A Best Man's Wedding Toast: This is the thread where people give suggestions for funny wedding jokes

they say brevity is the soul of wit, but I'd substitute wisdom for wit in this case.

I totally did this with little preparation last month and was somehow able to tie my friend's ability to instantly right-hand drive a manual transmissioned car out of Heathrow with the ability to always be resourceful in solving marriage/life problems. I was quite drunk but people really liked it. I think I even said before finishing that "I can't believe this story is actually going to make sense".

I should mention that the bride's family are English. I don't think they enjoyed it as much (perhaps because all rentals in the US are automatics!).

My sister-in-law gave a drunken, rambling, impromptu speech about how she had always wanted to be a part of my crowd and was jealous of my wife that she had glided in so easily (which is absurd in itself if you know the losers I hung out with in college). She ended the speech with "I wanted a piece of that, and I got it!"

Moral: plan your speech.

Pick on a group related to the groom - i recently went to a wedding where there were quite a few police officers (as was the groom) and jokes at their expense got lots of laughs and they liked it too.

aside from a few friends, I don't know any of the groom's guests. The only family he has is his mother, and she's particularly horrible. The bride and her family are numerous and hardcore American catholics. I don't know how long I'd last without being inappropriate.

I actually have until December to come up with this, I just thought I'd throw it out now.

"A priest, a nun and a pedophile walk into a bar..."

A collection of not very good Catholic jokes

I was the best man at my Dad's 2nd wedding when I was 12. I led with a joke about how my dad spent half an hour trying to tie his bow tie before looking it up on the internet. At the time OLD PEEPL USIN INTERNETS was lots of lolz.

Boy, when I was best man for my friend, I just said, "This is L0g4n, we went to high school together. I am very proud of him and I hope he has a happy marriage." -fin-

It may have been even shorter than that.

All the stand-uppy type jokes I feel comfortable with are about Photoshop and I didn't feel I should whip those out.

-fin for really real-
-fin-

Hey everybody, Ray Smuckles here. [tone down applause with hand]

Ahem...my boy Roast Beef is a crazy man with a long penis. [pause for laughs]

Seriously folks. If it wasn't for this guy I would have been the longest guy in the high school shower. He's all to coach, "can I uh get an extra towel please?" [more laughter, applause]

[to Beef] What did your parents FEED you to get that thing so long? SNAKES?! [more laughter, then get serious]

But those days are over. Beef, my boy, my oldest slice, today you are MARRIED. [snap wooden ruler in half at 'MARRIED']

That's right, ladies! Ray is once again the longest man on the market! [raise the roof 3x, exit to cheers]

To the mother of the groom: "thanks for having him"

To the father of the groom: "thanks for coming"

Homer: Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as, "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."

I've never met the bride nor do I have any funny anecdotes about the groom.

Take the time you have to find out some funny anecdotes about the groom. You can even make this part of the speech--recount what happened when you asked his brother, father, friends, whatever for advice. The story of the speech can BE the speech.

It can be hard, though. Last year a friend of ours got married, and every single amusing anecdote about him involved either drugs or sex toys, and so they were all deemed inadmissable by the bride.

I agree with Abbott. This sounds like a slightly fun-free event. I think I'd go sincere rather than funny, and keep it short.

i saw a brilliant speech a while back featuring various embarrassing pictures of the groom as a small boy/nervous adolescent/goth/wearing rival football team strip etc - really simple idea but everyone gets involved cause the pics were distributed randomly to every table.

that is a good idea.

You can start with something like this:

"I asked a lot of people for advice about giving a best man's speech, and got some pretty good suggestions. Many people suggested that I stay positive, that it'll seem nasty if I spend the whole speech exposing and making fun of all of groomX's embarrasing moments. Other people, smartly, told me that it's most important that I keep the speech short, that no one wants to sit at a wedding and listen to a twenty-minute speech.

Luckily, after following the first bit of advice, I think the second bit pretty much takes care of itself."

I know it's only a personal preference, but I really dislike it when people are asked to make speeches about somebody else and end up talking about themselves and how hard it was for them to write the speech. I find it to be a bit like when journalists write a column about how hard they found it to write their column this week.

I like the idea of the pictures, though. But if getting them involves dealing with his awful mother, then that presents its own difficulties.

i was at a wedding last week where the best man had organised a slideshow with pics of bride and groom growing up, then photos of them together over the years, and just spoke over it for about five minutes. that was nice.

but it really sounds like brevity and sincerity (yeucch) will carry the day if you're dealing with hardcore catholics (none of which group i've ever had the misfortune to encounter, and i'm irish)

accentmonkey OTM about making the speech about the speech, or really about anything other than the matter at hand. My m-in-law stood up at our wedding and talked about her, her sons and her late husband. I never actually got a mention once. I wanted to throttle her. The day's not about you, it's about them.

