accepting their musical tastes: the limits

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I'm a single man, middle-aged, not terrific looking. I make use of web dating sites (some will sneer, but this was a deliberate, first choice for me). I try not to let musical tastes put me off, within reason. I just looked at one woman's ad. Lovely pic, gorgeous and sexy, big smile. Good, appealing, interesting profile. I skim down the other categories (politics, books, food), and this is what it says under music:

"I like all sorts really ... U2, Cold Play, Dido, Sting, Kula Shaker, REM, The Commitments, Queen, Robbie Williams, Tom Jones, Jools Holland (live), some Trance."

So am I wrong to immediately dismiss her? How many intolerable acts (I don't mean every one of the above, but most) make a person unacceptable? Could you write to someone with that list? Is my musical snobbery going to ruin my life?

― Martin Skidmore, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I would say forget about musical snobbery. Music isn't everything, is it? (Although, 'I like all sorts' is a bit much. I say as I look down my snobbish nose.)

― Bill, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I'd write to her...and if something comes of it, agree to have two separate stereo systems, in separate rooms. ;-)

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I dunno - I love to talk about music and share it. I don't think I could bear playing something I really adore (say Al Green or Elmore JAMES or Jerry Lee Lewis or DJ Shadow) and her saying "It's okay" and going off to play Dido/Sting/Kula Shaker/Coldplay.

― Martin Skidmore, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Such are the mysteries of love.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm too picky in so many other ways (and too average looking and low status myself) that I can't afford to be picky about a potential partner's musical taste. I don't see it as critical. (On the other hand, I really wouldn't get involved with someone who doesn't dance salsa, but that's different.)

― DeRayMi, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Plus my own taste has shifted enough over the years that I am sympathetic to people like a lot of things that I don't like now.

― DeRayMi, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

[...] going off to play Dido/Sting/Kula Shaker/Coldplay.

Imagine a collaboration between these artists. Suddenly their individual outputs won't seem so bad and you'll be able to proceed with the lovey-dovey.

― Dan Perry, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I respect her courage for listing Kula Shaker, presumably in earnest. That's a bit like saying "I'm a die-hard fan of Hayzee Fantayzee."

― Alex in NYC, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

go for it, martin! --- "i like all sorts really" can often mean "i listen to the radio, my taste in music is amorphous - as i don't have time/etc to have a serious music addiction". so she might be happy/intrigued to find someone who does have a real love/ passion for music, and someone to introduce her to new things, as it were (when you are dating ---> as an early birthday present, buy her new cds)

― geeta, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I can't agree with Geeta - this woman went to the trouble of listing quite a few acts, and there's certainly a fair degree of consistency, making it look to me like solid lousy taste, not just a lack of interest.

― Martin Skidmore, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You could meet her and teach her the ways of music snobbery. Yoda-like, you may be.

― bnw, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

why don't you print out some of your database and send it to her, as a sort of emotional probe?

― mark s, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes, anal retentive music fans are what every woman wants. I get enough of a hard time HERE about it!

I have a friend who seems to think that talking to women he's just met about war comics is a good chat-up approach. I am not looking to compete with him.

― Martin Skidmore, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"Ah, my daughter. First you must give up your untutored ways, especially Kula Shaker. You may keep only one single and one album. No, you may not choose. They are 'Angels' and a Tom Jones 'Greatest Hits'..."

― Martin Skidmore, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

but yoda never got very far with the chicks, did he?

I guess I just don't understand the musical-taste-as-indicator-of- person's-worth thing. There might be a lot going for this girl besides (pretty, intelligent, kind, etc) -- why pass her by? Besides, crap musical taste can be charming - and more endearing than avant-hipsterness sometimes.

It's folly, i think, to assume that musical taste is a compatibility index - it may imply that you have other things in common, but it might not. I mean, there are a lot of not-so-nice people out there with wondrous taste in music! Though music might be, for many of us, an all-consuming obsession, it's certainly not our singular defining characteristic -- we are all multifaceted people, after all, not simply music aficionados.

― geeta, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I can't see what I've said to suggest that I was insulting her personal worth in any way. I'm talking about whether I could get on with her, and I don't think so - despite what people have said, I'd have no more right to expect to convert her to Al Green or DJ Shadow than she would to hope to turn me into a fan of Sting and Kula Shaker. I couldn't spend time with someone who'd demand equal time for this stuff. And I can't say I've ever found such taste endearing, personally.

