The most boring number one ever?

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Well, isn't it? No detectable reason why this record should exist; nothing which needed to be expressed through this record apart from keeping the tedious Tory Freddie Starr wannabe's career options open for a further three minutes? No conceivable subtext - not even one which you can make up yourself, e.g. Tweenies record which is seemingly constructed entirely of old Northern Soul samples (St Etienne must be kicking themselves) - and there was an interesting article in Friday's Guardian re. Xmas record buying in HMV Oxford St. Williams/Kidman was the largest selling single in the store on the day of the vox pop, but no one seemed to have come in to buy it as a priority, just adding it to other purchases with the general tenor of "not that great, but y'know they say it's gonna be the Xmas number one, so suppose I should have it."

Although how nice that their scheme may be thwarted by the ex-lead singer of King Crimson (second time in 25 years, tho' Greg "Punk Was The Death Of Honest Rock Music" Lake was stuck at No 2 behind Bohemian Rhapsody).

― K Nakerzyiad, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Hi there! I'm from the U.S. and don't know what the hell you're talking about. Could you please put an artist and song title in here somewhere so I can understand at last? Thanks!

― M. Matos, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

No, the most boring UK number one ever (at least recently) was "Spiller" by Groovejet!!! Either that, or any of Westlifes "hits"!!!!

Old Fart!!!!!!!!!

― Old Fart!!!!, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well even Westlife's interchangeable 96 number ones have a point insofar you can get annoyed about them. But this "Somethin' Stupid" just sits there like a big turd. Pointless and in the way.

Btw, quick explanation for our transatlantic friends: the new number one single in the UK is a note-for-note cover version of the Frank and Nancy Sinatra 1967 No 1 "Somethin' Stupid" "sung" by the overstretched Robbie Williams with the on-her-uppers Nicole Kidman. It stems from a similarly large-selling album "Swing When You're Winning," a vanity record wherein Mr Williams travelled to Capitol studios in Hollywood to make note-for-note copies of standards as sung by the likes of Mr Sinatra and Bobby Darin, but with the technical ability and charisma of neither.

The record which threatens to unseat it to become the "Christmas" No 1 is an MoR song entitled "How Beautiful You Are" (not to be confused with the old Joe Cocker weepie "You Are So Beautiful") sung by 55- year-old Gordon Haskell, who sang with King Crimson some 30 years ago, which is being played to death and requested to death by our national AoR radio station, BBC Radio 2.

"Tedious Tory" because that's how Mr Williams votes; and "Freddie Starr wannabe" refers to the veteran "outrageous" British comedian and impressionist whose act has not changed since 1965 and wonders why no TV station will touch him like a bargepole. Falls on mercy of ITV every Xmas to let him do a hysterically unfunny Xmas special which invariably climaxes in a spirited rendition of Billy Ray Cyrus' 1992 transatlantic chart-topper "Achy Breaky Heart" backed by the Woolpackers, the house band from ITV's popular soap opera "Emmerdale."

I trust that this simplifies matters considerably.

― K Nakerzyiad, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The vocals in King Crimson were always superfluous anyway. Sounds like British TV is even worse than US (as if this was ever in doubt).

― Sean, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"Falls on mercy of ITV every Xmas to let him do a hysterically unfunny Xmas special which invariably climaxes in a spirited rendition of Billy Ray Cyrus' 1992 transatlantic chart-topper "Achy Breaky Heart" backed by the Woolpackers, the house band from ITV's popular soap opera "Emmerdale."

Actually, doesn't he always conclude with a version of Don McLean's "Vincent", only pretending that his vocals are on a tape and the tape keeps speeding up and slowing down? Almost everytime I've seen him on TV throughout the years he's done that gag.

― Chris Lyons, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

There are number ones more boring than "Groovejet"! Why do I even comment on this?

― Simon, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Christ, so that's who it is! Robbie and Nicole! I kept hearing it on the radio and thinking how awful it was, but never bothered to investigate further.

― Ally C, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

It's too bland to be awful, though. I can't imagine hearing it multiple times a day for a prolonged period; I'd go mental and start teething on Oasis singles.

― David Raposa, Monday, 17 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I have instructions to buy either "Swing When You're Winning" or the latest Elton John album for someone in my family this Christmas. Talk about dilemmas!

Re "******ing Stupid" at No.1 - y'see Daniel B, I told you that doin' an acoustic version on TOTP was a bad idea. You should have done a Robbie and duetted with a video of your DJ or something.

― Jeff W, Tuesday, 18 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Am I going mental, or does one of the tracks on RW's swing elpee ("When I was 21" I think) actually turn into the Sinatra original mid- way through?

I heard this in a shop the other day, and thought [i] Oh Christ, he's going to do a Natalie/Nat hands-across-the-void spooky duet (but he doesn't) and/or [ii] the staff have pulled a smart trick and seamlessly cross-faded into the original (but no - the next track was Williams squealing again). It's very odd.

― Michael Jones, Tuesday, 18 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The answer is (ii), sort of; they just superimposed FS' vocal on the second half. Not as embarrassing as the Royal Albert gig, though, where RW sat at the edge of the stage gazing thoughtfully at old footage of FS (from the "A Man and his Music" programme by the looks of it) and weeping tears of clear crocodile. As if he would have given a shit even two years ago.

― K Nakerzyiad, Tuesday, 18 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

the problem is way more the song than the singer

in what even vague sense is nicole kidman "on her uppers"?

he didn't give a shit two years ago = completely meaningless criticism

no it isn't the most boring number one ever but it is boring

― mark s, Tuesday, 18 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Look Sinker, don't fucking get arsey with me. I'm not in the mood for it. RIGHT?

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 19 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

(hmm, yes, i was a bit, wasn't i?: put it down to midnight posting grumpiness what with no heating in my flat suddenly)

― mark s, Wednesday, 19 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

No, the most boring UK number one ever (at least recently) was "Spiller" by Groovejet!!! Either that, or any of Westlifes "hits"!!!!

Spiller's 'Groovejet' is a great song. You stand accused of tomfoolery, but are saved by your just hatred of all things Westlife. I reckon Westlife might actually be the worst popgroup of all time.

― DV, Wednesday, 19 December 2001 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

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