"We built this Starbucks on heart and soul..."

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The Stranger: The Week In Review - Thursday February 24.

"The scene: The Starbucks Licensed Stores Awards ceremony, a celebratory/motivational leadership conference, held this evening in the fourth-floor ballroom of the Washington State Convention Center. "Boring stuff, as usual corporate things go," writes our man Cilantro. But things took a turn for the surreal when the emcee announced "something special for you all--Jefferson Starbucks!" after which the hydraulic stage rotated to reveal a pretend band comprised of the upper-management folk the audience had heard speak earlier in the evening. "They were standing in front of a huge American Bandstand-esque 45 single dangling in the air," writes Cilantro. "And they all had on rock 'n' roll Halloween costumes: pink glitter wigs, white fishnet shirts, fake leather pants, as well as big fake instruments--a huge, oversized piñata guitar and keyboards. It was like a living cake decoration." From this most promising of plateaus, Jefferson Starbucks quickly ascended to the heavens, lip-synching their way through a company-specific rewrite of Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City," the 1985 anthem that made fresh headlines last year by topping an international critics' poll of the worst songs ever. But tonight, Starship's crap was Starbucks' gold, as "We Built This City On Rock 'n' Roll" was reborn as "We Built This Starbucks on Heart and Soul!" with lyrics rewritten to celebrate the Starbucks way:

Knee-deep in the mocha/making coffee right
So many partners/working late at night
We just want to build here--IMDS, does it pass?
We call on development to complete the task!
Living the way of being,
In the Green Apron Book!
Don't you remember?
We built this Starbucks on heart and soul!

The rewrite even replicated the weird helicopter news report that appears in the middle of the original: "I'm looking out over hundreds of partners on another fantastic leadership conference and I'm seeing a bunch of everyday heroes!" "I couldn't fucking believe it," writes Cilantro. "The rest of the crowd was stunned, too. Eventually, the emcee berated them--'Come on you guys! Dance! This is your band! This is for you!'--and the crowd half-heartedly got up and just stood there." (A moment of silence for the million silent deaths experienced by the audience during the song's merciless four-minute-and-48-second running time.) Best of all, before his departure, Cilantro was given his very own copy of the inexhaustibly mind-blowing song, pressed onto souvenir CDs and distributed with pride by Starbucks stars. Dear Cilantro: Thank you for surviving and sharing. Humanity is forever in your debt. Dear readers: To hear "We Built This Starbucks" in its entirety, go to thestranger.com/specials/starbucks.php."

― mike t-diva (mike t-diva), Friday, 4 March 2005 09:48 (twenty years ago)

Not for the squeamish...

― mike t-diva (mike t-diva), Friday, 4 March 2005 09:50 (twenty years ago)

Coffee Bean needs to take this ball and RUN with it

― Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (Gear!), Friday, 4 March 2005 09:51 (twenty years ago)

This is the greatest thing I have ever read.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 4 March 2005 10:37 (twenty years ago)

Satan is alive and walks among us and has become a trance producer

Sadly this record is no longer even available on the internet...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 4 March 2005 10:38 (twenty years ago)

From now on, this song is the hidden track on every mix tape and/or CD I make.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Friday, 4 March 2005 11:08 (twenty years ago)

Makes Toyah Wilcox's keynote speech to the BCSC Shopping Centre Management Conference look almost classy...

― mike t-diva (mike t-diva), Friday, 4 March 2005 11:18 (twenty years ago)

They do know that We Built This City was by Starship, not Jefferson Starship?

/pedant

Perhaps at next year's conference, Jefferson Starbucks could do some of their earlier incarnation's repertoire: "Don't you want somebody to serve? Don't you need some coffee to pour? You better find some customers now."

― davidsim (davidsim), Friday, 4 March 2005 15:40 (twenty years ago)

This is so clearly the best thing ever to have happened in the whole history of the universe that I must poke my head above-ground to salute it.

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Friday, 4 March 2005 15:57 (twenty years ago)

hi j0hn!

― M@tt He1geson (Matt Helgeson), Friday, 4 March 2005 16:03 (twenty years ago)

Haha Mike, I was the recipient of that Toyah press release. The full version is even worse.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 4 March 2005 16:05 (twenty years ago)

we will meet that emcee in hell, surely.

― f--gg (gcannon), Friday, 4 March 2005 16:05 (twenty years ago)

this has totally ruined my friday.

― maria tessa sciarrino (theoreticalgirl), Friday, 4 March 2005 16:34 (twenty years ago)

Hi John!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 4 March 2005 16:50 (twenty years ago)

I actually love the original song, so I'm always baffled by the animosity it inspires. I've played cover versions of it in front of paying audience members and it has gone over a storm.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 4 March 2005 16:51 (twenty years ago)

My friend works at a Starbucks. In their handbook it says that if a health inspector comes, do not tell him anything.