I'm certainly not selecting people purely on musical taste - I'm nowhere near that mad. It's one indicator. This is the first time I've felt it as so big a negative. Before, it's generally been a very small factor, with occasional substantial appeal - for instance, my first girlfriend since I was a teenager listed Massive Attack, Leftfield and Tricky, which grabbed my attention.

I don't know. I didn't start this to justify my taste in women, which is how this is drifting. Why would any of you care about that? Perhaps I'll shut up.

― Martin Skidmore, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

the worst decision i evah made was to fall in love with someone based on the fact that their favourite record was 154 and their second favourite record was lust for life

― mark s, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"person's worth" = bad word choice, i should've written "compatibility" --> i didn't mean to diss on you or anything, martin, it's just that i see myself doing the same thing when i meet people -- and maybe it narrows the options too much? maybe i think 'how could he like 'nsync so much, we will never get along' but then i wonder about his perspective - jeez maybe he thinks i'm the big dork for liking the fall! it doesn't mean we won't get along --> besides you're probably not marrying this person --> a few dates never hurt anyone.

― geeta, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

the worst decision i evah made

I TOLD you I'm not that kind of person, Mark, but you misread my signals.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Based on those bands, I'm assuming your in the UK, but just think how much worst the list would be if in America.

― A Nairn, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

yipes. what's the US equivalent of robbie williams?

― geeta, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

in America it would be something like: Shania Twain, Boyz II Men, Backstreet Boys, Garth Brooks, Matchbox 20, etc.

― A Nairn, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh yeah, and you can't forget: Celine Dion, and Bare Naked Ladies

― A Nairn, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

what's the US equivalent of robbie williams?

Robin Williams. Same ingratiating slop-approach.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread is grotesque. The idea of dismissing someone over something as inconsequential and pointless as their taste in music is distasteful. Dating people based upon what they consume is so not- fabulous and frankly I can't think of anything LESS important than considering this ridiculousness whether it be with friends, lovers or co-workers. The idea of making it a vital issue when reflecting on other human beings so seems the absolute pinnacle of superficiality to me.

― Alex in SF, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I like "all different kinds of music", a lot of indie boy style stuff, and my wife is um, well there's no way around it, her taste in music is very much not mine. It runs all the way from Dido to Ricky Martin to Jewel. To me, she's almost amusical. Your example references "trance". Wifey has no concept of trance, but would probably remark that it sounds very repetitive and boring. Really, a comment two minutes ago from her: "What is this, his voice sounds like Cat Stevens or something". Me: "It's Nina Simone". Her: "Why would you name a boy Nina?" I think she was joking on that second comment. Interestingly, she hasn't remarked whether Nick Drake sounds like a drag queen or not (but that's another thread entirely). And yet she is utterly cool, it doesn't matter AT ALL in the big picture. On positive characteristics, it's about whether yr other has em, on alleged negatives like mismatched music tastes, it's ON YOU if you can get past em. I swore I'd never worry about changing what she likes, I'd expose her to my stuff and whatever happens is whatever happens.

So I say only you can let musical snobbery "ruin your life".

― Hunter, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Look at it this way, if you're with someone who's not that into music, at least you'll get the lion's share of stereo time. It could be worse, they could be obsessively into something you can't stand, like I dunno, heavy metal or something..

― electric sound of jim, Saturday, 13 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I'd point out that he's not making it the vital issue some of you seem to think he is. He's just past all the smart/interesting/attractive/REALLY IMPORTANT stuff and this is the issue he's left with. Personally, I don't know any girl that share even half my tastes in music, so this question must not (cannot - for fear of loneliness?) concern me...

― Stuart, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread is grotesque. The idea of dismissing someone over something as inconsequential and pointless as their taste in music is distasteful.

I think most people are kidding. (Your typical music geek couldn't afford to be so picky about who he dates.) But there is something to be said for shared interests in who you date.

― bnw, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Narin: Sans matchbox 20 and BNL yr. list sounds great. Anyway, music matters SO LITTLE in the grand scheme of relationships.

― Sterling Clover, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I date a 7CD woman. She takes me to art films.

― Sterling Clover, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

The girl I like sings along to Alanis Morrisette and the Eagles. She stares at the posters on the walls of my room and asks me "Do you really like Abba?"

