100 excellent spoken intros

97. So, I decided to take my work back underground... To stop it falling into the wrong hands.

And I heard as it were
The noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying
Come and see
And I saw
And behold a white horse

Is she /really/ going out with him?
Well, there she is - let's ask her.
Betty, is that Jimmy's ring you're wearing?
Mm-hmmm
Gee, it must be great riding with him
Is he picking you up after school today?
Nmm-uh
By the way, where'd you meet him?

I didn't even realise that had been posted! Um 93 is free then I guess!

(cue cracking whips)

that said,

84. "Whatchu gonna play now?" "Bobby, I don't know, but whatsever I play, it's got to be funky." ("yeah")

Grandfather, tell me a story!
Oh alright, go and get your storybook.
No, No, not one of those, a real story!
A real story?
Yes, tell me about when you were a boy.
Well, then, I shall have to take you back with me,
a long way in time...

"It was my thirteenth year on a cold winter's
day, as I walked through the enchanted
forest, I heard the sound of horses, and men
at arms, I felt compelled to walk on and
find the place of these sounds, and when
the forest did clear I was standing on a
hill before me the armies of the worlds
standing, waiting. I thought to myself, for
whom or for what are they waiting?
Suddenly a gust of wind came up from the
North, there appeared a lone rider, holding
a sword of steel, then from the south came
another, bearing a battle ax, from the east
came a third holding a spiked club, and
finally from the west, a rider who weilded
a great hammer of war. With them came
their soldiers of death, followed by an
Army of Immortals. They were few in number
but the look in their eyes told all who
beheld them that they would leave this day
only in victory or death. And there was a
great silence...
My heart began to pound, storm clouds
filled the sky with darkness, rain came, and
the four winds blew with such anger that I
held fast to a tree. I watched the four
riders raise their weapons into the air.
Without warning, screaming their war cry
they led the attack, down to the battle they
rode, they met the armies of the world with
a mighty clash! I could feel the ground
shake, the earth drank much blood that
day. Each of the four, was unto himself,a
whirlwind of doom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the smoke did clear, many thousands
were dead. There was much blood and gore.
Their bodies lay broken and scattered
across the battlefield like brown leaves
blown by the wind. And I saw the four ride
together to the top of the hill, while below
them the soldiers of death assembled, all
those who would now swear allegiance
to them.

And the four spoke the words of the
Warrior's Prayer.

GODS OF WAR I CALL YOU, MY SWORD
IS BY MY SIDE.
I SEEK A LIFE OF HONOR, FREE FROM
ALL FALSE PRIDE.
I WILL CRACK THE WHIP WITH A BOLD
MIGHTY HAIL.
COVER ME WITH DEATH IF I SHOULD
EVER FAIL.
GLORY, MAJESTY, UNITY
HAIL, HAIL, HAIL.

And as I stood and looked on, I heard the
Armies of the world hail them without
End, and their voices of victory carried
Long and far throughout the land!"

Well, that's it, did you like the story?
Yeah, it was great!
Oh good, I'm glad. Now off to bed with you.
Grandfather?
Yes?
Who were those four men?
Who were they?
THEY WERE THE METAL KINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[you can fill up most of the top 100 with the Fall]

73. Yo, yo, yo, move out of the way
We got Missy Elliott coming through
Girl, that is Missy Elliott, she lost a lot of weight
Girl I heard she eats one cracker a day
Oh well, I heard the bitch was married to Tim and started fucking with Trina
Yo, I heard the bitch got hit by three zebras and a monkey
I can't stand the bitch no way.

(don't know if the end is right at all.

