very short reviews of imaginary albums

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more creedence, less creed.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 06:48 (nineteen years ago)

girls just wanna halve fun.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 06:48 (nineteen years ago)

universe collapses. disco survives.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 06:48 (nineteen years ago)

don't call it a comeback. no, really.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 06:49 (nineteen years ago)

third eye wined and dined.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 06:50 (nineteen years ago)

patti smith pattycake.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 06:52 (nineteen years ago)

Try listening to Split Enz's first album.

― Bring Me The Head of ESTEBAN BUTTEZ (ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!!), Friday, 5 May 2006 07:20 (nineteen years ago)

Fall Down

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 May 2006 07:34 (nineteen years ago)

Bang your head against the wall of sound.

― Matt Carlson (mattsoncarlhew), Friday, 5 May 2006 10:17 (nineteen years ago)

If Pet Sounds is the greatest album of all time, this is the worst.

Bored Of Canada.

Imagine a jukebox that was packed to the brim with lo-fi demos made by people who have no right to be making them, and that you worked at the bar the housed this jukebox, and you slowly, steadily, mapped out a plan to kill yourself that wouldn't be too painful.

― rhw, Friday, 5 May 2006 10:46 (nineteen years ago)

Noh wave wabe sabe.

― Rockist_Scientist (RSLaRue), Friday, 5 May 2006 13:11 (nineteen years ago)

In contusion, no.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 May 2006 13:14 (nineteen years ago)

Shit sandwich.

― Steve Goldberg (Steve Goldberg), Friday, 5 May 2006 13:23 (nineteen years ago)

junkie punk without the junk.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

For Diplo, a low dip.

― Eppy (Eppy), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:04 (nineteen years ago)

finally, a klf greatest hits; why did anybody else bother after this?

― zebedee (zebedee), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:06 (nineteen years ago)

enuff z'nuff: still misunderstood

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

Unblack as hell.

― Eppy (Eppy), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

Just because a 63-yr-old lady CAN get pregnant, doesn't mean she should.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:08 (nineteen years ago)

Word Ups and Props to Ya.

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:09 (nineteen years ago)

More like VivalDON'T.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 15:48 (nineteen years ago)

The sound of a falafel frying, the sound of a tear drying -- plus history's least funky Hammond B3 solo. I say it's Drag SHITTY, and I say to hell with it!

― morris pavilion (samjeff), Friday, 5 May 2006 16:37 (nineteen years ago)

in the future, this will sound like the future.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 16:38 (nineteen years ago)

They are the single greatest band of all time. Conor, will you stop poking me with that stick now?

― Eppy (Eppy), Friday, 5 May 2006 16:43 (nineteen years ago)

freak folk finds faux funk. fie.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 16:45 (nineteen years ago)

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 16:53 (nineteen years ago)

RAncID kills punk dead.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 16:54 (nineteen years ago)

Various Artists
Dirrty Dancing
(Vice Records)

Electroclash "luminaries" smear digital scuzz over beloved '60s dance hits. Quick, somebody put this "baby" back in a corner!

― morris pavilion (samjeff), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:05 (nineteen years ago)

And yes, I realize French people suck.

― Dominique (dleone), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:25 (nineteen years ago)

Y'know those people who send you emails offering ROCK HARD PEN1S for just pennies a day? This is their kind of music.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:27 (nineteen years ago)

All you need is another line of work.

― Dominique (dleone), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:28 (nineteen years ago)

Never was so little owed to so many by so few.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:38 (nineteen years ago)

Listen: Do you smell something?

― Matt Carlson (mattsoncarlhew), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:41 (nineteen years ago)

I'd like to say these guys suck, but I'll say "fuck off ass eyes" instead.

― Dominique (dleone), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:43 (nineteen years ago)

And you thought it was just a clever pun.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:44 (nineteen years ago)

Puts the REED (as in Lou) back in Creed.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:46 (nineteen years ago)

Needs more hen fap.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:49 (nineteen years ago)

They were better when they were gay.

