Scheme scheme, challop challop, Andy Gill's coming for that number one spot

Yeah, this is the same idiot who slagged off Cupid And Psyche '85 in the NME when it was out and concluded that black music was in the worst state it had ever been. You know, the second wave of rap, Def Jam, electro, the first stirrings of House and Techno, all that worthless garbage, so that taught me to give a shit what he thought about anything. He's probably about sixty now anyway. Piss off and write about your old Sun Ra albums in Saga Magazine, grandad.

LOL

Easy target, but I think well dealt with. The "Veal" line is a clear winner.

Couldn't even be arsed reading beyond the first couple of paras. Too boring.

Dom, post something in the comments section.

Why (xp)? There isn't a single original thought or interesting or inventive perspective on Coldplay in that article - just the standard U2/Radiohead/Floyd/bland stuff that wouldn't even get you a trainee job on the Woking and District Chronicle - and like all the dead pens of his generation he just can't let go of punk, the security blanket he dare not discard, can't face up to the fact that his YOUTH IS GONE and he is APPROACHING DEATH.

Alphabeat are coming, no need to worry :)

Complain about this comment

Posted by Hugh Wrang | 11.06.08, 11:51 GMT

and like all the dead pens of his generation he just can't let go of punk, the security blanket he dare not discard

Truer words never spoken.

Go listen to The Who or Zeppelin or the Pistols or Rory Gallagher if you want to hear good rock music.

For contemporary stuff check out the likes of the John Butler Trio, Joe Bonnamassa and co.

For people who think Coldplay really is the best music in the world, go try a nice juicy medium rear (sic) steak

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Posted by Derek

He wouldn't have even been that young when punk started?

He had to trade in his Patrick Moraz and Enid albums pretty quickly.

but in the words of Des O'Connor, he pretend...

Well, it's an obvious message but a helluva lot of people haven't gotten it yet. You may be special-ops music critic version 3.0 but not everybody shares your perspective and I'd rather Coldplay's invidious corporate hypocrisy be restated in the presses than a "new" and "daring" counter-opinion along the lines of "Coldplay...are they so bad?" rears its ugly head. The use of punk as godhead is unfortunate but what can you do?

...but what can you do?

Not give a fuck? I mean it's coldplay. ZZZzzzzzzz. Probably 1000 x more worthwhile getting annoyed over uncritical coverage of pete doherty, "poet drowning in a sea of smack" etc etc.

^ s' right

Hmm, maybe. But that "Veal" line was surprisingly grade-A trolling.

(xxxp)
It's not a "message"; it's an unthought-through assemblage of cliches with no proper attempt at actual analysis of Coldplay's music or understanding exactly how and why they might appeal to so many people.

I'm sorry that you prefer to read confirmation of what you already know.

I don't especially want to read it but I'd rather Coldplay fans, of which there are too many, read that article and had their beliefs challenged. Although I'm guessing it won't make a fig of difference for their enjoyment of the ear-pillow platitude-rock purveyed by Martin and chums.

I mean I'd rather not talk about Coldplay at all but this thread happened to be bumped into my path and I decided to read it and respond. It's not like I have a constant fetish for slagging them off.

I don't especially want to read it but I'd rather Coldplay fans, of which there are too many, read that article and had their beliefs challenged.

Uhhhhhhhhhh. Unlikely.

Louis OTM. And this article should have been published 5 years ago.

What would Melody Maker's Mr Agreeable say about the supermarket rock of new Coldplay album ? and the financial importance of the album to the private equity owners of EMI?

Also imagine Q magazine publishing an anti-Coldplay article.

Imagine reading Q

They have broken into that demographic where people say "I love Coldplay. OK, so I'm not trendy", like they did with Dire Straits.

The only thing that can remove them is if they make a half-arsed album, then pack it. Like DS did.

Dom's succeeded. He knows it's mundane to slag off Coldplay and even worse to like them, and so in starting this thread has created an inescapable vortex of pain. I have to commend him on both his sharpness and sadism.

http://dysfunctional.timothyscarlson.com/Graphics/Vinyl/Pictures/(12

I'm also pretty sure Gill wrote a near-identical article on Dire Straits back then, actually.

Uhhhhhhhhhh. Unlikely.

-- Tom D., Wednesday, June 11, 2008 6:45 AM (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

yeah agreed, i dunno about in the uk but theres this horrible middlebrow trade in otherwise intelligent ppl who normally dont really think about music reading shit like this and assuming that 'real music heads' dont like artists x,y,z and so everyone has to approach everyone from the line of thought that we all hate things but you know what song 'a' is kinda fun isnt it?
like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ursTBD0sZ0

I'd rather Coldplay's invidious corporate hypocrisy be restated in the presses than a "new" and "daring" counter-opinion along the lines of "Coldplay...are they so bad?" rears its ugly head.

the truly challenging opinion here!

