Defend The Indefensible: Neil McCormick's 'People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Me'

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Apologies to those who have seen this already. Actually, greater apologies to those who haven't, because it may just make your eyes bleed.

The Torygraph's music critic Neil McCormick has written a song in reaction to the London bombings, which will be released as a single. Yes, the money's going to charity, but does that really justify any of the following?

The song is addressed to our terrorist enemies, posed as a series of hard questions about why they would attack fellow human beings they have never met. It is called People I Don't Know Are Trying to Kill Me.

...It was something I had started writing months before, after reading headlines about the terrorist threat to London. I bashed it out in rough form on an acoustic guitar to my friend Bono one night and he became very animated.

"This is a song that needs to be heard now," he insisted. He even suggested that U2 might record it as a B-side. So finally, when I got back to London on Thursday night, I finished it. I picked up a guitar and verses just poured out. "And when I'm turned to dust, will Allah or Jesus claim me?/And me?/Can't you hear the crying in the streets? Broken glass beneath your feet? Children and mothers weep to shame thee/I live in a world where people I don't know are trying to kill me."

― Flyboy (Flyboy), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:07 (twenty years ago)

Maybe it's got a cracking tune?

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:11 (twenty years ago)

Actually, let's break this down...

1) Tory
2) music Critic
3) makes record

2) Critics should not make records. Just cause you crit, does not mean you can do better. Do one thing or the other.

1) Obviously overrides all else. No more rock and roll for you!

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:13 (twenty years ago)

Maybe Bono was trying to be nice?

Or he knew U2 weren't doing any more new singles for aaaaaages?

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:14 (twenty years ago)

Would it be very churlish to suggest that this record might inspire a whole new bunch of people Mr McCormick doesn't know to try and kill him?

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:18 (twenty years ago)

"my friend bono".

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:20 (twenty years ago)

NEIL MCC0RMICK KNOWS BONO!!!!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:22 (twenty years ago)

LIKE HES HIS FRIEND AND STUFF!!!1

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:22 (twenty years ago)

Why, he's never mentioned that before!

― Flyboy (Flyboy), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:23 (twenty years ago)

"My friend Bono has a super mega band... Doesn't care, about to crash!"

― Flyboy (Flyboy), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:24 (twenty years ago)

ambulance chasers = dud.

but "Critics should not make records" - as usual, Neil Tennant and Chrissie Hynde to thread.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:26 (twenty years ago)

Ah, but point being, they did not crit and make records at the same time!

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:35 (twenty years ago)

dear torygraph give me mccormick's job kthnx.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:37 (twenty years ago)

Hmm your filofax seems Bono-less Mr.Carlin. NEXT.

― Tom (Groke), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:39 (twenty years ago)

b-b-but i have been quoted on U2 in simon r's book!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:41 (twenty years ago)

Any treatments for the upcoming video shoot Mr so-called McCormick will be filming?

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:50 (twenty years ago)

I would be very willing to shoot Mr so-called McCormick boom boom.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:51 (twenty years ago)

This is so "Nobody's making a charity record about this, now's my chance!"

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:52 (twenty years ago)

i speak as a reformed delinquent. i've done enough death-wishing in my time.
-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), July 20th, 2005.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:52 (twenty years ago)

those mccormick sideburns are turning me into a recidivist!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:53 (twenty years ago)

Neil McCormick - tough on crime, causes of crime.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:54 (twenty years ago)

Neil McCormick - tough on crime, causes of crime.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:55 (twenty years ago)

Dammit. causes of crime.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:55 (twenty years ago)

I wonder if perhaps McCormick had been around at the time of the Aberfan tragedy he'd have released a song called "Got The Wait Of The World On My Shoulders"?

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:58 (twenty years ago)

he'd probably have done a cover of "working in a coalmine."

