I HAVE JUST HEARD THE WORST THING EVER (A Thread About Jessica Simpson)

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OK say what you want about her cover of Berlin's Take My Breath Away (as long as what you want is "Wow what shit") but jesus god has anyone heard her cover of Robbie Williams's Angels?? I wish I had no ears :(

On a related note, does anyone know if Jessica Simpson's label, whatever it is, is a subsidiary of Viacom or something? I'm trying to figure out why MTV and VH1 are pushing her so much (fairly unsuccessfully...she doesn't seem to sell a lot of albums, comparitive to other pop phenoms I guess). She's like a wholly created-by-tv celebrity, it's kind of bizarre.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Her mouth scares me.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:28 (twenty-one years ago)

im kinda embarassed that ashlee simspon raked in more sales than jessica did for her post-tv show release. however, i think if jessica released something around now it'd be huge - absolute garbage, but huge.

― bill stevens (bscrubbins), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:39 (twenty-one years ago)

jesus god has anyone heard her cover of Robbie Williams's Angels??

I'm sorry, my heart decided to die and, in fact, I am dead. My revenant is typing these words while gripped with horror.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh how I wish Mr. Simpson would have been sterile from birth.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

her mouth scares me too, but at least nature burdened her with that, there's no excuse for a rich famous sex symbol like herself to have such an awful hairstyle.

as someone who actually likes the RW version of "Angels", yeah, her cover is garbage.

― Al (sitcom), Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:48 (twenty-one years ago)

JoJo

― sexyDancer, Thursday, 5 August 2004 15:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Totally OTM about MTV and VH1 pushing her. She doesn't sell, but on TV it's like a completely different reality. Though Newlyweds did have an episode covering Nick's problems selling "Soul-o" (AH HAHAHAHA)

― David Allen (David Allen), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:20 (twenty-one years ago)

(Ashlee is okay, actually.)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I could care less about the way Jessica Simpsons mouth looks. It probably looks just fine for what she can use it for.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:25 (twenty-one years ago)

the weird thing about js is in the good old days of fin de siecle teenpop she was a total third-rater. she had the one pretty-good mellencamp-sample song, but pretty much everything about her screamed also-ran. and you forget about her for a couple years and then all of a sudden she's fucking everywhere.

it's as if 98° suddenly showed up again and became THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD

― artiste, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:33 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, trying to point out a dearth of sales on either of these hellspawn's part is a Pyrrhic endeavor. esp. compared to the previously nonexistent expectations as artiste states.
people clearly get emotionally attached (or something) to how these freaks' "lives" are playing out on the box, and then i guess the least they can do is buy a trinket/CD to commemorate the entire scenario proposed between their own existences and theirs'-- speaking of which-- i do like ashlee better tho, something about that schnauze...

― duke devil, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I honestly don't know how you could tell a good version of this song from a bad one

― Sonny A. (Keiko), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Jessica and Ashlee have virtually the same voice; putting their songs side by side show that the twangy pressing technique they use is much more suited towards "rocky" songs than "poppy" songs (which also explains why "I Think I'm In Love With You" is easily Jessica's best song).

The most interesting thing I saw on "Newlyweds" was Jessica's original take on "The Sweetest Sin", where she did a superpowerhouse blues growl pastiche and her record company freaked out.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:43 (twenty-one years ago)

sonny otm

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:43 (twenty-one years ago)

ashlee simpson makes me want to take a broken wine bottle to my genitals for it is too gone a world to bring another life into

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:44 (twenty-one years ago)

HOW WUDE

― Jess's Jar-Jar-Jenitals (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Hasn't Alex in NY compared her to Killing Joke on some other thread?

― jesus nathalie (nathalie), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Jessica's album was a slow seller at first, considering it was released after Newlyweds had been on the air for a little while, but it gradually picked up and around the time it was re-released with the Berlin cover, it went double platinum, so her success isn't a total media illusion, even if it has been heavily media-assisted.

