Swash Dogs and Diet Coke Heads: the 2008 rolling Guardian zing thread

Fantastic start to the year here:

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/01/in_music_ignorance_can_be_blis.html

swatch dogs, right?

1. Post endless lazy snarky zings at the same targets week in, week out
2. ????
3. PROFIT

-- Dom Passantino, Tuesday, January 1, 2008 11:37 AM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Link

dont reveal your business plan to ilm, dom!!!

I know nothing about Jay-Z because (sweeping generalisation alert!) hip-hop stopped being interesting in about 1991

it's cuter when you put it in parenthesis.

swatch dogs, right?

-- Alan, Tuesday, 1 January 2008 19:58 (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

It's an even better pun than "Alexis On Fire".

Plus we can do lots of "Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast?"/"Ich luge bullets" shit later in the thread.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/01/noughties_so_far_the_soundtrac.html

synoptic (?) state of the pop nation address from the big man.

it's the ilm wot won it.

Another year of Dom upset that The Guardian stopped taking his calls then?

The Guide's picks for 2008, as ever, made me sigh and gnash.

Jesus Christ, what's growing on top of Petridish's eyes?

lol at petridish still going to bat for Mike Skinner in 2008.

For me the defining sound of this decade so far has been the weird/acid folk revival of Devendra Banhart, Joanna Newsome, Iron & Wine, Espers, Vetiver etc.

I like not being in the mainstream - the mainstream is rarely where the most influential music truly occurs.

lol at petridish still going to bat for Mike Skinner in 2008

Something to show off at the dole office, eh?

I mean, fuck it, I'll take the bait, but my god surely even Petridis has got to be embarassed to be still peddling "Haha the white mainstream is so BLAND" sub-McGee bullshit in 2008.

Who are Coldplay's "ilk"? U2? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Snow Patrol? The Fray? That's four different bands there, four different strands of "blandness" that could theoretically be taken as a way to spin this article off into something beyond "lol pop music morelike poop music amirite?", but god forbid anyone puts any thought into this shit.

It's just a stunning inability to grasp cause and effect: the biggest bands in the world have mass appeal, because, y'know, that's kind of a pre-requisite. Surely this was the same with The Beatles, The Eagles, Dire Straits, or whoever the fuck else was the biggest name in music at the time in random decades?

It gets rounded off with the usual "those negros sure do make some good music to dance to" platitudes, some random half-assed popist rhetoric left dribbling from MacPherson's face like so much plaster on a builder's radio, and then the usual turgid middle class boosterdom for Turner and Doherty, where "Fluroscent Adolescent" is an intelligent, witty, and perceptive look at modern living, rather than a big hunk of shit that lyrically would get laughed off the fucking Lowlife label, let alone anywhere else.

Also, maybe Petri could remind us who got "Dry Your Eyes" to number one, because I'm pretty sure it's those horrid icky poor people that he so rightly warns us against in his closing sentence. Vote Petridis in your Iowa Caucus: he'll bring back sterilisation of the poor and Lo-Fidelity Allstars.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/01/tony_naylor_the_solution_is.html

"dance acts mixing together album tracks, who ever heard of such a thing!?!!"

ok this tony naylor is the one to beat in 2008. utterly baffling article. he actually wants dance albums to be *more like* 70s rock albums so far as i can tell.

#8 Google result for "Tony Naylor": him describing Peaches as being "as vital as ever".

lololololololololololololololololololol

I thought he was saying they should be *less* like 70s rock albums. I guess the whole thing is pretty spurious (eg 45:33 is hardly likely to be a blueprint for the rest of LCD Soundsystem's career; also dude is an [ex?] dance press type so you suspect him saying "all dance albums are crap" is playing to the galleries) but hey, that's Guardian blogs

he wants albums to be albums, to "cohere", to be statements. i have no troubs with an album being a bunch of tracks, intros and all. intros are often the best bits anyway.

Naylor used to do the NME's Manchester/Liverpool stuff around 2000, I think. Big fan of Starsailor and Haven I seem to recall.

