Artist-specific music jokes

So make your own.

Q: What does it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets and a gun.

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

the big hand's on the little hand.

-- dysøn (dyspleasur...), September 29th, 2004.

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?

I love that one.

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

A: He has a slow hand.

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

a: michael jackson

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

Kriss Kross had songs on a variety of topics, including one about the heated final conversation between Andrew Aycock and Randy Rhoads

called "I Missed the Bus"

What do you call getting a cheap haircut on a day the moon partially obscures the sun , while listening to 30 second samples of new music from your favorite coke rap duo?

Getting clipped at Great Clips during an eclipse while listening to clips of Clipse

A Great Clips eclipse clip with Clipse clips

You know, Ann and Nancy Wilson are friends with Bonnie Tyler, and they recently started up a side business designing hair accessories made from tortoiseshell.

They call them...

Turtly clips of Heart

Let's imagine that the US government decides to reduce the incidence of muggings, so they hire Academy Award-winning musician David Byrne, who despite his seeming physical frailty is actually a pretty wiry man. He bones up on practical advice on how to stay safe while out of doors and comes up with a presentation that consists of a lecture and some slides and some dancers in pastel-coloured bodysuits and Adrian Belew.

When he reaches the topic of how to stay safe while walking home at night his chief advice is

Make flippy floppy?

I seem to recall him telling us not to worry about the government

I think I started the trend of not posting the punchlines. Sorry about that.

We should also omit part of the joke

Why did the chicken

Man walks into a

When he reaches the topic of how to stay safe while walking home at night his chief advice is

Drugs

Remain In Light

I prefer my suggestion.

If in the UK circa 2020, would it be

Bremain in Light?

irl lol at Turtley Clips

When he was young Peter Gabriel used to supplement his income with part-time work stacking shelves at a local supermarket. But one morning the supervisor took him aside and told him that he was being let go.

"How come?", asked Peter Gabriel.

"Well," said the supervisor, "the problem is that you've got no shelf control."

"No shelf control?", said Peter Gabriel.

"No shelf control", said the supervisor.

"No shelf control" said Peter Gabriel etc.

What do you call a talented R&B singer who also won the Ballon Doors?

Chakaká Khan

Ballon D'or

The Ballon Doors are a band of singing soccer players who exposed themselves on stage

Little-known fact: Brian Eno was approached about appearing on Saturday Night Live in 1997.

But he refused because of his dislike for the humor of Norm McDonald, who was then hosting "Weekend Update."

"Oh no," Eno reportedly said, "here come the Norm jests."

nice

On first attending St Joseph's College, Ipswich, in 1959, Brian Eno was surprised to find out that physical education classes were scheduled for 09:00 and also 10:30.

"But", he said to his tutor, "that's BEFORE and AFTER science!"

And that is how ambient space pop was invented.

Bored, and at a loose end, Brian Eno decided to write some quirky vocal pop of a kind he used to do in the 1970s. In need of a vocalist, he picked up the phone and got in touch with Phil Oakey of The Human League.

"Phil", said Brian Eno, "it's about time we worked together. I was only going to write a few songs, but I've written an entire album. It's quirky vocal pop of a kind I used to do in the 1970s."

"That's incredible," said Phil Oakey. "Have you thought of a name?"

"Yes," said Brian Eno. "I think it should be called Music for Phil".

I can’t believe I haven’t posted this on here before, and I’m sorry for doing so now. I made up this joke in high school (newly redone for reading instead of listening).

“Did you know that after John Lennon’s death, Yoko Ono briefly married Sonny of the duo Sonny and Cher? When they divorced, she had a brief, ill-fated marriage to U2’s singer. Her rebound marriage to the father of ambient music was also a bust, but she has found lasting love with — of all people — the founder of PopLlama records.

Now she’s known as Yoko Lennon-Ono-Bono-Bono-Eno-Uno.”

Fun fact, I know a guy who wrote a song around the premise that if Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto had married actor Bob Balaban and opera promoter Sir Rudolf Bing, she could be called Benazir Bhutto Balaban Bing.

When she tragically died in a car explosion, his wife quipped "Benazir Bhutto Balaban Boom" (rather poor taste, imo). Then when it turned out her head hit the ceiling of the car, the quip became "Benazir Bhutto Balaban Bonk."

Sidenote: During the 2000 Olympics it was pointed out that if Dutch swimmers Inge de Bruijn and Pieter van den Hoogenband got married, she could be called Inge de Bruijn van den Hoogenband.

She didn't die in a car explosion though.

I thought I'd better check Wiki and it seems she might have and she might not have.

... but she probably did.

She didn't.

But Inge de Bruijn did.

Brian Eno parked his rental car and surveyed the local area. It was lush and verdant, but where were the mountains? Where were the ski slopes? He had travelled all the way to northern Tasmania, but where were the cable cars? Where were the cows, with bells?

And then it dawned on him.

"Shit", he thought. "Could it be that there's another Grindelwald?"

This one’s probably too obvious, but…

Brian Eno has recorded a Richard Thompson tribute album.

It’s called Music for Fairports

Okay that one is good

Brian Eno was into Fourth World music for awhile, but all he really got out of it was a taste for international fusion cuisine. He’s finally opened his own Asian/Middle Eastern restaurant. It’s called Noodles in the Camel’s Eye.

Makes sense, he’s a real renaissance man. I recall that he coauthored a fitness rehab manual with his physical therapist after he strained an abdominal muscle

The Oblique Strategies

he's also written a book about his lark as a medium for US presidents: My Life in the Ghost of Bush

Did you know that he mother of the lead singer of The Animals briefly considered terminating her pregnancy?

She said, "I am not sure I can bear this Burdon."

In the early 1980s Simple Minds asked Brian Eno to produce their next album. But Eno had to turn them down because he was too busy.

"Sorry, lads", he said, "the government has asked me to write something for Charles and Diana's forthcoming tour of the Mediterranean. It's taking an age. Do you know what I'm going to call it? Di's Crete Music."

West Country Bob Geldof: "The silicon chip in ciderhead"

Did you hear R&B superstar George Michael once ranted about Americana music being funkless?

He said "Little Feat have got no rhythm"

Brian Eno has recorded a Richard Thompson tribute album.

It’s called Music for Fairports

They're holding an English folk-rock festival just outside Rochester NY, the Fairport Fairport Convention Convention.

I'm reminded of Richard and Linda Thompson's tribute to Brian Eno, I Want to See the Warm Jets Tonight, which was inspired by a trip the three of them took to a burlesque club in Hamburg in 1976.

Q. What did Bernie Taupin say to Elton John when he saw a small rabbit exercising?

A: "It's a little fit bunny..."

reluctant lol

And of course there was Richard and Linda Thompson and Brian Eno's Shoot Out the Warm Jets, which caused Wikipedia to be banned in the UK for several months on account of the cover art.

and The Warm Jets' album Here Comes Brian Eno

Most people don't realise that Mounjaro's secret ingredient is Whisky.

But Thin Lizzy let everyone know: "There's Whisky in Mounjaro"

What can’t drive 55 but can buff your chrome?

Shammy Hagar

why did squeeze fire their woodwind player?

they got tempted by the flute of another

Ok, I laughed at that one.