Post your worst review here

Some gems in this one:

Once again another release from (record label) that falls short on content but is quite capable musically. The band is the Chicago pop revival group, The F@ke F1ctions. The group tries to create tunes which connect with people, enabling them to dance and to have fun, but with very little result. Their fluffy premise leaves us with just that - a lot of fluff.

The group consists of three members: Nick on guitar and vocals, Sarah on bass and vocals, and Ben on drums. Nick and Sarah are actually recently engaged so you can expect some kind of elated vibe on the album. Unfortunately it sounds like they are more in a coma than they are in a state of euphoria. They describe themselves as real but not authentic, in which case I'm not sure what they are. Fakeness is an attitude to them apparently...but then why would you want to submit yourself to be fooled?

The group plays a kind of new-surf sound, something of a happy punk. When I think about it, surf music must have had something to do with punk music. On songs such as "Do The Dance" and "I Miss The Dark" the feeling comes across with great effect. If The F@ke F1ctions were a painting they would be flat and very glossy, more like a photograph of a painting.

The vocals of Nick and Sarah are never penetrating or intimate; they are always off in the distance and resonate very poorly in your head and in the studio space conveyed. Their whines and faltering groans sound more pathetic than they do perfected. With only a drummer added to the mix their sound is sparse and empty. It is not open and involving, it really sounds like something is missing on most of their songs.

Although their harmonies are clean and their melodies are crisp, they sound like they have nothing to lose, and not in an 'all or nothing' kind of way. The F@ke F1ctions do not utilize the inherent qualities which, as humans, allow us to connect on a more vital basis; where you feel you need the band to live. Sure, I might see them if I'm in the Chicago area, and they just so happen to be playing, and my date got cancelled, and there's no good movies on, and they finish before Conan O'Brien - but they lack the gravity which really pulls your head out of your shirt and gets you thinking "there might be something here".

I don't really get this one:

Keep on truckin' indie rockers. Nothing offensive, immediate or invigorating leaps out at you from this local band's new CD, W3 W3r3 S3t Up, but that may be part of the plan. C@n@st@ writes slow, obvious indie-pop melodies that refernce the pop of the Beach Boys, among many others, where taking your time seems to be the most important lesson of all.

(That's from Time Out Chicago. I think we've gotten harsher comments from bloggers, but that's probably the most tepid review we've gotten from an actual publication.)

The F@ke F1ctions do not utilize the inherent qualities which, as humans, allow us to connect on a more vital

SHOULD WE GET THIS PRINTED ON OUR BASS DRUM, Y/N?

oops missing word basis in there

T-shirt design too.

The F4ke 4ccents sound a lot like Pavement, but not as good. Their new self-released album, The B1g D1sconnect, is a half hour of basic progressions featuring unkempt guitar fuzz and flimsy singing. Indie rock fans may find simple pleasures in the effortless songwriting, but the fun is short lived.

Tracks such as the raucous "b-side", catchy "St. Agnes" and the liberated "disconnect" show promise but the six remaining tracks fiddle about and fail to materialize. The most obvious problem is the lack of hooks. And sonically, the vocal styles are not compelling and the sloppy execution is unendearing.

The B1g D1sconnect isn't bad, but you can easily find better music out there. Right now there is no shortage of bands releasing records that unabashedly mimic indie rock pioneers that broke during the early and mid-1990's such as Pavement, Sonic Youth, Dinosaur Jr., Modest Mouse and Grandaddy. Check DOA everyday and you will find good bands a-plenty.

(DOA's the site that did the review. "a half hour of basic progressions featuring unkempt guitar fuzz and flimsy singing" is totally otm actually, but modest mouse? granddaddy? wvs yo.)

Nick, we actually did this!

Remember than J4ne magazine article? A bandmember's wife had shirts made up with the key quote, which was "Aren't they a little young, and, um, white?"

It's too bad none of the reviews posted here -- with the exception of the Lollies piece -- appear to be done by people who actually get paid more than air or a handful of wampum to write.

Ah, release date tomorrow, and already it begins:

"Imagine Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, if Nick Cave were the weakest link in the band. There you have it."

