The Best Of The 50 (or so) Worst Rock-n-Roll Singles Of All Time

Here are their justifications for some of the singles:

The Fifty Worst Rock-And-Roll Singles of All Time

1. Berry, Chuck - My Ding a Ling
...strings together double-entendre penis jokes that can be enjoyed only by the very young or the very drunk.

2. Think - Once You Understand
The first sound comes from a middle-aged father character. "I'll be expecting you to get a haircut by Friday". "Forget it Dad," comes the self-righteous teenage retort. "It won't change anything".

3. Charlene - I've Never Been to Me
...this Muzak-ready ballad is extremely cynical in its pandering to an unglamorous audience.

4. Charlene & Stevie Wonder - Used to Be
You know you're in trouble when a song starts with the disemboweled logic of, "Superman was killed in Dallas/There's no love left in the palace/Someone took the Beatles' lead guitar".

5. Peter, Paul & Mary - I Dig Rock and Roll Music
This record is about a trio who can sense that they're on the way out refusing to acknowledge that the rules of the pop game have changed.

6. Zager & Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)
...as silly and vapid as outtakes from Abbott & Costello Go to Mars.

7. Ronstadt, Linda - Back in the USA
The most believable explanation we can come up with is that part of Linda Ronstadt's brain, the part that has to do with discriminating between good and bad musical ideas, atrophied when she was a child.

8. Cher - You Better Sit Down Kids
...the song vacillates between a metronomic piano base and an upbeat, horn-driven go-go section.

9. McLean, Don - American Pie
Once you start listening to the words, you're left wondering: "What is this guy talking about?"

10. Harris, Richard - MacArthur Park
If the best comparison he can make to her leaving is a cake melting in the rain, then is it any wonder she didn't stick around?

11. Gibb, Andy & Victoria Principal - All I Have to Do is Dream
Love make us do stupid things. ...When you're a celebrity, the possibilities for acting stupid in these ways increase exponentially.

12. Chapin, Harry - Taxi
The most important requirement of Chapin's genre... was to present the song in a highly strained and overworked manner that seemingly goes on forever.

13. Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
...we can't help but feel that one of these songs was probably a favorite of every character in every John Hughes upper-middle-class-suburban-teendom-is-existential-terror film.

14. Gold, Andrew - Lonely Boy
It's boring mid-seventies Asylum music that thinks it’s rocking out because the drums are mixed a little louder.

15. Reddy, Helen - I Am Woman
... the song fails both as rabble-rouser and performance. And the bad guys win again.

16. Knack - Good Girls Don't
They appeared out of nowhere, pretended to be the Beatles, treated their audience like shit, begged for forgiveness, didn't get it, and disappeared.

17. Knack - Baby Talks Dirty
... a retread of the already derivative beat and chord changes of "My Sharona." By then, though, the joke had worn thin... The only people talking dirty to the Knack now were their former fans.

18. Stills, Stephen - Love the One You're With
... exemplifies the smug stupidity that defines West Coast rock in general and the Crosby, Stills & Nash axis of it in particular. Here, in a nutshell, is the clearest reason to despise all that tripe.

19. Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII, I Am
It trivialized Beatles rock into the sort of cavalier music-hall nonsense it was supposed to displace. Isn't the singer worried about what happened to Henry's I, II, III, IV, V, VI & VII? Of course not, he's a music-hall twit who doesn't have a brain. La la la.

20. Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue
They didn't care; why should we?

21. Carmen, Eric - All by Myself
... may have been a hit record, but it was certainly not rock 'n' roll.

22. Lewis, Huey & the News - Hip to be Square
... a pox on rock & roll in the late eighties. Lyrically... this was a perfect anthem of rationalization for uneasy sell-outs. I'm so square, la la la, where's the cash?

23. Manfred Mann's Earthband - Blinded by the Light
... ranks at the top of nearly every Bruce fan's list of worst cover versions...

24. McFerrin, Bobby - Don't Worry Be Happy
It is embarrassing to watch a once-defiantly non-mainstream performer try to accommodate himself to the demands of the mass audience; it is especially pathetic when that performer does so by appealing to the lowest common denominator.

25. Ian, Janis - At Seventeen
... represents the “feel my pain” school of songwriting.

26. O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally)
Over a sub-classical arrangement that suggest the Who's Tommy while he was deaf, dumb and blind, O'Sullivan considers suicide.

