I WANT TO BE A BUMPER WALKER - Eurovision 2009, Semi-Final #1, Tuesday 12th May

so there are 2 semi-finals now, starting on tuesday??.. wow.

the Netherlands' entry is dreadful, i wished we just do the usual thing and send an Afro-Muslim-Dutch girl, so we can always blame our loss on racism.

(maybe there were 2 semi-finals before? somehow i recall only thursday night qualification rounds)

There's been two semis for at least two or three years now, I think. Certainly last year in any case.

In summary:

Croatia - this year's designated stately Balkan iceberg. Kinda pretty, kinda so-so, but obv. going through.
Ireland - female-fronted power pop, their best entry in goodness knows how long; probably on the bubble for actual qualification. They're hardly Vanilla Ninja, but given Ireland's recent history at Eurovision, this will do.
Latvia - cast-iron no-hoper about a bloke in a traffic jam who sees a girl walking over the cars and is all like WO about that.
Serbia - in contrast to a lot of this year's entries, this is the worst Serbian candidate in quite some time; a man who, based on his hair, I'm going to guess is some form of comedian makes grumble about how the women want the money and the such. Would be happy for this to miss out, but probably won't...
Poland - female ballad thing, don't think I actually heard most of it. Sounded alright enough to qualify.
Norway - and this would be your winner. Feller's smile on its own is probably enough to push them through, but the tune is cracking too, and the fiddle break is gold.
Cyprus - one of quite a few entries this year that starts off alright then proceeds to go absolutely nowhere. Singer's voice sounds very lightweight; don't see it making the final.
Slovakia - one of very few duets this year. Consists mainly of the two singers yelling at each other, which is obviously marvellous, but this is probably on the borderline with Ireland.
Denmark - the duller Denmark get, the bettter they do, and as Popjustice pointed out, this dude is basically Ronan Keating in all but name. And face. A likely qualifier.
Slovenia - They've gambled on Europe not minding that the vocals don't start until well over a minute into the song in favour of what sounds like some rather generic violining. One of those that could either go well on the night or just wind up leaving the continent scratching its collective head. Wouldn't back it.
Hungary - sounds like it's gonna be a bit special and then he starts singing, at which point it kind of shifts into adorable crapness. Probable failure, but will be nice while it lasts.
Azerbaijan - they've enlisted the help of Arash, who's popular in at least one European country but I can't remember which. Quite decent, exceedingly professional, dead cert to go through.
Greece - ugh. Second favourite, but it's seriously Greek-entry-by-numbers right down to having Sakis Rouvas do his whole "in association with Gillette" blandness up front. Would like to see it fail, but it won't. They never do.
Lithuania - rambling young piano man, feels like he has several layers to peel away, but suspect that's just cos he never opens his eyes. Ever. Borderline, erring towards no.
Moldova - mighty roaring GAZE UPON OUR COUNTRY AND TREMBLE YE MORTALS number, very hoiking and rambunctious, and probably going through on energy alone.
Ukraine - song that's almost brilliantly bombastic but oh god her voice ugh. Still, there's few countries that go for Eurovision with quite the zeal of the Kiev massive, and it's a certain qualifier.
Estonia - so many violins this evening, and here's some more, and this one's another that doesn't really capitalise on its promising opening. Better than they've been in a while, though; borderline, again, but this time erring towards yes.
The Netherlands - have basically given up now. If the UK were to send Nick Knowles as its entry, this is how it would sound. Not happening.

Er, this is actually the line-up for the second semi-final on Thursday 14th May....

Ah. Piss. So it is. ESCtoday had it listed first for some reason...

Right, I'll get mods to nuke this and start one for ACTUAL first semi-final instead.

Aaaaanyway. Yes, fiddles are indeed Big Big Big at this year's ESC. As are podiums.

On my iPod, I'd probably pick Ireland's Vanilla Ninja/Kelly/Avril confection.