I'd rather Coldplay's invidious corporate hypocrisy be restated in the presses than a "new" and "daring" counter-opinion along the lines of "Coldplay...are they so bad?" rears its ugly head.

an ugly head arises

They are a great band, Coldplay, and if they’d given it up after Parachutes when everyone still loved them, something would be missing, and our musical landscape would be that bit more barren.

But I suppose you can blame them for Snow Patrol.

Fuck me Petridish really has infected music criticism heavily.

I mean, I appreciate comedy is all about
...
...
...
...
timing, but sometimes it's best not to bother, y'know?

Fuck me Petridish lee and herring really has infected music criticism heavily.

"and i'll be writing an article about how coldplay were actually good, not bad like you thought..."

T'is a shame the Real IRA didn't make their last attack on London at the offices of the Modern Review, but what are you gonna do?

I'm tempted to put that review through Babelfish to see how it reads in English.

Plus I'm sure that every poster here could name 200 acts currently going who are infinitely worse than Coldplay.

http://www.gbh.tv/ART/flyers/UFFIE2.gif
http://www.outlar.com/images/artists/NewYoungPonyClub1.jpg
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r55/Audiofrog/elliotminot.jpg

The Babelfish findings are as follows:

People hate Coldplay. It not hard to see why; their hugeness and the things that go into being that huge property maggot them eminently loathable. The blubbery songs and nothingy lyrics that seem to of to the soulless oaf we all because to elbow in the ate face gigs. The actress wife and silly-named offspring, the solemn charidee pronouncements, the unrelenting earnestness. And, argh, the pernicious wider influence. Don't it make you wanna projectile-vomit? Most people WHO hate Coldplay, though, property heard them a destiny and listened to them little, don't garlic is appropriate their preposterous massiveness, and can't see through to their fastidious headstock brilliance and piglet, bulgy heart. It probably different if you were introduced to them by means of `The Blue Room EP', their first Parlophone release in 1999. (Full disclosure - it were one or the first CDs I was sent ash a scaredy kid suddenly writing for the venerable music press, and it resonates for me with all sorts or poignancy. So yeah, I'm biased. And yet.) Everyone loved it - it were a brilliant statement or intent, meticulous and gorgeous, atmospheric and dark ash you like. It were bewitching - gentle, but blooming with the swagger-free confidence that would eventually fling them into the child or enormity human beings aren't really bolt to cope with. But they do. This are the thing - fixed ash they are, they're still that link ate heart. They've developed but haven't discharge their essential self, that smudge or real darkness and softness. They're melancholy and uplifting often in one breath, fiercely sincere, but with a sense or self-awareness and silliness that gets missed. They're in near-perfect balance with themselves - the grandeur are kept in verify by the humility. (When Chris Martin burbles away onstage thanking the crowd, it genuine, but it also essentially warding off the evil spirits that make ungrateful link go all to shit.) The tension between shuffly, excruciating meekness and unabashed bomb bast are delicious. They property balls galore - they've spent nearly at years coming to term with their own bigness and stopping it consuming them. You may think you see bloat, but they work hard to stay lean - you might perceive blandness, but they're constantly inventive. They are fucking staggering live. And they are endlessly warm. They mean it, and you can trust them. You can. You can carry on indulging in your hate if you prefer - it can be fulfilling ash hell, pay attention admit. But if you suspect you might get more out or the alternative, there are ways to get there. Ignore the forty-five and tricks to the albums. Disregard the dickheads WHO lumbered on board ate the `Yellow' stopper. Forget that they've tossed about a billion squillion record and that the guy WHO were sick on your feet on the nightbus owns A Rush or Blood To The Head. Tricks to the giddy, pounding title track or the new album concerning and concerning until you go all shivery. And if you feel you because to roll your ate eyes the overt Beatling or `Violet Hill', consider what would bite if Oasis came out with something like that now. People would be leaping out or their baths and running down the street in shock, by god. (Yes, and that are a clue or `Venus in Furs' in the guitar. Tricks!) They are a great link, Coldplay, and if they'd given it up after parachutes when everyone still loved them, something would be missing, and our musical country cape would be that bit more ingots. But I suppose you can blame them for Snow stalemate role.

http://chickspeak.com/wp-content/uploads/Saralittlevoicealbumcover%5B1%5D_1.jpg
http://rcrdlbl.com/files/rblog_images/AaronLacratePost500.jpg
http://cache.idolator.com/assets/resources/2008/05/07_justice_lg.jpg

etc etc

And if you feel you want to roll your eyes at the overt Beatling of ‘Violet Hill’, consider what would happen if Oasis came out with something like that now. People would be leaping out of their baths and running down the street in shock, by God.

