Need advice on my press release

About to ship out an MP3 to some blogs and was wondering how my press release sounds. Please note some names have been changed in an attempt to remain anonymous.

---

Hailing from an unlikely source – Cleveland, Ohio – comes something dreamy, retro, danceable and pop.

Had Hall & Oates ever discovered Chillwave and gave it a hi-fi makeover, it’d probably sound like B** S****, aka multi-instrumentalist and music journalist J***** P**. An admirer of 1980s Sophisti-pop, Post-punk and R&B, P** combines these opposing influences to create a catchy, glossy sound that fits neatly between DFA Records’ Holy Ghost and Hail Social (now known as Memory Tapes).

Themes of science fiction, suburban isolation and love abound in lyrics backed by guitar reverb, warm electric pianos and disco beats. Recorded entirely in P**'s apartment, the music of B** S**** isn’t so much steeped in nostalgia, but rather harkens back to a time when interesting and compelling melodies still mattered – not the performer behind them.

“How Do You Do” is the first single off the upcoming EP F*** Y** due out Spring 2010.

For more information,
visit myspace.com/B** S**** or e-mail B** S*✧✧✧@gm✧✧✧.c✧✧

---

stop that

your press release is just as loltastic as the press releases I get, so you're probably good

What's so unlikely about Cleveland?

Hall & Oates

please all bands stop namedroppin H&O unless you got some big mantastic soul vocals goin on

For the record, I hate writing about myself.

it kinda shows

isn’t so much steeped in nostalgia, but rather harkens back to a time when interesting and compelling melodies still mattered – not the performer behind them.

this line is pretty lame.

it's hypnagogic

but rather harkens back to a time when interesting and compelling melodies still mattered – not the performer behind them.

don't say things like this. I don't listen to anything sent to me that's accompanied by a "this recalls some better time in the past when things were better," that whole frame of mind is poison to me

sorry if that sounds harsh but you asked! I note sarahel agrees w/me that that line jars anyway

to give more positive feedback this:

Themes of science fiction, suburban isolation and love abound in lyrics backed by guitar reverb, warm electric pianos and disco beats.

= "I am interested in hearing this music" for me

^^ that's the only good sentence out of the whole thing, imo.

there are only four sentences though so he's batting .250, not bad for a rookie! give a dude a break, writing one-sheets is tricky

leaving out label information (or where it will be available for purchase) is a major oversight

Hailing from an unlikely source – Cleveland, Ohio – comes something dreamy, retro, danceable and pop.

^^ imo this hook could be better. unless youre sending to cleveland blogs and papers, no one really cares where its from (at the very least save till later in the release). the "dreamy retro danceable pop" is nice but not specific enough to make me want to hear more.

ppl here will give u shit for "hall & oates discover chillwave" since thats like a hipster bingo but... it makes me want to hear yr music more than almost any other bit of the release

Thanks for the continuing criticism.

I've searched the board high and low for good examples of press releases, but, agreeably, it's funnier to laugh at bad ones. If you will, my second attempt:
---
Hailing from the rustic city of Cleveland, Ohio to give Chillwave a hi-fi makeover is B** S****, aka multi-instrumentalist J***** P**.

Within the music of B** S**** are themes of science fiction, suburban isolation and love abound in lyrics backed by guitar reverb, warm electric pianos and disco beats. Recorded entirely in P**’s apartment, "How Do You Do" and the forthcoming EP reflects an admiration for 1980s Sophisti-pop, Post-punk and R&B. P** combines these opposing influences to create a catchy, glossy sound that fits neatly between DFA Records’ Holy Ghost and Hail Social (now known as Memory Tapes).

disagree with max about naming where it's from - doing so early is good unless you're the 10,000th band to be claiming Brooklyn in your lead sentence. I am always interested to see where a band is from. I'd drop rustic. "Hailing from Cleveland" is fine, you don't gotta further define Cleveland - the reader has his own ideas & doesn't need to be told how to think of the place of origin, place names are powerful all by themselves. If you're going for clever, "Hailing from Cleveland, home of" insert clever thing that people don't know about being from Cleveland, is the way to go, but I usually get annoyed with clever press kits. NB I have been hired to write press releases multiple times and managers always hate my press releases & end up paying me but not using what I wrote so be advised there.