27. Hollies - Stop in the Name of Love
The antiseptic production makes you wonder if any two instruments or voices were in the same studio (forget at the same time). Most embarrassing is Tony Hick's inappropriate screeching guitar solo, which sounds like it was left over from another song and accidentally dropped into the mix by one of the plethora of producers.

28. Stevens, Cat - Moon Shadow
Why is... (the moon shadow) following Cat? Is it trying to cut off his arm? And if so, could the moon shadow make sure it's the one Cat uses to write down his lyrics?

29. Art of Noise featuring Tom Jones - Kiss
Jones has received many accolades from many performers who should know better (from Elvis Presley to Van Morrison), but his unctuous baritone is completely inappropriate for the falsetto lust of “Kiss,” one of Prince's greatest singles.

30. Tyler, Bonnie - Faster Than the Speed of Night
Some one-hit-wonders will do anything for another shot.

31. Clapton, Eric - Wonderful Tonight
... what about last night, Eric? Did she look like dirt? We're certainly not going to ask about tomorrow morning.

32. Melanie - Ruby Tuesday
Throughout the overwrought performance, Melanie inserts extra syllables and vocal flourishes in a desperate attempt to stamp her own imprint on the song.

33. Melanie - Brand New Key
"I've got a brand-new pair of roller skates/You've got a brand-new key".

34. Richie, Lionel - Dancing on the Ceiling
... the first single from Richie's 1986 album of that title, stands as his most abysmal up-tempo performance. (His ballads, like “Truly” and “Hello” are too frightening to consider in this context.)

35. Stewart, Rod - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Stewart's most cynical move to curry fleeting musical favor... As annoying as a loud-mouthed barroom drunk on the stool next to you.

36. Smith, Hurricane - Oh Babe, What Would You Say?
The way Smith's voice breaks as he tries to reach the high notes in the song's title line is perversely sublime. We can only dream - with something resembling the thrill of jumping off a cliff – what could have been if Smith had teamed up with the Shaggs.

37. Coolidge, Rita - Higher & Higher
Rather than try to capture some of the energetic happiness of the original, Coolidge opted for a blessed-out soporific.

38. Stewart, Amii - Knock on Wood
As a disco song “Knock on Wood” wasn't particularly awful, but as a senseless recasting of a pivotal rhythm & blues classic, it was unlistenable. ... She exemplifies the damage disco did to some essential music.

39. Simon & Garfunkel - the Dangling Conversation
The whole point of “The Dangling Conversation” is for Simon to sound smart and poetic, so he drops names and hopes he accumulates some of the power of those whose names he uses for rhymes.

40. Jacksons - State of Shock
... so slight it hardly exists.

41. Jagger, Mick & David Bowie - Dancing in the Street
... we question why these major rock figures bothered to turn the microphones on if they didn't have anything to say. ...Why is Bowie yelling “South America!"?

42. Benatar, Pat - Sex as a Weapon
Don't believe the hype; nobody else did. If you're making a sincerity move, you had better be believable.

43. Wham! - Freedom
Freedom is the transition between Michael's unaffected trash and the affected kind.

44. George Michael - Freedom '90
The former Elton John wannabe with no dance-floor credibility is now a frankly self-involved auteur with multi-layered stubble.

45. Adams, Bryan - Summer of '69
For the record, Adams was ten years old in 1969; it took him a while to admit that the song wasn't autobiographical. You've heard it all before, done better.

46. Frey, Glenn - the Heat is On
Last we heard of him, he was doing commercials for soft drinks and health clubs and waiting for a phone call from Henley. Even he didn't take himself seriously anymore.

47. Seger, Bob - The Horizontal Bop
It's a huffy song about sex, one without any danger: high-school boys could sing it as an act of woman-fearing male bonding, while high-school girls could sing it as a goofy song about “doing it” without any dirty words. It's as provocative as shaving cream. Years before the age of safe sex, it's a safe song about sex.

48. The Everly Brothers - Ebony Eyes
... represents how far the boys could fall.

49. Will to Power - Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley
The version was incompetent, and under normal circumstances we would have quickly forgotten the novelty cover. But then the real horror set in. After the first verse, Will to Power segued into Lynyrd Skynyrd's “Freebird.”

50. John Cougar - Jack and Diane
”Jack and Diane” is an extremely little ditty about two teenagers having sex, but leave it to Cougar to try to build that into a grand pronouncement on, you guessed it, America.