― Ian, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

My girlfriend's favorite song is by Cafe Del Mar!!! (tears hair out)

martin you are being SILLY as a BILLY and i think you know it - come back to us when this music thing becomes a problem

― Tracer Hand, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh come on, people - be honest with Martin. If you really thought music tastes were "inconsequential and pointless," would you really be spending so much time on ILM? What's grotesque is the high-road blinders-on approach so many of you are taking. If Martin really feels in his gut that it couldn't work out with her based on this, that's fine. That said, Martin, you haven't even met her, so the worst that could happen is you give it a try and realize "ugh, this really *isn't* gonna work." No love lost. I mean, if she likes Queen, there's hope yet... ;-)

― Clarke B., Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

IME relationships with people with similar music tastes end in disaster, because both parties were obviously being narcissistic and looking for somebody else to confirm their own prejudices rather than learn from, and that kind of thing (living in BubblePopWorld, Population 2) is fun for a little while but that's it

― dave q, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"If you really thought music tastes were "inconsequential and pointless," would you really be spending so much time on ILM?"

Gosh, taking bits of quotes out of context. Clever. Whatever. Musical tastes are perfectly consequential when you are judging and criticizing music! Applying the same critique to human beings IS grotesque and implies that human beings are simply commodities to be compared and contrasted like just another product.

― Alex in SF, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

like abba is so much better than the eagles sheesh

― Ron, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i am so not dating YOU ron!!

― mark s, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

How do we know who to go out with then? There must be some criteria, non? Jus' wonderin', don' bi' ma' hea' of'.

― david h, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Martin - there's only abt 3 ppl left in the world who can still tolerate Elmore James, and I bet you've copped off w/ at least one of them in yr time.

― Andrew L, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I've had two of them, Andrew. Anyone know who the third is?

― Martin Skidmore, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Elmore Leonard.

― mark s, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I've had three Elmore Leonard fans, I believe. Perhaps more. Much as this thread may suggest otherwise, I haven't determined these facts for everyone I've had sex with.

― Martin Skidmore, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

This is a very interesting topic for me. For years I would write off people as potential dates or whatever if they didn't like "cool" music, and in a way maybe I still do. I think it's more important for me if the other person is just a really big music fan, if not into exactly the same stuff as me. Failing that, hopefully just passionate about something. That said, my ex (will I ever shup up about him) shared my musical tastes to a t... and what he didn't like when i met him he ended up liking by the end. When we met and he first came over to my place, the first thing he did was go over to my record collection to see if I had any Blondie (I have them all, natcherly). I've had some guys over who didn't eve look at my records. So many guy guys seem to be into this inane club music... that I couldn't tolerate. Oh and Martin; Tom Jones is great.

― Sean, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

that was mean to be so many gay guys...

I want to summarize and say it again, because hey, I Love Music: I really do want a boyfriend who loves it too.

― Sean, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

There's a major prob with listing musical tastes on a dating site anyway because generally if you hit it off with someone it's not because they're like "HEY I LOVE THE DJ FALCON REMIX OF LA MOUCHE TOO" or something silly.

So go for it. She may have the potential to be brainwashed into liking your stuff ; )

― Ronan, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Uh, isn't this entire thread just a recapitulation of a Nick Hornby novel?

― J, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

(I was thinking that, J, but wasn't going to say it because admitting to having read Nick H around here seems to put some into apoplectic fits.) As many have put it, in the grand scheme of things it's a fairly small consideration, but I think it can still matter. I obviously like music a whole bunch, and my current partner isn't anywhere nearly as into it as I am, and our tastes don't overlap as much as I would have thought would be necessary for happiness, back when I was more militant about such things. But I can tell you this much: if she played U2 and Sting constantly, I think I'd be heading for the door. Thankfully, the stuff she listens to most often are things I can tolerate a-okay.

― Sean Carruthers, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

The replies to this thread are too funny. She misspelled Coldplay by the way. If she likes all sorts, I think you have a chance of converting her. heh. Martin, go for it. :-)

― nathalie, Sunday, 14 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Skipping 6 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

"I met my current girlfriend because she had a gun with her in the pub"

OK, this is now officially the most interesting (and revealing?) thing on this thread....

― mark s, Monday, 15 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeah, I was about to say. Details?

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 15 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

It was one of those little plastic guns with a flint in it, which makes sparks and a noise when you pull the trigger...

I thought it was cool. And, hell, it's been 8 months, so it can't be that bad.

Sorry to dissapoint!

― Nick Southall, Tuesday, 16 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Love makes all things possible. On our fourth wedding anniversary, I finally integrated her cds and records into my own alphabetization, although Boyz 2 Men look fairly uncomfortable next to the Buzzcocks.

― Colin Meeder, Wednesday, 17 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

two years pass...

music taste isn't really just music taste, though, is it?

