LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: I was having a wank the other night
ANTHONY MICCIO: Mmm.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: I was down in the living room .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... having a wank, er, the, the telly was on .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... and, er,
ANTHONY MICCIO: What did you use to arouse you?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: What did? ..... er,
ANTHONY MICCIO: What, visual stimuli? Or .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah, I had the television on .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: What, what…
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... but I wasn't looking at it.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Oh, I see, just…
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: No.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Just the .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: I had a toilet roll which I'd greased out,
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: And I had my knob in it.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: And, er, I plugged it into, er, into the train set. And, er, you know,
I put the train set on and every time it went over the junction, you know .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Ter-, terrific vibes.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: And, erm, I was just about to cum .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: And, er, Dolly came down the stairs.
ANTHONY MICCIO: What, the wife?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah. Opened the door, she said, "Err, what you doin' Camilla?" I said, "Er, oh, I feel te-, I've got a migraine .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... and, er, the doctor told me to stick my knob in a toilet roll if
I got a migraine."
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: And, er, you know, er, she said, "Oh darling, I'm sorry, I'll make you a cup of tea."
ANTHONY MICCIO: Oh, so she didn't suss that you were .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: No.
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... actually having a wank.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: So, anyway, she went out .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... and I was just, as I say, I was just getting my load off, and it went all over the train set and everything, .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... she came back in, she said, "What's that on the train set?"
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: I said, "That? I just spilled my medicine, .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... I've fucking spilled my medicine .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: That, yeah, yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... on the train set." And, er, so she scooped it up .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... and I had to fucking drink it!
ANTHONY MICCIO: Oh no.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: But I felt, funnily enough I felt much better when I drank it.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Your migraine went, did it?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: My migraine went completely.
ANTHONY MICCIO: What, you, talking about migraines, er, I was having, er, well, what was basically my nine o'clock Wednesday wank. Well .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: What, morning or afternoon?
ANTHONY MICCIO: No, no, no, evening wank!
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Evening wank!
ANTHONY MICCIO: Evening wank. And, er .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: You don't have a nine o'clock mo-, a.m. wank?
ANTHONY MICCIO: Not, well, I don't ..... it's down in my diary, but I don't normally, just .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: You hardly ever, it's just really a, that's really, er, .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: That's an "optional".
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Optional, right, yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah. But I was having my nine in the evening wank, you know, and Audrey is usually out, er, selling pins about that time of night, you know.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: (giggles)
ANTHONY MICCIO: She sells these pins to people, er, that's what she says in any case .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... and who am I to doubt it?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Right. The fact .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: And so I thought I was alone in the house .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... the fact she comes home with her hair matted with spunk is, you know, not really .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Well .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... here or there.
ANTHONY MICCIO: No, that's part of the pin-selling business.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Right.
ANTHONY MICCIO: And, er, I was having, you know, a reasonable, a reasonable wank. I won't say it was, you know, "out of this world" because it wasn't, I was a .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Just a, you know, run of the mill .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... run of the, run of the mill, er, wank.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: 'Cause I had this picture of, er, Clement Attlee up on the, er, windowsill, and I'd, er, drawn in a huge, er, .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Moustache?
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... moustache .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Mmm, gawd.
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... on his, on his, on his, you know, on his, .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: On his chin.
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... on his chin. And, er, I was getting really excited, you know, 'cause Attlee with a moustache on his chin is .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Awww, fuckin' 'ell, mate.
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... is a turn on at the best of times, in he?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Oh, what?
ANTHONY MICCIO: "Clem the Gem", they didn't call him that for nothing.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Right.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Biggest fucking sex symbol this country ever fucking produced.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Right.
ANTHONY MICCIO: But! Anyway! I was wanking away and, frankly, I was going slightly berserk, you know.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Clinging onto things, you know, .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... jerking all round the room, pulling down all the furniture and fittings, and, er, grabbing hold of the carpet and being sick in the ashtrays, you know, really having a .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Well .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... a good .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... a run of the mill .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... run of the mill Wednesday nine o'clock wank. In comes the last person I expect: Audrey. Got back early from selling her pins.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Oh, fucking hell.
ANTHONY MICCIO: And she said, "'ere, Anthony, what you doing?"
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: And I said, "Audrey, love .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: (giggles)
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... I am acting under instructions. There are fourteen members of the Russian secret police positioned around the room disguised as wallpaper. With guns pointing at my head. And they have ordered me to finger my private parts continuously for the next hour, otherwise they'll shoot me."
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Right.
ANTHONY MICCIO: And she, you know, understood the situation and, er, well, .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: L- .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... swallowed it, yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Funny you should say that 'cause I went home to tea, last, er, last Tuesday, saw my Mum, you know - she went over there to get a cup of tea, and, er, I thought, "I'll have a wank while she's getting it done", you know.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Er, 'cause I like a wank, you know.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Well, you had a bit o-, you thought it'd take her about five minutes .....
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Five minutes .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: ..... to brew.
LA CAMILLA HENEMSARK: ..... to brew, I thought, you know, .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: "Have a four and a half minute wank." Why not? W-why not? It's a free fucking country, init?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Right! Exactly. So I got, er, I got the old knobber out, you know, and .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: You got your old one out, did you?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Yeah.
ANTHONY MICCIO: I thought you were running in the new one?
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: No, no, no, not yet. I'm saving that.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Oh, I see.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: And, I was, you know, really sort of smacking away, and, er, I had a photograph of my Dad there, you know, and that really gets me going, as you know.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: So, anyway, I was just, er, just cumming over his face, you know.
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: Fucking door opens, my Mum comes in with the tea .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Oh no.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: She said, "What are you doing, Derek?" I said, er, "All right", I said, "All right, now you have to know the truth: I've got cancer of the knob .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... and I have to get this pus out every day. Every day I have to get this pus out." And, er, she said, "Well what's, what's it doing all over Dad's picture?"
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: I said, er, .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: That's a bit of a poser for you.
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: I said, "Well, I have to face due North, you see .....
ANTHONY MICCIO: Oh yeah!
LA CAMILLA HENEMARK: ..... when I'm wanking - I MEAN! - when I'm getting the pus out." Made a slip, you see. She didn't notice 'cause, er, she farted at that moment and covered the word "wanking". She said, "What did you say?" I said, "When I'm, erm, 'thinking'." So, er, then I said, er, "I've, I have to face due North because it's something to do with the poles."
ANTHONY MICCIO: Yeah.
― Dadrockismus (Dada), Wednesday, 9 February 2005 15:00 (twenty-one years ago)