These writers sound like rockist idiots, and some of the "justifications" make no sense at all. For example:

44. George Michael - Freedom '90
The former Elton John wannabe with no dance-floor credibility is now a frankly self-involved auteur with multi-layered stubble.

What does this have to do with the actual song? Also, quite a few of these "worst rock-n-roll singles" are not rock-n-roll at all.

Even better:

21. Carmen, Eric - All by Myself
... may have been a hit record, but it was certainly not rock 'n' roll.

Then why include it in your fucking list?!

Actually, I stole those little quips from a website. And in this instance, the song in question is not even "All By Myself;" it's Shaun Cassidy's "That's Rock and Roll" which Carmen apparently wrote. Also, in their defense, those are just snippets of what they wrote. Each entry is accompanied by a page or two of commentary. Whether or not a lengthier dis would convince you of George Michael's unworthiness is another matter. :)

Album poll here

"American Woman" for what LB wrote about it alone.

Even lengthier disses wouldn't probably explain why they chose non-rock songs on their "worst rock songs" list. Kinda reminiscent of those people who say techno sucks because it doesn't have real instruments.

"Brand New Key"? WTF?!

Exactly how did the Knack treat their audience like shit - by not giving their records away free?

<i>43. Robert Hazard - Escalator of Life
44. Hooters - All You Zombies</i>

Wait, whaaaaaaaat? Yer nuts, ya Philadummies!

I was going to vote for fun little "Henry VIII", but then I got to "Blinded by the Light" and was like WTF is this GENUIS LVL SHT doing on this list. More synth-sweeps and goofy Springsteen lyrics and canons and awesome anti-segues, please.

Yeah - the other list, while littered with gems, did at least contain a lot of albums widely considered weak and pointless, etc. This, though, I mean, first glance -

1. Berry, Chuck - My Ding a Ling
5. Peter, Paul & Mary - I Dig Rock and Roll Music
8. Jimmy Gilmer and The Fireballs - Sugar Shack
16. Knack - Good Girls Don't
19. Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII, I Am
33. Melanie - Brand New Key
38. The Guess Who - American Woman
54. McFerrin, Bobby - Don't Worry Be Happy (24)
55. O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally) (26)

- these have all reached a level of quality wehere it's impossible to choose between tehm (although if I did, Gilbert probably wins). It's amazing how when you're not behind the veil of rockism, these lists really look like reaching into a hat and drawing the names of fifty charting songs completely at random, and then coming up with vague smug things to say about them. Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs did the same thing much better, I think.

The video for "Dancing in the Street" is the worst (best) video of all time, the song itself as recorded by Jagger and Bowie is just bland.

That "Ruby Tuesday" cover IS pretty painful to listen to. (And I like Melanie.)

lotta genuine headscratchers on here (Jack and Diane? All by Myself? Henry VIII? Melanie?!?), the list is a real hodgepodge. At least with the other list Donovan really stood out as being unfairly included, here the criteria for inclusion are uh, not very clear...

well KJB has pretty much confirmed that Jimmy Guterman & Owen O'Donnell's books aren't worth anyone's time or money. I'm going with Henry VIII just for kicks.

She exemplifies the damage disco did to some essential music.

Good Girls Don't is a fantastic song, though I guessed Richie would take the ILX votes.

I voted for Mann (which I really think is great) but I like these, esp "Jack and Diane" (which, cf album list comments, can't possibly be the worst JCM song):

13. Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
20. Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue
26. Phil Collins - You Can't Hurry Love
38. The Guess Who - American Woman
45. Adams, Bryan - Summer of '69
50. John Cougar - Jack and Diane
54. McFerrin, Bobby - Don't Worry Be Happy (24)

These are all classics:
9. McLean, Don - American Pie
10. Harris, Richard - MacArthur Park
13. Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
16. Knack - Good Girls Don't
21. Carmen, Eric - All by Myself
23. Barry McGuire - Eve of Destruction
31. Clapton, Eric - Wonderful Tonight
40. Jacksons - State of Shock
55. O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally) (26)

Voted for Gilbert O'Sullivan.

DAER ILX PLZ TO STOP POSTING MUSIC LISTS WRITTEN BY MORONS AS POLLS THX BYE.

Well, this is the last one so your wish is my command and all, love.

Half of these are awesome. Fuck these schmucks.

I dunno - I think that those schmucks' bad taste has resulted in a coupla pretty livelier-than-most poll threads. Thanks Kevin!