then i spend the money on Runts and when I'm eating them I say "fuck you, mr. manager dude, thanks for the Runts you asshole"

if youre really desperate to put cleveland in the opening line, dont make it the first clause

just... going from experience as both a publicist and music journalist, you have approximately four words to get the busiest guys interested, and "cleveland" is never one of those words

but you know what, theres no surefire way to get press, and one journalists most-hated press release is anothers favorite so

also, change the name of your band to Runts

science fiction, suburban isolation and love abound

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_MUVhT9Hz9EE/SaQ4cHTXFMI/AAAAAAAAAR0/U-qUkcEvPDI/s400/et_l.jpg

yeah OTM there in re: diff strokes I guess - for me, the place of origin, if it's in any way off the beaten path (right now in indie rock = it doesn't say "brooklyn" in neon four or five times in the opening graf), gets me thinking immediately, wondering "hey I don't even know what's going on in cleveland/houston/detroit/tuscaloosa" and then I'm interested. I like to see that immediately. I say this as a guy who does a fair bit of music-journo/blogging stuff tho less than I used to. surprised by max's take - doesn't everybody wanna be the guy to say "I found this amazing band from, wait for it, fuckin' Gilroy, the garlic capital!" or something? maybe it's just me

xpost yeah tape store 'cause nobody liked ET, closed after a disappointing first week IIRC

so confused, did that read like criticism? ET is one of my favorite movies and I would like to see it namechecked in a press release but i'm weird so

erase everything and say "sounds like ET on acid"

maybe im just having a visceral reaction to the phonetics of "cleveland," the ugliest name of all cities

found this amazing band from, wait for it, fuckin' Gilroy, the garlic capital!

this is where i grew up btw.

"sounds like hall & oates guest-posting on ET's MP3 blog, chillwave.tumblr.com"

Hailing from the rustic city of Cleveland, Ohio

definitely drop "rustic"- it's a major city ffs, rustic is what you say about goddamn cabin in vermont

oh you struck it thru so I thought you meant "don't say this it sounds like ET"

xpost never say "on acid" ever unless it's in the sentence "all vocals tracked while peaking on acid"
xxpost sarahel you lie like a rug

"sounds like hall & oates guest-posting on ET's MP3 blog, chillwave.tumblr.com"

lol kinda love this

all the little chicks with the crimson lips go chillwave rocks, chillwave rocks

ET doesn't have a fucking blog

yes he does, you can find it at chillwave.tumblr.com

et blog home

iii'lllll beee riiigghtt heeeerrreeee: chillwave.tumblr.com

yes j0hn i was entirely serious about the on acid bit

btw i sb'd this dude b/c i saw the myspace address, but it was before i saw that he at least blocked it out

sorry dude

i knew that esoj but our friend might not have not everybody knows "on acid" is terrible or we'd never see it ever

@mark cl: Huh?

xxpost sarahel you lie like a rug

No, it's the truth. That's where I grew up.

this thread is like an ILM thread. . . ON ACID!!!!

jamesPOP i thought you were spamming the board by posting a fake press release for some myspace band so i clicked "suggest ban" but then i realized that you had the courtesy to block out the remaining part of the myspace URL

Yeah, I accidentally posted it in another thread. My bad.

Can you edit and/or delete your own posts?

however if you really offend a lot of people you can get 50 more SBs and then use "suggest-banned in record time" as a press hook so in a way mark cl is offering bold new strategies

maybe he should get l0u1s j@gger to write his press release.

lj is back soon!

i am well aware.

lj on acid

a press release composed entirely of adjectives

a press release full of camembert

printed on a blotter

Covered in chocolate and fish.

w/ a goat's cheese tostada on the side

Third draft:

B** S**** is giving Chillwave a hi-fi makeover.