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:04 (twenty-one years ago)

how do you mean?

― cozen (Cozen), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:06 (twenty-one years ago)

nb: I am being disingenuous here.

― cozen (Cozen), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I think it is, though, once you get to know someone. If you like someone as a friend or lover, it doesn't matter what their foibles are, and music taste is a foible whether you're into Billy Joel or Fennesz.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha I never revealed how much of a music fascist I am on this thread! I thought I had.

Basically, fundamental incompatibility wrt musical taste = fundamental incompatibility to my personality. I have incorporated music into my life to such a large degree that I can't really fathom being in a relationship with someone who didn't have some amount of overlap with me in that regard (and is one reason why I'm married to an aspiring opera singer).

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:30 (twenty-one years ago)

but "dido" isn't just "dido" either, amat

― m. (mitchlnw), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:33 (twenty-one years ago)

i like dido!

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Having said what I've just said, there's a big overlap between Emma and I, but we are both very open-minded and amenable to compromise.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:35 (twenty-one years ago)

(The flipside, of course, is that I pretty much like 80% of what I hear so my music fascism never gets a chance to come out unless someone starts blaring Ashanti or Poison at me.)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:38 (twenty-one years ago)

maybe i don't know what we're really talking about.

― m. (mitchlnw), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Taste = Character = Morality.

Not that there are inherently bad artists to like, but inherently bad reasons for liking them.

― noodle vague (noodle vague), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:41 (twenty-one years ago)

i agree with dan. i like a lot of stuff so it wouldn't be too hard for me find musical common ground with someone.

on the other hand, as dan said, music is a big part of my life, and one thing i really like--and that doesn't happen enough--is to learn from other people, not only about new musics but new ways to appreciate and listen to music. if someone seems to have refined and/or adventurous tastes then they are more likely to be the kind of person who can teach me those things, right? and isn't that kind of give and take a resonable thing to expect from a friend or lover?

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I think noodle vague is very wrong there, btw.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:45 (twenty-one years ago)

But thinking about it, the second statement almost justifies the first.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:46 (twenty-one years ago)

i mean it isn't really the contours of someone's taste that interest me--who they like, etc.--but the possibility that the combination expresses something idiosyncratic, interesting, thoughtful.

so if someone listed a bunch of great bands that happen to all have something really obvious in common (tv personalities/pastels/jonathan richman), that's potentially kinda boring.

i probably, as per geeta et al upthread, shouldn't think about this stuff at all. but things like friendster lend themselves to such thoughts, because practically all you learn about someone is their tastes in music/literature/movies.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

x post

I was overstating wildly. Blame the gin.

It's not what people like that bugs me, but I do think the reasons we like the things we do say something about our world view. Dogged belief in the reality of Authenticity is always a passion killer for me.

― noodle vague (noodle vague), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:55 (twenty-one years ago)

but how would you know that she didn't get to dido by way of dalek or la monte young or journey or whatever (if thats the kind of 'adventure' you're looking for)? you could make an educated guess and be right, but even 'unrefined' taste has the possibility of being fulfilling in its discussion, if it's happening in the mind of someone you're interested in knowing, no? or, by definition, not as much as 'refined' taste?

(i'm playing devil's advocate here, you're right about this being an unavoidable symptom of friendster-think)

― m. (mitchlnw), Friday, 4 June 2004 21:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I can tolerate pretty much any kind of music even if I hate it so it's not a problem for me really.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 4 June 2004 22:01 (twenty-one years ago)

If you explain to someone why you like something, often they can understand and grow to like it too. This is why I even bother to write.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Friday, 4 June 2004 22:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I wonder if Martin ever went out with her?

― kickitcricket (kickitcricket), Friday, 4 June 2004 22:09 (twenty-one years ago)

"You know, what with all the analysing and theorising, we forgot the loving..."

― noodle vague (noodle vague), Friday, 4 June 2004 22:10 (twenty-one years ago)

the people saying "judging her on music taste is wrong.. it should be about attraction" erm hello? why is judging by looks or sense of humour any more respectable than judging by music taste?

all my major breakups have been related to music taste, indirectly.

