Give me feedback on my song "Wild n' Crazy Guys" (Its rap) Thanks!

Come on I got quotables:

"Rock the club till breakfast like Molly Ringwald"

or

"Everybody's a critic like Robert Christgau, please, you can get clobbered right now."

Show me some love! (or hate!)

Also, pick either using hip-hop slang OR playing up your whiteness. If you do both it's kind of icky and borders on minstrelry.

You have some good punchlines (starving artist... I live large regardless... it's the pits like labrea but tarless). Don't waste them on "jokey" rap. Playing up your whiteness is played beyond played. Middle class suburban dudes talk about their feelings now. We all have them. It's OK.

http://whgbetc.com/mind/lone_minstrel.jpg

HIP HOP SLANG

O R

PLAYING UP WHITENESS

You can be Sage Francis or you can be Paul Barman, but if you try to be both you end up sounding like the local indie rock kid's Hip-Hop Jokey Joke Wacky Funtime Dope Fresh MC's Whid Gatz Hour.

Am I wrong?

(note: I don't actually think you're an ass hole)

I'm not sure why I can't use hip hop slang(also there isn't much slang on this track I'm not sure what stuck out to you)Doesn't everyone use Hip Hop slang these days?...Anyway, I'm not forcing it, it just comes naturally. And why I can't be jokey? Why do I have to take it super-serious?

I don't know...I'll think about what you said a little more though...maybe your right...

Thanks for the criticism. I'm just not sure I understand it. It seems like it would be more insulting to make myself "whiter" or more "gangsta"...

(and why is this spam? i'm a regular poster here just looking for feedback!)

speaking of which...

MORE FEEDBACK PLEASE!