The UK Top 40, 2/5/04

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Gemma Fox #38 (humdrum British R&B – MC Lyte’s intro is quite good, but it tails off from then on); Plummet #35 (had a hit last year with ‘Damaged’ – if you remember that, this is that, but faster – if you don’t, don’t worry, you’re not missing anything); Alex Cartana #34 (humdrum pop-rock bobbins – remember Rhianna? She was a bit better than this) and Dogs Die In Hot Cars #24 (bloody brilliant – more on that later, cos there’s roughly bog-all coming up).

THE UK TOP 20 – ALL THE CLUBS HAVE BEEN CLOSED DOWN

20) N.E.R.D. – She Wants To Move

This week, N.E.R.D. spend their second week at #20. The competition is to win signed Lostprophets artwork by correctly naming their current album. Wes has thus far done hilarious interviews with Alex Cartana wherein he did her surname in a comedy Spanish accent, James Fox, and Dogs Die In Hot Cars’ singer. The top 20 this week isn’t featuring Pete Doherty or J.C. Chasez. Sit tight, cos things are gonna be getting very bitter up in here.

19) NARCOTIC THRUST – I Like It

Oh, and Southampton lost 4-0 to Chelsea. Stephen Crainie scored an own goal on his debut for us. Welcome Stephen!

18) BRITNEY SPEARS – Toxic

The strings are nice and comforting this week. Cos next:

17) BLUE – Breathe Easy

My voice is all nice and recovered this week, so in theory a song where Lee Ryan claims he can’t breathe easy despite the fact that not only can he quite obviously breathe easily but also far too fucking loudly shouldn’t be as annoying. Yet it is. Mystifying, eh?

16) FRANZ FERDINAND – Matinee

Hello Franz! How spiffing you do sound this week. Seaside indie is a wonderful thing, and this is very seaside – all jaunty and bouncy all over the place, with dodgy guitar echoing, and riffs that probably got nicked off someone from the 70’s (ask someone who knows about music. Perhaps it’s Canned Heat or something. I do not know and should stop speculating, really). But as said before, you can dance to them, most assuredly you can do that. With hand movements and everything! Sitty-down elbow shuffle! Congratulations Franz!

15) JOE ft. G-UNIT – Ride Wit U

I’d completely forgotten Young Buck was in G-Unit till 50 Cent reminded me of this in the intro. A horrendous error, and I can only proffer my sincerest apologies to Young Buck there. Why am I talking like Simon Amstell? Umm…

14) TWISTA ft. KANYE WEST & JAMIE FOXX – Slow Jamz

Twista. He raps very quick. He also has his hand to his throat a lot of the time, like people that use those artificial voiceboxes, unless I’ve not been looking right.

13) McFLY – Five Colours In Her Hair

Bill Beaumont was on Question Of Sport this week. Impossible as it may sound, it has most definitely improved since he left. Does that have anything to do with this? Not really, no.

12) DJ CASPER – Cha-Cha Slide

‘Casperman’. Like the popular cartoon series ‘Hammerman’, which featured MC Hammer. DJ Casper defeats super-villains via a combination of “Gettin’ funky” and shuffling.

11) SPECIAL D – Come With Me

Wes is mocking people who don’t know the name of Lostprophets’ current album. They should sack him and hire Special D instead. Think of the interviews:

SPECIAL D: Eamon is number one!

EAMON: Yeah –

SPECIAL D: YEAH! GO!

EAMON: Y-

SPECIAL D: MASIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

EAMON: *hangs up*

SPECIAL D: SUPER EAMON PARTY!!! CAN YOU FEEL IT, DARLINGTON?!?!

10) BOOGIE PIMPS – Sunny (NEW ENTRY)

Yep, they’re the new Funkstar Deluxe. After the bashed-about glory of ‘Somebody To Love’, the Pimps aren’t quite as successful when they take on Boney M – it sounds like disco, which it presumably already sort of did, and just repeats the chorus over and over with the odd echo effect on top. Which is OK, yes, but hardly “Ooh-bub-vyyyy zumbaheee lurrrve.”

9) H.I.M. – Solitary Man (NEW ENTRY)

Finnish Goths make their much threatened top 10 breakthrough. The mainstream UK media isn’t quite sure what to do with them, so they just go for ignoring them. Cos The Darkness, see, they’re funny, but HIM sound a bit, y’know, serious an’ that. ‘Solitary Man’ is the heaviest song in the top ten since the last time Metallica were in the top ten, which isn’t honestly saying much. It’s a Neil Young cover, it’s quite loud… and I’m not sure I was really paying attention. Tell you what, I’ll find a means of procuring a copy before the chart has finished and listen to it and let you know more later. OK? Cool.