― Dominique (dleone), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:55 (nineteen years ago)

If this was an apple pie, I'd serve it with American cheese.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 17:59 (nineteen years ago)

Listen to their first album instead. Or anybody's first album.

― Jason Toon (Jason Toon), Friday, 5 May 2006 18:06 (nineteen years ago)

Not as bad as the Turkish Armenian genocide of 1914-1915. But not as interesting, either.

― Jason Toon (Jason Toon), Friday, 5 May 2006 18:07 (nineteen years ago)

Could be improved with a judicious remix - turning every fader on the mixing board all the way down, for example.

― Jason Toon (Jason Toon), Friday, 5 May 2006 18:15 (nineteen years ago)

Revolutionizes post-jungle.

* * * * *

Deerhoof meets Blowfly.

* * * * *

Blip-hop.

― Vornado, Friday, 5 May 2006 18:28 (nineteen years ago)

Smatters of etheral post-rock and electro-tinged hip-hop beats. At least that's what press releases says. I did not listen to this album.

― yours fondly, harshaw. (mrgn), Friday, 5 May 2006 18:42 (nineteen years ago)

Does for indie rock what underwire did for bras.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 5 May 2006 18:44 (nineteen years ago)

Loving this one:
Not as bad as the Turkish Armenian genocide of 1914-1915. But not as interesting, either.

― yours fondly, harshaw. (mrgn), Friday, 5 May 2006 18:46 (nineteen years ago)

Sufjan Stevens' Oklahoma: The corn is as high as the tear in my eye.

― Vornado, Friday, 5 May 2006 18:54 (nineteen years ago)

LOVe IT!!!

― Walter W. Walger, Friday, 5 May 2006 19:01 (nineteen years ago)

Halfway between a blowjob from an angel and a stern talking-to from the headmaster.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Friday, 5 May 2006 19:03 (nineteen years ago)

"Music for ruining acid trips."

― father gelfling, Friday, 5 May 2006 19:04 (nineteen years ago)

Skipping 21 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

I'll never download anything ever again.

― scnnr drkly (scnnr drkly), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:16 (nineteen years ago)

There is a fine line between controlled dissonance and utter chaos, and Pete Seeger seems to know that willfully ignoring it is the fastest way to arrive at the glorious heights of musical violence and all-to-human madness. I realized by the end of the album that he has been places I would never wish to go. I would suggest you stay away from this latest collection, unless you want to know precisely where it is that all the flowers have gone.

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 20:29 (nineteen years ago)

It takes a nation of assholes to hold them back.

― Brian O'Neill (NYCNative), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:38 (nineteen years ago)

The Sonic Equivalent of a bedpan filled with lime Jello, turtle urine, and Stove Top stuffing. Flawless. 10/10.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:40 (nineteen years ago)

the sonic equivalent of hairy yogurt.

― billbrecht, Friday, 5 May 2006 20:40 (nineteen years ago)

floats like a battleship, stings like an air raid.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:41 (nineteen years ago)

This is plastic gag fake-vomit, without even the integrity to be the real thing. FIVE STARS

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:44 (nineteen years ago)

the musical equivalent of Captain Highliner's breath. Rum, haddock, and batter. 4/5

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 20:46 (nineteen years ago)

Oh yes they did.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:50 (nineteen years ago)

What has eight legs, makes loud noises, and makes girls scream? I don't know either...but it's crawling up the charts!

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:52 (nineteen years ago)

The two twelve-minute silences, entitled -- with appropriate simplicity -- "No More Clocks," and "The Return of No More Clocks (No More Clocks II)," are breathtaking.

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 20:55 (nineteen years ago)

For his comeback album, James Brown chooses an interesting approach. Instead of going on with his well-known funk style, he has now started singing rather than screaming, and the songs are highly melodic songs, or should I say "suites" as they are all 15-20 minutes long and are mainly influenced by European classical music, with snippets of Beatles and Beach Boys thrown in here and there, particularly in the vocal harmonies and the choice of chords and chord progressions.