― David Allen (David Allen), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:01 (twenty years ago)

By the way, this is fucking brilliant. Especially the crowd response.

― David Allen (David Allen), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:01 (twenty years ago)

xpost: Aha, so is this the fabled Green Apron Book?

― mike t-diva (mike t-diva), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:05 (twenty years ago)

x-post: yeah, I was going to ask: Is the book really called the Green Apron Book? Has a nice, fascistic, indoctrinating feel to it.

― Tim Ellison (Tim Ellison), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:06 (twenty years ago)

"knee deep in the mocha" is the greatest euphamism for anal sex ever btw

― Jams Murphy (ystrickler), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:16 (twenty years ago)

oh you didn't

― Sven Bastard (blueski), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:28 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, but so's knee-deep in the hoop, la'

― davidsim (davidsim), Friday, 4 March 2005 17:28 (twenty years ago)

I was just wondering the other day how could the worst song ever be made any worse?

― righteousmaelstrom, Friday, 4 March 2005 18:02 (twenty years ago)

the more you listen to it the better it gets

― J0hn Darn1elle (J0hn Darn1elle), Friday, 4 March 2005 19:25 (twenty years ago)

Alright, now my interest is piqued:

Can someone tell me what "We just want to build here--IMDS, does it pass?" means?

― righteousmaelstrom, Friday, 4 March 2005 19:36 (twenty years ago)

What a lame crowd.

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Friday, 4 March 2005 19:46 (twenty years ago)

Somewhere Grace Slick is gnashing her teeth.

― ffirehorse, Friday, 4 March 2005 20:08 (twenty years ago)

hey she stooped low enough to be part of a band that recorded that song, she deserves all this kinda crap

― chris andrews (fraew), Friday, 4 March 2005 20:13 (twenty years ago)

Somehow all of the above is not nearly as unsettling to me as this:

SEATTLE, WA. (Edelman/ www.edelman.com/ www.starbucks.com) - Starbucks Coffee Company (Nasdaq:SBUX) today announced the release of two exclusive CDs, both of which were produced by Starbucks Hear Music in collaboration with Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell Artist's Choice and Joni Mitchell: Selected Songs are exclusively available at Starbucks Company-operated stores in North America.

Starbucks Hear Music's newest CD releases provide unique insight into Mitchell's singular genius:

Joni Mitchell Artist's Choice consists of eighteen of Mitchell's favorite songs. Featuring song-by-song commentary written by Mitchell, the album provides a revealing glimpse into the artist's personal and aesthetic inspirations, which are as richly diverse as her own musical catalogue. As her celebrated forays into the genre would suggest, jazz (the DeBussy classic "Clare de Lune," Billie Holiday's "Solitude," Miles Davis' "It Never Entered My Mind," and more) figures prominently in Mitchell's selections. Among the album's surprises are Chuck Berry's "Johnny Be Good" and the New Radicals' "You Get What You Give."

― ffirehorse, Friday, 4 March 2005 20:15 (twenty years ago)

...jazz (the DeBussy classic "Clare de Lune," Billie Holiday's "Solitude," Miles Davis' "It Never Entered My Mind," and more) ...

Either the PR writer is a buffoon, or s/he thinks way outside the box.

― David R. (popshots75`), Friday, 4 March 2005 20:19 (twenty years ago)

What a lame crowd.
-- sundar subramanian (sundar_subramanian200...), March 4th, 2005.

I don't hear a crowd on the one I downloaded. Is the "Server 2" clip different?

― Rick Massimo (Rick Massimo), Friday, 4 March 2005 20:30 (twenty years ago)

"The rest of the crowd was stunned, too. Eventually, the emcee berated them--'Come on you guys! Dance! This is your band! This is for you!'--and the crowd half-heartedly got up and just stood there.(A moment of silence for the million silent deaths experienced by the audience during the song's merciless four-minute-and-48-second running time.)"

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Friday, 4 March 2005 22:26 (twenty years ago)

Starbucks in evil, and while this is common knowledge, its totally true. A few of my friends worked there last year and they were thoroughly brainwashed. All they talked about was work and they would voluntarily do things like devote Saturday mornings (that they had off) to cleaning up parks for PR. It got real old real fast, cos we would always end up hanging out at multiple Starbucks...

― Adam Bruneau (oliver8bit), Friday, 4 March 2005 22:35 (twenty years ago)

All the girls who work at my closest Starbucks are totally hot and do nothing but goof around all day, I wouldn't mind getting knee deep in some of that

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 4 March 2005 22:51 (twenty years ago)

plenty of big companies do shit like this. my old one would have very similar things at sales events, big company parties, etc. middle-age office managers and office ladies LUV this shit.

the lamer, the better.