70. They told me that the classics never go out of style but...they do. They do.

security
oh hello is that reception LWT
this is security reception's gone off duty sir
oh i see, i'm supposed to meet somebody in reception and i wanted to see if...
what's the name of the person you're supposed to meet?
haille selassie
haille?
selassie
is a haille selassie here?
no
could you possibly um if he does er he will come in very shortly, would you tell him that marcus garvey phoned, and that i will meet him well it's, meet him in babylon and ting
yes, when marcus comes in...right?
and you're supposed to....
is that haille selassie?
no it wasn't him
he's a black gentleman
when he comes in and asks for you you're gonna meet him at where was it?
babylon...babylon and ting
bab-y-lon and teeng
thats it
right you are
thank you god bless you...

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
2 get through this thing called life

Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here 2 tell u
There's something else
The afterworld

A world of never ending happiness
U can always see the sun, day or night

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
U know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

'Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down
Go crazy - punch a higher floor

Listen up everyone! we have been just informed
That there's an unknown virus that's attacking all clubs
Symptoms have been said to be - heaving breathing
Wild dancing, coughing
So when you hear the sound - WHO-DI-WHOOOO!
Run for cover mother fucker

Little Girl: Daddy what's it gonna be like in the year 2000?
Dad: Well sweetheart for your sake I hope it'll all be peaches &
cream.
But I'm afraid the end time is near. The cataclysmic apocalypse
refered
to in the scriptures of every hole book know to mankind. It will be an
era fraught with boundless greed & corruption where global monitary
systems disintegrate leaving brother to kill brother for a grain of
over
cook rice. The nations of the civilized world will collapse under the
impressive weight of parasitic political conspiracies which remove all
hope & optimism from their once faithfull citizens. Around the globe,
generations of polluters will be punished for their sins. Unsheilded
by the O-zone they have successfully depleted, left to bake in the
cering naked rays of light. Wholesale assassinations served to
destabilize
every remaining government, leaving the starving & wicked to fend
for themselves. Bloodthirsty renegade cyborgs created by tax dodging
corporations reek havok. Pissed off androids tired of being slaves to
a godless & gutless system, where the rich get richer & the poor get
fucked over and out, unleash total world wide destruction by means
of nuclear holocaust, annihilating the terrified masses, leaving in
its
torturous wake nothing but vicious, cannibalistic, mutating,
radiating,
and horribly dis-figured hordes of satanic killers, ?begged on
revenge,
but against home?, there are so few left alive. Starvation reins
supreme,
forcing unlucky survivers to eat anything & anyone in their path.
Massive earthquakes crack the planets crust like a hollow egg shell,
causing unending volcanic eruptions. Creatures of the seven seas,
unable to escape the certain death upon land, boil in their liquid
prison.
Disease then circles the earth, plagues & viruses with no known cause
or cure laying waste to whatever draws breath, and human-kind having
proven itself to be nothing more than a race of ruthless scavengers,
fall
victim to merciless attacks at the hands of interplanetary alien
tribes who
seek to conquer our charred remains. This is Extinction Level Event,
The
Final World Front. And there is Only, One, Year, Left.
Little Girl: Wow, that's cool, I can't hardly wait!
Dad: You don't have to, beacause here it is...

Suburbia
Where the suburbs met utopia

YOU ARE FALSE METAL!

I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU...

(60)

58. *Stoned electronic-raspy drawl* "Alright mate, yeah, I want half a tin. How long yeh gonna be mate, yeah, don't leave me waiting man, ten minutes, don't leave me waiting." (Mekon feat Evil B - 'Welcome To Tackletown'. The outro's good too: "What the fack's going on, man, you said ten minutes, man, not a Yardie ten minutes, man, fuck and I need to shit, oh shit!")