The result is very satisfactory, and a lot better than anything he has ever done before. 47 years on from his debut, James Brown has delievered his best ever album.

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Friday, 5 May 2006 20:58 (nineteen years ago)

This album is the least unconsciously racist thing from a Norwegian I have read...uh, heard today.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Friday, 5 May 2006 21:01 (nineteen years ago)

A Wolf Eyes for the rest of us.

― elamore, Friday, 5 May 2006 21:06 (nineteen years ago)

...while the second side is more like a raging teletubbie group-fuck.

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 21:09 (nineteen years ago)

In short: Dylan finally follows through on the promise of his eponymous debut.

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 21:14 (nineteen years ago)

^^^^winner^^^^

― p@reene (Pareene), Friday, 5 May 2006 21:15 (nineteen years ago)

The best moments are when Hütter and Schneider are dueting in heavy American accents, only backed by their own acoustic guitars.

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Friday, 5 May 2006 21:16 (nineteen years ago)

fewer solos, but considerably more belching.

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 21:18 (nineteen years ago)

Bo Bice has beaten Can at their own game.

― erklie (erklie), Friday, 5 May 2006 21:19 (nineteen years ago)

ha!

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 21:30 (nineteen years ago)

Post-nasal drip-hop.

― joseph cotten (joseph cotten), Friday, 5 May 2006 21:33 (nineteen years ago)

leaves a Bhopal-like aftertaste

― tijuanas juan, Friday, 5 May 2006 21:37 (nineteen years ago)

New Crowes album dawning: severe public warning
Lions

Release Hear'Say from the top of the pyre. Snub out Westlife's final cigarettes. In the seventh circle of rock Hades, they're snivelling little imps compared to the stinking great Satan that is The Black Crowes. Here's your real enemy, kids; the men who have come to kidnap your rock music, drag it round the back of 1973 and kick seven shades of originality, vitality and wit out of it.

These despicable men wouldn't piss on your record collection if it was on fire because they reckon they know exactly what rock'n'roll is: a decrepit amalgam of Jimi, Rod and Zep that died of being rubbish around 1969 but should be preserved forever in a glass case marked 'NOT TO BE FIDDLED WITH BY HERETICS'. They're a musical Ku Klux Klan, determined that their Levi's-advert-in-a-desert bluezzzzz rock shall never be 'contaminated' with the disease of technology or invention. Following tours with those other professional Luddites, Oasis and the Stereophonics, the duet with Twatto from Toploader and Jools Holland on honky-tonk piano can only be milliseconds away. Oh for a new form of germ warfare that only exterminates self-righteous retro cun*s.

'Lions' is widdle-smothered great-grandadrock shite that Hendrix could whack off in ten minutes today, despite being dead. Pumped full of funk-rawk formaldehyde to stop the choruses dropping off, it boasts all the originality of a cloned baked bean and about as many tunes as a tractor makes trying to get out of a ditch. "Come awn come awn!/Everyone!" Chris Robinson squawks like a cancerous peacock on - oh yes - 'Come On' (imagine Victor Meldrew covering 'Rocks'), and there the eloquence ends: 'Midnight From The Inside Out' is a hairy-arsed chugger to console our lads in Vietnam, while 'Lickin'' could've been written by Frank Zappa as a final, unfunny joke on us all.

It's not all sub-'Tommy' twattery though - 'Ozone Mama' (no, really) storms into the '70s by getting to grips with one of them there new-fangled harmonicas. When you're down the next anti-globalisation city-burning, brick the windows of the nearest Megastore and make a bonfire of every copy of 'Lions' you can find. It's for the good of humanity.

Mark Beaumont
NME

― billbrecht, Friday, 5 May 2006 22:10 (nineteen years ago)

Whatever that was supposed to be, it sure as hell wasn't "very short".

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Friday, 5 May 2006 22:14 (nineteen years ago)

1 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

― scnnr drkly (scnnr drkly), Friday, 5 May 2006 22:29 (nineteen years ago)

More like "Chinese DemoCRAPcy."

