extraordinary or near-amazing. At the least he's the best damn karaoke-catalog singer (late 60's to mid 70's) of all time. (and huh...he's a rock band veteran who has done a great deal of songwriting, power-poppish i am told...the "new Romantics" maybe? and i don't mean b oy george). idiot sheep farmers randy/paula/simon of course have no frame of reference for this. He doesn't have the male equivalent of a howling whitney/mariah/celine voice, so they throw idiotic comments at him about half the time.

just a obvous thought: if MADONNA (circa 1983) were on American Idol, she wouldn't even make the finalists' Top 10...per their blinkered voice specifications. (and the show's blatant prejudice against dance music/dance music singers). (well, along with its obvious anti-rock ethos).

here's George Smith to explain his theory on how the entire system of "music for the people, by the people" has broken down since the days of vocal groups (a la the Alley Cats/"puddin n' tain" #43 pop 1963--only allegorically, since billy storm was that fabricated-group's lead singer) auditioning for Phil Spector in the elevator:

"You can look at it also as a reduction of everything to queuing
processes. If by some miracle of circumstance you get to the front
of the queue of attention, a demand is created. For everyone else,
forget it, keep waiting in line. // Performance doesn't enter into it. The work doesn't matter. Being at the front of the line matters. And that's a totally random process. // Look, I know, having experienced it first hand. The American Idol shows are a wonderful example. Picking of contestants is a scientifically random process, akin to particle physics or quantum chemistry, no matter how one reads, hears, or sees otherwise. In a country of nearly 300 million people, there will be a small handful of suitable contestants for such a show in any shire in our nation. The huge numbers, or particles, that now must be dealt with ensure that the selection process becomes a random function. // Audiences that matter are now created only through access to big TV."

hey...i stumbled across that I Love Music american idol thread you patched together while i was using Gooble to cobble together a "tween pop/teen pop" checklist (of links to things i've written) for the rocksbackpages.com people.... it's puzzling there's not more comments (while acknowledging the funny ones...the girl/guy who said "with metal mike, fuckedup-ness is a given" was a great line...since they knew that 20% of that comment was self-ironic, as i i COULD be right...every now and then. hell, us old-school in-the-day bubblegum fans are still fighting the skirmish that the Archies KICK ASS on the damn Jefferson Airplane).on American Idol--it being the #1 show (more or less) and all. i have no formal comments on the Jenny Hudson fiasco, my rational mind saw something like that coming a mile away and commented on it...while my musical mind definitely thought the show was heading for a long overdue Jenny/LaToya final 2 championship, which'd be like a turkey shoot--if you made them sing the same song, for sure. but back to my rational mind, it's obvious that 50's R&B vocal styles, 60's R&B and then soul vocals, and even early 70's vocal group philly/chicago soul, are all long forgotten dust in the wind. i blame it all on whitney and her cronies but there's no shortage of culprits. new styles always come along, and the old ones' technique or spirit forgotten, you can't go back to 1966 and recreate muscle shoals w/aretha on the piano and vocals, live with the band in real-time. but you can A/B the two singers, and Jenny (hudson) is flat out the better R&B church singer. aMAZing control and discpline over her chops. aretha didn't have anyone who was gonna say boo to her, she was a pretty imposing authority figure in the studio. hence a lot of undiscliplined not perfectly thought out vocal tracks. ha ha....it just kills me to see clowns like randy jackson (not him, but someone contemporary) refer to "Resepct" as an Aretha song. jeeeeeeeeeez. uh--songwriting credits anyone? man, this whole fucking world is just like George Smith said. why read the c opyright date when it might interfere with the scripted soundbite?

Seven years/seasons later:

Lauren only placing 4th in tonight's american idol voting is BULLSHIT
Friday, May 6, 2011 12:23 AM
From: "Mike Saunders"

Haley has to GO. right fucking now. her voting-demographic is in lauren's way.