In terms of performance, Ukraine has the spectacle - bare chested hunks, a "hell machine", a drum solo on wheels, lots of "crushed by the wheels of industry" post-industrialism in the staging, fronted by an arrogant witch with a back-street collagen job, yammering on about Sexy Boms. So, what's not to like? But Moldova's plucky little Nelly and her troupe of prancing eejits win it for me on points...

Latvia's song about the bus stop is the one that only I seem to like.

Azerbaijan's is the one that I know I'm supposed to like, but I'm just not feeling it.

The staging of the Greek entry is beyond awful. Sakis is somewhat "on the turn" age-wise, and his galumphing is starting to look a tad ungainly. Lots of thrusting "peek-a-boo" man-cleavage/midriff action, and lots of jumping off podiums on the command "FLY!", which has led to some entertaining pratfalls in rehearsal. There's a section where the podium converts into a conveyor belt, before morphing into a giant sunbed in the final moments.

The Netherlands appear to have Amy Lame dressed as an ice-cream lady, although on closer inspection her ice-cream tray turns out to be a record deck.

Lithuania sounds like it's about to go into "We Are The Champions" on the first verse. This is a bit of a grower, actually.

Poland's rehearsal vocals have been atrocious.

Norway's winsome bloc-straddler (he's Byelorussian by birth, y'see) is so obviously going to walk this semi-final, and probably the whole contest.

As Ed O has been pointing out to me, though, Norway are getting similar kind of hype to what Kate Ryan was getting, and we all remember what happened there - but they'll really gonna have to go some to screw up qualification, certainly in this field. (Belgium also weren't coming off the back of a fifth-place finish the previous year...)

Thing is, though: Kate "Shut That Door" Ryan turned out to be a dull, charisma-free stage performer, while Young Master Rybak has that winning winsomeness off to a tee.

Also the light-tubes thing they did was pretty bilge.

the Dutch one really is shocking

Wait until you see the illuminated suits...

i saw the video on youtube a few weeks back, terrifying

I'd really be surprised to see Holland entering at all next year. They've been limping along horribly in the competition for years now, and this will likely be the fifth time in a row that they've not made the final. How big is Eurovision over there?

If France had to qualify I don't think they'd get thru either. This year they've gone for some bizarre sombre jazz affair.

The UK wouldn't either, to be fair.

xpost: Well, THE big ESC preview event was held in Amsterdam this year: they had 21 of this year's acts performing (although weirdly, NOT De Wallopers), plus an open-topped bus parade through The Hague, if you please. Naturally, I was in attendance: the 2000+ crowd was a good 98% gay male, so perhaps ESC enjoys a more "selective" audience in the Netherlands. They had a text vote and Ukraine won - followed by Spain and Malta.

Patricia Kaas's French entry is class in a glass - it's Barry, it's Brel, it's yer proper old-school chanson, and she delivers it superbly. This is where the re-introduction of the juries (finals only, semis are still all televote) could make things very interesting...

(xp - albeit that this year I think we may nudge the top 10 in a Brian Kennedy-tastic sort of way)

"Our" Jade won the ESC poll on MTV Russia, I'll have you know! I keep revising my predictions upwards; she and Patricia Kaas certainly have the strongest on-stage singing voices.

if 'My Time' actually finishes top 5 i'll be even more baffled than usual and put it all down to that ALW/Putin summit.

I'd really be surprised to see Holland entering at all next year. They've been limping along horribly in the competition for years now, and this will likely be the fifth time in a row that they've not made the final. How big is Eurovision over there?

you could be right. i know the biggest "national" broadcast organisation is not really interested anymore, so now a smaller partner is doing the broadcasts (and i assume also the artists) (this is NOT good for the quality by the way, cause we're talking about schlager-lovers here)

the weirdest thing is, these Toppers guys are HUGE here. so, i imagine if they finished last in their semi-final with 2 points it might be over.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Ukraine's song is the best pop hit since Britney's Toxic. My absolute favorite.
I also like Serbia. My first impression was "lame novelty act", but the song is downright catchy and the accordeon player does some nifty stuff.

