Jessica Simpson brutally fist-rapes Berlin's "Take My Breath Away"

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Now....don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to assert that the original (which Berlin didn't even write nor purportedly care about) redefined the dying art of balladry or anything, but compared to this antiseptic, bunson-burner-fed beeker-load of saccharine smaltz, the original was a brilliant, unique comet of indefinable brightness, streaking through a trillion miles of pitch black melancholy. How Simpson could single-handely exterminate all semblance of human emotion from this relatively banal love ode is beyond me. Compared to Simpson's breathy squeak, Terry Nunn's fluidly enunciated vocals sound like the voice of an eye-melting archangel with a seventy-foot wingspan. In Berlin's hands, the song had a heart, in Simpson's, all it has is a tepid dollop of silly putty. There oughta be a law.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 1 May 2004 06:17 (twenty-one years ago)

"[W]hich Berlin didn't even write nor purportedly care about" . . . not to blame the victim in a brutal fist-rape (though after the garden-hose-kink incident in the first season of 'Newlyweds,' can't we assume that Jessica's too lazy to take the time to commit the crime?), but as "Breath" was hardly "The Metro" to begin with, not to mention whatever Blondie/Moroder track/vibe/feel "Metro" plundered, can we just admit that the summer of '86 was really all about "Live to Tell" and "Papa Don't Preach" (actual tears first time I heard the latter on the radio after a Ramones show, as opposed to the teeny yawn I emitted before flipping the dial on the Berlin track)? Berlin . . . heart . . . z.

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Saturday, 1 May 2004 07:54 (twenty-one years ago)

to the teeny yawn I emitted before flipping the dial on the Berlin track

That's not the point, though, Rickster. The point was that Jessica Simpson's cover of the song is so fucking anaemic that it makes the original seem like Handel's Messiah.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 1 May 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

the original i must say has that HUGE synth hook that is very cool, even if the vocals are k-lame

i havent heard simpson's version but i can't imagine her vocals are much worse--maybe overripe.... so is it the arrangement that's so ineffectual?

alex what do you care about handel's messiah?

― amateur!st (amateurist), Saturday, 1 May 2004 09:20 (twenty-one years ago)

I think the best treatment for allegedly epic ballads is to be covered in as dead-eyed and soul-less fashion as possible.

See Atomic Kitten's "Eternal Flame" for further details.

― noodle vague (noodle vague), Saturday, 1 May 2004 11:07 (twenty-one years ago)

I actually quite like the original "Take My Breath Away", I hate to say. Lyrics are lame, but great melody and at least Teri Nunn sings it like she means it.

― Joe (Joe), Saturday, 1 May 2004 11:14 (twenty-one years ago)

B-b-b-b-but Singing Like You Mean It = Dud!

― noodle vague (noodle vague), Saturday, 1 May 2004 11:17 (twenty-one years ago)

The original was the favorite song of my married Christian co-worker that summer. She was hot and (as we worked outside and wore shorts most of the time) fit, and she wasn't really having that great a time with her husband. We used to sing that bass synth hook together. I dreamed of saving her.

Haha "saving"

That having been said, it wasn't that great, but Lisa Simpson should have stayed a nerd. Her "singing" career is nowheresville, man.

― Begs2Differ (Begs2Differ), Saturday, 1 May 2004 11:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Curiousity got the better of me, so I downloaded this. The version I heard is live, and it also features Nick Lachey, lucky us. If this is the version you heard, Alex, and you intentionally withheld this information, then you are a SICK BASTARD. (but you didn't say anything about a live performance, so hopefully not).
Anyhow, it all goes reasonably well until the first chorus, which is butchered beyond all humane recognition.
Later in the song, they do the key change between a verse and the chorus (instead of betweeen choruses like in the original) and it sounds HORRIBLE. It's too abrupt, it comes off as though they changed to some random key.
My life is worse for having heard this song. I appreciate the original even more now. It's an instance of 80's production (reverbed drums, cheesy synths, etc.) really working out for the best.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Saturday, 1 May 2004 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I blame Jessica Simpson's father for everything. Ever read the things he says about her? He's a sick bastard who wants to fuck his daughter.

― shookout (shookout), Saturday, 1 May 2004 14:16 (twenty-one years ago)

The two quotes I most remember from her dad were "she's even sexy in a t-shirt" and something along the lines of "she waited until marriage and now she's having sex all the time and loving it!"

I'm astounded that they made this song crappier, but they did.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Saturday, 1 May 2004 16:20 (twenty-one years ago)

The way this question is phrased boggles my mind.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Saturday, 1 May 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I really liked Jessica Simpson's Jack'n'Diane rip but I think her recent activities may retroactively make that song equally sucktastic.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Saturday, 1 May 2004 16:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"Take My Breath Away"..."Jack 'n Diane"... She needed to play my friends wedding a couple months ago.

