Musical jokes

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(Not sure if this has been done before, if so then sorry...)

I was telling my wife my favourite musical joke last night (How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?) and it struck me it might be nic to know you ILM people's favourite musical jokes. Admittedly some of them might not translate into black and white too well (such as my second favourite musical joke - "How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?") but please humour me and let slip some laughs, please!

― Rob M, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oh, and the answers?

1) Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.

2) Wi' jam in.

Told you the second one didn't work well on paper.

― Rob M, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once...

― Robin, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Oasis

― electric sound of jim, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Jim that is the worst JOKE evah!

― Alex in SF, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What do you a call a drummer who's girlfriend dumped him?

Homeless.

― Gage-o, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the van?

It took him three hours to get the drummer out.

― Lee G, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

'so i broke into the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner, she said "i know you and you cannot sing" i said "that's nothing you should hear me play piano..."

― piscesboy, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

(You've gotta get the delivery of this one just right and hope your victim will play along and isn't an idiot.)

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Philip Glass

― Lee G, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

knock knock who's there? knock knock knock who's there? knock knock knock who who's there? knock knock knock who knock who's knock there? knock knock knock who knock who's who's knock there knock? Steve Reich

― Gage-o, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

this one might not work onscreen:

knock knock........who's there?...........

― dbini, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

(then you wait a while)

― dbini, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

the drummer........oh, shit........sorry.......

― dbini, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you get two lead guitarists to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one of them first.

― Prude, Thursday, 25 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

How can you tell when the stage is level? The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.

― Colin Meeder, Friday, 26 April 2002 00:00 (twenty-four years ago)

one year passes...

i went to a big band show last night and the conductor cracked the nerdiest joke: that 'freedom jazz dance' was originally titled 'french jazz dance'

― ron (ron), Wednesday, 30 April 2003 18:12 (twenty-three years ago)

two months pass...

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was safety-pinned to the chicken.

― Sam J. (samjeff), Tuesday, 29 July 2003 15:08 (twenty-two years ago)

whats the difference between an indie musician and a 12" pizza?

the pizza can feed a family of 4.

― joni, Tuesday, 29 July 2003 15:46 (twenty-two years ago)

how do you get a guitarist to turn down?

give him some sheet music.

― brains (cerybut), Tuesday, 29 July 2003 15:49 (twenty-two years ago)

nine months pass...

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They have machines that can do that now.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Monday, 10 May 2004 20:06 (twenty-two years ago)

A drummer gets fed up of people taking the piss out of him and decides its time for a new image, so he goes shopping.

"I want to buy a guitar" he tells the shop assistant.

"You're a drummer, aren't you sir?" says the assistant.

"Y-yes! B-Bu-Bu-But how did you know?" asks the amazed drummer.

"Because this is a Post Office."

― noodle vague (noodle vague), Monday, 10 May 2004 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The keyboardist can do that with his left hand.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Monday, 10 May 2004 21:39 (twenty-two years ago)

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One; he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

― My name is Kenny (My name is Kenny), Monday, 10 May 2004 21:56 (twenty-two years ago)

What are the only two things in the world that sound worse than a set of bagpipes?

Two sets of bagpipes.

*sigh*

― Joseph McCombs, Tuesday, 11 May 2004 14:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not gonna type the whole thing because you surely already know it. The payoff is "...Very bad when drums stop...now comes bass solo!" It's my favourite.

― Myonga Von Bontee (Myonga Von Bontee), Tuesday, 11 May 2004 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

four years pass...

Why did Wayne Carter need an inhaler?

BECOZ HE A LIL WEAZY

― Everything is Highlighted (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:00 (seventeen years ago)

What does Lil Wayne eat for brunch?

OMELETTE OMELETTE OMELETTE OMELETTE OME OME

― Everything is Highlighted (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:01 (seventeen years ago)

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3. One to hold the lightbulb and 2 to drink until the room spins.

― doing maths to celebrate Architecture (Masonic Boom), Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:02 (seventeen years ago)

I like the story of the small boy who approached Humphrey Lyttleton and told him
"when I grow up I want to be a drummer"
"Son, you can do one or the other, but not both"

― Dr X O'Skeleton, Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:08 (seventeen years ago)

How do you get the bassist off yr front porch?

Pay your pizza delivery bill.

― doing maths to celebrate Architecture (Masonic Boom), Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:10 (seventeen years ago)

How can you tell yr drummer is at the door?

The knocks keep speeding up.

― doing maths to celebrate Architecture (Masonic Boom), Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:10 (seventeen years ago)

What's the difference between a trombonist and a chicken crossing the road?
The chicken is on his way to a gig.

― Everything is Highlighted (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 24 September 2008 11:13 (seventeen years ago)

Er, the chicken *might* be on its way to a gig, that is. Sorry :)

― Myonga Vön Bontee, Wednesday, 24 September 2008 17:50 (seventeen years ago)

fifteen years pass...

In Parliments “Everything is on the One” they sing the chorus on the 2 the second time. After that it is on the one again.

― bbq, Sunday, 3 December 2023 09:42 (two years ago)

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