Artist-specific music jokes

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There aren't too many, I reckon.

Q: When did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs?
A: His entire career.

Q: Why were the Byrds great?
A: They set Bob Dylan songs to music.

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

I heard a Cliff Burton/Metallica joke once, but I can't remember it.

So make your own.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

This one's from the 80's and needs updating but I'll tell it exactly as it appears on Marc Riley and the Creepers "Bard of Woking" which is where I heard it first.

Q: What does it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets and a gun.

― everything, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:58 (twenty-one years ago)

q :: what has 9 arms and sucks¿
a :: def leopard.

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

― dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:18 (twenty-one years ago)

That Clapton joke is great!

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

UPDATE YR BEATLES JOKE PLEASE...two bullets.

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

celine dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "what's with the long face"?

― wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

how do you know it's midnight at michael jackson's house?

the big hand's on the little hand.

― wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:20 (twenty-one years ago)

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

-- dysøn (dyspleasur...), September 29th, 2004.

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:37 (twenty-one years ago)

MOUTH FULL OF SORES.

― DEEBZ (ddb), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Sumner: Coming down to the pub then, Ian?
Curtis: Nah, think I'll just hang around here.

― the epistemology of Kylie, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:49 (twenty-one years ago)

a golden oldie :
what do you call a cow with wings?
linda mccartney.

― zappi (joni), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?
no¡ do tell.

― dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

there was a sketch on Mr. Show once with an eric clapton-like character who kept capitalizing on tragedies by writing songs about them to win awards. also he has a rivalry with a brian wilson-type character which leads to some funny shit. you really just have to see the episode yourself, my telling of of it doesn't do it justice.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:06 (twenty-one years ago)

ah yes, the Teardrop Awards sketch. "Take it from me, a guy who's got mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sooooooooores..."

― Shakey Mo Collier, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's hands?
A: Neither has he

― rentboy (rentboy), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
A: Linda McCartney.

― Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What's Sid Vicious's real name?
A: John.

― King Korn Karn, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Where does Kylie go to buy her dinner?
A: Jason's doner van.

I love that one.

― Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Who's cooler: Lemmy or God?
A: Trick question -- LEMMY IZ GOD

― Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:27 (twenty-one years ago)

q: where to cantaloupes and honeydew send their kids for the summer?
a: john cougar melon camp.

― fact checking cuz (fcc), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:28 (twenty-one years ago)

TOM WAITS FOR NO MAN

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:44 (twenty-one years ago)

What was that one...What do you get when you cross a pirate and a urinal? "Arrr Kelly" or something like that.

― frankE (frankE), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:49 (twenty-one years ago)

JC Penney's is having a Michael Jackson sale ... little boys pants 1/2 off.

― JC-L (JC-L), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to change the lightbulb and another one to look bored.

― daavid (daavid), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say to the qualified job applicant?
A: You're totally hired!

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

― cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Derek Erdman told me those. He's a laff riot.

― cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is plastic and harmful to children, the other holds groceries.

― My name is Kenny (My name is Kenny), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Why couldn't Eric Clapton save his son?

A: He has a slow hand.

― Gooey Lewis, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Why is R. Kelly so good at blackjack?

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

― djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (twenty-one years ago)

That one doesn't work as well on paper.

― djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (twenty-one years ago)

fuck, some of these are killing me!

― ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:26 (twenty-one years ago)

My favourite music-joke punchline: That's not Bono. That's God. He just thinks he's Bono.

― Bruce S. Urquhart (BanjoMania), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:27 (twenty-one years ago)

maybe bono should be replaced by someone else in that joke.

― dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Q: What's black and white and has two eyes?

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:40 (twenty-one years ago)

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black

― 6335, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:44 (twenty-one years ago)

q: what's black and white and comes in little cans?

a: michael jackson

― Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:21 (twenty-one years ago)

God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is God.

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:22 (twenty-one years ago)

So then, Nietzsche WAS right.

― Duder Supreme, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:25 (twenty-one years ago)

A 1983 British classic for you...

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

― marco (marco), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:36 (twenty-one years ago)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!

― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:43 (twenty-one years ago)

What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0?

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Taxi driver dropping off the Mael brothers at an airport, struggling to get one of their suitcases out of the boot. Turns to a nearby man and says 'when this gets out, Sparks are gonna fly'.

― Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip Glass

― udu wudu (udu wudu), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Hah, that one is great.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

― Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, there's also (though it's not artist-specific)

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Michael Philip, that joke is pure genius

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:25 (twenty-one years ago)

So The Who was having a problem in their hotel suite. While everyone was trying to get some sleep, the lead singer was starting to freak out, throwing furniture around and threatening the other members of the band. Slowly they came to the realization that he'd gone loco, so they jumped on him, tied him up with the bedsheets to restrain him and then took him down to the hospital for a psychiatric analysis.

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 447 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Most people don't realise that Mounjaro's secret ingredient is Whisky.