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Golden Age of Rock'n'Roll

You promised me green grass, not to tell what you heard. Whispering grass, say, you can't keep your word. Keep your word... Sing, Lofty.

nO oNE tWISTING hIS aRM

We interrupt this program with a special bulletin:
America is now under martial law.
All constitutional rights have been suspended.
Stay in your homes.
Do not attempt to contact loved ones, insurance agents or attorneys.
Shut up.
Do not attempt to think or depression may occur.
Stay in your homes.
Curfew is at 7 PM sharp after work.
Anyone caught outside of the gates of their subdivision sectors after curfew
will be shot.
Remain calm, do not panic.
Your neighborhood watch officer will be by to collect urine examples in
the morning.
Anyone caught interfering with the collection of urine examples will be
shot.
Stay in your homes, remain calm.
The number one enemy of progress is question.
National security is more important than individual will.
All sport broadcasts will proceed as normal.
No more than two people may gather anywhere without permission.
Use only the drugs prescribed by your boss or supervisor.
Shut up, be happy.
Obey all orders without question.
The comfort you demanded is now mandatory.
Be happy.
At last everything is done for you.

"One.... Two.... Three... Fuck!"

(Yep, that is what Macca did actually say on "I Saw Her Standing There")

Paul...what a rebel.

I've been rapping for about seventeen years, okay?
I don't write my stuff anymore, I just kick it from my head, you know what I'm saying?
I can do that.
No disrespect, but that's how I am.

(Ratatat, "Seventeen Years")

I'm sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily ("BUT I'VE GOT TO TALK TO THAT MAN!!") disconnected. This is a recording. I'm sorry, ("OPERATOR!! I'VE GOT TO TALK TO THAT MAN!!") the number you have reached has been temporarily disconnected. This is a recording. ("OH NO!!") I'm sorry...

"That-that-that wasn't it. The second... the SECOND game... and I'm not gonna be alone on this one... the SECOND game... and I take inventory of several people.. the second most popular game that we played... as children... is HOUSE!!"

Last call for alcohol.
Last call for your freedom of speech.
Drink up. Happy hour is now enforced by law.
Don't forget our house special,
it's called a Trickie Dickie
Screwdriver.
It's got one part Jack Daniels,
two parts purple Kool-Aid,
and a jigger of formaldehyde
from the jar with Hitler's
brain in it we got in the back
storeroom.
Happy trails to you. Happy trails to you.

"I remember getting intimidated and busted at age 13 by the police.
I remember my friend Tate Bryan getting shot in the back in Tampa, FL for his first-offense burglary.
I remember the police firing at the crowds and killing children cause they were the wrong color.
I remember the narcs from my ex school trying to set me up for a big fall.
I remember the police bringing dogs into our school and sniffing away my rights.
The police is the clan is the mafia and they're out for me, and soon they're going to be out to get you, so you better get going if you know it's good for you and take your stand."

MDC - i remember

37.

"Black Board Jungle. Part Two.

Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh!
Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh! "

"prejudice! i wrote a song about it, like to hear it? here it go!"

The best one ever?

Let me tell you about it:

1. Do ya ever seem to have one of those days where everyone's on your case from your teacher all the way down to your best girlfriend? Well, you know, I used to have 'em Just about all the time But I found a way to get out of it Let me tell you about it....

(thread ends)

36.

"This must be the ugliest piece of bread i've ever eaten."

See, I know this. I have my five fingers, my five fingers are seperated. If I swing those five fingers at you, all it does is make a noise, and probably embarrass you. That's just a slap! If I take those same five fingers and Igrip 'em tight like a fist, if I swing that towards you it's gonna make a mark. Or knock your ass out. Which means.......we're stronger together!

Yo, roll the dice, yo roll the dice
Yo, so it's going down like that, huh? Yeah?
Niggaz is whylin, check it out kid

From the slums of Shaolin, Wu-Tang Clan strikes again
The RZA, the GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef
U-God, Ghostface Killah and the Method Man

"I just want to hear the music, that's all."
"Is it too complicated to just... keep my records in the category, OK? Just put the rock and roll in with the rock and roll! Put the R&B in with the R&B! I mean you're not gonna put Charlie Parker in with the rock and roll, would you?!"
"I don't know... Who is Charlie Parker?"
"JAZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(cue jazz sample)

It's not my imagination. I've got a gun on my back!

"...I need a cheeseburger to go!'

