TS: Urgh! A Rap War: Kevin Federline vs. Vanilla Ice vs. Dee Dee King

OK ILM'ers, I know you've been waiting for this superstar smackdown in which the winner is actually the biggest loser. Who's got the lamest beats, the worst rhymes, and most grimace-inducing flow? Who's got the biggest lunkhead ego and who's just frontin'? Who's the whitest?

IN ONE CORNER, we have Britney's baby daddy who's going to drop "The Truth" in '06 y'all. Believe it! He may have the smallest discography at the moment, but we know from the minute-long audio clip of "Y'all Don't Know" (or is that "U Ain't Ready"?) that this joint is going to be wiggedy-wack. Check these rhymes yo:
And this style that we create straight 2008
But I know that you really can't wait
'Cause people are always asking me
When's the release date?
Well maybe baby you can wait and see
Until then all these Pavarottis are following me

Indeed, we truly are not ready and we do not know...

IN THE SECOND CORNER we have the Perry Como of rap, Rob Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice Ice Baby. "To The Extreme": 16 weeks at number one and over seven million copies sold. 'Nuff said? Well maybe not:
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom

Ugh. What drugs were we on??? (And let's not forget his forgotten gangsta and Linkin Park reinventions...)

And LAST BUT NOT LEAST? A personal favorite: The Main Man, Dee Dee King (AKA Dee Dee Ramone), who after touching greatness with the godliest punk band of all time, apparently shot up a particular kind of heroin that turns punkers into rappers. (Dee Dee's an innovator--this was over a decade before Linkin Park yo!). Rechristening himself Dee Dee King, he became a rapping troubador of some sort, releasing "Standing In The Spotlight" to stunned crickets in 1988. Mixing rap with bizarro tropicalia/surf beats, this release was unique for its complete stupidity. As Marky Ramone told me many years ago: "One day he started wearing Mercedes Benz chains around his neck and gold rings. It was crazy. You know, I really think he lost his mind." Not guilty by reason of insanity? Let's judge these rhymes shall we?
You wouldn't believe
The places I've been
It's pretty cool
To be half German
Slap me five
Gimme some skin
I used to live
In Berlin
ICH LESS DIE ZEITUNG
JEDEN TAG
WAS IS DAS FUR MUSIK
DIE ELTERN FRAG
ZETZ HAB ICH
GENUG GESAGT
AUF WIEDERSCHEN
GUTEN NACHT
ICH FINDE ES GUT
WENN LEUTE LACHT
LACHT!

Multi-lingual (c)rap! R.I.P. Dee Dee, but you win...