I don't get Norway. Lame song, not even sung that well, that seems aimed at the over 70 crowd.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

ALRIGHT CREW

Bill Bailey on accordion there, and the biggest bali bailili triangular guitar I've ever seen

We currently have a trad Russian folk band doing a medley of Eurovision winners, starting off with... "Volare". Yes.

Still, "Ding Dinge Dong"! Can't be fronting on that, eh? They've skipped from that to Dana International, a gap of 23 years... and here's "Believe", being danced to by some bear-suited men, some of whom have fake snow cannons that they're spraying the audience with. Least up-for-it Eurovision audience in history is responding in suitably muted fashion.

OH MAH GOD THEY'RE BACK AGAIN

Jonathan Ross is apparently aware of his resemblance to the male presenter here

WAKE UP PADDY!

he's back in the room! yay!

Think they're leaving the French bits to Natasha this evening, which is advisable.

Paddy O'Connell's microphone is on, at least.

And here comes this year's token Balkan slowie.

aargh the guitar! :)

Ooh, strings. If this were a box of service station chocolates, it would cost at least £6.

Unsure blokey has the voice to carry this, though. Hmm.

didn't know all Croatian chicks were blonde.

Croatia is fluffy sub-Enrique Doubleglasias nonsense - no final placing for them

this was too timid.

xp - aside from the two brunette ones?

Um, dunno. Took way, way too long to hit stride, much too much meandering... you'd think any Croat entry has a better-than-good chance of going through, but I fear this one could well be on seriously wobbly ground.

Ireland's backing music is on too quietly!

xp - aside from the two brunette ones?

1 i thought. anyway real chicks now. or something.

Kate Perry rip-off obviously.

^^^ with a bit of Pink and a dash of Avril

Started off well but I'm bored with it now

Ireland entry is bloody awful.

vocals not good enough to qualify, me thinks.

sounds more like Europe to me.

Ireland's best punt (lol) in a while, actually - key-change almost seemed semi-necessary. Still very on the fence about its qualifying prospects, but... maybe. Maybe.

And now Latvia. Erk.

Latvia not taking contest seriously anymore! (they wanna be the new western Europe?) nice dress!

argh this magic button bollocks again

"no wonder they're bankrupt" - good start Gra, good start...

Predictions:

Ireland
Moldova
Ukraine
Azerbaijan
Greece
Albania
Cyprus
Norway
Estonia
Slovakia

But I'm really not at all confident about that. This could basically go anywhere. But probably not to Hungary.

Poor Latvia. ;_ ;

"Andrew Lloyd Webber thinks Turkey could be a contender."

"I think Andrew's a perv."

OK, after that interview, I'm actually thinking Norton's gonna do a good job of this.

recap - I've forgotten how half of these sound already

Ooh, I'd not seen the Greek box rising up before. That really is quite impressive. And quality balancing from Sakis too, credit him for that.

William Bloody, ya so easily excitable, yo!

Well, y'know, hydraulics, and illumination, and being a fucking travelator all at the same time - that's some engineering, y'ken?

Okeh, engineerically speakenin' - ya gotta point, sir.

France sounds like the theme from Tales of the Unexpected

Azeris through, no shocks there.

Hrvatski, uhuh

Croatia shouldn't be going through. Pah.

Ukraine no surprise at all.

And the Croats, which isn't much of a surprise either though I didn't actually pick them so erm.

And Ukraine, very much not a shock.

OK, Lithuania - did not see that one happening at all. Not traditionally a nation that gets the rub in Eurovision either. They've only made it out the semis once before...

And Albania! Again, not traditional favourites...

Both rubbish, too.

Haha oops will all Norwegian media have to revive conspiracy blabber again?

Moldova and urrrrgh Denmark urrrrgh and there's three slots left.

Estonia - their first time ever making it from the semis, having bombed hard in the previous six.

Or five.

t**t jumping up & down on sofa! :p

Norway! Thank fuck for that.

So then, a big name is gonna go...

somebody just unplugged the TV aerial here...

anatol doing same! :D

(not v big fan of song though)

Greece get the last slot.