36.
Yeahhh, torture motherfucker
I'll fuckin
I'll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost
with your ass cheeks spread out and shit
Right?
Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there
for like a half hour
Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like
Tssssssss
Yeah, I'll fuckin
Yeah I'll fuckin lay your nuts on a fuckin dresser
Just your nuts layin on a fuckin dresser
And bang them shits with a spiked fuckin bat
Ooooohhhh
Whassup? BLAOWWW!!

I'll fuckin
I'll fuckin pull your fuckin tongue out your fuckin mouth
and stab the shit with a rusty screwdriver, BLAOWW!!
I'll fuckin

I'll fuckin
I'll fuckin hang you by your fuckin dick
off a fuckin twelve sto-story building out this motherfucker

I'll fuckin
I'll fuckin
sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you
and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, August 9, 2004 10:24 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark

Was driving one of the guys I work with and his 4 year old home a couple weeks ago when I pressed play on the CD player and this started. It didn't even register with me for a few minutes until I heard the little kid voice from the backseat and frantically hit the off button. Whoops.

haaaa

you ruined someone's childhood

No idea what number this is, but:

Are you ready, Steve? A-haa..
Andy? Yeah!
Mick? OK.
Alright, fellas, let's go!

oops, looks like that was #29...

you maybe didn't break the way you should've broke, yo',
but I break

Ballroom Blitz? x-post?

This is a song about the seedy underbelly of the carnival
The part that only the kids know about
This is a song about 16 year old girls giving carnies head
for free rides and hits of pot
I wanna go

HIM: I’m sorry I’ve left my card at home.
HER: Well you’re late as well. That’s three times on the run. If you’re late again the supervisor said we’re going to put you on daily signing.
HOLLY: HA!

birds come

and then they go

― alpine static, Wednesday, 26 September 2018 06:32 (five hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i can't use what i can't abuse

and i can't stop when it comes to you

― imago, Wednesday, 26 September 2018 12:28 (twenty-four minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

both of these have an extremely similar effect, especially with the heavy guitars kicking in afterwards

if i were neil cicierega i would mash the two songs up. 'chartsenvows'

Take 1 ! ... This is cheating you know ? It's take 5.
There is an Ashanti Provebb in Ghana, which says: "Fe fe naa efe inti na, o ba tu le ka. O so ne nu fu na yese. Ebeti a to nti"
Which means: "It is because of the beauty that is why a woman holds her breasts when she runs, not because the breast is going to fall"

*Fantastic horns and synths break in

"This is a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles. We're stealin' it back."

So many Cannonball Adderley records qualify. . .

"You're rendering that scaffolding dangerous!"

No ILM goth has said this one yet?

"I still believe in God, but God no longer believes in me."

― Seb (Seb), Friday, 13 August 2004 22:11 (fourteen years ago)

Haha. This was the first thing that came into my old goth mind

That one doesn't meet the criteria. Missing parameter: excellent.

This next one is the first song on our new album

What happened to Zeke?

He's dead on Jones, man

How about Dave?

O.D'd on alcohol.

Oh, what's Rock doing?

Oh, he's living with his mother.

What about James?

He's gone straight.

"I want to be stereotyped. I want to be classified."
― f ath, Monday, August 9, 2004 12:32 PM (fourteen years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

that's the one

“Well, whaaaaat ya say, babe? You look ready as Mister Freddie this flight. How’s about you and me goin' spinnin' at the track?”

“What's that, homey? If you think I'm goin' dancin' on a dime your clock is tickin' on the wrong time.”

“Well, what's your pleasure, treasure? You call the plays, I'll dig the ways.”

“Hey daddy-o, I'm not so crude as to drop my mood on a square from way back.
I'm in there and have to dig life with father.
And I mean Father Slack.”

“Well, baby, your play gives my wig a solid flip. You snap the whip, I'll make the trip.”

1946 was the best year for music ever.

I'm Charlie, you know.

I'm Norman, pleased to meet yer.

I'm Mickey, 'allo.

.......Wilco.

