Kid B

I am writing to complain about that pompous upstart David Bowie. Who the hell does he think he is to come out with such a pernicious piece of artwank as his new album? "Low," eh? Not only is it how I feel after spending £3.99 of my hard-earned cash on it - he should have called it "Conned" or "Done," I reckon - but that's how high it'll get in the charts! What a dodgy deal, eh? Get the gullible sucker fans to shell out their hard-earned cash - and for what? This sad and outrageous pretence of a new Bowie album, that's what. Full of squiggly electronic artwank which he must have knocked up with his mate Eno over tea while watching "Stars On Sunday." A full side, would you believe, of so-called "ambient" instrumentals. Well, if we faithful mug fans ever get our hands on this Judas sell-out conman, he'll be making "ambulance" instrumentals, I'm telling you!! With our hard-earned cash! We want proper Bowie records with proper singalong tunes and cool words about Mars and five years, that's what - not artwank! Think of all the great bands of today like Deaf School, Split Enz and Doctors of Madness, none of which you would have had if it hadn't been for "Ziggy Stardust." They are the real future of music! Who the hell's going to want to form a band after listening to crap about sitting in blue rooms and crashing cars! No one with any sense, that's who. Who's ever going to take this artwank crap seriously? We want real music, paid for with our hard-earned cash! BRING BACK BOWIE THE WAY HE SHOULD BE!!!! Yours, The Fat Black Duke (Getting Fat On Your Hard-Earned Cash, You Mugs!)