― don (don), Friday, 4 June 2004 22:27 (twenty-one years ago)

how's that don?

as a side observation, everyone with interesting musical taste seems to live in brooklyn, if friendster is to be believed. including this one phenomenally cute girl who likes john fahey and flaubert.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Saturday, 5 June 2004 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

I wonder how much of attraction is based on musical taste for each gender, and if it matters more to girls than to guys and vice versa. For reference I dig out the old Great Plains chestnut "Letter to a Fanzine"- "Why do punk rock guys go out with new wave girls?" Does taste not matter to guys as long as they're getting some? Am I wrong to consider the enjoyment of full-on crap a deal-breaker in any relationship? Could I be any more unfocused? (I'd think about this more, except I'm going to see Mclusky tonight, yay)

― Morley Timmons (Donna Brown), Saturday, 5 June 2004 02:36 (twenty-one years ago)

i will think about it for you, since i passed up a chance to see les georges leningrad.

― amateur!st (amateurist), Saturday, 5 June 2004 02:37 (twenty-one years ago)

thanks, bye :)

― Morley Timmons (Donna Brown), Saturday, 5 June 2004 02:42 (twenty-one years ago)

girls who like the same music i do are attractive because i have something to talk with them about. i'm a lousy conversationalist about mostly anything else. (i can provide references.)

― Ian Johnson (orion), Saturday, 5 June 2004 04:43 (twenty-one years ago)

If you're with a person long enough, you'll discover points of conflict about musical matters anyway. It will then be your choice to tolerate those differences, or get out of the relationship. I don't think Martin is wrong to consider musical taste, but I have met people I've liked a lot without them necessarily being music fanatics like me. It's true there was enough overlap to keep things interesting, though.

― Bimble (bimble), Saturday, 5 June 2004 05:41 (twenty-one years ago)

i've had "you love music more than you love me" several times; once someone starts competing with music they tend to lose.. i suppose that's pretty tragic but thats how it is.

(sleep-induced xpost to amateurist)

― don (don), Saturday, 5 June 2004 07:23 (twenty-one years ago)

i mean it isn't really the contours of someone's taste that interest me--who they like, etc.--but the possibility that the combination expresses something idiosyncratic, interesting, thoughtful.

this is good am.

― mullygrubber (gaz), Saturday, 5 June 2004 07:45 (twenty-one years ago)

nine months pass...

I've only sort of skimmed this, but no-one seems to have mentioned that the off-putting (well, to me) thing is not so much that she likes all these bands (all of whom have made at least one song that I like (though most of them have only made one)) but that she thinks they span "all sorts". Is it possible in the modern world to have heard of The Commitments but not The Commodores?

Not to mention that the Commitments seems to underline the "whiteys only" aspect.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Saturday, 5 March 2005 22:20 (twenty years ago)

Casual music fans are "I like all sorts" types in their own minds always, because not being rabid about any one genre the stuff that they pick up on the radio or MTV naturally turns out to belong to some different genres, within the scope of what the mainstream accepts, I guess?

I mean, looking at that grouping up there, it *does* span quite a few decades and different genres. More than Massive Attack, Leftfield and Tricky, even!

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Saturday, 5 March 2005 23:14 (twenty years ago)

This is a really wierd thread to me. If someone is interested in music enough to think and talk about it at all I'm usually able to find SOME common ground with them, which is enough (I like enough weird, grating stuff to not expect most people to put up with that chunk of my musiclove at all.) Also, if someone's not mature enough to realize that we can disagree on some things - or even a lot of things - and yet still like or even love one another, THAT'S a much bigger problem than the possibility that they might love, say, Toby Keith with a passion that surpasseth all understanding.

But what really gets to me about this thread is: isn't there anyone with very similar musical taste to yours whom you really fucking loathe? There sure are for me.

― Austin (Austin), Saturday, 5 March 2005 23:38 (twenty years ago)

A lot of this thread is ppl mixing up "who would you like to go on a date with tonight?" with "what are the most essential aspects in a durable, serious relationship?"

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Saturday, 5 March 2005 23:48 (twenty years ago)

Well, in my experience at least you don't get to b without going through a, so I don't see that as a problem.

― Austin (Austin), Saturday, 5 March 2005 23:53 (twenty years ago)

I don't date girls with bad taste. If that makes me shallow, I don't care. They don't have to be experts or addicted to music like me, but they have to have at least some semblance of a musical bullshit detector or I will slowly grow to loathe them despite other positive attributes.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Saturday, 5 March 2005 23:57 (twenty years ago)

Austin, to further clarify what I meant: if I was faced with the option of either going out with someone who's into, I dunno, Rocksteady, Godard and Wilde, and someone who's into Dido, Keanu Reeves and "Bridget Jone's Diary"*, I'd opt for the first person, but that's not the same thing as denying the possibility of me ever hitting it off with the second person, or putting any undying trust in me hitting it off with the first. These standards are shallow, sure, but not any more so than any of the other info that you have available to you when first meeting someone. This goes doubly for dating sites, which pretty much ASK you to be shallow - "hmmm, do I like that pic, do I like that writing style, do I like this list of tastes". You really *can't* go beyond that, because it's not like ppl can reveal what unique and wonderful human beings they are on an internet profile.