― morris pavilion (samjeff), Saturday, 6 May 2006 00:26 (nineteen years ago)

This is the album that could save the music industry - FROM ITSELF.

― morris pavilion (samjeff), Saturday, 6 May 2006 00:27 (nineteen years ago)

"For those of you that thought that Nick Drake would never make another techno album this album will come as an unpleasant surprise."

― The Boy Who Cried YSI? (Freud Junior), Saturday, 6 May 2006 01:52 (nineteen years ago)

y'all ready for shit?

― DOQQUN (donut), Saturday, 6 May 2006 02:06 (nineteen years ago)

Tennant & Springsteen's third album is simply going with the motions, not doing them.

― DOQQUN (donut), Saturday, 6 May 2006 02:09 (nineteen years ago)

An atom bomb of acoustic free-jazz!

― tijuanas juan, Saturday, 6 May 2006 05:21 (nineteen years ago)

fuuuuuuck! wha wha whaaa? holy hell. muthafuckin' Moby y'all. 3/5

― tijuanas juan, Saturday, 6 May 2006 05:26 (nineteen years ago)

I don't get it.

― Michael F Gill (Michael F Gill), Saturday, 6 May 2006 05:53 (nineteen years ago)

the best thing about this record is that I was sent it on vinyl so when I let the needle click round the locked runout groove till it died I had an excuse to never listen to it again.

― simon 803 (simon 803), Saturday, 6 May 2006 08:39 (nineteen years ago)

Husker DON'T !

― JTS (JTS), Saturday, 6 May 2006 16:59 (nineteen years ago)

Will.i.am? POSER YE BE!!!

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 6 May 2006 20:03 (nineteen years ago)

Ever been smacked with a bag of rats?

― tijuanas juan, Monday, 8 May 2006 21:35 (nineteen years ago)

OMG WTF ROFL @ R.E.M.

― morris pavilion (samjeff), Monday, 8 May 2006 21:52 (nineteen years ago)

Avril is the cruellest punk, bleating
Listlessly out of that cold land, mixing
Pop hooks and disdain, stirring
Critics' roots with glam hair.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Monday, 8 May 2006 22:24 (nineteen years ago)

Hang up and listen.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Monday, 8 May 2006 22:34 (nineteen years ago)

The Epsilon Rising are readying to make the entire canon of Western artistic expression shockingly, embarassingly obsolete. Seriously.

― tijuanas juan, Monday, 8 May 2006 23:47 (nineteen years ago)

And the end of our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know Epsilon Rising for the first time.

― tijuanas juan, Monday, 8 May 2006 23:51 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe.

― Brian O'Neill (NYCNative), Tuesday, 9 May 2006 00:03 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe???

― tijuanas juan, Tuesday, 9 May 2006 00:14 (nineteen years ago)

Yes.

― Brian O'Neill (NYCNative), Tuesday, 9 May 2006 00:15 (nineteen years ago)

Sounds like a band of serious, DISCIPLINED, dedicated musicians who use whiteboards to plan revolution. The maracas on the final track are particularly though provoking.

― m0stly clean (m0stly clean), Tuesday, 9 May 2006 00:17 (nineteen years ago)

A deft synthesis of nu-grindie and smooth post-emo.
The maraca samples on the second track are disturbingly thought provoking.
Never mind the haters, David Bowie's still in fine form.

― m0stly clean (m0stly clean), Wednesday, 10 May 2006 01:12 (nineteen years ago)

It's fast 'n' bulbous, got me?

― dr x o'skeleton, Wednesday, 10 May 2006 08:07 (nineteen years ago)

shits in one hand, wishes in the other, then claps them together with the uninhibited joy of a kindergarten singalong or drunk Paula Abdul. calls into serious question the conventional wisdom that Hall was "the talented one".

― sixteen sergeants, Wednesday, 10 May 2006 11:05 (nineteen years ago)

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