Reviewing records you have zero interest in and feel anyone reading the mag has zero interest in (or will hate automatically)

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How do you do this? Do you just bite the bullet and write a non committal piece of boring writing. I could completely pan it but I'm ambivalent, the artist is.....British singer Lemarr!

I mean who cares! Nobody cares! Nobody will read it, unless you pan it, and it's not really irredeemably awful, it's too bland to be offensive, it's just....there, it exists.

How do you write about music like this?

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:12 (nineteen years ago)

"It's OK if you like that kind of thing"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:18 (nineteen years ago)

Use a gimmick. Like, relate it somehow to a totally absurd childhood memory or get all meta about writing reviews about records that just "exist." If you think it, someone else out there does too.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:19 (nineteen years ago)

Nah...the mag is too conservative for anything like that, it has to be a fair and frank appraisal of the record, no frills, creativity frowned upon, that kind of thing!

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.buckdharma.com/General/images/BOCfiles_03-09.jpg

― Tim Ellison (Tim Ellison), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:23 (nineteen years ago)

What is it, capsule review? 150 words?

40 words of "lol remember david sneddon?" gags
20 words mentioning that he used to work for Parcel Force
2 words calling him a 'soul lothario'
35 words talking about the single so you don'\t need to listen to the rest of the album
23 words saying that it does/doesn't sound like his last album
15 words talking about the facial expression he's pulling on the album cover
15 words saying "You'll either love it or hate it: like marmite lol"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:27 (nineteen years ago)

^^ JOY IS DEAD ^^

― Tim Ellison (Tim Ellison), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:28 (nineteen years ago)

Division is not. Just say how fucking useless it is, even awful would be of more interest, etc. Bite the bullet, collect your check, and go on to the next gig.

― don (dow), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:33 (nineteen years ago)

or if the cd case happens to be of the kind with "slightly rounded corners" (like the last bosshoss' has :) then write about that for starters

― tiit (tiit), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:46 (nineteen years ago)

I dunno, wouldn't it be nice to have something in your byline saying "I'm only writing this because I want to get paid, if you'd like to see some examples of my writing about something I give a shit about please visit..." and then a link to yr online CV or whatever.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:48 (nineteen years ago)

except that there is always someone who actually does care, and will write you an email like "you suck at music journalism" or "I should have expected this from your mag"

― Dominique (dleone), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:53 (nineteen years ago)

Don't you mean website?

:*D

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 16:55 (nineteen years ago)

you don't understand Don, if I say how fucking shit it is I won't get my cheque! or probably get any work for them again.

I'm in a weird situ where I stopped working for this place for about a year, after a row, now I'm back, they called me out of the blue 3 weeks ago and asked me to review DJ Shadow, and I thought "why not, never turn down work" etc despite the fact that I could probably turn it down now, am doing other stuff etc.

But I'm pretty sure if I pan it they'll think "oh here we go", despite the fact it's an album I bet nobody else wanted to review. it's hard to explain this without making myself seem in the wrong, it's such a weird editor and such a safe magazine, you can't pan anything without the fear it'll be frowned upon and you won't get work again.

I'd like to do more stuff for them if I could get beyond them baiting me with this crap!

So a total slam not possible.

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 17:06 (nineteen years ago)

Shut up I liked his version of I believe in a thing called love.

― Rowlando for the kidz (Sam Rowlands), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 17:23 (nineteen years ago)

The Shadow record? General concensus around the world is that it's pretty dullsville. You should explain to your editor that your opinion is hardly out of line with the rest of society.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 17:29 (nineteen years ago)

No explanation allowed, no contact, nothing!

― Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 13 September 2006 17:43 (nineteen years ago)

You write a column of bad albums for Stylus like Ned

― pinder (pinder), Thursday, 14 September 2006 03:31 (nineteen years ago)

Hooray!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 14 September 2006 03:42 (nineteen years ago)

Take an angle, any angle - maybe a response to the claim (depressing but probably accurate) on the posters that he's the most important figure in British soul in 2006. Sounds like this mag isn't interested in one-star hatchet jobs, but there are other routes - gentle mockery, death by faint praise, reasoned assertion that British soul might as well pack up and go home if this is what it's come to, etc. And make at least one joke at the expense of Lemar/Lemar's lyrics/Lemar's sleeve art. Still, I don't envy you. Lemar - sheesh.