Disappointing choices there, Europe.

this looks ropey on iPlayer...

Sounds too, probbly.

*not jumpin' on da sofa so fa'*
BTW

5 out of 5 = BIG NORDIC VOTING BLOC wahey.

Checking out the 4 autoquals now... Spain is right in the middle of correctness; Andy LW will be sorely sorely disappointed bcz Not Any Good at All; liking how Germany try to be leaders rather than followers with schaffely kompakt aesthetics popped & Call&Responseded up (but prob won't work bcz in 2009 it's all about Eastern countries doing Timbaland 2001 beat vacui, ie reappropriating the reappropriated); France I have read good things about -- ok after a couple minutes the insistent piano riff becomes insistent... but I don't hear enough of an actual song, sorry.

vacua, not vacui. Sry agane.

*coughs discreetly*
http://is.gd/zWy2

Haw. Still it reeks of arm's length.

Am now watching the re-run on Beeb Three... gosh, the opening number really did go down rather crappily, didn't it? Also liked how it was a montage of Eurovision winners that a) started with a song that finished third at Eurovision, and b) included no Irish entries whatsoever.

Final running order:

1. Lithuania
2. Israel
3. France
4. Sweden
5. Croatia
6. Portugal
7. Iceland
8. Greece
9. Armenia
10. Russia
11. Azerbaijan
12. Bosnia & Herzegovina
13. Moldova
14. Malta
15. Estonia
16. Denmark
17. Germany
18. Turkey
19. Albania
20. Norway
21. Ukraine
22. Romania
23. United Kingdom
24. Finland
25. Spain

First impression - that's turned out rather well for Sweden, hasn't it? Not quite so good for Iceland, or Armenia, or Albania. And Norway-Ukraine back to back - cripes...

God, this Croatian one really is balls. (I have other things I should be attending to but-cannot-pull-away)

Some buzz-killing sequencing at the start of the draw: that's four ballads out of the first five songs.

Portugal ain't exactly picking up the tempo, either, and neither do Iceland - oh God, this could be playing right into Greece's hands. Chiara, on the other hand, gets to follow Moldova, and so she gets thrown into even sharper relief...

xpost after "arm's length" post:
ESC is apparently so Not Done (like porn) it's in the language of someone reporting jocularly on someone else's earnest report on something. Always twice removed from the action. Like European lolreports on baseball culture, or US lolreports on soccer culture.

Difference here is W Euro are complaining abt E Europe etc doing well, even in spite of the very plain fact of E European countries having the clearly best songs for many years almost without exception, while "we" think that talking down to the viewers + slinging shit abt countries we haven't heard of will win the day.

In Iron Curtain days, competitive song festivals were Big Things in E Europe! The glut of winners east of Rome is because we let the Big Teams in!

Um sorry Mike, this went a bit further than your link warranted. But this bugs me. A turkey made of cloth, air stewardesses with sub-Viz jokes, and the W Euros dare complain about the outcomes? I am livid! Absolutely livid! :D :? :/ :D

(That Bilan dude was shit though, I'll give anyone that.)

it's in the language of someone reporting jocularly on someone else's earnest report on something

Blimey. All I can say is that it wasn't my intention, at all. As a long-standing ESC fan who has attended five finals in person, I was hoping that some of the genuine affection that I feel for the contest would seep through the jocularity. Well, perhaps it didn't. But "arm's length"? No, can't accept that.

5 out of 5 = BIG NORDIC VOTING BLOC wahey.

yeah Scandinavia doing awesome there! (can they finish it off with a win, has to be Norway i guess, maybe Iceland)

mike I am very sorry, for being a d1ck yes, but no less for being a mor0n. I actually didn't "get" your discreet cough, and saw your post as just a link to some random ESC article. Scanned a couple of paras, saw mentions of Balkan bombast, voting system etc and found it a good enough reason to launch a small rant on a pet peeve.

Ie I never actually read it properly, will do before final on Sat. From years of these threads, I know you are 4 realz dude! Many apologies.

Aww, glad we can be friends again. Big Hug!

bump