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:01 (twenty years ago)

or "People I don't personally know are tipping coal onto my head"

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:02 (twenty years ago)

or "I Blame The Recividist Wilson Socialist Government" (backing vocals by Quintin Hogg and Kingsley Amis)

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:05 (twenty years ago)

I suspect a lot more people McCormick doesn't know are now trying to kill him. Good on ~~them~~us!

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:05 (twenty years ago)

does this mean petridish will be unveiling details of his own tribute single in the friday review tomorrow?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:07 (twenty years ago)

"People I don't know have been trying to kill me for the last 5 years"?

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:08 (twenty years ago)

"People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill The UK Music Scene By Not Appreciating The Greatness Of British Sea Power"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:09 (twenty years ago)

I hear Allison Graham is also to release a tribuute single, called "Yes, 59 People May Have Died, But On The Plus Side Ricky Gervais Wickedly Funny New Sitcom Extras Is To Debut Tonight, And It's Sure To Become A Cult Classic In Much The Same Way The Office Was"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:11 (twenty years ago)

can someone just kill this guy so bono and geldof can release the charity answer single: 'you know what they did kill him ...'

― doomie x, Thursday, 21 July 2005 10:05 (twenty years ago)

i just read the article. it made me violently ill. he is using a terrorist attack to further the cause of his shite music career. i hope he rots in hell.

― doomie x, Thursday, 21 July 2005 10:16 (twenty years ago)

am not a rock star who commands the world's attention, just a music journalist with a sideline as an obscure recording artist (operating under the pseudonym The Ghost Who Walks).

UTTERLY FUCKIING TASTELESS.

seriously this is fucking awful. the whole article was so FUCKING tasteless.

― doomie x, Thursday, 21 July 2005 10:23 (twenty years ago)

I couldn't even bring myself to read the mutter. Ta.

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 July 2005 11:05 (twenty years ago)

Doomie OTM. This cunt should be cunting cunted for this cunty cuntishness. This isn't Petridish dressing up as a twit for a cheap laugh, this is a turd exploiting tragedy. Why moan here? Complain to his shitty employers. I did the day this shite appeared.

― snotty moore, Thursday, 21 July 2005 14:18 (twenty years ago)

readrel@telegraph.co.uk

i just did. i urge others to do the same!

― DOOMIE X, Thursday, 21 July 2005 15:39 (twenty years ago)

Coming soon: "People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Me (Slight Return)"

Just kidding, London folks. Stay strong.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Thursday, 21 July 2005 16:30 (twenty years ago)

According to Holy Moly! today this only sold EIGHT copies. Good. Fuck him.

― Raw Patrick (Raw Patrick), Friday, 29 July 2005 21:34 (twenty years ago)

he and dennis madalone should collaborate

― Fetchboy (Felcher), Friday, 29 July 2005 21:41 (twenty years ago)

Have any of you seen the video??? Try living in London and traveling to work wondering if you're gonna bite the big one. The song touched me...who cares if you can nit pick? Who cares if you hate the telegraph? This is a bit bigger than all of your petty shite! So he can't sing...neither can Snow Patrol or Badly Drawn Boy...and I bet you love that shit. Chill out AND pray for peace on Earth.

― Tim Smith, Monday, 1 August 2005 00:54 (twenty years ago)

Should Mr. McCormick pass on, you would appear to be an appropriate replacement.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 1 August 2005 02:02 (twenty years ago)

So he can't sing...neither can Snow Patrol or Badly Drawn Boy...and I bet you love that shit.

Perhaps his knowledge of ILm is limited to Geir's contributions?

― The Jive Session (elwisty), Monday, 1 August 2005 15:19 (twenty years ago)

"People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Melody"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 1 August 2005 15:21 (twenty years ago)

"Tim Smith". Right.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Monday, 1 August 2005 21:55 (twenty years ago)

Surely Bono has better things to do.

― The Jive Session (elwisty), Monday, 1 August 2005 22:02 (twenty years ago)

Bono told me: 'Your song needs to be heard now'

This is the most cuntish thing I have ever read. Apart from werenotafraid.com, of course.