― Mike Salmo (salmo), Saturday, 1 May 2004 20:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Jessica Simpson's dad is GROSS. To hear him talk about her boobies makes me want to take five showers, possibly purifying myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Sunday, 2 May 2004 03:36 (twenty-one years ago)

The two quotes I most remember from her dad were "she's even sexy in a t-shirt" and something along the lines of "she waited until marriage and now she's having sex all the time and loving it!"

Classy guy.

― Joe (Joe), Sunday, 2 May 2004 11:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, her Dad, before she'd been violated by Nick, gave her a "promise ring" that she'd wear until she was no longer a virgin, to remind her that "he was the man in her life until marriage." Really, that's what he said. It's in the Rolling Stone cover article. He also looks like the jerk aryan Cobra Kai kid in the Karate Kid. They're like these weird, suburban aryan born agains.

― shookout (shookout), Sunday, 2 May 2004 12:25 (twenty-one years ago)

"This ain't Lake Minnetonka"

― spooky electric, Sunday, 2 May 2004 18:13 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm sick and tired of all this born again Christian double-talk. So what if she was a virgin until marriage, she still married the uber stereotypical jock jerk. Goddammit this kids today, where the hell did all youthful rebellion go?! Listening to their parents, praising the flag, not questioning authority.

― Cacaman Flores, Sunday, 2 May 2004 18:28 (twenty-one years ago)

this thread has quickly become even more disturbing than the parody "brutally fist-rapes" thread I made.

― Al (sitcom), Sunday, 2 May 2004 18:48 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, all kids rebelled all the time until the last couple years. thanks, '60s!

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Sunday, 2 May 2004 20:22 (twenty-one years ago)

i rebel

― CAss (CAss), Sunday, 2 May 2004 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

isaac asimov meets james dean.

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 2 May 2004 20:32 (twenty-one years ago)

starring will smith and jazzy jeff.

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 2 May 2004 20:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Yea, I'm not a fan of the original, but Jessica Simpson butchers the song. The arrangement isn't particularly good (though to be fair, the originals is so dated it's corny), but her singing on it is downright bad.

― uh, Sunday, 2 May 2004 22:41 (twenty-one years ago)

20 years from now we'll be doin' this thread again complaining that some young punk has sucked all the fukkn joie de vivre outta Avril's "Complicated" or some shit like that

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Sunday, 2 May 2004 22:56 (twenty-one years ago)

oh god another artist who sucks...

― CAss (CAss), Sunday, 2 May 2004 22:58 (twenty-one years ago)

haha, tr00.

Avril Lavigne, my lord.

I had to hear her putrid album (written by those songwriters whom she hired or something whose name escapes me) at work one day cuz my boss, who is normally into HOT FIST PUMPING METUHHL like me decided to play it.

Compared to the non-charting regular album tracks, the singles are epic masterpieces. That's how bad the album is.

― uh, Sunday, 2 May 2004 22:59 (twenty-one years ago)

lol yeah!!!
and her whole image is completely fake. she 'strums ' along to her guitar and doesnt know what the hell she is doing

― CAss (CAss), Sunday, 2 May 2004 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, and she's not even a real punk!!!

― djdee2005, Monday, 3 May 2004 01:00 (twenty-one years ago)

like fer shur

― uh, Monday, 3 May 2004 01:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe the next one she'll do is "Sex (I'm a...)". Uh-oh.

― Joe (Joe), Monday, 3 May 2004 01:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Now THAT I might get worked up about.

― Trayce (trayce), Monday, 3 May 2004 01:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Nick or Dad?

― Joe (Joe), Monday, 3 May 2004 01:13 (twenty-one years ago)

two weeks pass...

so i heard this twice on the radio.

the arrangement is boring, though not necessarily offensive. it almost sounds as if the berlin arrangement is buried in the mix somewhere with those requisite psuedo-latin accents and celine dion drum fills placed over it.

her singing though, egad. she starts warbling way off pitch at every high or sustained note. she tries to push her voice way beyond where it's prepared to go and doesn't know how to make anything interesting out of the resulting mess.

dan perry to thread.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 May 2004 01:57 (twenty-one years ago)

i was at least glad to hear that it retains that huge synth line that really is the raison d'etre of the original version, although after the first verse it sort of recedes into the background as noted.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 May 2004 01:58 (twenty-one years ago)

What are Celine Dion drum fills?

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 May 2004 16:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I am amazed I didn't post to this thread earlier!