Yeah that would be right... one of those wearying 'the north will rise again' types but I think he repped for some good stuff as well

Piece in the Guide today actually leaving me speechless.

FUCKING IDIOCY, BUMFEEDING PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL HORSESHIT, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

WHO ARE YOU CHARLES HAZLEWOOD TO INSULT OUR BRAINS LIKE THIS

OH FUCKING GREAT IT'S A BBC 4 PROGRAMME TOO

*seethes*

Charles Hazlewood on: The Arctic Monkeys "I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor"

"What's so clever is it starts with an absolute deluge of F sharp minor. Then finally when Alex Turner comes in it's actually on a C sharp major chord, which is what's known as the dominant chord in music theory. Then you're made to wait to get to that big deluge of tonic chord again until the chorus which is a brilliant way of building your expectation, holding you back like an elastic band and then letting you ping."

Charles "Lee" Hazlewood on: Dizzee Rascal "Paranoid"

"I was dropping my daughter off at nursery this morning and I was listening to this. What's interesting is it starts with the chorus ("Rinse me out, use me up, cast me down, fuck me up") and that there's this rolling bass line that underlines all the verses. That makes me think of Henry Purcell, one of our greatest composers from the 17th century who was part of a time when an awful lot of music was written over the top of what was called a ground bass. The idea was that one wrote music over one recurring bass line that's on a loop and here I am listening to Dizzee Rascal and thinking "blimey there's a ground bass.""

Charles Hazlewood on: Radiohead "Paranoid Android"

"There are parallels between them and composers like Pierre Boulez or Maurice Ravel - people who have an extraordinary ear for colour and harmony. Paranoid Android is a post-progressive rock symphony in three movements; it's got these three sections that have only a small amount of family connections. Add into the mill their extraordinary sonic imagination and the way they chose to grind in a very hard electric guitar sound just on one syllable of one word of one line of a lyric and then it's gone again."

Charles Hazlewood on: Garbage "I Think I'm Paranoid"

Jokes, bruv.

Charles Hazlewood on: Amy Winehouse "Back To Black"

"It's all built around one D minor chord with a lovely, really loose swung bass. The combination of the bass and the repeated chord - which might be on the beat or off the beat depending on which way you view it - is fantastic. There's something very powerful about songs that are built out of a very concentrated tonality. Back To Black never deviates from it and it forces you into a very narrow tunnel. When it does go to a different place there's an almost seismic sense of relief."

Charles Hazlewood on: John Lennon "Imagine"

"An absolute classic song with a classic song structure. What's lovely is you get those beautiful piano chords in the introduction and the voice grows organically out of that. It's not like Arctic Monkeys where the verse is saying something then the chorus catapults you somewhere else. Instead, it's the very idea that you can start a piece of music rolling then very organically the vocal line emerges from it. The chorus gradually amasses potency and once you get to the line "I hope one day you'll join us" there's an enormous sense of release. We've been in C major so that E major chord is quite an alien place to go. It comes as a real bolt out of the blue."

At this point, I would like to say FUCK

Charles HizzletotheWizzle on: The Prodigy "Poison"

"What Prodigy are doing is some fantastic old-as-the-hills form of music called counterpoint - which is one of the most mathematical constructs in all music. It centres on a type of music called a fugue. The basic way it works is you set out your melodic idea then, once that idea is being aired, another voice comes in with the same idea but a different pitch, then the voice that had the initial idea has to make accompanying material to decorate the original idea. It's done with the most amazing amount of sophistication but at the same time it's a rebel rousing, terrifying piece of poisonous (ARF) music. Someone like Mahler built up the same high velocity but then he'd give you a portion of time when you can regroup. The Prodigy are just pushing you further to the abyss."

And, finally, Charles "Brian fucking Eno" Hazlewood on: Queen "Bohemian Rhapsody"

"It always amuses me that when you watch the video it seems as if all four of Queen are singing all those harmony lines but in fact when you listen carefully you can tell it's Freddie Mercury looped on top of himself. If you look at in (sic) on paper you say to yourself that it doesn't make a consistent musical narrative but it does just hang together and it goes through a multitude of different keys. That's very weird for a pop song to do because invariably you're in a tonic key and that's where you stay. You go to some related place but basically you don't leave the continent. Whereas Bohemian Rhapsody goes to five different continents within the course of six minutes!"

