Okay, now here's a tricky question for you: You are dating Don Van Vliet when you are out alone at a party and Tom Waits hits on you. What do you do?

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And we're talking about the same Tom Waits dressed in the shabby black suit from the Cold Cold Ground number.
Do you:

A) Realise that most men would chew off their left testicle for a chance with Don Van Vliet and knock back Waits.

B) Realise that most men would chew off both of YOUR testicles if you didn't put a Waits notch next to a Van Vliet notch on your bed post. Take Waits home and keep it secret from Van Vliet?

C) Call your friends and say, "You are going to believe this" - then call Don and risk hell by asking if he'd be up for a threesome?

D) Dump Van Vliet immediately and go with Tom?

E) Finally realise what a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being you must be for wasting your time and everyone else's by creating ludicrously pointless threads like these?

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 09:52 (twenty years ago)

Frankly, I'm undecided.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 09:52 (twenty years ago)

Hell, I'd introduce Tom and Don and get the hell distance away. And video it.

At least you know what Tom tastes like...

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 28 April 2005 09:55 (twenty years ago)

weird, this actually happened to me.

― Lee F# (fsharp), Thursday, 28 April 2005 09:57 (twenty years ago)

"At least you know what Tom tastes like... "

Curiously enough, actually, I don't: although I'd hazard a guess he tastes a bit like eggs and sausage and a side of toast, coffee and a roll, hash browns over easy, chile in a bowl with burgers and fries,
what kind of pie?

Am I right?

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 09:59 (twenty years ago)

You know, don't you...

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 28 April 2005 10:03 (twenty years ago)

Can you parody something that's already a parody??

― hobart paving (hobart paving), Thursday, 28 April 2005 10:06 (twenty years ago)

Evidence suggests yes.

― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Thursday, 28 April 2005 10:08 (twenty years ago)

Silly question, really.

What does that make this? A metaparody??

― hobart paving (hobart paving), Thursday, 28 April 2005 10:11 (twenty years ago)

am i not allowed to answer this?

― fra lippo liposuction (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 28 April 2005 10:40 (twenty years ago)

cuz i'd get with waits, no question.

― fra lippo liposuction (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 28 April 2005 10:40 (twenty years ago)

thing is, i like their records so much, i think i prob. would enjoy some
shenanigans with them both if i had the opportunity, even tho i dont think i like fucking old men

― Frogm@n Henry, Thursday, 28 April 2005 11:37 (twenty years ago)

I'm too busy gettin' my decals licked by Don to give Tom the time of day.

― Heidy- Ho, Thursday, 28 April 2005 12:07 (twenty years ago)

It'd be kinda like that bit in Buffy where Anya wants to take both Zanders home and fuck them, y'know? I think Don'd be almost flattered (I'm taking this as 80s Waits, obv)

― A Viking of Some Note (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 28 April 2005 12:10 (twenty years ago)

I dunno - Don + the mask = fun times...

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 28 April 2005 12:12 (twenty years ago)

Stanky

― A Viking of Some Note (Andrew Thames), Thursday, 28 April 2005 12:14 (twenty years ago)

I respect Don more as a singer and a musician - but I think Tom would be more agile and accomodating between the sheets.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 12:15 (twenty years ago)

Don's assertion that "women understand my music better than men" has not proved true, in my experience. Although I have known some great women who enjoyed my playing "Dirty Blue Gene" loudly in the morning, I can't say I'd recommend it for a healthy sex life, in the long run. Anyway, I don't mind Tom Waits but Van Vliet beats 'em all over the place (no pun intended).

― edd s hurt (ddduncan), Thursday, 28 April 2005 14:08 (twenty years ago)

This is actually a scene in Cocoon III

― miccio (miccio), Thursday, 28 April 2005 14:13 (twenty years ago)

I'm gonna grow fins
'N go back in the water again

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

(D)

Van Vliet made better music, but Waits is way sexxier.

― o. nate (onate), Thursday, 28 April 2005 15:28 (twenty years ago)

Chewing off testicles for Don Van Vliet? I'm not a gay man, but I do question the "'most men' realization" above. He's old, ugly and weird.

― Lemonade Salesman (Eleventy-Twelve), Thursday, 28 April 2005 16:48 (twenty years ago)

He may be hungry but he sure ain't weird!

― Baaderonixxxorzh (Fabfunk), Thursday, 28 April 2005 16:55 (twenty years ago)

Hang on a minute - Don may be old and ugly, but he sure ain't weird!

(Fwiw you might have found that the clearly rather dubious assumptions that may appear to underlie this thread would have made just a little bit more sense in the context of an earlier thread that has apparently now been deleted!)

(x-post)

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 17:03 (twenty years ago)

aha!

― Lemonade Salesman (Eleventy-Twelve), Thursday, 28 April 2005 17:05 (twenty years ago)

Basically the names Don Van Vliet and Tom Waits were substitued for the names Rachel Stevens and Holly Valance.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 17:07 (twenty years ago)

You have three guesses as to the identity of the author of the original thread.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 17:08 (twenty years ago)

Hm, well now I'm curious about the consensus on that other thread.

― Lemonade Salesman (Eleventy-Twelve), Thursday, 28 April 2005 17:09 (twenty years ago)

I could be wrong but I rather think that the overall consensus was that Calum's an irritating little twat.

― Stewart Osborne (Stewart Osborne), Thursday, 28 April 2005 17:12 (twenty years ago)

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