Artist-specific music jokes

So make your own.

Q: What does it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets and a gun.

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

the big hand's on the little hand.

-- dysøn (dyspleasur...), September 29th, 2004.

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?

I love that one.

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

A: He has a slow hand.

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

a: michael jackson

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

Who is Billy Idol's favorite member of the Three Stooges?

Moe, Moe, Moe.

Wilson Pickett a close second

Q: Alvin Lucier, what are you doing now?

Lucier: I am sitting in a room, different from the one you are in. X20

Seen elsewhere:

Store chrckout clerk: "Did you find everything you were looking for today?"

Bono: (takes deep breath)

As with all of U2’s songs, that song is truly a meditation on grief.

BF: I hear they have Roland Kirk Pez dispensers now. You tilt the head back and
two candies come out.

(from a 1990 Bananafish interview of Royal Trux)

What do you call a Helloween song about a new Delta policy providing NFL players playing in the City of Brotherly Love complimentary airfare?

"Eagles Fly Free"

What do you call a Genesis song about a ball thrown for philosophers who study the Age of Enlightenment?

"I. Kant Dance"

What do you call a Three Dog Night song lamenting his mother's insistence on abstinence?

"Mama Told Me Not to Cum"

What do you call a Phil Collins about him asking a friend to watch his recently purchased firewood while he used the Home Depot bathroom?

"Billy, Don't Lose My Lumber"

What do you call a Genesis song about Andrew Ridgely getting faint and collapsing in a barn onto a bed of dusty, low-quality cut-and-dried-herbaceous plants?

"The Wham! Lies Down on Flawed Hay"

Billy AND Rikki needed to do better contact management imo

What do you call a Genesis song about a Swedish taxi?

ABBAcab

I remember when Smash Hits interviewed King frontman Paul King and they asked him what his favourite album and single was of recent times. He said Love by the Cult and "Pride" by U2.

... errrrr, is that a joke?

Yes I made it up

But those are what his heart yearned for now

what did paul simon say to susanna hoffs watching birds migrate south over the late autumn outdoor music festival VIP section skies?

I don't know, qualmsley, what did paul simon say to susanna hoffs watching birds migrate south over the late autumn outdoor music festival VIP section skies?

it's a hazy shade of cameron

Why was Whitney Houston so good at video games?
Because she had great HAND EYYYYYEEEEE-EEE-EYE CO-ORDINATIOOOOO EEE OOO EEEE OOOON

The title 'It's Not Right (But It's Okay)' always reminds me of something Bruce Forsyth might say on Play Your Cards Right, consoling a contestant's incorrect guess of Lower before reminding them that the Brucie Bonus is still to play for

It was definitely a "catchphrase" employed by Roy Walker: "It's good, but it's not right"

Yeah, that song *always* reminded me of that...

https://i0.wp.com/lovebelfast.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/catchphrase.png

(xp) Beat me to it!

It's in the delivery tho - "It's not right, but it's (spoken higher) okay, you've still got Brucie's Bonus to play for'

Did you hear about how Naughty By Nature is recording a new album? Here's the catch though - all the lyrics are generated by machine learning.

it's Hip Hop Hoor-A! I! A! I!

What do you call a Mamas and the Papas song about a fledgling magician that took two tries to pull off his signature trick?

I Saw Her Again

lol

What did Steve Winwood do when he failed to let go of the bowling ball after he threw it?

Roll with it

What did Steve yell during sex that caused his wife Nicole to divorce him?

Valerie!

What did Steve angrily yell at the Renaissance fair owner who wouldn't hire his friend to joust?

"Don't You Know What the Knight Can Do?"

Why did it take Steve Winwood so long to release a solo album?

He was stuck in Traffic

Lol

What kind of boat carries two of every piece of scuba equipment?

The ark of a diver.

What's Steve's Monopoly strategy?

If you see a Chance, take it

(lol apparently I've had that lyric wrong for years)

why did the lead singer of the contortions slap Psychic TV’s Genesis p-orridge?

he forced the hand of chance

As the Beatles were readying to split, Sir Paul McCartney was worried that the grannies who dug his "granny music shit" wouldn't stick around for his solo career

Fortunately, Mother Mary came to him in a dream and said "There will be a nan, sir. Let it be."

A decade later, after the death of John, Paul was wondering who the first post-Lennon pop star would be, the one to unite the country's youth in the way the Beatles had once done

Mother Mary came to him in a dream to inform him that "There will be an Ant, sir. Let it be."

A decade later, Paul ordered a vegetarian Indian meal at his favourite curry house. When the order arrived, the aloo gobi, pilau rice and poppadoms were all present and correct, but the bread Paul had ordered as an accompaniment was missing. He called the waiter over and pointed out the missing bread. "Don't worry," replied the waiter. "There will be a naan sir, let it be."

Paul was playing live and he asked Tommy why his bass sounded so fucked up and what they should name the next album. Tommy said, “Poured beer on my amp, sir. Let it be.”

why george harrison winch problem?
the wrong end winding load

lol

busta rhymes: No, víte, přišli jsme roztočit diskotéku. Ú-há! Mám vás všechny!

hahaha

Whilst arranging the band's first tour, Denny Lane of Wings was tasked with keeping the expenses as low as possible. After going through the budget with Paul McCartney there was one sticking point.

"There must be a dancer", said McCartney. "Let it be."

Leo Sayer used to throw incredible block parties. They were potlucks, and everybody brought their own specialties. He had a friend, Lee, who cooked a mean ribeye. His other friend, Bernadette, always brought her amazing Jambalaya. But his favorite dish came from Mickey, the child of his childhood friend Daniel. Mickey was a professional chef and prepared the best veal parmigiana he'd ever tasted.

Unfortunately, Daniel and Mickey were lost at sea one day and never seen again. In their honor, he continued to hold his block parties, where everyone would tell their favorite stories of the two. People still brought their favorite dishes, but it just wasn't the same anymore.

Leo thought maybe it was time to end the potluck. So he planned to tell everyone this was the last one. But this time, Bernadette didn't bring Jambalaya.

Leo felt a familiar scent coming from the plate. It couldn't be. He took some, and sat down to eat. Instantly, tears rolled down his face.

Bernadette asked him why he was crying. He said, tears in his eyes, "You make me veal like Dan's son!"

During some downtime between tours the members of Rush liked to spend time playing Napoleonic wargames. But they didn't always get along. One night they had a big argument about whether to play Command and Colors: Napoleonics or Blücher.

Geddy Lee was a fan of the former, but Alex Lifeson overruled him.

When asked why, Lifeson replied "I've said it before, but the Command and Colors' unit selection is inadequate. You can't have Napoleonic-era combat without a wide range of cavalry. In particular, there must be a lancer, Geddy Lee".

In 1997, when Boutros Boutros-Ghali was forced to suspend his campaign for a second term as Secretary-General of UN due to an unprecedented veto by the US, nobody knew who it should be instead. For some reason, they asked Bono, and for some reason, Bono asked Paul McCartney.

Fortunately, Mother Mary came to him in a dream and said "Give me Kofi, not Essy. Easily'.

There must be Annan, sir.

Is that the joke?

A contemporary composer walks into a bar, asks for water, and drinks it.

The bartender asks, "fill up glass?"

"yes please i am partch"
"but we don't want you sitting on your bartoks all day nursing your one glass of water, nono!"

"I don't give a Schnittke what you think and if you're expecting a Tippett the end of the night, you can Birtwistle for it - this is Britten, I'm free to do what I please."