WEDNESDAY 9TH OF JANUARY 2008, 10 PM ON BBC FOUR, THIS MAN WILL EXPLAIN YOU MUSIC

While I'd debate the usefulness of this excercise (other than making guilty middle-aged pop listeners feel better about themselves), this isn't "psuedo-intellectual horseshit", it's describing music using its basic vernacular.

It is kind of condescending though.

IT ISN'T DESCRIBING MUSIC AT ALL, IT'S TALKING BULLCRAP MATT, FUCKING BULLCRAP

What's so clever is it starts with an absolute deluge of F sharp minor. Then finally when Alex Turner comes in it's actually on a C sharp major chord, which is what's known as the dominant chord in music theory. Then you're made to wait to get to that big deluge of tonic chord again until the chorus which is a brilliant way of building your expectation, holding you back like an elastic band and then letting you ping

NO YOU FUCKHEAD THIS IS WHAT'S KNOWN AS 'BIG, OBVIOUS, COMMERCIAL SONGWRITING', WHO CARES WHAT EXACT CHORDS THEY USE, AS LONG AS THE DRUNKARDS ARE LEAPING AROUND WHEN THAT 'DELUGE OF TONIC CHORD' COMES BACK, THEN THE SONG HAS SUCCEEDED, OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S MUSICALLY NEAR-WORTHLESS, AND NOT EXACTLY UNIQUE REALLY GIVEN THAT IT'S BASED AROUND ABOUT AS TYPICAL AND FUCKING MUNDANE A BLUESY RIFF THAT YOU COULD EVER HEAR, I THINK WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THE GUITARS 'GET A BIT LOUDER' IN THE CHORUS BECAUSE THAT AND THAT ALONE IS WHAT GIVES THE CLUBBERS THEIR VISCERAL SATISFACTION

What's interesting is it starts with the chorus

HOT DAMN IS THIS INTERESTING, YOU CUNT, SO INTERESTING THAT YOU THEN HAVE TO PRINT THE CHORUS OUT, AND IT CONTAINS A SWEAR, BECAUSE WE'RE THE FUCKING GUARDIAN AND WE'RE FUCKING EDGY

there's this rolling bass line that underlines all the verses. That makes me think of Henry Purcell, one of our greatest composers from the 17th century who was part of a time when an awful lot of music was written over the top of what was called a ground bass. The idea was that one wrote music over one recurring bass line that's on a loop and here I am listening to Dizzee Rascal and thinking "blimey there's a ground bass.

YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD A REAL HIP-HOP SONG AND I CLAIM MY TEN BUCKS, THIS HERE STATEMENT, BROUGHT TO US BY THE INTREPID MUSICAL ANALYST COLIN FUCKING HAZLEWOOD, IS FUCKING TRUE OF 99% OF COMMERCIAL RAP TODAY. WHY MUST YOU BRING HENRY PURCELL INTO IT, IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMBED-DOWN SHITHEAD WHO WANTS TO LOOK CLEVER? EH? TAKE A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE ANSWERING ME, CUNT

OOH BLIMEY, THERE'S A GROUND BASS! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HEAR A GROUND BASS IN 2008!

There are parallels between them and composers like Pierre Boulez or Maurice Ravel - people who have an extraordinary ear for colour and harmony

LOOK I'VE DONE IT AGAIN, ALTHOUGH THIS TIME I MAY HAVE A POINT, BECAUSE WHAT I'VE SAID IS SO VAGUE IT MAY WELL BE KINDA TRUE

Paranoid Android is a post-progressive rock symphony in three movements

POSTPOSTPOSTPOSTPOSTPOSTPOSTPOSTPOSTFUCKOFF

ALSO I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHERE YOU GOT 'THREE MOVEMENTS' FROM, BECAUSE IT CERTAINLY WASN'T FROM LISTENING TO THE SONG

the way they chose to grind in a very hard electric guitar sound just on one syllable of one word of one line of a lyric and then it's gone again