"Knock On Wood" got my vote, but first pass reveals a dozen I like nearly as much.

Thanx again, MVB!!

Doctor Casino (or anyone), you MUST explain the love for "My Ding-a-Ling" because I actively fucking LOATHE that song. I have no problem with it being at number one.

Here are two songs I hate so much they make me mad (and for the same "this yesterday is better than this today and certainly any tomorrow" reason):

McLean, Don - American Pie (The best version I've heard is The Brady Bunch's because they start with "Helter Skelter in a summer swelter.")

John Cougar - Jack and Diane

Other songs I don't like:

Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
Mike +The Mechanics - The Living Years
Carmen, Eric - All by Myself (although Celine's is even worse)
Stevens, Cat - Moon Shadow
Jagger, Mick & David Bowie - Dancing in the Street

Songs I love:

Melanie - Brand New Key
Grand Funk Railroad - The Loco-Motion
Stewart, Rod - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Benatar, Pat - Sex as a Weapon
Reddy, Helen - I Am Woman
O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally)
Richie, Lionel - Dancing on the Ceiling (I soooo don't get the hatred for this song. Wasn't it on some worst songs ever list recently? Blender's maybe?)
Stewart, Amii - Knock on Wood

She exemplifies the genius disco did to some crappy music:

Donna Summer - MacArthur Park

Proof the authors have no sense of humor (and/or are not gay):

Charlene - I've Never Been to Me
Bloodrock - D.O.A.
Will to Power - Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird MedleyDoctor Casino (or anyone), you MUST explain the love for "My Ding-a-Ling" because I actively fucking LOATHE that song. I have no problem with it being at number one.

Here are two songs I hate so much they make me mad (and for the same "this yesterday is better than this today and certainly any tomorrow" reason):

McLean, Don - American Pie (The best version I've heard is The Brady Bunch's because they start with "Helter Skelter in a summer swelter.")

John Cougar - Jack and Diane

Other songs I don't like:

Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
Mike +The Mechanics - The Living Years
Carmen, Eric - All by Myself (although Celine's is even worse)
Stevens, Cat - Moon Shadow
Jagger, Mick & David Bowie - Dancing in the Street

Songs I love:

Melanie - Brand New Key
Grand Funk Railroad - The Loco-Motion
Stewart, Rod - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Benatar, Pat - Sex as a Weapon
Reddy, Helen - I Am Woman
O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally)
Richie, Lionel - Dancing on the Ceiling (I soooo don't get the hatred for this song. Wasn't it on some worst songs ever list recently? Blender's maybe?)
Stewart, Amii - Knock on Wood

She exemplifies the genius disco did to some crappy music:

Donna Summer - MacArthur Park

Proof the authors have no sense of humor (and/or are not gay):

Charlene - I've Never Been to Me
Bloodrock - D.O.A.
Will to Power - Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley

The Richard Harris version of MacArthur Park rules, though.

Um, I don't know why that posted twice. Sorry about that.

The Richard Harris version of MacArthur Park rules, though.

But Summer's annihilates it.

good lord the all-out ineptitude that is "Sugar Shack"

I voted "Kiss"

jack and diane is awesome what a dickface.

two dickfaces, actually. from 16 years ago.

Although even these two weren't shameless enough to go with their first draft:

She exemplifies the damage disco did to some authentic essential music.

At first I was voting for "Emotional Rescue," which is great. Then I was voting for "American Woman" which is brilliant, but I have to give it up for "Freedom `90". Sue me.

I won't sue, because that's what I voted for too!

I voted Cougar.

That PP&M record is kind of snide, but I think these guys are at least a little off in their hatred of it. One of the two P's, at least (can't remember which one), is painted in Howard Sounes' Dylan biography as fulling buying into the Beatles/all-you-need-is-love thing.

Repping for Janis Ian in this corner, but I could have voted for about half of this moronic list.

I have no idea why I just italicized Janis Ian. Irritation creating irrational html I guess.

s' OK, it looks nice like that.

I voted for "Emotional Rescue." As a high school junior, I found "The Worst" an extremely entertaining read when it came out, and it (and Guterman's "The Best Rock 'n' Roll Records" follow-up) wound up being my gateway to enjoying rock criticism.

xxpost: fully buying into

"30. Tyler, Bonnie - Faster Than the Speed of Night
Some one-hit-wonders will do anything for another shot."

Surely "It's a Heartache" was a hit. How did they forget it?