* this is based exclusively on my own tastes, of course, so no need to bother with "but clearly Dido i superior to Rocksteady!"-type comments, I'm not making value judgements about the pop kulcher itself.

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Sunday, 6 March 2005 00:08 (twenty years ago)

Well, yeah. Obviously in a sitch like personals ads you've got to start somewhere, and there's not a lot you can know before you get started. It's better to have something than nothing. And absolutely it's going to be hard for me to spend any great length of time with someone who doesn't like anything except Phish, say. But I think that most people aren't so single-minded as that, and those who are will probably have other issues resulting from a deeper problem. I'm certainly not crazy about any of the artists listed in the initial post, but I've got some very dear friends who are. We don't live together or fuck or anything, so it's definitely not the same situation, but the major issue seems to be one of respect. I don't think I'd withold respect from an otherwise deserving person just because they love bands I hate.

Basically, this formula from upthread "Taste = Character = Morality" is about as wrongheaded as it can be.

― Austin (Austin), Sunday, 6 March 2005 00:26 (twenty years ago)

Well, except for Juggalos. Kee-rist! What is WRONG with those people?

― Austin (Austin), Sunday, 6 March 2005 00:27 (twenty years ago)

I guess I am pretty much open minded when it comes to that side of it. Obviously, Skrewdriver would represent the limit.

― Geir Hongro (GeirHong), Sunday, 6 March 2005 00:39 (twenty years ago)

Back in my datin' days, I had relationships with a woman whose music collection included the Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Elliott Smith and almost literally nothing else, and a woman whose music collection consisted of "Purple Rain," "Red Hot & Blue" and the first Right Said Fred album, and that was _it_; beyond that, she relied on the radio. I liked them both a lot. Music really wasn't the focus of those relationships.

On the other hand, when I got married, my wife and I gave the CDs duplicated by our respective collections to the guests at our wedding... and there were at least 500 duplicates.

― Douglas (Douglas), Sunday, 6 March 2005 01:59 (twenty years ago)

I recently dated a girl who listened to virtually nothing but motley crue & other hair metal bands, and nu metal type shit. out of 900 cds or so that i own, i was able to find a half dozen she liked. she HATED reggae and hip hop with a passion, and those are the two genres I listen to most. the only time our conflicting tastes really came into play was in the car, but even that wasn't that big of a deal. if something came on that either one of us just couldn't stand, we'd turn it off. it is funny though how much more tolerable motley crue et al is when your hair is being played with.
maybe if i lived with her, it would become a bigger issue, but it's not like i discuss music with people i date--or friends, in general. for the most part it's a superficial part of people's personalities. i love music, but i don't think i'd date or be friends with someone whose personality was inseperable from the music (not to mention movies, clothes, etc) they prefer.

― ()ops (()()ps), Sunday, 6 March 2005 02:37 (twenty years ago)

I'm the luckiest bastard in this regard. My girl is brilliant, beautiful, kind, funny, unassuming, all that. But the clincher, the way I knew she was a girl I could marry, was when she came into the room to ask me to turn *up* the Pop Group. She's not a "snob" (or whatever) per se like us, but she's got taste and her instincts are incredible. She's even told me repeatedly that she's proud of me for spenging 18 months making a mix ; )

― I.M. (I.M.), Sunday, 6 March 2005 02:53 (twenty years ago)

One other cute anecdote--she phoned me once across the Atlantic to let me hear that Stereolab were playing Family Fodder over the P.A. and to tell me that she'd managed to tell several people who seemed curious who the band on the P.A. were.

― I.M. (I.M.), Sunday, 6 March 2005 02:56 (twenty years ago)

Ha, I had forgotten about this thread. I certainly never intended to imply that I couldn't go out with someone without the right tastes, just that on a dating site you have only some things they write from which to try to guess whether they might be your kind of person or not.

Anyway, I came across an even more offputting one not so long ago: "I have a really wide taste in music, everything from Mark Knopfler to David Gray."

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 6 March 2005 13:48 (twenty years ago)

I don't remember this thread. I think the "some trance" would have put me off.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Sunday, 6 March 2005 13:57 (twenty years ago)

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