― kingfish, Friday, 4 March 2005 22:56 (twenty years ago)

A very earnest Metafilter thread has materialized.

― ffirehorse (firehorse), Friday, 4 March 2005 23:43 (twenty years ago)

IMDS, does it pass?.......

― m0stly clean (m0stly clean), Saturday, 5 March 2005 01:32 (twenty years ago)

International Minions of Damo Suzuki?
Internal Management Decision System?
Ilove Music Database Sentry?
does it pass? does it?

― m0stly clean (m0stly clean), Saturday, 5 March 2005 02:17 (twenty years ago)

I actually love the original song

Sir, you wound me.

This is quite...something.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 5 March 2005 03:16 (twenty years ago)

It's catchy! Plus the timing of it is really weird if you listen closely, I think it's brilliant actually.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 5 March 2005 03:20 (twenty years ago)

I swear I'm not just being contrary! I mean people like Queen right, so it's not the pomposity alone per se. Maybe the thin sound of the keyboards, the glossiness, is a real turn-off for a lot of people. But the dynamics are great - i.e. loud/soft - and I'm a sucker for that (along with the pomposity of course) and the way the guitars are treated reminds me of an even more fun "Underneath It All" at times

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 5 March 2005 03:29 (twenty years ago)

i also love this song(the original, that is). above and beyond the incredible self-assuredness and guts it takes to record such a song, there's some bizzare imagery too. this is an anti-system song from a band who'd just sold into the system. 'who counts the money/underneath the bar/who rides the wrecking ball/into our guitars'. There's such a confident and weirdly wistful force to the song... i can't explain, but I do love it.

The pomo of the bridge is fantastic; this would have been a different song in each market, theoretically, as local DJs would record their own call letters over the san francisco stuff. 'this city', that we built on rock and roll, is actually *every* city that steps up to make it their own. we built EVERY city on rock and roll! it's participatory!

Tracer OTM on the timing, the bass and drum lines in the chorus especially.

― derrick (derrick), Saturday, 5 March 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

wow, just listened to it; that's amazing. are the complete lyrics anywhere? i had trouble making out some lines.

― derrick (derrick), Saturday, 5 March 2005 10:01 (twenty years ago)

See, this is the kind of beautiful thing that just wouldn't be possible under godless Communism.

― latebloomer: Klicken für Details (latebloomer), Saturday, 5 March 2005 10:02 (twenty years ago)

MuchMoreMusic listed the original as the worst video of '85 last week. I think this might be one reason why some people hate it so much:

this is an anti-system song from a band who'd just sold into the system.

(A fall from Grace, so to speak? Sorry...) I can also see how sometimes it might seem like a gross mix of saccharine hooks and blaringly shrill production/voices (+ overplay in the 80s). It's the kind of thing that can be really intrusive in an unwelcome context - in a grocery store, say. I do think it's catchy myself. The loving and detailed Starbucks tribute has honestly made me appreciate it more, along with your comments. I always thought "knee-deep in the hoopla" was a pretty great phrase.

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Saturday, 5 March 2005 11:10 (twenty years ago)

MuchMoreMusic listed the original as the worst video of '85 last week.

It might be significant, BTW, that they chose to play the video in its entirety while they didn't do the same for any others, including the "best video of '85" (the brilliant "Take On Me"). My housemate and I sat there mocking its tackiness and lamenting Grace Slick's decline but it says something that we didn't turn the TV off until it finished.

― sundar subramanian (sundar), Saturday, 5 March 2005 11:14 (twenty years ago)

And I've never seen them do that for any other "Back in (year)" shows. I caught part of that show also and I'd forgotten how spectacularly bad that video was. The song is quality, though.

A few years ago, I came to the realization that somebody needs to do a Krautrock/S3 version of this song using two drummers, an organ, and at least four guitarists.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Saturday, 5 March 2005 11:39 (twenty years ago)

Also HOW DARE ANYONE SAY THIS IS THE WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN IT IS FUCKING AMAZING AND TRACER WE WILL AIR GUITAR TOGETHER IN SPANDEX HEAVEN!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 5 March 2005 12:20 (twenty years ago)

This Starbucks version is total twee shit though. Where is POWER and PASSION and DRIVING ROCK ENERGY of the original?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 5 March 2005 12:25 (twenty years ago)

I got as far as the "living the way of being/in the green apron book" and I couldn't stand any more. That's just terrible.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Saturday, 5 March 2005 12:47 (twenty years ago)

I truly thought this was a response to a parody article, until I saw the song link. Never was that old Onion article more true. "When you see what we've been brewing up at Starbucks, you'll have no choice but to like it!"

― Dare, Saturday, 5 March 2005 12:55 (twenty years ago)

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