Yesterday I heard the worst record I've ever heard.

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God knows I've heard a lot of clunkers over the years, but yesterday's experience was something else entirely - something that left me feeling so ill with loathing for the record and the artist that I feel I must warn you about it.

I spent the last two days at a photoshoot for work and the studio had a small selection of CDs you'd expect - Leftfield, Madonna, The Cure, Portishead - nothing objectionable. Anyway, yesterday the photographer brought in a CD to play which he *thought I'd like to hear*. Sadly his good intentions misfired horribly and what unfolded after he pressed play was a singularly awful experience.

The album starts with a peal of feedback so lame and half hearted, yet clearly in the eyes of the artist *really radical*. What follows is 45 minutes or so (it seemed like days) of 'songs' using the most obvious chord sequences and arrangements so lacking in imagination that you could pick every source - here comes the bit from 'What Goes On', here come the Exile horns - right away. The band obviously believe that they're following on from the greats (or what they would call the *greats*) and like, updating for the 21st century, maan. A spoof country number appears as track 4 or 5 which is, like *ironic*, except 'we all really dig Johnny Cash'. He's a useless old toad anyway.

This is not good, yet what was it that caused such a violent reaction. The vocals, that's what. Delivered in a lazy 'my mom's hidden all my drugs' whine that suggests a slobber-stained teenage TV junkie, the sound of this tosser takes this sorry outfit into a different league altogether. A league of one. A league made entirely of artists who I would feel impelled to hunt down and kill if I ever found myself in the same continent.

I can't go on with the description of this record, as I'm trying to forget. I'm sure you'll understand. The photographer played it twice and would have no doubt played it again if I hadn't colluded with the hand model, who hated it too - so we took it out of the CD player when he was out of the room and hid it. I wanted to set fire to it. Or myself. Did I forget to mention the title? Well, by some wonderful co-incidence they have the worst band name ever and, this album surely has the worst album title too. It never rains but it pours! Ladies and Gentlemen I give you....

― Dr. C, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

... The Dandy Warhols 'Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia'.

― Dr. C, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Hey, it's not like I charged you anything for it

― dave q, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Dr C. I agree entirely.

If I ever go for a beer in my friend Domhnall's house I'm forced to listen to this. I wouldn't mind but he's had it for about a year and a half. You can imagine the pain, I think I'll learn your post off by heart for future use.

Bohemian Like You also was ridiculously overplayed, over here anyway, to the point of absolute tedium. It still gets played.

― Ronan, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Damn, it would've made sense if my post got there before yours.

You'll be ecstatic to know there's a pub band doing the London rounds who cover at least three tracks from this album live. Should I tell you where you can see them, or just have everyone invite you out for a 'surprise' drink at a pub where they're playing? (They do it REALLY GOOD too! Sounds just like the original)

― dave q, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

**You'll be ecstatic to know there's a pub band doing the London rounds who cover at least three tracks from this album live**

Is the rest of the Brazen Hussies set originals, dave, or do you do some other covers?

― Dr. C, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

**You'll be ecstatic to know there's a pub band doing the London rounds who cover at least three tracks from this album live**

Disregarding my sarky remark above, believe it or not I think I know where this lot rehearse. They were along the corridor from us a couple of Sundays ago. I'm never going there again.

― Dr. C, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Well, since reception to the Phish-style 'play cover version of entire album' thing we did with '13 Tales' has been so overwhelming, it's now a full-blown tribute act that is scheduled to play even bigger venues than the Warhols themselves!

― dave q, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Good story, doc.

I don't know whether the record is as abd as you say; what is offensive is hearing that one 45 of theirs played on every dodgy TV prog, after goals at football grounds, etc etc - the curse of ubiquity.

― the pinefox, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

abd = really really bad??

― the pinefox, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

i liked Bohemian Like You a lot, i don't the rest of the album though, but i must admit your description is both intriguing and enticing!

― gareth, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You surprise me Dr.C. I thought Nick Drake's works were the worst records in the world. Followed closely by Joni Mitchell.

I have got the third Dandy Warhol record and I like it though it is not a masterpiece and though it definitely is not highly original. I'd call it psychedelic and I usually love that kind of stuff. Better than overproduced Spiritualized who dig similar land for sure.