"YOU DON'T REMEMBER, YOU DON'T REMEMBER, WHY DON'T YOU REMEMBER MY NAME" AMIRITE? YEAH, THERE IS AN ISOLATED CRUNCH ON THE FIRST "YOU". BUT IT NEVER RETURNS. EVER. NOT SIX FUCKING WORDS LATER, YOU MASSIVE BELL-END, OH CERTAINLY NOT

It's all built around one D minor chord with a lovely, really loose swung bass. The combination of the bass and the repeated chord - which might be on the beat or off the beat depending on which way you view it - is fantastic. There's something very powerful about songs that are built out of a very concentrated tonality. Back To Black never deviates from it and it forces you into a very narrow tunnel. When it does go to a different place there's an almost seismic sense of relief.

CONGRATS YOU HAVE MADE THIS SONG SOUND REALLY BORING (WHICH TO BE FAIR IT PROBABLY IS, DISCOUNTING THE EFFECT WINEHOUSE'S VOICE MIGHT HAVE, WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON ANYONE PAYS HER ANY MIND AT ALL), ALSO YOU HAVE CONSCIONABLY USED THE WORD 'SEISMIC' TO DESCRIBE A SONG HAVING THE IMAGINATION TO BREAK OUT OF ITS ONE-CHORD STRUCTURE, HENCE YOU ARE, INDUBITABLY, A WET, FLAPPING CUNT

An absolute classic song with a classic song structure

TWAT, YOU ARE PANDERING TO THE CANON, YOU ARE BEING A SOFT-HEADED LOON, YOU ARE TALKING BULLSHIT

What's lovely is you get those beautiful piano chords in the introduction and the voice grows organically out of that

READ: JOHN FUCKING LENNON PLAYS SOME SIMPLE CHORDS AND THEN STARTS SINGING, THE PRODUCTION IS NOT VERY GOOD

It's not like Arctic Monkeys where the verse is saying something then the chorus catapults you somewhere else

WHERE TO FUCKING START, BUT I'LL KEEP IT TO THIS: THE CHORUS OF 'IMAGINE' IS MORE DISTINCT FROM THE VERSE THAN IS THE CASE IN THAT ARCTIC MONKEYS SONG IN EVERY FUCKING WAY EXCEPTING FOR THE VOLUME, AND GUESS WHAT, IT'S STILL A SHITTY SONG, BUT THIS IS IRRELEVANT, BECAUSE YOUR CRASS ARCTIC MONKEYS COMPARISON SPEAKS FOR ITS FUCKING SELF

Instead, it's the very idea that you can start a piece of music rolling then very organically the vocal line emerges from it

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! FUUUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU WITH A BROOMHANDLE!!! FUCKINGFUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNT SON OF A CUNTFUCKING ARSECUNT

THE ABOVE IS A VOCAL LINE THAT ORGANICALLY EMERGED FROM THE PIECE OF MUSIC THAT IS MY HEADACHE HAVING READ YOUR SENTENCE

The chorus gradually amasses potency and once you get to the line "I hope one day you'll join us" there's an enormous sense of release

FROM YOUR DICK

ACTUALLY I THINK "YOU MAY SAY I'M A DREAMER" AND "AND THE WORLD WILL BE AS ONE" ARE MEANT TO BE THE MOST EUPHORIC LINES, YOUR SUGGESTION FALLS IN BETWEEN AND IS NOT PRESAGED NOR FOLLOWED BY ANY SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN THE MUSIC, BUT WHAT DO I KNOW, THE SONG MERELY BORES ME

We've been in C major so that E major chord is quite an alien place to go. It comes as a real bolt out of the blue.

ONLY A FUCKING TYPICAL FUCKING CHORD-PROGRESSION, THEN, MY GOD I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY TO ANALYSE SOME CARDIACS I REALLY DO, ALTHOUGH YOUR EARS WOULD PROBABLY FALL OFF AFTER ONE SONG; IF THIS IS A BOLT OUT OF THE BLUE THEN CARDIACS WILL BE LIKE A FUCKING DUMPER TRUCK FALLING OUT OF THE SKY ONTO YOUR INERT BONCE

What Prodigy are doing is some fantastic old-as-the-hills form of music called counterpoint - which is one of the most mathematical constructs in all music.