"33. Melanie - Brand New Key
"I've got a brand-new pair of roller skates/You've got a brand-new key"."

One of the greatest song lyrics ever... Do they not know that roller skates used to need keys?

As bad as the list is, I have to concede that I also hate The Heat Is On.

Also, I love Bruce, but Mann's version of BBTL is better.

of course they knew roller skates needed keys. they just thought it was a dopey sexual metaphor, which it is; they also disliked her voice, IIRC.

It is a pretty dopey metaphor. But gawd, what a singular single!

P. S. "The Heat Is On" is awful indeed. Forgot about that one.

P. P. S. I think we need to honor Think: "Once You Understand" else The History of Our World Part One: Breakbeat & Jungle Ultramix by DJ DB would have been a shade less remarkable without it.

Oh come on. The best of this list has got to be "Blinded By the Light." It's not even close.

Think's "Once You Understand" has to be heard to be believed. HOW the FUCK was that song a Top 40 hit?????? Seriously! How was it promoted? Who was it marketed to?

I voted for my sweater boy Gilbert.

I dig "Blinded" but much prefer Mann in stilted cult mode.

D.O.A.

INSTANT vote for Henry VIII here. OH GOD NO, NOT MUSICHALL, CERTAINLY THE BEATLES WOULD NOT APPR...what's that you say? McCartney, you say? BALDERDASH

I do have to nod my head and go mm-hm at their inclusion of "Blinded by the Light." I don't care what the lyric sheet says, what he is singing is in fact "wrapped up like a douche." Either that or he's singing with a mouth full of peanut butter.

"they just thought it was a dopey sexual metaphor, which it is"

I think it's a heartbreaking sexual metaphor. The whole damn song is heartbreaking.

"I do have to nod my head and go mm-hm at their inclusion of "Blinded by the Light." I don't care what the lyric sheet says, what he is singing is in fact "wrapped up like a douche." Either that or he's singing with a mouth full of peanut butter."

I don't see the problem here.

ANTI-SEGUES > "douche"

"Do you think I'm sexy?" works for me ... and it's inclusion just shows how dated this list is. Rod Stewart became SOOO much worse.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Rod Stewart has indeed been very bad lately, particularly the "Great American Songbook" series. But still, he has never ever gotten worse than "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy".

I voted for "Emotional Rescue." As a high school junior, I found "The Worst" an extremely entertaining read when it came out, and it (and Guterman's "The Best Rock 'n' Roll Records" follow-up) wound up being my gateway to enjoying rock criticism.

I had the exact same reaction. I must admit that "frankly self-involved auteur with multi-layered stubble" about George Michael is a pretty good line, but it's got shit-all to do with "Freedom '90."

nothing can be so bad that is vividly remembered...

Beautifully put (or stolen..either way, aces) and a rock crit motto to remember.

I also like Xgau's "better godawful than bland" here (although I've always loved that tape-layered playlet).

what a dickface.

I don't think this can be stressed enough.

Yeah. Anyway, Knock On Wood.

I voted for Rod.

Yeah as I said on the other thread, I love this book's attitude and writing, even if I think they missed big on a lot of the singles. This list did get me to relisten to a bunch of these, and wow, "Ebony Eyes" really is horrible. Lame melody, lame harmonies (by Jandek standards, let alone by Everly standards), and a crassly manipulative lyric. Actually, there are several crassly manipulative lyrics on this list (Harry Chapin, "American Pie", "The Living Years").

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

seriously weird results here guys

I didn't expect that to win.

I did expect that to win, and the results don't seem weird at all. Of the top 10, 8 are songs I considered picking.

Surprised at Zager & Evans but only cuz no one expressed love for it in this thread. The only top tenner I actively hate is "American Pie." That song is a fucker bitch.

Only thing I'm surprised about is "Jack & Diane" not doing better.

MM's "Blinded By The Light" is a really good (and different) cover of a really good song...(much better than their stab at "For You" a couple of years later)...and didn't it get the "Martin Scorsese" treatment in the film "Blow"?...I'm not at all surprised it won...(I wish I'd remembered to vote for Gilbert O, though, at least to vault it to 2nd place)...

HOOTERS WERE ROBBED

The winner is pretty surprising, I think, but in no way better than Bruce's original. Also, I never really understood all the hatred for "American Pie"--I mean, sure it's stupid and pretentious ,and what not, but it's also catchy as hell and great fun. I voted for Gilbert O, nonetheless.