But Thin Lizzy let everyone know: "There's Whisky in Mounjaro"

― Mark G, Monday, 6 October 2025 21:36 (seven months ago)

What can’t drive 55 but can buff your chrome?

Shammy Hagar

― dentist looking too comfortable singing the blues (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 10 October 2025 03:17 (seven months ago)

why did squeeze fire their woodwind player?

they got tempted by the flute of another

― Reggaeton Sax (NickB), Sunday, 19 October 2025 16:41 (six months ago)

Ok, I laughed at that one.

― She's the Tariff (cryptosicko), Sunday, 19 October 2025 17:00 (six months ago)

two months pass...

Q: Hey I'm remixing "Danger Zone" and need to download the stems from the studio's ftp site. It's asking for a usrname and password; what should I use?

A: Kenny's login.

― calmer chameleon (Ye Mad Puffin), Friday, 9 January 2026 15:39 (four months ago)

Q: What do you call a Liverpudlian musician who cleans the house at midnight?

A: An orchestral man hoovers in the dark.

― bored by endless ecstasy (anagram), Thursday, 22 January 2026 09:03 (three months ago)

North American version:

Q: What does a hillbilly do when he cleans the house at midnight?

A: Go dark; maintain dust devils.

― pplains, Thursday, 22 January 2026 17:44 (three months ago)

lol x2

― budo jeru, Thursday, 22 January 2026 18:02 (three months ago)

What do you call an R&B singer who refuses to let poorly written novels into his home?

Luther Bandross

― Bertolt Blecch (Neanderthal), Monday, 2 February 2026 16:25 (three months ago)

I just got the Dust Devils one, a week after the fact.

David Byrne, explaining why his spouse never wears a head scarf, even in coldest weather:

My wife in babushka roasts…

― cinematic hobo hip-hop rock ‘n’ roll blues-jazz soul-review (Dan Peterson), Tuesday, 3 February 2026 16:09 (three months ago)

one month passes...

Oh, you're a Guided by Voices fan, can you name 5000 songs by them?

― Liquid Plejades, Saturday, 7 March 2026 16:26 (two months ago)

1. Elephant Shoe Turn Diamond

― 138,683 Serious, Earnest Americans Emphasize Demand for Prepar (President Keyes), Sunday, 8 March 2026 00:05 (two months ago)

2. Encephalitic Bathtub Girls

― dentist looking too comfortable singing the blues (hardcore dilettante), Thursday, 12 March 2026 01:52 (one month ago)

Oh, no, this is a whole thread to do

― dentist looking too comfortable singing the blues (hardcore dilettante), Thursday, 12 March 2026 01:52 (one month ago)

what brand of basketball shoes does robert smith wear?

― reggie (qualmsley), Tuesday, 17 March 2026 20:41 (one month ago)

. . .

despair jordans

― reggie (qualmsley), Tuesday, 17 March 2026 20:41 (one month ago)

Who was the most amusing member of the Cure?

...

....

LOL Tolhurst

― calmer chameleon (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 17 March 2026 22:02 (one month ago)

xpost Robert Smith is such a Michael Jordan fan he even roots for the Charlotte Hornets Sometimes.

― 138,683 Serious, Earnest Americans Emphasize Demand for Prepar (President Keyes), Tuesday, 17 March 2026 22:07 (one month ago)

3. I Am A Little Teacup

― Crappo FX (flamboyant goon tie included), Wednesday, 18 March 2026 00:11 (one month ago)

"I love Fall Out Boy because they remind me of my son."
-Eric Clapton

― dream mummy (map), Thursday, 19 March 2026 00:54 (one month ago)

Eamon, of Fuck It fame, who had a hit in the 80s with Take on Me?

Oohh.... Oh! a-ha, yeah?

― you can see me from westbury white horse, Thursday, 19 March 2026 00:56 (one month ago)

Xpost lmao

― Strawmandalorian (Neanderthal), Thursday, 19 March 2026 01:23 (one month ago)

Xp: James Brown at trivia night

― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Thursday, 19 March 2026 03:37 (one month ago)

What did Sonny and Cher name their pet Andean guinea pig?

Cuy Bono.

― calmer chameleon (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 24 March 2026 22:48 (one month ago)

Knock knock
Who's there
Midge
Midge who?

― kornrulez6969, Tuesday, 24 March 2026 23:04 (one month ago)

3. I Am A Little Teacup

chef's kiss

― fact checking cuz, Wednesday, 25 March 2026 03:00 (one month ago)

waiter, waiter, there's a bomb in my car

― massaman gai (front tea for two), Wednesday, 25 March 2026 20:03 (one month ago)

Who is Billy Idol's favorite member of the Three Stooges?

Moe, Moe, Moe.

― calmer chameleon (Ye Mad Puffin), Thursday, 26 March 2026 11:15 (one month ago)

Wilson Pickett a close second

― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, 26 March 2026 19:48 (one month ago)

Q: Alvin Lucier, what are you doing now?