― Dorian Lynskey (Dorianlynskey), Thursday, 14 September 2006 08:16 (nineteen years ago)

that magazine seems to have a problem

― rizzx (rizzx), Thursday, 14 September 2006 08:41 (nineteen years ago)

it has a major problem, the most hardcore old fashioned meat and two veg rock mag you can imagine, and it's so over a barrel it has to review the Lemarr record! sometimes they put say Westlife on the front page or give Ronan Keating a 5 star review to the absolute outrage of their readership, you can only suspect skullduggery.

The only mocking I've left in is "Behind the scenes there's a fairly impressive team, a producer who has worked with Lionel Richie and Tina Turner, a band that have played with Mary J Blige, D’Angelo and Common, and string arrangements by a man who’s worked with Michael Jackson and George Benson. But sadly this setup is fronted by a singer whose last work was with seldom praised delivery outfit, Parcel Force"

NGGG this is so funny I can't leave it out! It's prob exactly the kind of thing they'll fume at.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 14 September 2006 08:46 (nineteen years ago)

which magazine is this?!

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Thursday, 14 September 2006 08:50 (nineteen years ago)

Pretend you got him confused with Limahl. Start talking about the Neverending Story theme song and shit.

― Marmot (marmotwolof), Thursday, 14 September 2006 08:55 (nineteen years ago)

i couldn't write for such a magazine, it's probably why i have a 'regular' job

― rizzx (rizzx), Thursday, 14 September 2006 09:07 (nineteen years ago)

nrq, people deriding it sometimes call it Hot Piss, does that give you a clue? it's an Irish mag but I'd say you'd see it in Borders and stuff.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 14 September 2006 09:34 (nineteen years ago)

The Irish have magazines! Who knew? Good for them!

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 09:46 (nineteen years ago)

Ronan, what's the problem really? You can write. You can probably lie. Instead of moaning about for a few hours on ILX, just write the damn review and get it over with. We all have to do stuff we don't like in our jobs.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Thursday, 14 September 2006 09:54 (nineteen years ago)

i don't like picking up the dead birds after they fly into the hospital windows, for instance. i use a shovel.

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 09:56 (nineteen years ago)

go with what dom said, just try make it funny.

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Thursday, 14 September 2006 09:56 (nineteen years ago)

This is not my job really, which is lucky cos it pays about 20 euro, I'd make more money if I offered to mow the lawn for a neighbour.

I have written it pretty much, I didn't want advice so much as to highlight this weird sensation of writing something where meaning or anything of interest is outlawed, are some works so vapid you can't discuss them, I don't even mean vapid as a value judgement, it just occurs to me I can't imagine anyone arguing about Lemar, except someone saying he is "pop dross" or something.

I agree "soul or not" thing is about the only interesting one so I've stuck with that.

― Ronan (Ronan), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:07 (nineteen years ago)

write about why you have zero interest in it! (i mean, it's not JUST that it's not your genre: you wouldn't find, i dunno, beyoncé or jamelia as uninteresting surely.) what is it about the album which makes it so uninteresting? that's an acceptable angle to take i think. approach the whole issue of inoffensive bland wallpaper characters critically. it's music which is virtually DESIGNED to be uninteresting.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:10 (nineteen years ago)

I can't imagine anyone arguing about Lemar, except someone saying he is "pop dross" or something

he's kind of like a black music version of people like kt tunstall, boring mor for people who don't take much of an interest in music (not a criticism of them! they may be passionate about gardening or something and have no time for music) which always exists and which will never go away and which only becomes actively annoying when it reaches bluntian levels of ubiquity.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:13 (nineteen years ago)

some things just aren't worth writing about. especially if you aren't getting paid much.

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:15 (nineteen years ago)

the best thing to do (if possible) is tell the person you are writing it for that its not worth writing about and suggest something better and more exciting.

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:19 (nineteen years ago)

i think anyone who sells lots of records is worth writing about, if only to try and place what the appeal of the stuff is.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:21 (nineteen years ago)

if i were doing it i'd wonder out loud why a man so young would try to be luther vandross when that US model for soul music has basically vanished.

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:23 (nineteen years ago)

i don't think it's vanished! lemar is like a more 'mature' version of twink r&b balladeers like ne*yo, mario, usher at times. more boring than any of those too.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:25 (nineteen years ago)

also more mature and also more british. british r&b apart from jamelia = sadface :(

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:26 (nineteen years ago)

yeah but ne-yo, mario, and ursher have a hip-hop element that luther never did. that full separation between soul and hip-hop you had in the 80s -- it's like lemar's trying to revive it.

