Make Tom Happy

Someone has to kick things off...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Have you got any books on suicide?" The librarian replies, "We did have some, but no one ever brings them back."

Thangewverymuch.

hmm, an old favorite.

"a man walks into a bar. OUCH!!!!!!!!"

(this might only be funny in the states, oh well)

Did you hear the one about the new pirate movie?

It's rated arrrrr.

To steal from Eddie Murphy:

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit, "Say, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said, "Nope."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

- My wife's just visited North Africa for dental treatment.

- Tunisia?

- Yeah, she is thanks.

- I've just visited my girlfriend in Cumbria.

- Cockermouth?

- Mind yr own business.

(I'm sorry, that was tasteless).

continuing in that vein:

- so i was talking to this woman from maine yesterday...

- bangor?

- bang her? i hardly even know her!

What's green and lets you do things?

Permit the frog.

How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double-entendre.

So he gave her one.

RESULTS!

Standards were low and it was very close.

3rd Place - Fred for "Ouch!". Because it's so dreadful.

2nd Place - Nick for the double entendre one. It's the funniest thing here but on the other hand I'd heard it.

1st Place - Maura's pirate gag. Atrocious, but the word arrrrr looks very funny on a screen. Well, it does to me anyway.

why has edward woodward got four d's in his name?

because without them he'd be ewar woowar.

it's funnier out loud. no... really... it is.

Q: What do you call a three legged donkey A: A wonky

Cue Applause and drumroll

What do ya call a dog with no legs? it don't matter......He won't come!!!!! barumpp !

What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye?

A winky wonky donkey!

Also, and oldie, but my personal favorite....

What's E.T. short for?

He's got tiny legs!

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "Let me get this straight. You say here that your wife is crazy?" Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy!"

hear about the magic tractor?

it drove down the road and turned into a field.

wacca wacca