I'm Johnny, how you doing? Alreet? Champion.

MY NAME, IS DAVEY.

And I'm Ian....aaand

GUESS WHAT!!

OI!

The following tone is a reference tone, recorded at our level

Alright Bill?
Alright
Come in. Where you been?
Oh round and about you know? Nowhere special
Oh what you been down Bearwood?
Yeah, that’s right. I looked in down there
What the Little Nibble? Yeah, that’s it
See anybody down there, any mutual friends or acquaintances or anything down there?
No not really, there was no one about
No one down there?
No one. What were you all talking about when I came in?
What you mean just now?
Yeah, just as I walked in?
Well, just... you know, just different things really, you know, nothing specific
No? Nothing special?
No central thing no
You weren’t talking about me were you?
About you?
Yeah me
No, honestly. No, no, I don’t know where you got that idea from
Are you sure?
Ah look, you know, we talked about different things but we never mentioned you honestly. You don’t have to worry about that Bill. Your name wasn’t mentioned
It’s alright. I know what you were all talking about
Ah you do?
Yeah. I know
Yeah, hows that then?
Come on tell me, what’s she like?
Who?
You know what I mean
Who? Who?
You know what I mean
I know what you mean but...
What's she like? What's she like?

We got it together, didn't we?
We definitely got our thing together, don't we baby?
Isn't that nice?
I mean, when you really sit and think about it, isn't it really, really nice?
I can easily feel myself slipping more and more ways
Slipping in world of our own
Nobody but you and me
We've got it together, baby

The first thing I thought of when I saw the title of this thread: Nick Cave - The Mercy Seat. I'm surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet!

It began when they come took me from my home
And put me in Dead Row,
Of which I am nearly wholly innocent, you know.
And i’ll say it again
I..am..not..afraid..to..die.

What you doin' on our turf, punk?
Got a message for Smokey.
Give it.
You Smokey, man?
Give it!
If you ain't Smokey, it ain't yo' motherfuckin' message
Motherfucker, I said gimme the message!
It's from Willie, in the slam.
Nigga, you been busted?
Yeah, the man picked me up.
Well, I ain't got no fuckin' time to play with you! Now gimme the message.
Willie's in Warwick, doin' 1-3. Told me to tell y'all motherfuckers to
Keep cool. He be out one way or another. Quick. Maybe I could stick
Around for awhile.
Naw, that's out, man. You know? What can we, The Lords, do with a punk like
You?
Kiss my ass, motherfucker! (Burn 'em) Just me and you, motherfucker, just
Me and you. I put trademarks around your fuckin' eye!

(anxiously checks to see if film dialogue is allowed)

Alright Bill?
Alright
Come in. Where you been?
Oh round and about you know? Nowhere special
Oh what you been down Bearwood?
Yeah, that’s right. I looked in down there
What the Little Nibble? Yeah, that’s it
See anybody down there, any mutual friends or acquaintances or anything down there?
No not really, there was no one about
No one down there?
No one. What were you all talking about when I came in?
What you mean just now?
Yeah, just as I walked in?
Well, just... you know, just different things really, you know, nothing specific
No? Nothing special?
No central thing no
You weren’t talking about me were you?
About you?
Yeah me
No, honestly. No, no, I don’t know where you got that idea from
Are you sure?
Ah look, you know, we talked about different things but we never mentioned you honestly. You don’t have to worry about that Bill. Your name wasn’t mentioned
It’s alright. I know what you were all talking about
Ah you do?
Yeah. I know
Yeah, hows that then?
Come on tell me, what’s she like?
Who?
You know what I mean
Who? Who?
You know what I mean
I know what you mean but...
What's she like? What's she like?
― fetter, Thursday, September 27, 2018 4:19 AM (five hours ago)

🙇

All time.

The intro to this live cover of "Today I started loving you again" by Rufus Thomas needs to be sampled on K Michelle's new country album. pretty amazing intro

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nzBGDcqQyI