L(auren) is young, she's raw, but dude so was brenda lee or tanya tucker or whoever, annd hold the thought --
the night before when she (lauren, not brenda lee) sang dopey boring song
"Unchained Melody" i went over to the TV area, and shut my eyes to listen properly

her soft volume (lower register) had a NICE tone,
i mean really hit Top 40 karen carpenter type of nice.
and she did neat things with her "high register" (including technically) that i didn't know she could do.

(i haven't been paying much attention to this year's american idol except to always have it on, half listen ditto, and leave dangerous throwing objects out of my hand when dumbfuck metal-howler james durbin get up there to demonstrate his claim/worthiness to be the "new sammy hagar" -- as in a good voice with nooooo even slight clue as to what to do with it. (we're talking 70's/80's solo Hagar. not the van halen unlistenable crap, ie all of it).

annd obvious to everyone,
lauren has real star quality as a "performer."

in TV/movies they just call it the "EQ" or likeability rating whatevever. as far as a know she has no discerable personality whatsoever (not uncommon to career musicians, let it be noted) (swingers or otherwise)

so ok, the nashville major-label factory would probaby have Lauren stuck with the same type of crap material that is 80% of any Carrie Underwood album (the first carrie underwood truly, as vetted, might have been "the worst hit country album ever made.".apart from the 1 or 2 worthy hit singles)

ohhkay. but that's the worst possibility.

i'd like to see a "NFL Draft" type scouting report on what producers/songwriter tyeps (anybody not just today's Motown empire, i mean the dr luke/max martin crew)
are hearing in lauren's voice (as hit potential)

anyway i want to see a Lauren / Durbin finals show. like everyone else.

nitwit metal howler vs a future country/crossover star

he'd probably drag out another Judas Priest song no one ever liked in the first place. get me a free ticket and a plane fare, i'll show up and throw a plastic 2-liter Diet Pepsi bottle at the chump. fucking idiot. (and his voice does good things when it accidentally wanders into "wow, this is cool, i better stop doing it" territory)

why the fuck is Bobby Goldsboro Jr, i mean Scotty, still around?

Haley ditto? people that vote for non-musical reasons? (oh wait, that american idol's entire core female age 6 to 16 to ? 23? audience) is she "of age"? doesn't matter, she has to GO. along with Scotty. Haley's singing is fine (although i can't remember a single note of any song she's sung or even the songs themselves) but she's in lauren's way. COUNTRY MUSIC NEEDS A NEW AMERICAN IDOL WINNER to stick with shitty songs and too-slick production. the new Carrie Underwood. we all know this. steven Tyler knows this -- dude loves lauren's stuff!

didn't all three judges say "superfluous to comment, that was totally cool" after she sang Tuesday night? oh wait, i missed the entire first 20 mnutes becuase i was in the back room listening to the A's-Indiansnight game (that wasn't on TV), oops. Tyson Ross - rhymes with awesome! (tuesday). (and Tim Cahill, 5 hits 1 earned run last night, causing me to forget to turn the american idol audio ON not just the picture).

i want to find a sports bar that'll have the American Idol finals on (on a tuesday , noted) if it's a james durbin vs Lauren, judas priest vs brenda lee/carrie underwood worlds collide kinda thing.

i'll sharpie JUDAS PRIEST SUCKS on my forehead, forearm etc.

Haha, thanks for c/p'ing this, one of the best Idol blogs I've read. Wish he would have done every night of every season!

Like she isn't going to have a huge lifelong country career now that will outlast and outsell most of the 'pop' idol winners...

via email, last night:

lauren's gonna win! lauren's gonna win!
Thursday, May 12, 2011 11:50 PM
From: "Mike Saunders"

(also could be subtitled
Metal Mike Talks Shit About Judas Priest pt. ) (a little further below)

8:25pm wed/American Idol -- lauren is the first "you're safe"

yeahh haley goes home (or scotty, better yet)

LAUREN vs metalhead faux-mohawk hamster-brain JAMES in the finals!

yesss!