Within the music of B** S****, a.k.a. multi-instrumentalist J**** P**, are themes of science fiction, suburban isolation and love that abound in lyrics backed by guitar reverb, warm electric pianos and disco beats. Recorded entirely in P**’s Cleveland, Ohio apartment, “How Do You Do” and the forthcoming iTunes-only EP, Invitation, reflect an admiration for 1980s Sophisti-pop, Post-punk and R&B. P** combines these opposing influences to create a catchy, glossy sound that fits neatly between DFA Records’ Holy Ghost and Hail Social (now known as Memory Tapes).

“How Do You Do” is the first single off the forthcoming iTunes-only EP, Invitation, due out Spring 2010.

Within the music of B** S****, a.k.a. multi-instrumentalist J**** P**, are themes of science fiction, suburban isolation and love that abound in lyrics backed by guitar reverb, warm electric pianos and disco beats.

I don't have any objections to the content here, but stylistically I think this sentence is kind of a mess. Here's my go at a rewrite:

Tales of suburban isolation, science fiction, and love lie at the heart of B** S****'s songs, supported by disco beats, reverbed guitar, and electric piano.

Also this:

reflect an admiration for 1980s Sophisti-pop, Post-punk and R&B. P** combines these opposing influences to create a catchy, glossy sound

Are these influences really "opposing?" Maybe "disparate" would be better?

you know what is always good, is things that are written by committee.

this is why the bible is the no. 1 book in the world

B** S**** is E.T. eating Runts instead of Reese's Pieces because he landed in rustic Cleveland instead of Cal-i-forn-i-a. But Elliott deals, and those aren't Runts, they're tabs of acid, and Hall and Oates ensues. ITUNES!

^ I guarantee people will listen if you send them that

what the press release needs is some bible passages, because the bible is the no. 1 book in the world

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
(2) And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

Mr. Que knows what's up.

B** S**** is E.T. eating Runts instead of Reese's Pieces because he landed in rustic Cleveland instead of Cal-i-forn-i-a. But Elliott deals, and those aren't Runts, they're tabs of acid, and Hall and Oates ensues. ITUNES!

― 鬼の手 (Edward III), Wednesday, November 4, 2009 12:50 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
(2) And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

― TGAAPQ (Mr. Que), Wednesday, November 4, 2009 12:52 PM (21 seconds ago) Bookmark

would listen to both bands from these press releases

"our band will conquer yr ears"

shouldn't we save bible passages for like viking metal or something

or yiddish metal

mastadonisyahu

the bible is for everyone

though i like yr press release better

the apocrypha is for hipsters

xp

aw thx man

the apocrypha is like some ltd edition pressing shit

yeah hipsters couldn't deal with the end of the world, they'd start crying for their Bright Eyes records when the first Horseman decended from a fiery cloud

http://www.family-ancestry.co.uk/cgi-bin/globel/images/site/viking-runes.gif
^^^ press release for Viking metal band. Roughly translated it says "plz d/l our new album from iTunes"

I would like to see some hipsters get smote

And remember, Viking metalheads are bad mother-futhark-ers...

lazy ass indie hipsters wouldn't be able to deal with the rigors of Leviticus

Was Chillwave the Bloghouse of 2009?

I kinda need to know.

the rigors of leviticus = first album by mastodonisyahu

press release is printed on a torah scroll

these dudes would all have righteous beards.

fuck washing a yarmulke

wow you guys really ran with my joke huh

in a way, it's not really "my" joke anymore, it's "our" joke

ah fuck now i want some runts

those aren't Runts, they're tabs of acid, and Hall and Oates ensues.

Chaos Reigns!

anybody need any press releases written? will work for runts

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of Hall & Oates, one of the four beasts saying, E.T., on acid.

and the temple shall be constructed with Runts purified in the blood of the Lord
and it shall measure 4321 Runts high, 10,543 Runts wide

and the lamb lies down on chillwave

I think it might be too soon to declare myself Chillwave.

I'd only just got my head around Dreamwave and it's already micro-fragmented into Chillwave?

What about Microwave? (bah dum tish!)

yeah, I could see that. Microprog + Dreamwave ... let's have Memory Tapes do a remix of Late of the Pier and we got ourselves a genre.

Bump: I thought the few of those people from this thread with souls might be interested in the final product: http://www.myspace.com/gossipculture

keep doing that

I mean stop that