Anyway, Amatuerist and Alex OTM.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 May 2004 16:26 (twenty-one years ago)

What are Celine Dion drum fills?

-- jaymc (jmcunnin...) (webmail), May 17th, 2004 10:24 AM. (jaymc) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

instead of a cloth they put celine dion in the bass drum for extra resonance

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 May 2004 18:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Why couldn't she cover that Cheap Trick song from the Top Gun soundtrack instead?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Monday, 17 May 2004 19:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Ta, Amateurist.

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 May 2004 19:10 (twenty-one years ago)

it doesn't work as well now that she's gone all skinny

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 May 2004 19:40 (twenty-one years ago)

whatever Blondie/Moroder track/vibe/feel "Metro" plundered

that would be "call me."

― maria tessa sciarrino (theoreticalgirl), Monday, 17 May 2004 20:22 (twenty-one years ago)

alex says that she robs the song of all human emotion; i think she manages to do this because she is so obviously using the song as a platform to show off her supposed vocal prowess and what's more, she fails so obviously. there's little room for her to express anything else.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Monday, 17 May 2004 20:58 (twenty-one years ago)

She is expressing the following:

"Please kick me in the vulva."

That's what I get, anyway.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 May 2004 21:00 (twenty-one years ago)

she sure has a big mouth.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 May 2004 21:01 (twenty-one years ago)

nick lachey would need a cat-o-nine-penises just to make proper use of the thing

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 May 2004 21:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Meow?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 May 2004 21:03 (twenty-one years ago)

He has one except he calls it his head.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 17 May 2004 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

oh those wacky newlyweds

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Monday, 17 May 2004 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 52 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

fill her up

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 18:11 (twenty-one years ago)

um. eww...

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 6 June 2004 18:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I really want her to cover "Janie's Got A Gun" now.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 18:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Election to thread.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:14 (twenty-one years ago)

what did mandy moore do that makes you think she is a "sock-puppet" alex? aside from being young and pretty and female?

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:23 (twenty-one years ago)

and on MTV constantly despite never having a hit.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:26 (twenty-one years ago)

and being equally excited about Neutrogena as any damn XTC song

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:27 (twenty-one years ago)

(1) she's a "personality" anthony. she enunciates well and does not look lost on camera. this is a surprisingly hard thing to pull off.

(2) she's paid to be excited about neutrogena. julianne moore is paid to be excited about loreal. frankly i'd be more excited about neutrogena than loreal.

i mean, i'm not arguing against alex's typically self-parodying b.s.--not wholeheartedly, anyway, since i know it's a lost cause. (and you wonder why people get upset at you alex!)

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:34 (twenty-one years ago)

(1) she's a "personality" anthony. she enunciates well and does not look lost on camera. this is a surprisingly hard thing to pull off.

(2) she's paid to be excited about neutrogena. julianne moore is paid to be excited about maybelline, or whatever. frankly i'd be more excited about neutrogena than maybelline.

i mean, i'm not arguing against alex's typically self-parodic b.s.--not wholeheartedly, anyway, since i know it's a lost cause. (and you wonder why people get upset at you alex!)

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:34 (twenty-one years ago)

oops.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:35 (twenty-one years ago)

so, loreal or maybelline?!?!

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:35 (twenty-one years ago)

what's the difference between "sock-puppet" and "personality"?

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I've got no real ill will towards Moore, whose attempted hits showed a modicum of genuine emotion (something Simpson isn't capable of), but her sudden change in image and grabs for cred don't really change why and how she got here.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:39 (twenty-one years ago)

I reserve the right to be knocked out by a performance (be it musical or cinematic) later but I think she's put enough effort into Being In Front Of A Camera For Whatever Reason Possible to earn a term like "sock puppet" for now.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:41 (twenty-one years ago)

(insert dirty joke about wearing a sock puppet)

― amateur!st (amateurist), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Will Mandy Moore hook up with Hilary Duff to record a cover of "(You Know I'm Living) In The 1980s" by The Killing Jokes?

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Anything that inspires said hook-up I'm entirely for.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 19:59 (twenty-one years ago)

All Alex is saying is that he sees M*ndy as a vessel for a long slab of flesh to slide into, right?

― Clarke B. (Clarke B.), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Wouldn't that be a "cock-puppet"?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:37 (twenty-one years ago)

All Alex is saying is that he sees M*ndy as a vessel for a long slab of flesh to slide into, right?

The irony of giving unwarranted shit to Alex about this is that its a claim more deservedly slung at the hipsters who now find her desirable thanks to new haircut/appreciation of the Waterboys.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:48 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't dare to do a google search for "cock puppet", sorely as I'm tempted.