When I heard it on "The Hits" I thought it was Oasis' new single.

"Dark Ash you like" sums them up pretty well actually.

headstock carabinieri

They property balls galore - they've spent nearly at years coming to term with their own bigness and stopping it consuming them

omg

consider what would bite if Oasis came out with something like that now

A+ work Dingbod!

I haven't even mentioned the piglet, bulgy heart yet.

our musical country cape would be that bit more ingots

ok someone poll these

"They property balls galore"

... EMI should use lift this quote and put it on a little sticker on the front of the CD

LOL xpost

Here's the Radiohead remix:

The persons hate Coldplay. This no in order to it sees hardly because hugeness their and things that go to the existence that enormous larva of property these eminently loathable. The songs blubbery and the nothingy lyric poems that appear in inanimate oaf we all because in the elbow it ate gigs person. The spouse of actors and the foolish-name descendant, the serious statements charidee, inflexible earnestness. And, argh, the disastrous wider influence. Don'? does the t this make you want projectile-it makes vomiting? Did halfest Coldplay of cWho persons, however, their property hear a destiny and did hear the few, don'? is garlic t suitable absurd massiveness their, and can'? the t sees straight in the meticulously splendour of constant parts of lathe and their piglet, inflatable heart. This probably different if you were imported in their with help `blue room EP'? , their first release Parlophone in 1999. (Complete notification - he was one or my first CD stali in the ash a scaredy child that it writes suddenly for the sebasmio Type of music, and echoes for with all the types or poignancy. So much yes, I'? m biased. And however.) Each one loved him - it was a brilliant statement or fixed, leptologi and panemorfi, atmospheric and dark ash that you like. - Exeygeniste, but blooming with the swagger-free confidence that would fly to them finally in the human beings aren'? children or oversized bolt t really in order to it faces. But. Is this the thing - constant ash that it is, they'? epan still that the connection ate the heart. They'? was the VE developed but haven'? exemption their t essential alone, who smudges or real dark and softness. They'? epan melancholy and often in a breathing, hardly sincere, but with a sense or self-awareness and the foolery that it takes leimmeni. They'? Pe in the almost perfect balance with their - greatness is kept in checks from the humility. (When onstage Chris Martin burbles far that thanks the crowd, this genuine, but what wards off also substantially the bad spirits that makes the ungrateful connection goes all in shit.) The intensity between the shuffly, torturing meekness and steadfast fibre of rafias bombs is savory. These balls of property en abundance - they'? VE that it is spent almost in the years that come in their term with bigness and that stops their. Can think that you see bloat, but work hardly in order to they remain impossible - you perceive blandness, but they'? epan continuously inventive. The triklisma live. And be endless hot. They mean him, and you can to them entrust. Can. Can continue allowing half you if you prefer - it can the hell of ash, it gives the attention you recognize. But if you suspect you come out or the alternative solution, they exist ways to reach there. Ignore the forty five and subterfuges in album. Don't take into consideration cWho dickheads that is occupied en plo ate `Yellow'? lid. Forget that they'? the VE that is flown for the file billion squillion and that cWho types he was sick in your legs in the nightbus is gentleman of hastiness or blood in the head. Subterfuges in zalismeni, hammering way of title or news aschei relation of album and with regard to until otoy goes all tremoyliari. And if you you feel because does roll to you did eat the eyes obvious Beatling or the 'iodes Hill'? , you examine what would bite if the oasis came out with something resembling now. The persons would jump outside or their baths and would decrease the road in the shock, from the God. (Yes, and is this a clue or a `Venus in Furs'? in the guitar. Subterfuges!) It is a big connection, Coldplay, and if they'? the d that is given above after the parachutes when loved him still each one, something would be absent, and our musical cape of countries would be that piece more plinthomata. But I suppose that you can accuse them for the role of impasse of snow

"The spouse of actors and the foolish-name descendant"

... positively Shakespearean, dear boy

So I hear there's this band.

Impasse of Snow?

Preferred the original tbh. (xposts)

All fair game for this thread, though: Stunning moments in translated foreign-language web reviews

I agree that the first one was better, but I was trying to lose that "charidee."

yeah but you got "plinthomata" instead

I guess "piglet, inflatable heart" confirms the debt they owe to the Floyd...

That is brilliant

Burroughsian moment of insight, future seeping thru etc

...still at large in the Nevada desert...