― Al (sitcom), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

What pisses me off about Ashlee Simpson is that evry time I turn on MTV hoping to see the Avril video they play her stupid song instead. The new token fakepunk chick has got to go

― Sonny A. (Keiko), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Has Alex seen her "PUNK" shirt?

― Sonny A. (Keiko), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

spending 800 or so words dissing ashlee simpson was one of the most cathartic things i've ever done

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

i can't wait for lindsay lohans album tho

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:49 (twenty-one years ago)

have to second it - sonny otm.

even if kim deal or ian curtis sang "Angels" i would still hate it. it's one of my least favourite things ever. i only wish there were some way the song could be "uninvented"

― Neil FC (Neil FC), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:49 (twenty-one years ago)

"that girl (drama queen)" is so great

― artiste, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Lindsey Lohan is much better than Ashlee Simpson, yes, but I don't hate Ashlee like I hate Jessica "I Low My Songs Like An Incontinent Heifer" Simpson.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

which of these birds would you guys rather shag though?

― CALUMBOT (ex machina), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:54 (twenty-one years ago)

also why has no one noticed that ashlee has a mullet almost as bad as billy ray cyrus's?

x-post: kelly osbourne

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Dude, EVERYONE has noticed that!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

is it just some media freezeout that keeps those rascals on vh1 from mentioning it then?

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 16:58 (twenty-one years ago)

omg is there really going to be a Lohan album?

― Sonny A. (Keiko), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:00 (twenty-one years ago)

indeed!

― jess, Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:01 (twenty-one years ago)

The rascals on VH-1 have been too busy talking about whomever Shannon Doherty's been beating up lately to mention Ashlee's mullet.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:04 (twenty-one years ago)

(Oh my, I'd never actually heard the original "Angels" and now I'm mad at all of you.)

(TS: Robbie Williams vs Jessica Simpson vs JXL featuring Gary Numan)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:13 (twenty-one years ago)

haven't the pop culture vultures tired of Ashlee and moved onto the budding music career of Brooke Hogan (daughter of Hulk) yet?

― Al (sitcom), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:17 (twenty-one years ago)

YES THEY HAVE! Brooke and the Hulkster have a reality show.

Jessica really does sing like she's giving birth to an elephant, doesn't she?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:21 (twenty-one years ago)

i think she had a vh1 show the other day.. something about the hulkster being a 'stage dad'

― bill stevens (bscrubbins), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:21 (twenty-one years ago)

VengaDan/bill MINDMELD

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Nevermind Jessica, my hate is reserved for Ashlee these days.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:22 (twenty-one years ago)

From the first page of a Google image search for "reserve hate":

http://www.sanctuaryasia.com/sanctuaryimages/pksenandhulivesha.jpg

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh my, I'd never actually heard the original "Angels" and now I'm mad at all of you.

Mean.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 5 August 2004 17:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Ok, I am a masochist but now I need to hear this song. Does it actually exist? Acquisition does not know of it.

Oh, and Jess' auto-mutilatory post, combined with the Jar-Jar Binks retort, was the funniest thing I've seen in at least a week. In fact the Jar-Jar quip still has me snarfing beer all over my keyboard, for a reason I don't fully grasp.

Anyway, if anyone really hates me, please send me a link to this song.

― philip sherburne (philip sherburne), Friday, 6 August 2004 08:02 (twenty-one years ago)

three years pass...

so With You is a song by jessica -- when it came on i just started giggling. her voice is SO WEIRD

― Surmounter, Wednesday, 16 July 2008 17:43 (seventeen years ago)

fake surmounter

― uh oh I'm having a fantasy, Wednesday, 16 July 2008 22:13 (seventeen years ago)

"With You" rules! (no Tape Store)

― jaymc, Wednesday, 16 July 2008 22:16 (seventeen years ago)

wtf fake surmounter?

With You is the shit though. I hate pretty much all of her singles, but that song is great.

― Matt Armstrong, Thursday, 17 July 2008 01:04 (seventeen years ago)

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