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Ok I lied - I gave in. The result was rather disappointing though.

http://www.asiaplus.com/pip/images/g209.jpg

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Hahaha!

― jaymc (jaymc), Sunday, 6 June 2004 20:57 (twenty-one years ago)

three months pass...

this will sound awfully alex-in-nyc, but i was wondering if someone could answer me a question: why do people willingly listen to this record?

― amateur!!st, Tuesday, 21 September 2004 19:00 (twenty years ago)

three years pass...

vintage alex in nyc

― gershy, Monday, 19 November 2007 06:10 (seventeen years ago)

The anatomy of a Alex in NYC thread:

(Insert flavor of the month pop star) (Insert an adverb that signifies violence) (Insert violent and/or degrading sexual act) (Insert canonized 1980s pop song/Famous underground ponk rock song)

Potential threads:

Fall Out Boy savagely molests the Damned's "Neat Neat Neat"

Why do I have to listen to Hilary Duff cruelly sodomize The Primitives "Crash"?

― Cunga, Monday, 19 November 2007 07:17 (seventeen years ago)

Fall Out Boy doesn't need to desecrate a Damned song to earn themselves a needlessly violent demise. Their mere existence has already accomplished said task.

― Alex in NYC, Monday, 19 November 2007 16:58 (seventeen years ago)

And I don't take back a single syllable.

― Alex in NYC, Monday, 19 November 2007 16:58 (seventeen years ago)

I can't wait to see the threads Alex starts about the music his kids listen to.

― jon /via/ chi 2.0, Monday, 19 November 2007 16:59 (seventeen years ago)

this is probably addressed upthread, but does AiNYC actually rate berlin's 'take my breath away'. that would surprise me.

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Monday, 19 November 2007 17:48 (seventeen years ago)

It's addressed upthread.

― The Reverend, Monday, 19 November 2007 18:03 (seventeen years ago)

"the original was a brilliant, unique comet of indefinable brightness, streaking through a trillion miles of pitch black melancholy."

lololololololol

― That one guy that hit it and quit it, Monday, 19 November 2007 18:04 (seventeen years ago)

Context, please....

compared to this antiseptic, bunson-burner-fed beeker-load of saccharine smaltz, the original was a brilliant, unique comet of indefinable brightness, streaking through a trillion miles of pitch black melancholy.

― Alex in NYC, Monday, 19 November 2007 19:04 (seventeen years ago)

Jessica Simpson brutally fist-rapes Nick Lachey

― Alex in Baltimore, Monday, 19 November 2007 19:10 (seventeen years ago)

she really does seem like she'd be into fisting, doesn't she?

-- Al (sitcom), Saturday, May 1, 2004 7:31 AM (Saturday, May 1, 2004 7:31 AM) Bookmark Link

^^^Made me bang head against wall.

― The Reverend, Monday, 19 November 2007 19:26 (seventeen years ago)

two years pass...

From Jessica's twitter!!!!

Why did I just discover Bon Iver?!?!?! Amazing!

― m@tt (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:06 (fifteen years ago)

Why indeed.

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 7 June 2010 21:11 (fifteen years ago)

these are strange times

― m@tt (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:12 (fifteen years ago)

http://lemonpepper.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/jessica_simpson_singing.jpg
WHYYYYYYYYYY

― tylerw, Monday, 7 June 2010 21:13 (fifteen years ago)

lady gaga viciously double penetrates People are People

― puff puff post (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:15 (fifteen years ago)

love seeing OG alex in NYC thread titles : )

― For Nick Lachey, Forever Ago (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:16 (fifteen years ago)

wasn't she into jandek or something

― puff puff post (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:16 (fifteen years ago)

i choose to believe what you just typed

― For Nick Lachey, Forever Ago (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:18 (fifteen years ago)

didn't she brutally fist rape jandek or something? that's why he's so bummed out all the time.

― tylerw, Monday, 7 June 2010 21:35 (fifteen years ago)

i think she had to settle for fist raping P.O. Box 15375, Houston TX 77220

― For Nick Lachey, Forever Ago (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:38 (fifteen years ago)

will mandy moore do jandek album?

― kumar the bavarian, Monday, 7 June 2010 21:39 (fifteen years ago)

i'll ask sterling

― For Nick Lachey, Forever Ago (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Monday, 7 June 2010 21:40 (fifteen years ago)

my my my my my my

― ksh, Monday, 7 June 2010 21:41 (fifteen years ago)

Mitchell

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 7 June 2010 21:50 (fifteen years ago)

i luv the last "hoooooooooooooooooooooo" in i wanna love you forever, it is magical

― teledyldonix, Tuesday, 8 June 2010 03:30 (fifteen years ago)

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