― alex in mainhattan, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

What's a hand model?

― Sister Disco, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

**You surprise me Dr.C. I thought Nick Drake's works were the worst records in the world. Followed closely by Joni Mitchell**

Oh Nick's alright - I must confess that I *own* some of his albums - I alternate between loathing them and liking them. You must have caught me on a bad day before. Joni on the other hand, there's no excuse for rancid old Joni - strumming away and smelling of the mudstock mud. Shite.

Peter - a hand model is someone with nice hands who appears in ads an' ting.

― Dr.C, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

mudstock mud = woodstock mud = mudstock wood

help I'm turning into sinkah!

― Dr. C, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Couldn't agree more Dr C. Just be grateful you didn't see them on TOTP. The vocalist's smug expression was even more annoying than the vile sounds coming out of his mouth. If I'd been in the Old Testament I would have rent my clothes in frustration at not being able to twat the jerk.

― RickyT, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You know - a hand model. What's there to understand?

― N., Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I hate hearing 'Bohemian Like You' on the radio 'cos the opening bars sound just like 'Brown Sugar' or 'Jumping Jack Flash', and I think oooh a good record...until that shitehawk singer comes in...

― Andrew L, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I thought I was in a weird minority for disliking Bohemian Like You. It sounds as if that's the best of them, too! I'd still rather listed to them than the Stereophonics, though.

― Martin Skidmore, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Wasn't the hand model taking a bit of a risk touching the CD? Sorry for being thick, Nick. I've developed a bit of an obsessive interest in other people's jobs.

― Sister Disco, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Worse things happen at sea

― Sonicred, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"Bohemian Like You" is one of the most infuriating songs I've ever heard. I'm with you on this one Dr C!

― Robin Carmody, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Joni Mitchell didn't appear at Woodstock. I'm reasonably sure she isn't smelly. I'm completely sure she's a genius. I'm a Prince fan, so what do I know.

― Sean, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Bohemian Like You = responsible for some of my favourite bouncing in the discotheque moments => Classic

― Graham, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

david bowie sez they're his new favorite band = they suck as proven by science

― geeta, Friday, 10 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I like that song. Sorta like the Cars, if a bit more brainless. The rest of the album, I feel safe in ignoring.

― Nate Patrin, Saturday, 11 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

five months pass...

i am so sad. this thread actually made me cry. how can someone be so wrong about one of my favourite albums ever? there is nothing i can say to defend myself or my taste or how much i love this album. all i can say is 'i like it for all the reasons that you hate it' and this makes you wrong.

i'm going to go and cry now.

― skate, Thursday, 31 October 2002 17:29 (twenty-three years ago)

nancy likes this band because everyone sez she looks like the fucking tambourine player (is that right? is this 1963? is there an electrified jug too?) it's the only possible decent reason i can think of.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 31 October 2002 17:39 (twenty-three years ago)

i think you'll find that zia actually plays keyboards, not just tambourine.

(i can't BELIEVE i actually defended zia in public. shoot me now.)

― kate, Thursday, 31 October 2002 17:44 (twenty-three years ago)

WTF is an electric jug anyway?

― RickyT (RickyT), Thursday, 31 October 2002 23:22 (twenty-three years ago)

(i dunno. it just seemed appropriate.)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 31 October 2002 23:31 (twenty-three years ago)

i'm going to go and cry now.

Me too.

― Daniel_Rf, Friday, 1 November 2002 00:05 (twenty-three years ago)

colluded with the hand model

the best line from a non-existent song ever?

Ms Boom, I leave it to you to assimilate it into a future classic, "scientist...twenty-two" stylee!

And re: 13 Tales - I like it. Yeah, Courtney's a bit of a ninny, but they satiate my need for a band with big pop tunes and a large amount of lovely droning. So sue me.

― Charlie (Charlie), Friday, 1 November 2002 00:08 (twenty-three years ago)

HA! This is very timely, as I'm back in the same studio the week after next for another photoshoot. Maybe I'll hear this crap again.

kate - I'm sorry you cried. I nearly did too, but for different reasons.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 1 November 2002 08:22 (twenty-three years ago)

And I'm booking a hand model again - so more colluding possible!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 1 November 2002 08:26 (twenty-three years ago)

WTF is an electric jug anyway?