OH FUCK

SEEING AS THE SONG ITSELF IS A SIMPLE DRUM LOOP WITH AN EVEN SIMPLER LOOPED SYNTH RIFF AND AND EVEN SIMPLER LOOPED BASSLINE, YOU MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THE VOCALS, WHICH ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A SIMPLE CALL-AND-RESPONSE. OH WAIT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND SYNTH LINE WHICH CRUDELY APES THE VOCALS DURING THE CHORUS. FUCKING MATHEMATICAL STUFF MAN, GET YRSELF A CALCULATOR, WE'RE GOING TO NUMBER SCHOOL!

It centres on a type of music called a fugue. The basic way it works is you set out your melodic idea then, once that idea is being aired, another voice comes in with the same idea but a different pitch, then the voice that had the initial idea has to make accompanying material to decorate the original idea.

OH MY GOD

YOU'RE GETTING YOUR TERMS CONFUSED. THIS IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION I HAVE FOR THE ABSOLUTE AND UNASHAMED WRONGNESS OF THIS EXTRACT. THE SONG WORKS BY EMPLOYING A BUILD, MADE UP OF THE SAME SECTION NOT LAYERED OVER ITSELF, BUT REPEATED, WITH SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SYNTH LEVELS/DRUM NOISES/WHATEVER. THIS IS NOT A FUGUE. THIS IS NO WAY EVEN CLOSE TO BEING A FUGUE. STFU.

It's done with the most amazing amount of sophistication but at the same time it's a rebel rousing, terrifying piece of poisonous music

YOU'RE DOWN WITH THE KIDS AND YOU CAN MAKE AWFUL PUNS? TRULY A PRESENTER FOR THE NOUGHTIES. OH, AND BTW THE PRODIGY ARE BEING ALMOST ENTIRELY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK KTHXBI

AMAZING AMOUNT OF SOPHISTICATION MY ARSE, THIS IS BOG-STANDARD DANCEFLOOR 4/4 NO-FRILLS ELECTROPOP, DO YOU RECKON YOU COULD HEAR AUTECHRE AND LIVE, BECAUSE I DON'T, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN SURVIVE ORBITAL AND I CAN DANCE TO ORBITAL, YOU FUCKWASTE

Someone like Mahler

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN, YOU...CUNT

built up the same high velocity but then he'd give you a portion of time when you can regroup. The Prodigy are just pushing you further to the abyss.

THE SONG DOESN'T LOSE ITS BEAT BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF QUIETER INTERLUDES IN BETWEEN THE OH-SO-SCARY VOCALS, ALTHOUGH FRANKLY IF THAT'S ENOUGH TO PUSH YOU INTO THE 'ABYSS' THEN I HAVE EVERY SYMPATHY, OH AND THE SONG IS FOUR MINUTES LONG, COMPARE AND CONTRAST WITH MAHLER, THEN REALISE THAT IF FOUR MINUTES OF VERY MILD ELECTRO IS ALL IT TAKES TO THROW YOU INTO THE 'ABYSS', YOU SHOULDN'T BE LISTENING TO ANY SORT OF MUSIC WHATSOEVER.

It always amuses me that when you watch the video it seems as if all four of Queen are singing all those harmony lines but in fact when you listen carefully you can tell it's Freddie Mercury looped on top of himself

GEE THANKS FOR THIS NUGGET NOW I LIKE THE SONG TWICE AS MUCH AS BEFORE, PS YOU ARE EASILY AMUSED, I RECOMMEND ROYCHUBBY BROWN

If you look at in (sic) on paper you say to yourself that it doesn't make a consistent musical narrative

THIS IS HOW YOU LOOK AT EVERY SONG, YOU ARE ACTUALLY DEAF, AND I CLAIM MY TEN BUCKS

but it does just hang together and it goes through a multitude of different keys

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THOSE CLEVER QUEENS

That's very weird for a pop song to do because invariably you're in a tonic key and that's where you stay

INSTEAD OF FINDING COUNTER-EXAMPLES, OF WHICH THERE ARE BILLIONS, I AM GOING TO FART AT YOU. PFFFT

You go to some related place but basically you don't leave the continent. Whereas Bohemian Rhapsody goes to five different continents within the course of six minutes!

