Pitchfork Review of Lady Sovereign's Vertically Challenged

"For a second I'll be the fashion police," Sov starts, and so will I: What the fuck is she thinking? First "9-5", that blowing-up omg! single everybody's technically supposed to like because (1) it's de-grimed, de-rapified, toothless pap, and (2) Sov's so fucking alt, isn't she now, talking half-assed bunk on all the collars and ties. Now this? What is this shit?

The same lame and bald, strictly identity-building crock, actually. Sov doesn't rap nimble flipping hackney, instead sing-songing the same goddamn swung-eighths flow over one of those "fun" rock-vibed, dancehall-vibed boogie bounces that will never serve her as well as the harder, grimier beats (check the Mizz Beats Remix). The best line we get is, "So I was up in this trendy bar mingling/ My keys around my neck were jingling/ And you was looking at me like it was my bliiiiiiiiiiiing!"-- 10 seconds wasted just to set up a Missy freak-on ref she's made more efficiently a thousand times before.

I have no interest in turning my back on Sov. Live she's so captivating, so dominant-- so aware that in-studio she can be an brilliant rapper but on-stage she needs to be a brilliant rapper and entertainer. But when shit's as dumbed down as this-- so willfully inconsequential as a cartoonish theme song for an even more cartoonish referendum to save the hooded sweatshirt from a UK ban-- I wonder what's happening in the board rooms. Let's put it this way: I can't see Jay-Z jumping on this one."

She's signed to the Island Def Jam Music Group. So are Bon Jovi. Lady Sovereign is not on Def Jam.

He left out the best part of that line, the retort: "Nah, she's sick!"

"you don't mean that!"
"yes i do!"
"uh... no you don't!"

I think people are reacting to the Pitchfork reviewer (and others) treating every Lady Sovereign release as a referendum on her entire career. Which, as pointed out above, has hardly started. I don't think there's anything particularly happy and bubblegum about Vertically Challenged The PF reviewer admits as much, but seems to hold "9 to 5" against her. Please review the CD you're ostensibly reviewing instead of trying to address the to-the-minute zeitgeist of grime nation.

"Random" and "Ch-Ching" are two of the best singles of the past couple of years, and Sov recorded boys vs. girls posse cut "The Battle" and "A Little Bit of Shhh!" before "Ch-Ching", so they don't count (though they're great and on here, with meh remix filler too). She has rap knees on their heads-- why jump shark? To be frank I don't know what the fuck's going on here, who Sov's talking to, why she's holding back on us.

Okay, this EP contains two of the best singles of the past couple of years, finally released in the US (one can only assume "She has rap knees on their heads" should be "She has rap heads on their knees") - but wait, she's holding back on us. That little bitch. For some reason, "Ch-Ching" and "The Battle" don't count (though they're great...). Huh?

Obviously this release is a teaser for her US tour, with a future full length in the works. Maybe "Sad Arse Strippah", "Tango", and "Blah Blah Blah" will be on it, maybe not. But I'm sure when it's released the reviewers will be alternately smug and petulant about what she releases... and about when it's released... and about what label it's on...

This shit's hot
Where the sniffer dogs
Let's get random
Zagga zagga zagga zog

And I have taken to randomly yelling out "zagga zagga zagga zog!", much to the chagrin of those who surround me.