8) USHER ft. LI’L JON & LUDACRIS – Yeah

Right, soddit, Dogs Die In Hot Cars’ single is called ‘Godhopping’, and I’m not sure, but I think it could very well be my favourite single of the year thus far.

Firstly, think about how you’d expect a band called Dogs Die In Hot Cars to sound. You’re thinking shitty emo, aren’t you? From Surrey? Perhaps you know they’re from Scotland, though, so you’re thinking they sound like Biffy Clyro. You’re thinking this single is going to be some godawful Lostprophets type… ‘thing’.

What you’re not thinking is that this is going to sound like what might have happened if the shit Scottish MOR pop acts of the eighties had been fantastic. You’re not expecting the killer leaping stabbing piano riff I thought Hue & Cry had (turns out they didn’t), the electric harpsichord or banjo or whatever the fuck that is in the background. The high-pitched rapid-fire indecipherable Scots vocals up the front. You’re not expecting this, you didn’t see it coming, but it’s here and it’s fucking smashing. Endlessly bubbling stuff that on first listen sounds like it really has just time-warped in from the mid-eighties. It skits and skips and skids all over. Those vocals permanently high and the beat pounding so quick and hard, and the piano jangling, jangling, jangling – it doesn’t let up. You don’t want it to. Effects fly in from everywhere – Franz Ferdinand with more than one noise! Imagine how that might sound! This song, you sense, can’t quite believe that it exists, and isn’t really sure what to do next, so it just keeps banging and yodelling away non-stop like its very life depends on it. A record that’s twenty times happier than more or less anything to have hit the chart in ages. Not big, not clever, but utterly thrilling and genius and brilliant and oh my giddy giddy gosh just get it and love it. Fuck what you might think about the name, this is BANG ON THE MONEY. 2004 just took a super-sharp turn for the better.

7) MAROON 5 – This Love

Another way of looking at it is that it’s the song this could have been, except that, well, it’s by a band called Dogs Die In Hot Cars and this is by a band called Maroon 5 (née Cara’s Flowers).

6) THE RASMUS – In The Shadows

It’s not got much in common with this, to be honest. I’d imagine Dogs Die In Hot Cars have better dance moves than that thing the Rasmus’ singer does where he puts two fingers to his temple to indicate that he’d rather kill himself than turn into their slave. As a sidenote, though – two Finnish rock acts in the top ten. What’re the odds on that, eh?

5) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone

I’m still waiting to procure ‘Solitary Man’. In the meantime, why not try and figure out some way to link this to ‘We Haven’t Turned Around’ by Gomez, which I’m also trying to procure for some reason.

4) THE STREETS – Fit But You Know It (NEW ENTRY)

Why did I almost type this as ‘Fake Plastic Trees’? Anyway – firstly, the riff isn’t ‘Parklife’, it’s ‘Mister Blue Sky’. A bit rougher, and probably a little bit quicker, but this is ‘Mister Blue Sky’. The “Leave it out” is the “Soooooooo longggg”, for instance. The rest doesn’t tie in quite so neatly. But anyhow – I quite like this. It’s jaunty. I like jaunty. The lyrics are staggeringly forced into the meter –“Which lost me my place in the queue I was waiting for – yeah!” – but I dunno, there’s some pretty decent incompetent loverman charm about this. You could argue it’s a bit like what would happen if the twats off the Smirnoff Ice ads made a record. Except they’d pull, via doing something involving the white-shirted man and his ‘stashpoint’ or whatever the fuck it is those tosswanks would say. No, ‘tosswank’ isn’t something they’d say, because they’re cunts, and I’m me, and I’m lovely. In a somewhat non-conventional sense of lovely. But yes. I quite like this.

3) D12 – My Band

For the second time this week. It’s about as good as it was first time around.

2) BUSTED – Air Hostess (NEW ENTRY)

Right, so “The cabin pressure’s rising/My coke has got no ice in” is their best line ever. But that intro – so much noise, so little impact. They scream. And then, well, it’s ‘Crashed The Wedding’ through dodgier amps. Floats some people’s boats. Not mine, though.

1) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)

The Observer was very enthusiastic about his album. His next single is ‘I Love Them Ho’s’. Was that not precisely the practice he was decrying here? So, yes, he’s not a one-hit wonder. He might not be number one next week, cos there’s loads and loads of stuff out. And with that, radio off, try to listen to HIM, but my finger slips and it’s Dogs Die In Hot Cars again. I suppose I’ll just have to listen to it all the way through again, as, er, punishment. Maybe twice. Or three times. Perhaps four. Or five…