THE CONTINENT 'TINKLING PIANO POP', THE CONTINENT 'TYPICAL PIANO BALLAD', THE CONTINENT 'CHEESY HARD-ROCK SOLO', THE CONTINENT 'CHEESY HARD-ROCK CHORUS' AND THE CONTINENT 'CHEESY BALLAD SOLO'

YOU TRAVEL WELL, DON'T YOU

FUCK

not reading that

shame, it contains a lot of balanced and carefully-reasoned thought

charles hazelwood is good on "discovering music", shit on everything else.

Jagger in NYC

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN, YOU...CUNT

that needs to be a post-murder line in the next juvenile paris hilton slash horror film

not reading that

-- gff, Saturday, January 5, 2008 3:41 PM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

^^lol

Notice how I filled my rant with cuss words such as 'fuck' and cunt', until right near the end, where I refrained from swearing throughout the last Prodigy and all Queen critiques, before ending with a final 'fuck', thus creating a seismic sense of release for the reader, whose delayed expectations I finally fulfilled, like a bolt from the blue. Nobody saw that 'fuck' coming. It's a bit like that bit in Hamlet.

Great thread.

Actually... astonishing thread.

"What this wall contains, is a series of bricks, interspersed by mortar"

IT DOESN'T CONTAIN ANY BRICKS YOU CUNT! ALL IT IS IS A BIG FUCKING EXPANSE OF STONE. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. THAT IS IT!!!!

This thread is the reason why "tl;dr" was invented.

I dunno, I sort of agree with LJ, at least about that being an absolutely piss-poor excuse for... whatever it's supposed to be.

What's so clever is it starts with an absolute deluge of F sharp minor. Then finally when Alex Turner comes in it's actually on a C sharp major chord, which is what's known as the dominant chord in music theory.

Like, anyone who doesn't know music theory is gonna be totally confused by this shit ("C sharp major is the dominant chord in all of music? Well I'll be!"), and anyone who does will probably wonder why resolving the V to the i has suddenly become an especially "clever" move.

argh and just, the smugness! the way he says "big deluge of tonic chord" just reeks of 'hey look at me I'm talking about music theory but I'm doing it in a HIP EDGY WAY', especially since he just throws the term "tonic" out there randomly without even attempting to explain it or give a definition (at least we learn that, for purposes of this paragraph, "dominant" and "C sharp major" are interchangeable), so anyone who doesn't know basic music theory really has no hope of following what he's saying.

Lord they hum Andre Jones
Lord they hum Reynold Johnson
Lord I wanna fight back but I'm just so sick of bouncing
Lord I'm sick of jumping, Lord just please tell me something
My folks still dumping my music, bumping but I feel nothing
My heart is stelly pumping
My heart is stelly breaking
Sometimes I feel like I'm faking, man
I'm so sick of taking
Maybe hell ain't a place meant for us to burn
Maybe Earth is telling just a place for us to learn
Bout yo love, yo will and grace
Sometimes I wish I wasn't born in the first place
Maybe this first base, God knocked the ball up out the park
So we can come home this world right here is feeling so dark
Feeling so cold, Lord I'm feeling so old
I dunno if I can take this world right here no more
22 inch rims on the 'Lac
I guess that was yo footprint in the sand carrying us on yo back

louis taking some motherfucking names.

IT DOESN'T CONTAIN ANY BRICKS YOU CUNT! ALL IT IS IS A BIG FUCKING EXPANSE OF STONE. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. THAT IS IT!!!!