That wub, wub, wub, whoop, whoop whooooooop noise that's all over the first two 13th Floor Elevators album.

I know my lyrics are shit, but honestly. Colluding with hand models? There's a limit even for me!

― kate, Friday, 1 November 2002 09:25 (twenty-three years ago)

funny, I heard 2 Many DJs drop "Bohemian Like You" tonight in the middle of a set--sounded GRATE! I always liked the Warhols' singles, though.

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 1 November 2002 09:51 (twenty-three years ago)

three months pass...

more discussion of da electric jug plz. (almost posted it as plural but luckily noticed da likely consequences...dat r prolly gonna happen anyway)

― naked as sin (naked as sin), Monday, 10 February 2003 03:11 (twenty-three years ago)

I dunno, this recod isn't too bad. Anything with stuff ripped off from 'Candy-O' is good enough for me.

― dave q, Monday, 10 February 2003 10:55 (twenty-three years ago)

the dandy warhols didn't put out the worst record ever ... because the worst record ever put out is { } by Sigur Ros.

― Jonsi = Axis of Evil (llamasfur), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:02 (twenty-three years ago)

(seriously -- a week ago i visited a friend that i hadn't seen for a while who kinda knows my tastes in music, and who was gushing about this "great band" that "he just knew i would love" and that "they were from Iceland" and "sound like nothing (he'd) ever heard before." i knew what was coming, though i hoped against hope he'd put on Múm. and on went ( ). it was all i could do to keep my mouth shut and not say anything really nasty.)

― Tad (llamasfur), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:09 (twenty-three years ago)

Never updated this - I had to endure The DWs AGAIN the last time I woz there.
Mr.Photographer also played lots of the wretched The The - the most boring, self-important toss evah! Jeez - America is bad! War is bad! America has lots of weapons! There are *conspiracies*! Bad men are IN POWER OVER US! We're all gonna die! Oh woe is me!

And we have another photoshoot in about 3 weeks. What next? Teenage Fanclub?

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:10 (twenty-three years ago)

haha Dr C if you do not take effective countermeasures immediately, they will bring a copy of "XTRMNTR" along, and they will all laugh at yr pained Xpression, so mean & cruel are they!! I suggest you take along a copy ov "Black Sabbath Vol4" & get there early.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 10 February 2003 12:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Or possibly "secondhand daylight"

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 10 February 2003 12:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Good plan, Norm!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Monday, 10 February 2003 12:26 (twenty-three years ago)

the dandy warhols didn't put out the worst record ever ... because the worst record ever put out is { } by Sigur Ros.
i thought the worst record was agaetis byrjun or however that crap is spelled. never listened to (). quite possible that it is even worse. i don't really want to know.

― alex in mainhattan (alex63), Monday, 10 February 2003 12:43 (twenty-three years ago)

but....'get off' is ace !

― piscesboy, Monday, 10 February 2003 17:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Ha, ha! It's funny what can really drive someone over the edge (and it's funny how hearing someone complain always seems to say a lot about the person, too). I think that album is well-performed, well-produced, well-written and fun, although a few songs drone on a bit in the beginning.

I like the part especially about "Leftfield, Madonna, The Cure, Portishead - nothing objectionable" (most of the output of most of those artists I find pretty objectionable, actually, and certainly not very great). But, I find it hard to believe any album other than a Jandek album, perhaps, should get such a hateful reaction.

― Scaredy Cat, Monday, 10 February 2003 18:48 (twenty-three years ago)

There's too many okeydoke instrumental parts to 13 Tales for someone to get that pissed off about it. Sure, the too-cute vocals may grate, but they aren't THAT oppresive.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 10 February 2003 22:35 (twenty-three years ago)

F*ck this sh*t. I have all Dandy Warhols albums, and I think they're great. Even though the last one is not as good as the other two. Try "...Come Down" and tell me if it is THAT bad.

― JP Almeida (JP Almeida), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 00:01 (twenty-three years ago)

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