And finally, the De Subjectivisten version:

The persons hate Coldplay. This no. it hardly sees because their enormousness solicits and that to the existence goes that enormous larva of possession excelling loathable these. Liederenblubbery and the nothingy lyric poems which in inanimate sponger we seem all because in the elbow dinghy person ate. The spouse of actors and dwaas-naamnakomeling, the serious verklaringencharidee, inflexible seriousness. And, argh, the disastrous broader influence. Don'? does t make this you need projectile-het vomitting makes? Heard most halfest did Coldplay of cWhopersonen, however, their possession hear a destiny and weinigen, don'? knoflookt its suitable absurdity massiveness their, and can'? t sees directly sharing in the meticulously splendour of constant of turn bank and their piglet, inflatable heart. Probably differing this as you in them with aid `blue space EP' was introduced? , their first version Parlophone in 1999. (Reported entirely - he was one if my first CD stali in ash scaredy child who it writes suddenly for the sebasmioType of music, and for with already types or tenderising echo. This way much yes, I'? influence m. And nochtans.) Each loved one him - a brilliant declaration was or confirmed, leptologi and panemorfi, atmospheric and dark ash of you keep. - Exeygeniste, but thriving with zwerver-vrije trust that to them definitively at the human beings aren' would fly? the children or the overmaatse bolt t really under eyes seeing. But. This thing is - constant ash that it, they' is? epan still that the connection ate the heart. They'? were developed VE but haven'? exemption their t essential only, which or real dark and softness stain. They'? epan melancholia and frequently in a hardly sincere breathing, but with a meaning or a zelfbewustzijn and nonsense which takes the leimmeni. They'? Pe in the almost perfect remainder with their - driven is kept in controls of humility. (When onstage Chris Martin lap far that mob thank, really this goes, but what repels also substantial the bad spirits that ungrateful connection makes all in shit.) The intensity between the shuffly, torturing docility and the fixed fibre rafiasbommen is tasty. These balls of possession English abundance - they'? VE that it in the years is almost spent which come on their period with bigness and which stop them. That you see bloat, but hardly think the work they can remain impossible - you take blandness, but they' where;? epan continuously ingenious. Live triklisma. And are endless hot. They mean him, and you can entrust to them. Be possible. Permitting half can remain you if you prefer - it is possible tends of ash, gives it the attention you recognises. But if you suspect you or the alternative solution from come, they manners exist there to reach. Ignore forty-five and the evasions in album. Don' t takes dickheads which occupy English PLO ate `Yellow' in overwegingscWho; is? lid. Forget that they'? VE which are flown for file billion squillion and which the cWhotypes he in your legs in nightbus sick were lord of hastiness or blood in the head is. The evasions in zalismeni, hammering manner title or of nieuwsaschei relation of album and concerning to otoy go already tremoyliari. And if you you because to you rolls the eyes clear Beatling ate or ' feels; iodes Hill'? , you examine what would bite if the oasis came now from with something that on seems. The persons outside or their bathe to jump and the way in the bump, of the god would reduce. (Yes, and this is an indication or Venus `in Furs'? in the jet ear. Evasions!) It is a large connection, Coldplay, and as they'? D which above after the fall baffles when still of kept him each one are given, something would be absent, and our musical cape of countries that piece more plinthomata to be. But I assume that you can accuse them for the role of impasse of snow

Reads a bit like Simon Barnes, this one.

These balls of possession English abundance

this doesn't really ring true now does it

This does:

"dickheads which occupy English PLO"

... I'm sure I've been on a few anti-war marches with them

Re. "Evasions" - I'd love to hear Coldplay do a cover of "Wikka Wrap."

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/reviews/album-coldplay-viva-la-vida-or-death-and-all-his-friends-parlophone-841196.html

Reviewed by: Andy Gill
3/5

LOL

The Independent (London)

November 26, 1992, Thursday

ROCK REORDS / Dark knight of the soul

BYLINE: By ANDY GILL

SECTION: ARTS PAGE; Page 23

LENGTH: 1008 words

[...]

- DENIM

Back in Denim

(Boy's Own Recordings 828349 2)

[...]

Nobody likes a smart-ass, especially one who's always wrong. Denim are the new band fronted by the chap who calls himself Lawrence - always suspect, that lack of surname - who spent the Eighties trying to popularise his dreadful indie group Felt.

Having got things completely wrong for such a long time, Lawrence evidently feels no need to change matters now he is trafficking heavy-handed Seventies parody-tributes, complete with Glitter Band rhythm section, chunky guitar chording, farty synthesiser noises, and songs which are little more than lists of that decade's sorriest cultural references. In the Seventies, Lawrence reminds us with apparent approbation in ''The Osmonds'', there was Peter Gordeno, Brutus shirts, tank-tops, Tony Christie and Blackfoot Sue. He has clearly found his level at last. Recommended only for those who remember the Thunderbirds with affection.

(Photograph omitted)

twat