Just like to say at this point that I listened carefully to every single one of the songs he analysed in preparation for my riposte (except Amy Winehouse, which didn't require it). Besides, I'm attacking his rhetoric and his self-important hyperbole (in a print media supplement! on a BBC programme!) as much as his (crass, shoddy) musical analysis.

louis fightin the good fight

fighting them on the internets so we don't have to fight them in the streets

Louis do you like "Party Like A Rockstar"?

Not relevant, just curious.

Wearing My Rolex's success had substantially less to do with Wiley's abilities as a rapper than with the brilliance of the track it was based on, the fantastic Steve "Silk" Hurley mix of DSK's 1991 anthem What Would We Do?

Um, no?

I thought that started OK but by the time it got to talking about Derek B and MC Tunes I was like, fuck this noise

Have you heard the album Marcello?

Petridis really missing the chance there to clown Wiley on his recent stupid message board posts.

Fairly sure the basic premise of the review is correct (album isn't all that, Wiley isn't a very good MC, he has zero idea how to play the mainstream vs grimey thing, moments of brilliance as much by accident as design) because that's what every Wiley album has been like.

The problem is the review reads like he's read a few articles about grime and compared the album to that, rather than actually listening to any previous Wiley albums because all-out sonic assault has never been what they're about.

Also the stuff about novelty and downsized ambitions and stuff is bollocks because a) Wearing My Rolex isn't a novelty record and b) we are talking about an artist who had a chorus that went "who ate all the pies?" on his first album.

Also it has that awful "smirk about it behind its back" thing you get whenever Petridis reviews a black artist.

That's what really got me.

Easier to make a snide remark about MC Tunes or Derek B (general memo: pull out your copy of The North At Its Heights or Bullet From A Gun now or get them down the charity shop - they are, in Petridish parlance, "fantastic" records) than to do some basic research about where they are now and what they're doing.

He wouldn't say that about anyone out of the Inspiral Carpets or the Shop Assistants.

I like the idea of Wiley doing a "grime" album and a "pop" album in the same year though I agree that both are necessarily messy. I've liked everything I've heard off the new one so far and am looking forward to getting it next week.

Pop, Rock, and Foals It

― Carrie Bradshaw Layfield (The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics), Wednesday, 22 October 2008 23:09 (1 month ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^this made me laugh on reading it again

"...it was startlingly innovative, abrasive and inventive, and perfectly reflected the environment in which it was created. Wiley and Dizzee Rascal were its biggest stars, but the intervening years have not really turned out as expected for grime. A public that persisted in buying millions of albums by Snow Patrol and James Blunt proved curiously resistant to music so startlingly innovative and abrasive it occasionally resembled community support officers trying to break up a fight in a Dalston kebab shop."

not sure if he was going for the joke, ie saying the music was great because it was startlingly innovative etc, then saying it tanked because... it was startlingly innovative etc, or whether this is just bad writing/editing.

Or maybe the writer is a racist idiot.

He was a bit generous with his marking though, the record is fucking terrible.

He wasn't generous enough with his marking though, the record is fucking brilliant.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/dec/19/album-award-courteeners-st-jude

Great award, worthy winners

Love the sheepishness of that article.

"They met at school in Manchester and cite their influences as the Smiths, the Kinks and Oasis."

this one should go on the headstone for british indie rock in the 2000s

the second one from the right looks unnaturally old

I think the fact that The Courteeners are winning awards is why I've stopped caring about music in 2008.

It may seem strange to discuss Christian symbolism in the pages of NME, but a quick rummage through the Bible is crucial to understanding what The Courteeners are getting at with the title of their debut album.

jesus fucking christ

"If you don't think your homework is the best, why are you handing it in?"

makes you think

my dog ate my courteneers cd

Congratulations to the Courteneers and all their fans on a tremendous achievement.

A vindication of the power of the internet.

Pretty sure I voted for them.