Durbin will massacre some Queen song (or Priest) you never ever ever wanted to hear again
((wasn't 5,000 plays per day of Bohemian Rhapsody in its AM Top 40 time enough for god's sake? and that was the only good version ever! besides/outside of jani lane's amazing Warrant-keyboardist-only + plus + jani-only-vocals ONLY, literally acapella, the whole fucking song through the end of the "loud part" just screwing around (as part of their 1994-95-ish live set's middle part so the other guys could uh, "towel down" or just wonder what the fuck was Jani gonna over there during this segment. back when he was still stand-up-straight sober, mind you. on stage i mean)).

if fucking Durbin had half a clue

he'd belt out a spot-on CHERRY PIE

in the finals, and every teengirl nitwit who's been voting for him would be then be writing out, sealing and stamping their handwritten marriage proposals (written in pink and purple of course) before the song was halfway over.

but no, you know he's gonna break out another Judas Priest song

dude! what about Y&T (summertime girls)? Great White (once bitten twice shy their cover song hit)? jeez even the Kix power ballad hit? (Don't Close Your Eyes).

maybe we'll get really lucky and he'll break out "a DIO classic"
uhhhhhhhh fuck this guy, what part of "priest suck the big one" was not in his grade school class's reading-and-writing tutorial/outline?

it's the first thing anyone who was buying records before STARZ or Angel or Rex (Starz' michael j smith's brother from TV, right) were a "brand new band" ever understood in a nanosecond --

Judas Priest suck the big one

no cool drum rolls? in a HARD ROCK BAND? get the fuck out of my house before i smash your head in with any cool Zeppelin/Purple/BOC album, ya fucking poser assed putztards!

leave that "clueless grooveless drummer" shit to KISS and Aerosmith, who are gonna be useless forever by the end of 1978 anyway.

am i'm not even counting Priest's guitarists who "couldn't play a cool lead break" if they had five million years and ten million hamsters taking notes at the typewriters. truth! show me even ONE! ha! doesn't exist! buck dharma/manny bloom eat those fucking UK NHOBHM chumps for lunch! even today on the biker-venue or summer-rock-oldies-fest circuit, too.

wasn't the ROCK STAR movie basically goofing on/ridiculing the old 80's-MTV-stars metal bands like Priest? "it's all about the image, man, ya gotta have the image, man. a pretty face and a pompadour!" Stan Freberg @1960 "The Old Payola Roll Blues"

if i ever saw a numbskull rock band (that i'd paid more than six bucks to see) ride a fucking MOTORBIKE onstage (that wasn't adorned with flashing multicolor lights saying I AM A FUCKING POSER), man i'd be throwing every MX-80 firecracker i could get my hands on at those clueless idiots. roman candles even.

fucking Judas Priest, man. this Durbin first name James potatohead has GOT to lose! it's in the stars, man! country music or country music crossover (lauren could easily also go the kelly clarkson route, or both. and NOT torture us like recent Taylor Swift product because she/lauren has no urge to "write songs, man, i could write my own songs") (yeh "Love Story" was the last taylor composition i reallly really liked, since it was obviously a classic pop tune) is overdue for another American Idol winner! for reals and it's a fact.

plus it makes Simon "i hate country music!" Cowell roll over in his future grave and have sleepless nights in the here and now, always a good thing.

would love to see someone do "evening star" on idol. that would be great. but then i'm a big fan of disco metal with great guitar leads and cool drum rolls.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhN-SwPA3Hs

my heroes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzpHmbwqHLM&feature=related

rock gods. another good one for idol too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FpQr1HUGW8&feature=related

Someone needs to break it to Mike that Lauren doesn't have a chance in hell w/Scotty eating up the Tea Party votes.

Lauren has moments of brilliance, but are immediately followed by her trademark shoutin' and stompin' and whateverin'.

what's the deal with "manny bloom"?

like, hymie too obvious? or am i being my too sensitive self and/or missing some cultural reference?

No idea, but Metal Mike is definitely a fan of sub-NBA basketball, so who knows:

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/school-board-former-boca-basketball-coach-owes-district-73062.html