Retired Artists: Our Professionals + You = Instant Band

http://retiredartists.com/

weird

FAQ:

Since you were in these well-known bands, can I put (ex: members of) on my songs?

Fuck no. We are discreet as hell. You will know who you are working with, but if you promote their name in any promotional way with hopes that for some reason you will maybe get an automatic record deal, the songs will come back to us and your’e out of your money.

But, if you have really deep pockets the artist will temporarily join your band to help you out (they wont actually play shows with you, but you can come to a financial agreement with the artist at their discretion)

Wow, I didn't realize Guy, Joe, and Brendan were so hard up for cash.

lol

"'hipstamatic decolletage...with nixon in vegas'...what the, this doesn't sound like a pop-punk song!"

Okay more attention here. (Since I missed this thread yesterday.)

RetiredArtists is a collective of musicians who were previously involved with touring the world and being in bands in underground scenes.

We grew up, but never had the love of music leave us. Everyone involved with RetiredArtists was in a band that was signed and toured extensively, on labels ranging from Victory Records to Bridge 9 Records. You most likely heard of the bands we were in, but we aren’t going to be specific on the site.

What do we do? We make it easy for that guy who wants to sing in a metal, hardcore, punk or rock band (but doesn’t have the music-writing friend to help him) write songs. We also make it easy for someone struggling with writing their own music in a band get consistent by writing songs that they can learn, as theirs, and branch off from there.

How do we do it? You tell us what style you want your songs in based on specific bands, and we will write you songs.

The best part? Everything is discreet. Nobody will know. Why play your shitty songs when you can play consistent amazing ones written by us badass guys who toured in (and with) bands whose names would make you nut yourself.

because my crummy songs are way more better than your amazing ones?

― Mark G, Friday, 15 March 2013 16:12 (1 minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

(needed to be re-said)

http://retiredartists.com/pricing/

this is amazing

Heard about this from Kim Kelly, who just posted saying it is apparently a joke:

https://twitter.com/GrimKim/status/312597626119933952

But as she notes, disturbingly plausible.

Aw. I was hoping it was real, and that they'd branch out into proper hardcore Song Poem action.

1 Song – $175/each

brilliant

Yeahhhh, it's a joke, unless ya gonna do it..

so one of the artists is Nelly?

they put up this (cached) page then took it down http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:feYQdSk-KroJ:retiredartists.com/living-archive-april-fools-2013/+&cd=6&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=uk

pretty sure the idea of April Fools jokes is that you don't let people know you're planning to do them a fortnight beforehand

also what emil.y said, w/ the right ppl (ie almost certainly not these guys) this would rule

that is an incredibly stupid "prank"

What a disaster for RetiredArtists.com.

Step 2(03.15.13-03.23.13):

Collect money from clients. Record phone calls between ‘fake’ artist pretending to be musician from popular band and clients, to be released on April Fools Day.

Step 6(04.01.13)

Release ‘Happy Aprils Fools Day’ page as homepage featuring the recorded phone conversations. Return money to clients.

great plan, guys. nothing could go wrong there.

They said it was the perfect crime!

a new challenger appears: http://www.downwrite.com/

this has Get Up Kids and Alkaline Trio d00ds involved, I have more trust in them not to mess their 'joke' up, also write a superior song-poem