Lucier: I am sitting in a room, different from the one you are in. X20

― Mollusk, Virginia (Boring, Maryland), Thursday, 26 March 2026 20:55 (one month ago)

Seen elsewhere:

Store chrckout clerk: "Did you find everything you were looking for today?"

Bono: (takes deep breath)

― calmer chameleon (Ye Mad Puffin), Thursday, 26 March 2026 21:21 (one month ago)

As with all of U2’s songs, that song is truly a meditation on grief.

― well damn, Jackie, I can’t control the CIA (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 26 March 2026 22:00 (one month ago)

BF: I hear they have Roland Kirk Pez dispensers now. You tilt the head back and
two candies come out.

(from a 1990 Bananafish interview of Royal Trux)

― brimstead, Wednesday, 8 April 2026 02:30 (one month ago)

What do you call a Helloween song about a new Delta policy providing NFL players playing in the City of Brotherly Love complimentary airfare?

"Eagles Fly Free"

What do you call a Genesis song about a ball thrown for philosophers who study the Age of Enlightenment?

"I. Kant Dance"

What do you call a Three Dog Night song lamenting his mother's insistence on abstinence?

"Mama Told Me Not to Cum"

What do you call a Phil Collins about him asking a friend to watch his recently purchased firewood while he used the Home Depot bathroom?

"Billy, Don't Lose My Lumber"

What do you call a Genesis song about Andrew Ridgely getting faint and collapsing in a barn onto a bed of dusty, low-quality cut-and-dried-herbaceous plants?

"The Wham! Lies Down on Flawed Hay"

― Shitpost Malone (Neanderthal), Friday, 10 April 2026 15:17 (one month ago)

Billy AND Rikki needed to do better contact management imo

― a burrito, my gazebo (Ye Mad Puffin), Friday, 10 April 2026 15:30 (one month ago)

What do you call a Genesis song about a Swedish taxi?

ABBAcab

― The Quaker Gurvitz Army (President Keyes), Friday, 10 April 2026 15:41 (one month ago)

I remember when Smash Hits interviewed King frontman Paul King and they asked him what his favourite album and single was of recent times. He said Love by the Cult and "Pride" by U2.

― you can see me from westbury white horse, Wednesday, 15 April 2026 15:38 (three weeks ago)

... errrrr, is that a joke?

― Clarinet Cop (Tom D.), Wednesday, 15 April 2026 15:40 (three weeks ago)

Yes I made it up

― you can see me from westbury white horse, Wednesday, 15 April 2026 15:41 (three weeks ago)

But those are what his heart yearned for now

― you can see me from westbury white horse, Wednesday, 15 April 2026 15:41 (three weeks ago)

what did paul simon say to susanna hoffs watching birds migrate south over the late autumn outdoor music festival VIP section skies?

― reggie (qualmsley), Wednesday, 15 April 2026 19:15 (three weeks ago)

I don't know, qualmsley, what did paul simon say to susanna hoffs watching birds migrate south over the late autumn outdoor music festival VIP section skies?

― peace, man, Thursday, 16 April 2026 11:51 (three weeks ago)

it's a hazy shade of cameron

― reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, 16 April 2026 12:44 (three weeks ago)

Why was Whitney Houston so good at video games?
Because she had great HAND EYYYYYEEEEE-EEE-EYE CO-ORDINATIOOOOO EEE OOO EEEE OOOON

― ledge, Saturday, 18 April 2026 10:31 (three weeks ago)

The title 'It's Not Right (But It's Okay)' always reminds me of something Bruce Forsyth might say on Play Your Cards Right, consoling a contestant's incorrect guess of Lower before reminding them that the Brucie Bonus is still to play for

― you can see me from westbury white horse, Saturday, 18 April 2026 10:36 (three weeks ago)

It was definitely a "catchphrase" employed by Roy Walker: "It's good, but it's not right"

Yeah, that song *always* reminded me of that...

― Mark G, Saturday, 18 April 2026 11:00 (three weeks ago)

https://i0.wp.com/lovebelfast.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/catchphrase.png

― Clarinet Cop (Tom D.), Saturday, 18 April 2026 11:02 (three weeks ago)

(xp) Beat me to it!

― Clarinet Cop (Tom D.), Saturday, 18 April 2026 11:02 (three weeks ago)

It's in the delivery tho - "It's not right, but it's (spoken higher) okay, you've still got Brucie's Bonus to play for'

― you can see me from westbury white horse, Saturday, 18 April 2026 16:00 (three weeks ago)

Did you hear about how Naughty By Nature is recording a new album? Here's the catch though - all the lyrics are generated by machine learning.

it's Hip Hop Hoor-A! I! A! I!

― peace, man, Wednesday, 22 April 2026 11:37 (two weeks ago)

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