My bro-in-law did the "embarrassing photos from younger days" thing, which went down well. Last two weddings I was at, neither were about the comedy speeches, best men just said how pleased he was that his best friend (wedding one) and father (wedding two) had found someone that made him happy, and that was about it.

My m-in-law stood up at our wedding and talked about her, her sons and her late husband. I never actually got a mention once. I wanted to throttle her.

My first mother in law stood up at our wedding and made a speech, complete with index cards, that basically listed all of her son's achievements. My only mention was her admission that I had good taste in men. When she had finished, my brother stood up and said "well, if nobody else is going to say anything nice about my sister, then I will." Bless him.

that would lead to a fistfight at any wedding i've ever been to. and rightly so, can't have a good wedding without a fistfight.

and what's with all the mums giving speeches? is that a US thing?

Well, I'm in Scotland and Accentmonkey's in Ireland, so I'm guessing not. I think it's an ego thing.

That's an awesome brother, that is.

I understand and agree that making the speech about the speechmaker isn't cool, I just think that, especially if you're having trouble coming up with something, talking about the act of coming up with a speech as a FRAME for your kind and funny and sweet comments can work well.

hang on, accentmonkey, your ex-m-in-law isn't in some way related to, or friendly with, my m-in-law, is she? That speech sounds worryingly familiar (except she managed to shoe-horn in some achievements of the son not getting married too, for some inexplicable reason other than LOOK AT ME I AM EXCELLENT MOTHER). Except no-one stood up for me (she waited until everyone that was actually MEANT to do speeches had done theirs, and I was too close to tears to do it myself and my parents were too shocked and my husband didn't actually see it as a problem at the time until I pointed out to him all that was wrong with it ... OH GRRRR it was six years ago, why does this still rankle so badly, aarrrggghhhh)

why was this moved to ilm?

just don't do that tired "ex-girlfriends please return those apartment keys" thing and you'll be fine...

yeah. why is this in ILM?

cheers guys for all the "don't do what donny don't does". Actually good advice.

I dunno why this isn't on ILE, either. But as long as I'm here...my favourite marriage-related joke is teh one about the ancient couple who tell a divorce lawyer that they've wanted a divorce for at least the last 70 years, but "We wanted to wait until our children were dead."

I offered this advice to someone else on the boards, but they declined to use it:

I didn't think I knew enough about the groom to make a speech, so I take the bride out and pumped her for information.

i'm up in a few days. kind of excited.

up?

sup

pro tip - dont call anyone a whore

But what if a whore is getting married?

What have you got so far?

"you dont understand, 'the mother of the bride is a whore' is the name of my dog"

wtf is this doing on ilm? no wonder i wasn't getting any help

i have the following quotes

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

start over

i guess the zsa zsa one is ok

the following joke, which is tooooo loooong

There are four engineers traveling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down."Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer. "Well," says the chemical engineer, " it sounds to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should purge the fuel system." "I thought it might be a timing problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and ask, "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - I think we should all get out of the car and then get back in."

and i suppose fairly standard stories about school/college/hols

que i thought they were ok tbph, but have you anything you could suggest?

and this is my token effort to get them on my side at the start-

Now that I’m up here in front of everyone, I’m reminded of the quote – “The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”

i dunno do you want to be funny? something like this?

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

i dunno do you want to be funny?

ice cold

which is how yr woody quote is leaving my audience btw

gotcha.

i don't have any quotes, and i've only done this once but the best advice i got (and you may already realize this) is: keep it short, and it's not about you at all, it's about the bride and groom.

yeah, that's definitely what i'm trying to keep in mind

"I believe in tying the knot, so long as it's around the wife's neck." -- W.C. Fields

that one we'll skip, i think

it killed, man.

killed.

I like the four engineers one if you shorten it. Also agree with general sentiment earlier itt not to get too meta.

his new father in law is a revered national broadcaster btw, and his new brothers-in-law are award winning producer/director/writers no pressure though i'm just a hick down from the hills

Giss a clue then? I have to do this next year, i'm already terrified

this is your perfect opportunity to pitch them a folksy sitcom obv xpost

that is the only clue, tbh.

Jjjjj, don't get me wrong dude <3 & all but i feel that in this time of weighty responsibility i maybe ought not to look for guidance from the dude whose dn refers to a vodka sandwich. you feel me?

i don't have any quotes, and i've only done this once but the best advice i got (and you may already realize this) is: keep it short, and it's not about you at all, it's about the bride and groom.

― Mr. Que, Thursday, 18 August 2011 00:27 (five years ago) Permalink

Second time around last weekend. Didn't let nerves spoil my day this time and the quote from que is otm