Looking at things from the wrong vantage point, IMHO, but there's no use arguing with a negative review of one's own band.

Hurting 2--we feel you TOTALLY. Our album comes out tmo too, and we've seen some very, very nice words and then some ugly words, one review which attacked the fact that we're from Asia--as in, paraphrasing, "what can you expect from musicians who are from X." Seriously. Either that, or Google translate made a series of errors. So look at it that way. :)

Anyhoo, good luck! Hang in there--and you're totally right, there's very little point mentally arguing with a reviewer, even if the words are cutting and/or mean. Sometimes people just don't get it, other times, they get it and still don't like it. What are ya gonna do?

Luckily, I'm not "the weakest link"

No one's reviewed my rock band yet, a fact for which I am super super grateful (also we are not very likely to ever get reviewed).

Part of what's weird about getting reviewed is that I never quite get used to the idea of any band I'm in being a "real" band -- so it's scary to suddenly realize you're being put up against "real" bands and being judged against them by a person who doesn't particularly know who you are or give you any particular credit for just being better than most of the crappy bands you wind up on bills with.

xpost

Why won't you get reviewed? Do you play live? I'm actually terrified about live reviews even more so--it's one thing to be blazed remotely, but to be tarred/feathered by someone who was there, yikes.

Actually, Hurting 2, isn't that a good review, read another way? "Imagine if Nick Cave were the weakest link" could just mean that the rest of the band is SUPERRAD! Like, imagine you had a basketball team, where Jordan was the weakest link--wow, the rest of them must be superstars!

xpost

Part of what's weird about getting reviewed is that I never quite get used to the idea of any band I'm in being a "real" band -- so it's scary to suddenly realize you're being put up against "real" bands and being judged against them by a person who doesn't particularly know who you are or give you any particular credit for just being better than most of the crappy bands you wind up on bills with.

I see what you're saying, but that doesn't sound so bad to me. Being taken seriously is usually gratifying, I think.

Why won't you get reviewed? Do you play live?

We do play live, but not on a level that would attract reviewers (he says naively).

Juba, I really wanted to take it that way, but it was accompanied by something like 1.5 stars.

Ah, yes, well, hmmm.... at least it's not half a star! :) That's what we got from one angry, angry Scandinavian. It was truly vicious. And you probably got good reviews too, right? Siigh, there's just no accounting for taste these days.

P.s. It's cool that we can talk about these experiences on IMM without feeling like we have to disclose our bands and music.

xpost to HI DERE--you never know, :), you really never know!

so it's scary to suddenly realize you're being put up against "real" bands and being judged against them by a person who doesn't particularly know who you are or give you any particular credit for just being better than most of the crappy bands you wind up on bills with.

Not always true. When I was working at a newspaper, I started a column called Nightclubbing. It did show reviews and it was pretty well known who were the pros and who were the tyros on any given bill locally. And sometimes you got extra points for being an amateur and sometimes it worked the opposite.

Getting slagged in it -- heck, just being mentioned -- became a badge of honor after a couple years of it.

Here are a couple examples:

Nightclubbing in the Lehigh Valley

Music to slaughter birds to.

In better news, we just got reviewed in Italian and in German. Granted these were both blogs - but I love the instant gratification of blog searches!

"...the slightly fratty (but master of self-depricating stage banter) St3ve Go1db3rg & band."

http://www.amplifiermagazine.com/reviews/cds/tenderhooks_cd.php

Worst bit: "...a delightfully strange blend of The Flaming Lips and My Morning Jacket."

I can't find it right now, but we got a review once in a magazine that had a "Turn It Up!" and "Press Eject!" section. Of course, they put us firmly in the "Press Eject!" section, lol.

Most groups showcase their best work first, but the F@ke F1ctions have inexplicably taken a different tack. “Lasso The Moon,” the leadoff cut on Experimental Cheerleading, is atrocious, with off-key vocals and a boring beat. Fortunately, three of the four subsequent listed songs fare better, spotlighting a fun, infectious pop sound. There’s clearly talent evident, but the band needs to hone their musicianship (not to mention song sequencing) before they can truly be considered the real thing.

old school