― baboon2004 (baboon2004), Monday, 1 August 2005 22:15 (twenty years ago)

Before any objections: I live in London, and I certainly don't want cunts like this singing for me. Imagine if this were to be the last thing you ever heard before being blown to pieces? Now THAT's tragedy.

― baboon2004 (baboon2004), Monday, 1 August 2005 22:17 (twenty years ago)

Fuck - have to say it one more time.

CUNT!!!

― baboon2004 (baboon2004), Monday, 1 August 2005 22:18 (twenty years ago)

Fortunately it's unlikely to be the last thing anybody hears.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Monday, 1 August 2005 22:18 (twenty years ago)

Has anybody else read his book ("Bono's Doppleganger" in the U.K., "Killing Bono" elsewhere)? I read it and it was a mistake.

― J (Jay), Monday, 1 August 2005 23:15 (twenty years ago)

So I guess you've answed my question. You haven't seen the video. And you're right, my "knowledge of ILm is limited". What the fuck are you talking about? Speak english. I simply made a comment about how at least half of the bands we see today can't even sing. You're right, that's a tragedy. But the "real" tragedy is all of the hate in the world...which causes greed, envy, jeaousy AND piss takers we all love to take the piss out of...think about it. Maybe all of you rightous bastards should remeber this could be the begining of WW3 and MAYBE this messenger, albeit flawed (Jesus wasn't perfect AND neither are you), is expressing something deeper than superficial jokes AND "ha, ha, ha...I have a computer and can vent out because my life sucks", maybe he's trying to get off his fat arse and do something to help. Or maybe you're right, it better to stick your head in a gas oven and listen to Coldplay until the world stops turning.

Just see the video.

― Tim Smith, Tuesday, 2 August 2005 02:13 (twenty years ago)

fuck up sook

― shine headlights on me (electricsound), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 02:18 (twenty years ago)

maybe he's trying to get off his fat arse and do something to help

In this case, sitting on his fat arse and saying nothing does more to help.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 02:21 (twenty years ago)

So, Mr bin Laden, what was it that led al-Quaeda to renounce violence?

We heard this record by a guy called Neil McCormick, and it really brought home the horror of what we were doing. If only more of you smug decadent infidels had tried to, y'know, do something. And that video...wow.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 05:42 (twenty years ago)

Sorry Mr Tim Smith I was just remarking that the bands you listed as not being able to sing The Badly Drawn Boy and Snows Patrol are not bands greeted with universal favour on this forum which goes by the name of I Love Music (ILm for short.)

And for those of us who haven't seen the video could you please tell us what happens in it?

― The Jive Session (elwisty), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 09:47 (twenty years ago)

"traveling," "answed," "jeaousy," "rightous," "remeber," "begining," "it better."

hey, perhaps our "friend" "tim" should learn to "speak english"!

and i speak as a sometime fan of the badly drawn boy.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 09:57 (twenty years ago)

arrgggh. I FORGOT ABOUT THIS TERRIBLE EXPLOITATIVE DIRGE. YEAH, PEOPLE IN LONDON ARE STRUGGLING TO MAKE LIVING DAY-BY-DAY BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY DON'T NEED A SHITTY AWFUL BONO-INSPIRED SHITHEAD TO MAKE MONEY FROM THEIR ANXIETY. CAN WE JUST FLUSH THIS ONE DOWN THE TOILET SO I CAN HAVE ERRR... A LITTLE BIT OF FAITH LEFT IN HUMANITY.

― doomie x, Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:03 (twenty years ago)

Try living in London and traveling to work wondering if you're gonna bite the big one.

IS THE BIG ONE THIS AWFUL FUCKING IDEA OF A SONG? IF SO I HOPE I NEVER BITE THE BIG ONE ON THAT CUNT OF A SONG.

― doomie x, Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:05 (twenty years ago)

personally i think they should rush out "jerusalem" by simon finn as a single as it is a trillion times more pertinent. have you heard that one doomie? pass the distance - what an album! richard thompson meets wild man fischer circa 1970!!