Trivia

1. The cover's artwork was painted by The Courteeners singer Liam Fray, and features Audrey Hepburn
2. Not Nineteen Forever was used in an episode of 90210 and was also used as the link music on Sky Sports News inbetween advert breaks.
3. No You Didn't, No You Don't has been used as a backing track for Match of the Day aswell as the programs sunday show Match of the Day 2 on multiple occasions.
4. The album is dotted with references to the Smiths, of whom lead singer Morrissey is very fond of the Courteeners. References include the lyrics "Do you know who I am? I'm like a Morrissey with some strings". As the Smiths did before them, the Courteeners continously reference Manchester locations for instance the song "Fallowfield Hillbilly" (featuring lyrics about Picadilly Records and the town of Fallowfield), or the song "Yesterday, Today and Probably Tomorrow", which features references to Withington and their native Middleton. Some feared at time of the album release that few would get the references of the band outside of Manchester, but this has not proved any problem.
5. Another Smiths similarity is that the album was produced by Stephen Street, who produced a great bulk of Smiths and early Morrissey material.
6. Morrissey has mentioned his love for the Courteeners on numerous occasions. After seeing the Courteeners in Camden, Morrissey played their song "What Took You So Long" on American radio station KRCW, where he heaped praise on the band saying that "Every song was very strong and full of hooks and full of dynamics and I thought, 'this is great" and that "So many groups in England, they're hyped and they're huge and they're all over the press and they don't really actually have any songs, they don't really have anything to offer... but it's different with The Courteeners, they actually do have very good, strong songs." Morrissey added to his torrent of praise that "I think they will make it here [in the US] and I think you'll come across them."

7. Courteneers frontman Liam Fray is a big fan of Indian Premier League cricket team Chennai Super Kings, and only featured Audrey Hepburn on the cover of the album after Matthew Hayden denied the band image rights

8. Wonder where you've seen drummer Mark Cuppello before? He finished second on the third series under his real name, Jonny the Geordie Fireman.

couple of alright tunes on that courteeners album, even though their press shots makes me want to piss on their graves

I think the fact that The Courteeners are winning awards is why I've stopped caring about music in 2008.

― Sick Mouthy (Scik Mouthy), Friday, December 19, 2008 10:57 AM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^^ was gonna otm this but shit bands have always won awards.

as in:

http://www.experiencefestival.com/brit_awards_-_belle_and_sebastian_beat_steps_to_best_newcomer_award_1999

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/dec/18/mark-ronson-100-best-bands

An article (sic) that going on the comments reached the audience it deserved. Pretty sure 'Hurry Up Harry' by Sham 69 gets heavy rotation in the Graun offices round about this time

ctrl-f vines

Hahaha I voted Courteeners fuck you poll kids

voted Late Of The Pier in the Graun poll

wow that Cortinas article was the .... the ... nail in Guardian Music's coffin 2008. Horrendous.

I forgot to mention, that vast post from just got offed at the top of the thread, which I only read today, was a lot of fun.

Another ILXor writes for the Guardian.

Good work Mike :-)

Wickedness.

Thank you, dear hearts. I won't let this change me. Much.

thats the first hip hop album in ages that i've read about actually sounds like one i'd enjoy.

Needs new pun title for new year. Suggest "Hann's up, baby Hann's up"

easy

"Do Judes control the world y/n? Thanks."

Throw the Jude down the well?

"Including Guardian readers? "Perhaps they can put it next to their Massive Attack albums," suggests Paul."

haha.

'Dom 'n' Marcello's rolling job application thread 2009'

Where are you now Tony Naylor, a lonely nation turns its eyes to you

Streets ahead
Why TV On The Radio are New York's finest

i think for my own safety i'd better not read/attempt to comment on this

Judes control international media: the big men on ILX discuss the Guardian music pages in 2009

^^^come on, get this thread off to a cracking start

It's 1989 and I'm hangin' tough with my £11.99 skateboard from Argos and a bright yellow Sony Walkman in Stanmore, a leafy suburb of north London where the most ghetto it gets is an overdue library book. I flip over a cassette of the most important album since Marvin Gaye's What's Going On (though I don't think such portentous thoughts then: just that A-Ha suddenly don't sound too amazing). It's Public Enemy's Fear of a Black Planet, and the Malthusian apocalypse for whitey it paints over 47 minutes is quite unlike anything recorded before or since.

whole article based on idea FOABP came out in 1989 rmde

wondering how he manages to get Malthus and FoaBP wrong in one sentence