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:29 (nineteen years ago)

yeah i see what you mean - but that sort of stuff has never ever gone away, it's a pretty massive market still. pretty closely aligned to angie stone/jill scott/erykah badu nu-soul - the british equivalents (don't ask me to name names! i forget them all) have even less hip-hop in them (more likely to have jazz elements like incognito). lemar is like the crossover chart act if it's possible to cross over from you're starting point on a reality tv show.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:35 (nineteen years ago)

Lex is right. Stuff that sells a lot is always interesting. I thought I had no opinion about, say, Snow Patrol but the bigger they get the more there is to interrogate. In this case, why is British black music in the commercial doldrums yet Lemar thrives? If only he was "pop dross" - he might be more fun. But he represents nu-soul's deathly obsession with "quality" and "authenticity", minus the absurd self-importance and boho pretensions which make the likes of Alicia Keys and Erykah Badu quite intriguing or, at the very least, funny.

― Dorian Lynskey (Dorianlynskey), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:44 (nineteen years ago)

"Stuff that sells a lot is always interesting"

this may (or may not) be true, but that doesn't mean someone always has something interesting to say about it.

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:47 (nineteen years ago)

have you guys heard the grey-haired freak who won the last american idol?

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:49 (nineteen years ago)

Dude should have stuck to the Stargate Northern soul of "Dance With U".

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:49 (nineteen years ago)

actually, have you heard every freak whoever put out a record cuzza american idol who isn't kelly clarkson?

― scott seward (scott seward), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:51 (nineteen years ago)

No, for some reason we have undergrounds adverts for shitty trainers with Carrie Underwood on, despite Ms U never actually having had anything approaching a hit record over here.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:52 (nineteen years ago)

I mean, on balance, I'm guessing she's sold less records than "Carrie", the late 90s novelty power pop act with the dude from EMF on bass.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:53 (nineteen years ago)

a) Lemar is the epitome of the typical Guardian reader's idea of black British music.
b) But look at the recent history of black British music, from Soul II Soul via Grooverider and Goldie through to So Solid down to Wiley...without exception they went on about wanting to make "proper" music of "quality" and "authenticity."
c) So maybe us white folks are missing or misunderstanding a crucial mindset here.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:53 (nineteen years ago)

No, for some reason we have undergrounds adverts for shitty trainers with Carrie Underwood on, despite Ms U never actually having had anything approaching a hit record over here.
-- Dom Passantino (juror...), September 14th, 2006.

oh shit THAT'S who she is!

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:55 (nineteen years ago)

those ads had me baffled.

― a rapper singing about hos and bitches and money (Enrique), Thursday, 14 September 2006 10:55 (nineteen years ago)

minus the absurd self-importance and boho pretensions which make the likes of Alicia Keys and Erykah Badu quite intriguing or, at the very least, funny.

i love erykah and alicia! far more than j scott or a stone: badu's voice has this edge to it which ensures that her songs never sink even when she's on one of her more aimless tips. keys i would categorise differently - not as hippie earth-mothery (surely the defn of which, incidentally, is india.arie!), more...youthful? that's not quite what i mean. she doesn't see her music as a vehicle for social work in the same way, she's more about personal expression.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:03 (nineteen years ago)

a) Lemar is the epitome of the typical Guardian reader's idea of black British music.

maybe not so much "epitome of their idea of it" as "the safe side of it".

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:04 (nineteen years ago)

you're starting point on a reality tv show.

YOUR. YOUR. YOUR. DEAR GOD. MUST NOT TRY TO MULTI-TASK.

― The Lex (The Lex), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:05 (nineteen years ago)

I wonder if the average broadsheet reader even processes Lemar as "black", or if they run a strict "no lyrics about crime, no ethnicity" policy?

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:10 (nineteen years ago)

Unless it's the Kaiser Chiefs or Lily Allen or Mike Skinner, I guess.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:13 (nineteen years ago)

some things just aren't worth writing about. especially if you aren't getting paid much.

Very true. BUt I'm assuming Ronan wants to do it cause it might lead to other things - yipee a Rick Astley record review. Just kidding. Sort of.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:13 (nineteen years ago)

"A stunning return to form for the lissom '80s lad from Newton-le-Willow who's certainly kept abreast of today's top pop trends!"

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:15 (nineteen years ago)

:-) I love you, Marcello!

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:26 (nineteen years ago)

http://lookstudio.com/rickastley/imx/album/CryForHelp_400.jpg

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 14 September 2006 11:28 (nineteen years ago)

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