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:06 (twenty years ago)

WW3 and MAYBE this messenger, albeit flawed (Jesus wasn't perfect AND neither are you), is expressing something deeper than superficial jokes AND

NEIL MCCORMICK IS A MESSENGER OF WHAT? 'I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE FAMOUS ... 'OH LOOK PEOPLE HAVE DIED IN A TRAGEDY ... I'LL USE THAT AS MY SPRINGBOARD TO FAME AND PUT MY PRESS RELEASE IN MY PAPER'

i hope that song is a superficial joke and then maybe i'd get it.

no i havent heard jerusalem....!

― doomie x, Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:10 (twenty years ago)

otherwise, he is a ghoul and what little respect i had for bono for writing one has gone as well.

― doomie x, Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:11 (twenty years ago)

http://www.playlouder.com/feature/+bunch-of-45s-2/

By Thursday, mistimed journalistic punchline Neil McCormick?s opportunistic pre-cum of a song touching memorial to the recent attacks in London ('People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Me') was racing up the charts.

It was looking set to break all chart records and stay at number 1 forever as a nation fell under the spell of The Ghost Who Wanks? coupling of a melody that would make your pubic hair grow back inside your skin in horror and disgust and lyrics that would make Rick Allen laugh his other arm off lovely tune and an Important Modern Political Message.
HOLD ON A MINUTE..! It?s only sold eight copies!!

Even people I know haven't bought my record :(

Wonder if Neil's 'bezzers', Sting, David Gray and Bono, have bought their copies yet.

Now perhaps we can see an end to people using their publishing platform as a completely shameless plug for their hidden agendas. TSK!

(The Holy Moly Rules of Modern Life Vol.1 is out in all good bookshops on October 21st.)

People I Don't Know Are Trying to Kill Me

MeatLoaf-style Subtitle: ....And People Who Have Known Me For Years Are Telling Them Where I Live.

― doomie x, Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:19 (twenty years ago)

I haven't heard this record yet. I have heard snow patrol, and they were pretty lame. Possibly there is a point to be made somewhere about shit singers in indie bands, but perhaps it could be made better than mr smith made it. I presume this is a different "tim smith" to the one from the cardiacs?

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:24 (twenty years ago)

If I'm guessing right, the Tim in question is a radio broadcaster and journalist on London Live/Radio2 etc:

And I'm betting he is almost certainly a mate of Neils.

Surely though, beyond the sarcasm and screams of 'cunt' any reasoned individual can see that in plain terms (and forgive me for stating the obv), writing a song/making a video concerning these events, going public and releasing a single into the commercial world is entirely inappropriate and given Neil's past credentials are you really that surprised at the overall tone of this thread Tim?

Would be great if Tim from Cardiacs posted here (ILX) as he is a stand up fellow, but sadly it's not.

― mzui (mzui), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:44 (twenty years ago)

If it is the broadcaster Tim Smith, then I'm surprised they're letting people into the BBC with such base literacy levels. Then again, I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised. I'm more of a Desmond Carrington man myself.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 2 August 2005 10:50 (twenty years ago)

Hello, just back, saw Private Eye saying about the nine copies...

Umm, maybe Bono was being nice? To his friend?

Neil: "Hey bono, wanna hear a song I did?"
B: "umm, ,..... sure..."
(after)
B: ".. yeah... people should hear it... oh my phone's on vibrate..."

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 15 August 2005 08:47 (twenty years ago)

three weeks pass...

Now trad update from Holy Moly!

"He’s the walking joke that doesn’t know its own punchline. He’s “good friends” with flag-waving hair-weaving stadium pygmy Bono (by the way, is the new iPod Nano named after him?). People he doesn’t know are trying to kill him. He’s Neil McCormick.

At the Robbie Williams album playback this week, our man with an ego the size of Kettering and a self-awareness the size of his grey, maggoty little cock, was stomping around, yammering on and on about himself.

Neil hijacked (isn’t hijacking a ‘form of terrorism’, Neil?) the whole event to talk about HIS OWN SINGLE, plus his book. He concluded - to Robbie and a flabbergasted studio - with the following quote tumbling uninvited from his leprous lips:

"Well Robbie, at least I've had a track on an album featuring Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen.""

― Raw Patrick (Raw Patrick), Saturday, 10 September 2005 23:43 (twenty years ago)

two years pass...

I remember this.

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 18 October 2007 14:30 (eighteen years ago)

Who was "Tim Smith" then?

― Noodle Vague, Thursday, 18 October 2007 14:34 (eighteen years ago)

Used to live with a guy called Tim Smith, he was hallucinated an entire conversation with Mr Scruff while on acid.

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 18 October 2007 14:36 (eighteen years ago)

"Well Robbie, at least I've had a track on an album featuring Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen.""

~~Worst Zing Evah?~~ What's the opposite of "pwned" ?

― Mark G, Thursday, 18 October 2007 14:38 (eighteen years ago)

Emancipated.

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 18 October 2007 14:39 (eighteen years ago)

If memory serves this McCormick was the bass player in a late-period line up of, I think, 18 Wheeler. Seriously.

― everything, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:10 (eighteen years ago)

Or maybe it was (Perspex) Whiteout, now that I think about it. One of the two anyway.

― everything, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:20 (eighteen years ago)

Oh blimey, Whiteout. Nearly forgotten them completely...

― Mark G, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:21 (eighteen years ago)

Apologies for preventing that from happening.

― everything, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:23 (eighteen years ago)

Another year and it would have. Never mind. Accepted.

― Mark G, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:24 (eighteen years ago)

He was in a terrible 'power pop' outfit called Yeah! Yeah! - love those exclamation marks - in Dublin in the early eighties and wrote tweely for Hot Press.

― sonofstan, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:24 (eighteen years ago)

"Whiteout? Are you sure you don't mean Whitehouse?"

― Mark G, Thursday, 18 October 2007 15:25 (eighteen years ago)

eleven months pass...

This guy vs The Guardian.

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 19 September 2008 09:16 (seventeen years ago)

Geir vs ILM.

― Marcello Carlin, Friday, 19 September 2008 09:33 (seventeen years ago)

the title would be good if it were by Wesley Willis

― Shushtari (res), Friday, 19 September 2008 14:40 (seventeen years ago)

six years pass...

Neil has opinions!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/music-news/11192852/Why-none-of-these-albums-deserves-to-win-the-Mercury-Prize.html

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 29 October 2014 16:56 (eleven years ago)

the People I Don't Know Are Trying To Kill Me video doesn't seem to be on the internet anymore ;_;

― soref, Wednesday, 29 October 2014 17:02 (eleven years ago)

You keep waiting for Gorillaz to storm the studio and stick a rocket up his posterior.

so we just repost every line of this piece in italics one bit at a time then?

― The Falun Gong Show (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 October 2014 17:21 (eleven years ago)

Scott Walker & Sunn O))), Soused: 'self-absorbed'
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1 out of 5 stars

― soref, Wednesday, 29 October 2014 17:42 (eleven years ago)

Taylor Swift, 1989: 'full of American fizz'
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Scratch beneath the shiny surface and you'll find Swift hasn’t moved so far from her country roots, says Neil McCormick
4 out of 5 stars

― soref, Wednesday, 29 October 2014 17:42 (eleven years ago)

Aretha Franklin, Sings The Great Diva Classics: 'reeks of fakery'
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Franklin's first album in 13 years proves she is no longer the powerhouse of her time, says Neil McCormick
2 out of 5 stars

― soref, Wednesday, 29 October 2014 17:43 (eleven years ago)

Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga, Cheek to Cheek, review: 'harmlessly engaging'
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Tony Bennett and Lady GaGa's album is throwaway fun, says Neil McCormick
3 out of 5 stars

― soref, Wednesday, 29 October 2014 17:44 (eleven years ago)

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